need help with my wife

2

Replies

  • So what do your kids eat when yourer not there to cook..doesn't she prepare meals for them? Surely she must, then she could eat the same?!

    Doesn't make sense.

    If she has an eating disorder then chances are she feeds the kids but just doesn't eat the food herself.

    That's what I did when I watched my little brother when I used to have an eating disorder. I wasn't lazy or neglectful or spoiled. I ALWAYS made sure he was fed, well taken care of, did his homework and got to school on time.

    It's unfair for people to assume that she doesn't take care of her kids just because she doesn't eat
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member
    Encourage her to get counseling and buy the protein shakes if she'll drink them. She won't magically put on muscle from them, just like no one magically puts on muscle from eating a steak.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member
    So what do your kids eat when yourer not there to cook..doesn't she prepare meals for them? Surely she must, then she could eat the same?!

    Doesn't make sense.

    If she has an eating disorder then chances are she feeds the kids but just doesn't eat the food herself.

    That's what I did when I watched my little brother when I used to have an eating disorder. I wasn't lazy or neglectful or spoiled. I ALWAYS made sure he was fed, well taken care of, did his homework and got to school on time.

    It's unfair for people to assume that she doesn't take care of her kids just because she doesn't eat

    Agreed. Many anorexics have been known to cook and care for others and refuse to eat themselves.
  • FocusT1980
    FocusT1980 Posts: 4 Member
    Sorry you're having a bad time with this.
    It does sound like emotional/mental disorder of some kind. Ignore anyone saying that she's lazy. I agree with the first comment that you should sit her down, make her look at you and then tell her that you love her, want her in your life forever and want her to stay healthy. Going to the gym keeps you healthy but you NEED food to thrive. Your children need her to stay healthy too... however, my instinct is that you should make this conversation just about her. Take away any talk about the children in this instance. When people have kids, it's easy to lose themselves and perhaps she's not tackling something in her mind because she's scared of opening a paralysing can of worms which she thinks couldn't be closed again (and so fears that she'd not be able to function for your kids as a result). However, if you sit her down and tell her eye to eye "I love you, I'm not that ex, I love YOU and I'd love you if you were 10lbs, 50lbs, 100lbs heavier, if you were blue with purple spots and have bright pink hair... I just want you to be healthy and have a good relationship with food" she might feel able to address it x I'd seek some help though.

    In the short term.. food wise.. I sometimes get short on time and my mega quick dinner for those days is cous cous. I get a bag of plain cous cous, throw some in a bowl with some sultanas, pour boiling water on it, let the water sink in, then throw in anything else quick, like chickpeas (garbanzo beans), seasoning etc. It's super quick and nutritious.
    In terms of shakes, I don't personally use one but Shakeology is supposed to be good (only available in the US at the moment though)

    Good luck!!
  • TheFrugalFatass
    TheFrugalFatass Posts: 58 Member
    Being a Navy wife is a hard job, and if she's far from home, she simply could be depressed. Also, speaking from my experiences as a military wife, sometimes you feel like your have no say over anything in your life and it's up to the military to decide everything for you. It sucks. (You, of course, know this because the military DOES run your life!)

    I would encourage her to see her doctor. You can go with her to keep her honest as to what she does/doesn't eat. The doctor can recommend counseling or even put her on a food plan. Let us know how it pans out.
  • swrswr1
    swrswr1 Posts: 2 Member
    a huge thanks to all for the great advice I really do appreciate it and I hope it works

    to answer some questions she does cook for the kids but most of the time basic things but nutricious.

    she currently weighs about 80ibs

    she went to a doctor for another issue and it was observed she was very under weight she needs to put on 20-30ibs to be a healthy weight

    I will go to the base and find out what they can offer and hopefully convince her to see someone. I think ill get some nutrition shakes as an added extra and hope all of it works

    thanks again
  • rosebette
    rosebette Posts: 1,659 Member
    If she is cooking for the children, she could still have an ED. Often people with ED will cook for others and not eat themselves. While I was never underweight, when I was a young mom after preparing the SOS for the children -- m & c, peanut butter, chicken nuggets, whatever they tend to eat -- I was really turned off by their food. I'd usually wait for my husband to come home to eat or if he came home late, eat a lean cuisine, but I did find it lonely eating by myself. Having full fat Greek yogurts around might be helpful because then she can get the fat and protein she needs.
  • makkoi
    makkoi Posts: 3
    a huge thanks to all for the great advice I really do appreciate it and I hope it works

    to answer some questions she does cook for the kids but most of the time basic things but nutricious.

