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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

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  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
    edited April 2017
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    jenilla1 wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    MeganAM89 wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    aggelikik wrote: »
    newmeadow wrote: »
    This is a neutral observation, but, as with similar topics related to physical attractiveness, it's overwhelmingly women who are continuing this debate. It's a subject nearer to our hearts I think. And our thighs.

    I"m picturing the men who still have the patience to read this thread to be rolling their eyes? Giggling? Wanting to say their awful truth but refraining from it? Wondering what their wives would have to say about all this if they could really let loose? And so on...

    See how this debate is going when women say how they feel weight gain is not attractive. Now imagine a guy deciding to be very honest and saying "truth be told, I love my wife, but I can feel no attraction to her fat rolls and mother's apron, and I am just pretending I have low sexual drive in general". Can you see where this would go?

    I think this is hard to absorb anyway you put it from either sex.

    To nicely put it - marriage is not for everyone.

    I think it's more: there are different kinds of a happy marriage.

    Oh I totally agree....but for the scenario used about the guy becoming very honest and saying he feels no attraction to her "fat rolls and mother's apron and pretending they have a low sex drive" comment. That guy doesn't deserve a wife IMO. And I say that because he will put away his VOWS and bail on the commitment to his wife and family because of some rolls. That guy needs to be in relationships that he can walk away easily from with no strings attached.

    I didn't see the guy bailing on his commitment. In fact, I see the opposite. The scenario has him pretending he has a low sex drive so he can avoid sexual intimacy with the wife he no longer finds attractive. Sounds to me like he's trying to spare her feelings. He hasn't left her or stopped loving her, he just doesn't feel sexually attracted anymore.

    I don't understand why people can't fathom the thought of having the best of both worlds... The wife isn't as attractive or appealing to the eyes....so why not have serious conversation followed by supporting her by figuring it out together, and becoming more healthier and doing more physical activities. Pick up a dancing class, train for a Tough Mudder, train for a half marathon, go hiking, etc.... Instead of suffering in silence. But sometimes it's either to complain, bytch, and leave then to stick it out or find out other solutions.

  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
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    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    jenilla1 wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    MeganAM89 wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    aggelikik wrote: »
    newmeadow wrote: »
    This is a neutral observation, but, as with similar topics related to physical attractiveness, it's overwhelmingly women who are continuing this debate. It's a subject nearer to our hearts I think. And our thighs.

    I"m picturing the men who still have the patience to read this thread to be rolling their eyes? Giggling? Wanting to say their awful truth but refraining from it? Wondering what their wives would have to say about all this if they could really let loose? And so on...

    See how this debate is going when women say how they feel weight gain is not attractive. Now imagine a guy deciding to be very honest and saying "truth be told, I love my wife, but I can feel no attraction to her fat rolls and mother's apron, and I am just pretending I have low sexual drive in general". Can you see where this would go?

    I think this is hard to absorb anyway you put it from either sex.

    To nicely put it - marriage is not for everyone.

    I think it's more: there are different kinds of a happy marriage.

    Oh I totally agree....but for the scenario used about the guy becoming very honest and saying he feels no attraction to her "fat rolls and mother's apron and pretending they have a low sex drive" comment. That guy doesn't deserve a wife IMO. And I say that because he will put away his VOWS and bail on the commitment to his wife and family because of some rolls. That guy needs to be in relationships that he can walk away easily from with no strings attached.

    I didn't see the guy bailing on his commitment. In fact, I see the opposite. The scenario has him pretending he has a low sex drive so he can avoid sexual intimacy with the wife he no longer finds attractive. Sounds to me like he's trying to spare her feelings. He hasn't left her or stopped loving her, he just doesn't feel sexually attracted anymore.

    I don't understand why people can't fathom the thought of having the best of both worlds... The wife isn't as attractive or appealing to the eyes....so why not have serious conversation followed by supporting her by figuring it out together, and becoming more healthier and doing more physical activities. Pick up a dancing class, train for a Tough Mudder, train for a half marathon, go hiking, etc.... Instead of suffering in silence. But sometimes it's either to complain, bytch, and leave then to stick it out or find out other solutions.

    What happens in the cases when the partner who has gotten fat and out of shape isn't interested in changing that? What does this man in your example do when his wife says she's not going to count calories and hit the gym? Or says she will, and months later either has lost no weight or has gained even more?

