Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

STLBADGIRL

Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?

I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.

Chef_Barbell

I think that if someone has a problem, no matter what it is, in a relationship they should address it politely and constructively with their partner. That being said, physical looks fade with age and one's weight shouldn't factor too much but everyone's relationship is different.
Personally, my hubby straight up told me that he loves me at any weight and has seen me at my fittest and 9 months pregnant and his affection and such has never wavered.

STLBADGIRL

Chef_Barbell wrote: »

I think that if someone has a problem, no matter what it is, in a relationship they should address it politely and constructively with their partner. That being said, physical looks fade with age and one's weight shouldn't factor too much but everyone's relationship is different.
Personally, my hubby straight up told me that he loves me at any weight and has seen me at my fittest and 9 months pregnant and his affection and such has never wavered.

That's awesome. Do he have a brother with the same values? LOL. I agree, but sometimes I feel like weight is off limits when I read some of the threads. I agree it is a sensitive subject and should come from a place of love.

Chef_Barbell

STLBADGIRL wrote: »

Chef_Barbell wrote: »

I think that if someone has a problem, no matter what it is, in a relationship they should address it politely and constructively with their partner. That being said, physical looks fade with age and one's weight shouldn't factor too much but everyone's relationship is different.
Personally, my hubby straight up told me that he loves me at any weight and has seen me at my fittest and 9 months pregnant and his affection and such has never wavered.

That's awesome. Do he have a brother with the same values? LOL. I agree, but sometimes I feel like weight is off limits when I read some of the threads. I agree it is a sensitive subject and should come from a place of love.

LOL He has an annoying sister. But I digress, I personally am surprised by the sheer amount of people willing to put their relationship out there on the internet to the point of people bad mouthing the spouse rather than having a conversation with the person they married/chose to be with. I definitely agree that it is a sensitive subject and I would be devastated if my partner posted a thread like some of the ones I have seen around here about me.

zyxst

My husband can say whatever he likes about my weight. At this point, I don't really care anymore.

Theo166

Sadly, many spouses love their mate but lack the skill set to tactfully introduce touchy subjects.

It should come across as 'I'm concerned about our health' rather than 'look at that muffin top' or 'wow, you *kitten* really got fat!'

2011rocket3touring

No. As a latin boy I like a substantial bottom so extra weight on my spouse doesn't bother me. However as a motorcyclist it's hard to ride with a passenger that is (now) heavier than I am (it relates to the vehicle's center of gravity), when I brought this up she immediately turned it into a weight discussion which in 25+ years I've never mentioned.

VintageFeline

I think if it's a health issue (overweight or obese/underweight or potential eating disorders) then a partner or spouse is right to tactfully broach the subject.

Otherwise I think they need to keep their trap shut, particularly if they're not in perfect shape themselves.

Jruzer

Of course they should. But it should be conducted in a loving respectful way, with the good of one's beloved as the highest goal.

JeepHair77

Does he/she have a "say"? No. I think love and respect should continue regardless of weight/size/appearance, but it's not as simple as that, I know.

I like to think that most of us know our partner's preferences and we choose to make the effort to meet them, within reason, because we WANT our partner to find us attractive. But your partner has to meet you halfway and his/her expectations have to be reasonable. I figure most of us don't NEED to have our partner point out the flaws. We're very much aware of them, and we're either working to correct them or we're not, but that's on us. Having your partner sit you down to discuss your weight is potentially... very painful.

I think if he/she feels the need to communicate preferences/concerns regarding someone's weight and appearance, they should first think hard about what the realistic result of that communication is, and plan accordingly. Because yes, in a loving committed relationship, honesty is important. But on the other hand, in a loving committed relationship, kindness is also key. And sometimes, those are two competing interests.

2essie

I think they should. I have body dysmorphia so I do not see myself as fat. I don't see myself as slim either but just a little overweight, so someone to tell me would be great. My friends don't tell me either but they are quick to tell me if they think I have lost too much. It's a funny old world.

Gallowmere1984

I will go ahead and admit to being the worst case scenario a-hole. My ex became utterly miserable to be around as she gained weight back after dropping to the 120s. It was this ridiculous cycle of self-loathing which was responded to by stuffing the face. After a couple of years, it finally got to the point where, between her terrible attitude and the fact that she looked, to put it nicely, like a stack of tires showing no signs of change, I expressed my opinion with my feet.

Amusingly, she responded to this by getting her health back in order for an "I'll show you" moment, and last I heard, has actually kept it together this time. Sometimes the best thing for a person appears to be to yank the rug out from under them.

stealthq

You can love someone at any weight and still have preferences in regards to their appearance.

Unfortunately, it is difficult to have a discussion about weight preferences in the same spirit that you might suggest to your spouse that you prefer this outfit to that one.

I'm sure some relationships exist that can have that kind of discussion and not have it go sideways. Most can't. Weight tends to be too personal an issue.

3rdof7sisters

You can not control another persons feelings.
Hopefully, you are not, nor have chosen/choose, a person that is not that shallow, if you want a long term relationship.

Therealobi1

You should be able to discuss anything
A partner demanding for weight change sounds off to me.

editing to add, i can understand it if illness is involved, and if so that has to be handled with care

Vio_Fit_Bunny

You and your s.o/spouse/partner should be able to discuss anything! Of course I want my husband to tell me if I am too thin or too large, I'm a reflection of him, so if I look good, so does he!

But, honestly, your loved one and yourself should be able to have adult conversations about health overall. It's more than the physical appearance, its about caring for each other's overall health!

amykay9377

I think a spouse should have a say if it's affecting their health. So skinny they can see your ribs? So fat you can't get on the floor to play with the kids? These are the types of weights that should be talked about.
Do I want my spouse to give me *kitten* when I go up a size in my pants? No. I don't say anything to him.
When it's about appearance, no; when it's about health; yes.

rolenthegreat

I think there's a line. My guy has definitely put on some pounds since we've been together and I've pestered him to try not to binge eat and get some actual exercise because I am concerned about his health not because I find him 'unattractive' now.
But I think massive weight changes can frequently come with changes in general personality. And I think those are the changes that actually make people leave a spouse for being 'fat'.

STLBADGIRL

I understand it is a personal and touchy issue, but should you remain quiet knowing that your partner's health is at risk, or if in fact that you are truly not attracted to them anymore?

I'm on the fence with this, because I have struggled to lose weight my whole life...and I have been offended 80% of the time when my weight is brought up. But when I analyzed why I was behaving this way, it is because internally it is something that I struggle with. The truth is/was I do need to lose weight and just because it is hard for me to hear doesn't mean it isn't the truth. However, I would have welcomed the convo better if after the conversation it was led with, ways to help me achieve that goal.

On the other hand, I know what I am attracted to and it would be a struggle for me if my guy gained an enormous amount of weight OR was frail thin AND WAS NOT SICK.

So I don't know how I feel about this subject yet

VVVeeVee

in a decent, polite way, yes.
My ex would just blantly tell me I'm getting fat and force me to do excercise.

that's why he's the ex.

STLBADGIRL

rodwen89 wrote: »

in a decent, polite way, yes.
My ex would just blantly tell me I'm getting fat and force me to do excercise.

that's why he's the ex.

@rodwen89 High Five to you for leaving a situation like that. But, what is a decent polite way? I'm asking because no matter how nice and sensitive someone was to me (and my other friends in this situation) it came off as brash. It wasn't until I fully accepted it myself that i was able to hear the sincerity.

For some reason we hear it totally different as the way it was presented....