    she currently weighs about 80ibs

    she went to a doctor for another issue and it was observed she was very under weight she needs to put on 20-30ibs to be a healthy weight

    I will go to the base and find out what they can offer and hopefully convince her to see someone. I think ill get some nutrition shakes as an added extra and hope all of it works

    thanks again

    That is very underweight, wow. I'm assuming she's short because she's a jockey but that is still very tiny.

    I am glad you are doing something for her, that is really so wonderful to see. I hope that she sees how much you care about her and love her and that inspires her to want to take care of herself and that she will see a professional for a diagnosis and further help. Both of you are in my prayers.

    I forgot to post these earlier, I don't know exactly what her problem is (there are so many problems that can cause someone to want to stop eating, either psychological or physical or both psychological and physical combined) but here are some cognitive behavioral worksheets that may be of some assistance. They are put up online by psychologists for free in hopes that people will get help.

    There are many topics, including Body Dysmorphic Disorder (that causes eating disorders) as well as an Eating Disorders topic, both used by the Center for Clinical Interventions, an Australian mental health organization. There are worksheets as well as a self-help program that outlines what Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Eating Disorders are, how it develops and treatment. If you read these, they might help you understand what her problem is and how to help her (if she has these problems and not depression or something; although there are also worksheets for Depression, Anxiety, Self-Esteem, and Perfectionism, all of which might contribute to why she isn't eating). (I would recommend not doing this solely but in addition to outside, professional help.) http://psychology.tools/download-therapy-worksheets.html

    It's up to her whether or not she gets help or reads information on what might be wrong, but you can set a good example and work to convince her to take care of herself the more you know about what might be wrong and also with a lot of patience and respect for what her problems are (which you seem to already have, you really do seem very caring).

    Best of luck to both of you, many people have made great recoveries (like me! :D ) and I know that she can be one of those people. :heart:
  • llamajenn
    llamajenn Posts: 34 Member
    There is not much you can do except to sit her down, look her in the eye, and say, "I love you. I need you. I'm worried about you. Please give your body the fuel it needs to stay healthy... for yourself and for your family that loves you."

    After that, the ball is in her court.
    Well said.
  • llamajenn
    llamajenn Posts: 34 Member
    Look up medical articles online about Zinc and anorexia. There are studies on how taking zinc in supplemental form can stimulate appetite. (Not to say she's necessarily anorexic, although she might be, I don't know.)

    I've been starving before (I wasn't anorexic) and had to gain weight, I used the myfitnesspal phone app to feel like I was in control of it, and also because I don't seem to have anything in me that tells me if I feel hungry or not, I usually just get tired/sleepy instead of feeling like, hunger pains or a rumbling in my stomach. Maybe she has this problem too from years of not eating enough as a jockey. If she monitors it, she will know how much to eat.

    She might not be aware of how little she is eating, and monitoring her weight and what she eats might be all you have to do to get her to eat. I absolutely don't realize how little I eat on days I forget to monitor my eating because there seems to be nothing in me telling me to eat, it has to be external. Monitoring it and also you encouraging her should help her start to see that she isn't overweight.

    I've noticed the more meat and things I eat, versus carbs, the easier it is to eat more. I've also noticed that if I can't eat or don't have appetite, I eat fruit first and this allows me to eat other things after I've had fruit. I don't know if this will work for her, but I think it works for people with acid reflux (which I also don't have... but still the fruit thing works for me, idky)

    And for the chicken expiring before she eats it, just cook it and freeze it, it won't expire. I sitll have times when eating is difficult or I don't eat properly for a few days, I keep my meat in a freezer, it works out fine so that I don't waste food.