    What then?
  • Leenizi129
    Leenizi129 Posts: 133 Member
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    My two.cents I would hope the person I love keeps himself nice!
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    [/quote]

    I don't understand why people can't fathom the thought of having the best of both worlds... The wife isn't as attractive or appealing to the eyes....so why not have serious conversation followed by supporting her by figuring it out together, and becoming more healthier and doing more physical activities. Pick up a dancing class, train for a Tough Mudder, train for a half marathon, go hiking, etc.... Instead of suffering in silence. But sometimes it's either to complain, bytch, and leave then to stick it out or find out other solutions.

    [/quote]

    What happens in the cases when the partner who has gotten fat and out of shape isn't interested in changing that? What does this man in your example do when his wife says she's not going to count calories and hit the gym? Or says she will, and months later either has lost no weight or has gained even more?

    What then?[/quote] I have a cousin that went through this exact thing. Furthermore, she would over indulge in private or at work. Her husband would pay for PTs and she would come over my house while he would think she was there. She looooooooved candy and always had sweets around. She had no interest in losing weight. He was so supportive and patient, she even had health issues from the weight gain. When they first met she was probably 125 lbs and she got up to 249 lbs. But she met him after her mom was brutally raped and left for murder, her brother was killed a couple years after that, she lived from house to house and was separated from her young sister at this time. She had a very rough child hood and unfortunate situations after another...she suffers from major depression. Her main goal is to get through the day and pretend that everything is ok. I think the proper route to take if your partner/spouse is gaining weight is to address the underlying issue.



  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,261 Member
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    heiliskrimsli wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    jenilla1 wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    MeganAM89 wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    aggelikik wrote: »
    newmeadow wrote: »
    This is a neutral observation, but, as with similar topics related to physical attractiveness, it's overwhelmingly women who are continuing this debate. It's a subject nearer to our hearts I think. And our thighs.

    I"m picturing the men who still have the patience to read this thread to be rolling their eyes? Giggling? Wanting to say their awful truth but refraining from it? Wondering what their wives would have to say about all this if they could really let loose? And so on...

    See how this debate is going when women say how they feel weight gain is not attractive. Now imagine a guy deciding to be very honest and saying "truth be told, I love my wife, but I can feel no attraction to her fat rolls and mother's apron, and I am just pretending I have low sexual drive in general". Can you see where this would go?

    I think this is hard to absorb anyway you put it from either sex.

    To nicely put it - marriage is not for everyone.

    I think it's more: there are different kinds of a happy marriage.

    Oh I totally agree....but for the scenario used about the guy becoming very honest and saying he feels no attraction to her "fat rolls and mother's apron and pretending they have a low sex drive" comment. That guy doesn't deserve a wife IMO. And I say that because he will put away his VOWS and bail on the commitment to his wife and family because of some rolls. That guy needs to be in relationships that he can walk away easily from with no strings attached.

    I didn't see the guy bailing on his commitment. In fact, I see the opposite. The scenario has him pretending he has a low sex drive so he can avoid sexual intimacy with the wife he no longer finds attractive. Sounds to me like he's trying to spare her feelings. He hasn't left her or stopped loving her, he just doesn't feel sexually attracted anymore.

    I don't understand why people can't fathom the thought of having the best of both worlds... The wife isn't as attractive or appealing to the eyes....so why not have serious conversation followed by supporting her by figuring it out together, and becoming more healthier and doing more physical activities. Pick up a dancing class, train for a Tough Mudder, train for a half marathon, go hiking, etc.... Instead of suffering in silence. But sometimes it's either to complain, bytch, and leave then to stick it out or find out other solutions.

    What happens in the cases when the partner who has gotten fat and out of shape isn't interested in changing that? What does this man in your example do when his wife says she's not going to count calories and hit the gym? Or says she will, and months later either has lost no weight or has gained even more?

    What then?

    Throw her stuff out and change the locks
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
    edited April 2017
    Options
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    MeganAM89 wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    aggelikik wrote: »
    newmeadow wrote: »
    This is a neutral observation, but, as with similar topics related to physical attractiveness, it's overwhelmingly women who are continuing this debate. It's a subject nearer to our hearts I think. And our thighs.

    I"m picturing the men who still have the patience to read this thread to be rolling their eyes? Giggling? Wanting to say their awful truth but refraining from it? Wondering what their wives would have to say about all this if they could really let loose? And so on...

    See how this debate is going when women say how they feel weight gain is not attractive. Now imagine a guy deciding to be very honest and saying "truth be told, I love my wife, but I can feel no attraction to her fat rolls and mother's apron, and I am just pretending I have low sexual drive in general". Can you see where this would go?

    I think this is hard to absorb anyway you put it from either sex.

    To nicely put it - marriage is not for everyone.

    I think it's more: there are different kinds of a happy marriage.

    Oh I totally agree....but for the scenario used about the guy becoming very honest and saying he feels no attraction to her "fat rolls and mother's apron and pretending they have a low sex drive" comment. That guy doesn't deserve a wife IMO. And I say that because he will put away his VOWS and bail on the commitment to his wife and family because of some rolls. That guy needs to be in relationships that he can walk away easily from with no strings attached.

    I do not know. It depends on the circumstences. I know many couples where one partner is trying hard to look good when single, is trying hard in the first year or so of a relationship, and then just let himself or herself go. Weight creeping on and on, no longer brushing teeth, no motivation to workout, not bothering to have his/her daily shower and so on. It does not all come down to life happening, like kids, getting older or having a crazy job schedule. Many people just get into the "married" mentality in a bad way, stop putting in any effort at all, and end up making Al Bundy look like a model partner.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,646 Member
    Options
    Therealobi1 wrote: »
    heiliskrimsli wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    jenilla1 wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    MeganAM89 wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    aggelikik wrote: »
    newmeadow wrote: »
    This is a neutral observation, but, as with similar topics related to physical attractiveness, it's overwhelmingly women who are continuing this debate. It's a subject nearer to our hearts I think. And our thighs.

    I"m picturing the men who still have the patience to read this thread to be rolling their eyes? Giggling? Wanting to say their awful truth but refraining from it? Wondering what their wives would have to say about all this if they could really let loose? And so on...

    See how this debate is going when women say how they feel weight gain is not attractive. Now imagine a guy deciding to be very honest and saying "truth be told, I love my wife, but I can feel no attraction to her fat rolls and mother's apron, and I am just pretending I have low sexual drive in general". Can you see where this would go?

    I think this is hard to absorb anyway you put it from either sex.

    To nicely put it - marriage is not for everyone.

    I think it's more: there are different kinds of a happy marriage.

    Oh I totally agree....but for the scenario used about the guy becoming very honest and saying he feels no attraction to her "fat rolls and mother's apron and pretending they have a low sex drive" comment. That guy doesn't deserve a wife IMO. And I say that because he will put away his VOWS and bail on the commitment to his wife and family because of some rolls. That guy needs to be in relationships that he can walk away easily from with no strings attached.

    I didn't see the guy bailing on his commitment. In fact, I see the opposite. The scenario has him pretending he has a low sex drive so he can avoid sexual intimacy with the wife he no longer finds attractive. Sounds to me like he's trying to spare her feelings. He hasn't left her or stopped loving her, he just doesn't feel sexually attracted anymore.

    I don't understand why people can't fathom the thought of having the best of both worlds... The wife isn't as attractive or appealing to the eyes....so why not have serious conversation followed by supporting her by figuring it out together, and becoming more healthier and doing more physical activities. Pick up a dancing class, train for a Tough Mudder, train for a half marathon, go hiking, etc.... Instead of suffering in silence. But sometimes it's either to complain, bytch, and leave then to stick it out or find out other solutions.

    What happens in the cases when the partner who has gotten fat and out of shape isn't interested in changing that? What does this man in your example do when his wife says she's not going to count calories and hit the gym? Or says she will, and months later either has lost no weight or has gained even more?

    What then?

    Throw her stuff out and change the locks

    That was funny.
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
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    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    I have a cousin that went through this exact thing. Furthermore, she would over indulge in private or at work. Her husband would pay for PTs and she would come over my house while he would think she was there. She looooooooved candy and always had sweets around. She had no interest in losing weight. He was so supportive and patient, she even had health issues from the weight gain. When they first met she was probably 125 lbs and she got up to 249 lbs. But she met him after her mom was brutally raped and left for murder, her brother was killed a couple years after that, she lived from house to house and was separated from her young sister at this time. She had a very rough child hood and unfortunate situations after another...she suffers from major depression. Her main goal is to get through the day and pretend that everything is ok. I think the proper route to take if your partner/spouse is gaining weight is to address the underlying issue.