    I actually freeze everything, tortillas, lean turkey, lean beef, fat free chicken, bread, vegetables, fruits... And it's all right there when I need it, so if she's lazy, there are ways around that so she can have food whenever she needs it. I keep a lot of sauces I like in the fridge so I just heat up the food and then pour sauce on it and it's a better meal than anything I ever used to eat, and it's ready in a few minutes. (I do have to cook a lot on the weekend though.)

    (I wonder if she's not actually lazy but just deprived of energy from many years of not eating enough/eating properly balanced food and so she doesn't do a lot and therefore refers to herself as lazy. It could be a long term lack of energy based on her dietary habits.)

    Also she doesn't want to gain a lot of fat, just have her monitor her macro nutrients, which you can also do with MyFitnessPal phone app. Set the protein higher and the carbs and fat lower, and she will have more energy and won't gain fat as much. Although she will still need to work out, I guess. Maybe you can go to the gym with her to make sure she works out, if she's eaten? (Pretty easy to see if she's eaten, just check the fridge or freezer; also make sure her weight isn't going down. Going to the gym will help her want to eat, too, like you said: she does well on gym days.)

    Finally, there are nutrition drinks. They aren't protein drinks, but are balanced nutrition. You can't LIVE off of them exclusively, but they are a great addition to a diet if you are trying to balance your nutrition and have trouble eating. They sell them in the health areas (like, by the pharmacy, medical health areas) of grocery stores or wal-mart. I thnk usually either really sick people or very elderly people drink them.

    I did have to see a counsellor and the reasons for me not eating were very deep (I had ptsd and didn't know it and therefore wasn't treating it/taking medicine for it, which was making me severely depressed and really messing up my thinking). I have no idea if your wife is suffering from anything at all related to that. If she's not, this advice should work. If she is, this advice will still work, but only after she's started taking care of the deeper problem and is on the way to recovery from it.

    Also my recovery was entirely driven from people who loved me enough to want to see me healthy again and patient enough not to get frustrated at me for my situation. So no matter the severity of her problem, you loving her and having a loving attitude is going to be the key to fixing it, which I think you definitely already do if you are on here and concerned about her and trying to cook for her and everything. That is really wonderful.

    Great suggestions here.
    If you have a serious conversation with her about it and she isn't willing to change, I'd suggest going to a professional for help. Initially It might just be you going to get ideas on how to help her or staging an intervention if needed.
  • NoxDineen
    NoxDineen Posts: 497 Member
    ! She sounds either seriously spoiled or seriously disturbed. You have little children? Are they OK? What exactly is she feeding them? Please ask her. Her whole story about how some guy said she was too heavy so now she starves herself? That kind of nonsense typically goes out the window after you have children. She needs to start cooking the chicken pal.

    Actually it sounds a lot more like an eating disorder and some degree of clinical depression.
  • Bounce2
    Bounce2 Posts: 138 Member
    As someone who has lived and breathed the same work industry as your wife I can fully understand this behavior. I was never a jockey but def. had weight restrictions imposed on me for my job to ride track work and jumpouts. I also dated a tall jockey and let me tell you its a hard life mentally and physically trying to live within those restrictions.

    At certain times in my life I have known more people with eating disorders than not and have had my own struggles with weight and body image issues. I see that your wife weighs 80lb's; which depending on her height may or may not be a health concern. Regardless I have NO doubt that she would benefit from seeing a counselor as the lifestyle that her work forced her to live is one that can have lifelong effects on not only her mental health but also her physical health. Feel free to send me a PM if you want to ask me some questions. Goodluck.
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
    Jockeys have to br small and they go through extraordinary means to keep their weight down. She might have developed habits that she can undo.
    People are capable of learning new habits.
  • So what do your kids eat when yourer not there to cook..doesn't she prepare meals for them? Surely she must, then she could eat the same?!

    Doesn't make sense.

    If she has an eating disorder then chances are she feeds the kids but just doesn't eat the food herself.

    That's what I did when I watched my little brother when I used to have an eating disorder. I wasn't lazy or neglectful or spoiled. I ALWAYS made sure he was fed, well taken care of, did his homework and got to school on time.

    It's unfair for people to assume that she doesn't take care of her kids just because she doesn't eat

    Agreed. Many anorexics have been known to cook and care for others and refuse to eat themselves.

    This- that's exactly what I did in hardcore restriction phases of my disorder.

    I really don't like seeing all the assumptions here that just because she has problems, she can't look after her children. It's really disempowering to people with eating disorders and other mental and physical health issues, because we are able to look after the people in our lives. Mental illness does not define people.

    It also upsets me a bit to see people saying that she's lazy or implying that she's selfish because she doesn't cook- she may be depressed or have anxiety that renders her literally unable to cook or do things.

    Of course, I may be wrong, I don't know her- I think you should encourage her to see her doctor about this though, for her sake and health. Some therapy might be a good option :)

    I just don't like people making assumptions. Sorry for the rant!
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    Feed her MREs without telling her.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,928 Member
    Hmm...

    As far as food going bad, when you buy chicken and other meat, freeze it immediately. Next, when you do have time to cook, try cooking in big batches so that she can just microwave the food (again, freeze individual portions and just take one out of the freezer for her every day to thaw). A slow cooker might also be a good investment since you wouldn't have to be there to cook it. You just have to start it.

    As for shakes, I'd definitely talk to a doctor. My family used to give my grandpa Ensure when he was underweight and he would have one a day.

    Try to keep high calorie, easy to grab items in the house like avocados, peanut butter, bread, high protein and fat cereals and whole milk, etc.

    She also needs to start taking responsibility for herself since she's a grown woman. If this means you have to take her in to see a professional about her eating disorder, then that's what it means. Tell her how much it scares you that she may not be around in a few years because of her behaviour. Maybe she needs to start sending you e-mails or text messages showing her eating a plate of food three to four times a day. You shouldn't have to look after her like that, but for now, to help her, it might be necessary. Tell her you're going to keep an eye on her food and the garbage can.

    Best of luck.
  • muggzie399
    muggzie399 Posts: 116 Member
    When my 3 kids were small and I was a stay at home mom, I cooked every night. I ate when I had a chance to grab something. I was very thin. Most of the time, I would eat and it would pass right through. Could not eat out or eat at events.

    It turned out, I had IBS. Maybe she has a reason she doesn't want to eat. If you can't get her to talk to you, try getting her a doctor or counselor. They work wonders.
  • lporter229
    lporter229 Posts: 4,907 Member
    I have Crohn's disease and when I am struggling to get nutrition my doctor has recommended Carnation Instant Breakfast packets. I make them into shakes with milk and fruit or peanut butter, but they also come as pre-made shakes if she can't be bothered to mix it up. Compared to other meal replacement shakes, they are relatively inexpensive.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,928 Member
    I have Crohn's disease and when I am struggling to get nutrition my doctor has recommended Carnation Instant Breakfast packets. I make them into shakes with milk and fruit or peanut butter, but they also come as pre-made shakes if she can't be bothered to mix it up. Compared to other meal replacement shakes, they are relatively inexpensive.

    Oh I used these when I was younger for a breakfast replacement.
  • missycj87
    missycj87 Posts: 24 Member
    She also needs to start taking responsibility for herself since she's a grown woman. If this means you have to take her in to see a professional about her eating disorder, then that's what it means. Tell her how much it scares you that she may not be around in a few years because of her behaviour. Maybe she needs to start sending you e-mails or text messages showing her eating a plate of food three to four times a day. You shouldn't have to look after her like that, but for now, to help her, it might be necessary. Tell her you're going to keep an eye on her food and the garbage can.

    Best of luck.
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    she is his WIFE. what do you mean he shouldn't have to look after her like that? she is experiencing difficult times and the worst thing he can do to her is not be supportive. i believe marriage vows goes something like "for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part". i agree that she should start taking responsibility for herself, but we have no idea where she is mentally or emotionally at this time. it is not always that simple. like everyone else have said, he should seek counseling for him and his wife and take all the avenues they need to so she can get better. furthermore, even if his wife sends him pictures of what she is "supposed" to be eating, that wont stop her from flushing it down the toilet. he is not her drill sergeant and i dont think it would fly over well if he starts trying to control her. eating disorder's are largely about having control, and if she does in fact have an ED she will fight him tooth and nail. he is her husband. not her father.