    That sounds a lot like you expect him to just keep his mouth shut about it and continue wasting money paying a trainer while his wife lies to him.
    Therealobi1 wrote: »
    In all seriousness not everyone is built to do this. Vows or no vows. One sign of trouble and they spilt, they just want good times only.
    You see high profile cases in the news where couples end up splitting up after some type of trauma. Something must happen in the household where one can't just cant take it no more.
    On the other hand along comes a guy who can deal with a woman who has been through the wars and gets her through it. Now that's impressive

    You can't fix someone else's problems for them, though, when they are not interested in fixing it themselves. I wouldn't stay with someone who had a drinking problem or a gambling problem who lied to me every day about going to therapy for it and were at the bar or the casino same way I wouldn't stay with someone who swore they were off to the gym, and but went to go eat instead.
    aggelikik wrote: »
    I do not know. It depends on the circumstences. I know many couples where one partner is trying hard to look good when single, is trying hard in the first year or so of a relationship, and then just let himself or herself go. Weight creeping on and on, no longer brushing teeth, no motivation to workout, not bothering to have his/her daily shower and so on. It does not all come down to life happening, like kids, getting older or having a crazy job schedule. Many people just get into the "married" mentality in a bad way, stop putting in any effort at all, and end up making Al Bundy look like a model partner.

    Some people are willing to work at it just until they get it "locked down" and then they really let go. I have actually heard it from coworkers about getting married and how it means they can stop watching what they eat, stop going to the gym, basically just stop putting any effort at all into themselves. It's like the world's worst bait-and-switch game.
  • moya_bleh
    moya_bleh Posts: 1,375 Member
    edited April 2017
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    EbonyDahlia wrote: »
    It's not about not changing over time. That's reasonable. It's about respecting your partner enough to take care of yourself. You can't turn into a fat pig and then say "you should love me no matter what". That's disrespectful, and unreasonable IMO. People have a right to have standards. If you take care of yourself, and your partner does not, then you should say something. Or move on. Either way.

    Pretty much this. The weight gain/loss is not the real issue, it's the attitude behind it (see bolded) Likewise if somebody uses the "You should love me no matter what card" in the case of neglecting hygiene, quitting a job or reducing hours to play video games on the couch all day because 'their income will support us both just fine', drinking/drugs/gambling. An attitude of "I can do whatever I like and you MUST like it or else you don't love me" does not lend well to a healthy relationship.
  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,261 Member
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    Nope we can't force people to change but do we just abandon someone who is going through the worst thing ever
  • SpotLighttt
    SpotLighttt Posts: 174 Member
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    lemurcat12 wrote: »
    SpotLighttt wrote: »
    GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »
    aggelikik wrote: »
    tomteboda wrote: »
    The answer to bad moral character? I think everyone knows that's much, much harder than weight loss. A fat person (defined here as a person who is at 1 lb over the arbitrary WHO guide of BMI=25) can lose weight.They can bring joy to the lives of others. They can participate in athletic activities, be upstanding members of their communities, be generous and kind,and fun, and small good, and yes, have sex with ordinary humans without crushing them or breaking bones. And they can, as I said, lose the weight.

    A narrow, shallow, judgmental person changing is the stuff of fairy tales.

    I personally think anyone married to such a person is better off without the dead weight of that spouse.

    So, physical attraction is a matter of morals?
    I love it how everyone is supposedly for communication and honesty in marriages, as long as there is actually no real communication and honesty happening...

    It's not about physical attraction after a certain point. After all, we're all going to age, and wrinkled bits and sagging boobs and whatnot aren't all that.

    An established long-standing relationship becomes about more than physical attraction after a while. It stops mattering. You are making love to the person who has shared life's ups and downs with you and sex is about expressing everything you feel for each other.

    This has been the thrust of all the push back in this discussion. The idea of being turned on because they look hot just then and then going and having sex in a long-standing relationship is just not how it happens. I can remember that happening with my husband, way back in the early days, looking at him here and there and getting turned on, but that's just not how it works now.

    not true. I understand exactly where you are coming from but it doesn't disappear for us all. This is why you will find a lot of long term couples who still workout, who still look well groomed, who still dress well and conduct themselves in a desirable manner. Some of these attributes are what individuals generally find attractive. Not everyone gives up because the ups and downs of life have worn them down. Some people are stronger, this is where varying personalities come in because some people manage lifes stresses differently to others. Some people are young at heart, they want to remain desirable, they have a high sex drive and they are youthful.
    Your way is not the only way even though I appreciate it gets the majority count.
    An established long term relationship is about everything you mention AND physical attraction for some.

    And in life things happen. A lot of people have mentioned having things happen for a while and then making changes. People might find it harder to focus on fitness or to devote themselves to certain commonly enjoyed activities (two different things) during the first year of a baby's life or if a child was having health problems or when having to deal with parents with health problems or dying or with a worklife that becomes unmanageable. People go through periods where they may struggle with depression. People deal with health changes in different ways. My mother let herself go for a time after she had breast cancer and lost a breast. Yes, some might not. I don't think you can predict how you would react until you face the situation. That's definitely the case for aging. (And not everyone considers someone 65 being a little overweight = not caring about being attractive.)
    there really is no right or wrong answer here

    Sure. But it's a conversation, and I think talking about what you would consider right in a relationship is fair game and not being mean, as you seem to think. That's what the original question was about -- would you say something.

    I think suggesting/patronizing (more than once) someone has never been in a long term "established" relationship because their perspective on relationships is different leans towards being mean and takes away from having a 2 way healthy discussion. It's rather accusatory/condescending, no?

    Loaded conversations.

  • SpotLighttt
    SpotLighttt Posts: 174 Member
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    heiliskrimsli wrote: »
    newmeadow wrote: »
    This is a neutral observation, but, as with similar topics related to physical attractiveness, it's overwhelmingly women who are continuing this debate. It's a subject nearer to our hearts I think. And our thighs.

    I"m picturing the men who still have the patience to read this thread to be rolling their eyes? Giggling? Wanting to say their awful truth but refraining from it? Wondering what their wives would have to say about all this if they could really let loose? And so on...

    I haven't gotten too much flack from men for my viewpoint, here or elsewhere.

    I find men see this as a no brainer in general as they are sexually more driven.
    It's women that get soppy about this stuff
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
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    moya_bleh wrote: »
    EbonyDahlia wrote: »
    It's not about not changing over time. That's reasonable. It's about respecting your partner enough to take care of yourself. You can't turn into a fat pig and then say "you should love me no matter what". That's disrespectful, and unreasonable IMO. People have a right to have standards. If you take care of yourself, and your partner does not, then you should say something. Or move on. Either way.

    Pretty much this. The weight gain/loss is not the real issue, it's the attitude behind it (see bolded) Likewise if somebody uses the "You should love me no matter what card" in the case of neglecting hygiene, quitting a job or reducing hours to play video games on the couch all day because 'their income will support us both just fine', drinking/drugs/gambling. An attitude of "I can do whatever I like and you MUST like it or else you don't love me" does not lend well to a healthy relationship.

    The answer to that is not that the person who leaves is a horrible person because they ended the relationship, either. It's one thing to support someone who is actually making an effort to be a partner, and another to have them make no effort at all.
    Therealobi1 wrote: »
    Nope we can't force people to change but do we just abandon someone who is going through the worst thing ever

    So let's say I developed a serious gambling habit because of some trauma that I refuse to deal with and instead would rather burn through all the savings and go into debt by running up a bunch of credit cards at the local casino. My SO is understandably upset about this and has brought it up multiple times, encouraged me to get help for the underlying problem, and is even willing to pay for a counselor. Except that when I say I'm going to my therapy appointment, I actually go to the casino instead and lose even more money.

    Is my SO a bad person to lay it down and say "I have given you time, I have paid for therapy, and I have told you that this behavior is destructive to our relationship and that if it continued I would have no choice but to end things. This has continued for months and you have racked up even more debt. This relationship is over. I will have no further contact with you."?
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    heiliskrimsli wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    I have a cousin that went through this exact thing. Furthermore, she would over indulge in private or at work. Her husband would pay for PTs and she would come over my house while he would think she was there. She looooooooved candy and always had sweets around. She had no interest in losing weight. He was so supportive and patient, she even had health issues from the weight gain. When they first met she was probably 125 lbs and she got up to 249 lbs. But she met him after her mom was brutally raped and left for murder, her brother was killed a couple years after that, she lived from house to house and was separated from her young sister at this time. She had a very rough child hood and unfortunate situations after another...she suffers from major depression. Her main goal is to get through the day and pretend that everything is ok. I think the proper route to take if your partner/spouse is gaining weight is to address the underlying issue.

    That sounds a lot like you expect him to just keep his mouth shut about it and continue wasting money paying a trainer while his wife lies to him.
    Wow is that what you got out of that? What planet do you live on? You asked me what if they do not want to lose weight and you give them months and they don't lose weight but gain more weight...I shared with you a true story (never once in this whole thread did I state that a partner should keep his mouth shut - NEVER) My point is some people weight gain is a result of something else that manifest itself through extra weight. Deal with the root cause with the person YOU LOVE.
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
    edited April 2017
    Options
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    Wow is that what you got out of that? What planet do you live on? You asked me what if they do not want to lose weight and you give them months and they don't lose weight but gain more weight...I shared with you a true story (never once in this whole thread did I state that a partner should keep his mouth shut - NEVER) My point is some people weight gain is a result of something else that manifest itself through extra weight. Deal with the root cause with the person YOU LOVE.

    I asked you what then, and you told a story that had no resolution. Did the guy break up with her? Did she fix her issues? Did he just stop bringing it up? What actually happened?

    Also, you can't fix someone else's "root cause" when they're lying to you about their own effort.
  • lemurcat12
    lemurcat12 Posts: 30,886 Member
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    SpotLighttt wrote: »
    lemurcat12 wrote: »
    SpotLighttt wrote: »
    GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »
    aggelikik wrote: »
    tomteboda wrote: »
    The answer to bad moral character? I think everyone knows that's much, much harder than weight loss. A fat person (defined here as a person who is at 1 lb over the arbitrary WHO guide of BMI=25) can lose weight.They can bring joy to the lives of others. They can participate in athletic activities, be upstanding members of their communities, be generous and kind,and fun, and small good, and yes, have sex with ordinary humans without crushing them or breaking bones. And they can, as I said, lose the weight.

    A narrow, shallow, judgmental person changing is the stuff of fairy tales.

    I personally think anyone married to such a person is better off without the dead weight of that spouse.

    So, physical attraction is a matter of morals?
    I love it how everyone is supposedly for communication and honesty in marriages, as long as there is actually no real communication and honesty happening...

    It's not about physical attraction after a certain point. After all, we're all going to age, and wrinkled bits and sagging boobs and whatnot aren't all that.

    An established long-standing relationship becomes about more than physical attraction after a while. It stops mattering. You are making love to the person who has shared life's ups and downs with you and sex is about expressing everything you feel for each other.

    This has been the thrust of all the push back in this discussion. The idea of being turned on because they look hot just then and then going and having sex in a long-standing relationship is just not how it happens. I can remember that happening with my husband, way back in the early days, looking at him here and there and getting turned on, but that's just not how it works now.

    not true. I understand exactly where you are coming from but it doesn't disappear for us all. This is why you will find a lot of long term couples who still workout, who still look well groomed, who still dress well and conduct themselves in a desirable manner. Some of these attributes are what individuals generally find attractive. Not everyone gives up because the ups and downs of life have worn them down. Some people are stronger, this is where varying personalities come in because some people manage lifes stresses differently to others. Some people are young at heart, they want to remain desirable, they have a high sex drive and they are youthful.
    Your way is not the only way even though I appreciate it gets the majority count.
    An established long term relationship is about everything you mention AND physical attraction for some.

    And in life things happen. A lot of people have mentioned having things happen for a while and then making changes. People might find it harder to focus on fitness or to devote themselves to certain commonly enjoyed activities (two different things) during the first year of a baby's life or if a child was having health problems or when having to deal with parents with health problems or dying or with a worklife that becomes unmanageable. People go through periods where they may struggle with depression. People deal with health changes in different ways. My mother let herself go for a time after she had breast cancer and lost a breast. Yes, some might not. I don't think you can predict how you would react until you face the situation. That's definitely the case for aging. (And not everyone considers someone 65 being a little overweight = not caring about being attractive.)
    there really is no right or wrong answer here

    Sure. But it's a conversation, and I think talking about what you would consider right in a relationship is fair game and not being mean, as you seem to think. That's what the original question was about -- would you say something.

    I think suggesting/patronizing (more than once) someone has never been in a long term "established" relationship because their perspective on relationships is different leans towards being mean and takes away from having a 2 way healthy discussion. It's rather accusatory/condescending, no?

    Loaded conversations.

    I didn't say that (although I don't think it's especially mean to say that -- it's akin to saying "you'd feel differently if you had children." Annoying to those without children, I'm sure, but fair game if someone offers an opinion about what a parent should do in certain situations, IMO. (I don't have children, btw. I don't think it's mean to point that out.)

    I also think saying that it might be different if someone were actually in the situation (dealing with a real person they loved and not just a hypothetical person they were imagining had no excuse for gaining a few lbs and no extenuating circumstances and obviously deserved no sympathy, was just being a loser) rather than just thinking about it theoretically (which is what I did say) is assuming the best of someone.
  • SpotLighttt
    SpotLighttt Posts: 174 Member
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    Therealobi1 wrote: »
    Nope we can't force people to change but do we just abandon someone who is going through the worst thing ever

    then why are we forced to accept?

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