My rock bottom... trying to get out :(
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Hello everyone.
First off, I am sorry I didn't post last night. I went to "hot" yoga at a recommendation from an AA friend as a way to calm my mind. I loved it. I was actually sort of happy (well, not sad...) for once. I mean, you have all been SUCH a great support to me and you have made me smile and given me hope and a sense of freedom, but the hot yoga is something I definitely needed. I went again tonight. I'm going again tomorrow (signed up for two sessions tomorrow!). I am also starting to eat better.
Before I get to an update, I wanted to say something about LAMCDylan. As the messages say above, for some reason, one of his messages on here got flagged. I am not sure who flagged it, but he is an awesome MFP friend of mine who has supported me in the past, before I came out with my whole story. He is amazing and will always be my MFP friend. There was nothing insulting or off about his post. Yay for LAMCDylan! I just thought I had to defend him because I was so confused as to why his post got flagged.
I also see that someone (well, more than one person) flagged a message on here from someone asking me to send them a picture of me, a few times. Although the message was supportive in nature (you probably don't look that fat, send me a pic, you are doing good), I just don't feel comfortable sharing my picture, even with my head cut off. That's just me I guess. That's why my profile picture is not me. I don't even have a Facebook account or Twitter or Instagram or any of those. I am a VERY private person. (I know... some of you may be thinking... not so private with my divulging all of my troubles). But, I feel this is a safe place to share my story and I do not regret it because I feel so much love and support and I'm not sure I would be as strong as I am being (teeny weeny strong-ish) if it weren't for the wonderful people who have reached out to me on MFP.
Also, it is amazing how many people are joining the SUPPORTIVE WOMEN group!!! Men are welcome too of course. Anyone who has been in a controlling or abusive relationship (partners, friends, co-workers, family) is welcome, or those who wish to lend support and advice and encouragement. zacksnana set it up as a way to calm down some of the fights on this thread, and I think it was a great idea.
Lastly, UPDATE:
So at the advice of a fellow AA friend, who is also a lawyer, I signed up for "hot" yoga at a studio close to my parents' house. It is $40 for a beginner's special, unlimited classes for a whole month, no obligation to sign on later or stay on for 6 months or any of that stuff. Drop in fee is $18, so I thought I would definitely get my money's worth. I was telling my AA friend how hard I am finding it to go out on a walk, (although I have gone on tiny ones... very tiny ones) and how hard it is to stay in the moment and be calm in the moment. When she suggested it I got excited and signed up immediately.
The only problem was, all my workout clothes were at home with my husband. When I packed my suitcase to come to my parents' house, I mostly packed suits (because I still had my job). I could have gone out and bought new workout clothes, but given that I don't have a job now, I really need to save my money (I have CRAZY student loans to pay). So, my dad came to make sure everything was okay. We went when I knew he was asleep. I saw his uncle downstairs and asked if he was asleep, said I was getting some more clothes. I was trying to be very quiet, but apparently not quiet enough, because he woke up. He said "Oh, I didn't know you were here" and I said "Yeah, just getting some workout clothes" (in hindsight I am thinking he may be thinking - "oh great, she's finally going to lose weight", but I can't think about what he's thinking, I am doing this for ME, and really, just to relax my mind). Anyway, I rushed in packing another suitcase and was about to walk out. He looked at me, and I looked at him. He was not going to hurt me. I know that. I know people have said that he could, and you could be right, but in that moment we just looked at each other with sadness. I don't know if I regret this, maybe I do, but we both leaned in for a quick kiss, then I left. No more words said. It felt like "the goodbye kiss".
I know many of you will think that was a mistake. But this is really hard for me and I'm really sad about my relationship potentially ending. I have not filed for divorce yet. I still need to just clear my mind and work on me before making any big decisions. AA says not to make any big decisions in your first year of sobriety. I know lots of people have said "file for divorce, leave him, it's as easy as that". But it's not easy for me. I guess that means I'm weak. But I'm trying.
Shortly after he texted me saying "It was nice seeing you today, it looks like you are doing better (and added a happy face)". I was almost going to ignore it, but (and it may be my weakness), I texted him back saying "Thanks. I am". No contact with each other since. I wanted him to know I AM doing better, without him.
I then went to my psychologist, alone. I told her everything that has happened since I last saw her. She says to continue seeing her alone, unless he asks to come, and in that case I can choose whether or not I want him there. But HE has to ask. HE has to want to come. Not sure that's going to happen.
Then I went to another "all ladies" AA meeting. Then to hot yoga. Then I fell asleep and couldn't post, so sorry for the late update.
Today was also busy. I slept in, then had to deal with my car dealership (they have to fix something on my new car I am not happy with, so I got a loaner), then I had a nap in front of the TV with my mom because she came home early because she cracked her rib, then I went to my doctor's then another "all ladies" AA meeting, then to hot yoga again.
My doctor wrote me a note to give to Employment Insurance (EI). In order to qualify for EI, I have to show I am actively looking for a new job. But right now I just can't. I am dealing with major depression, severe anxiety, going to AA, seeing my psychologist, dealing with a job loss, and of course the situation with my husband. So she wrote me a note to give to EI to relieve me of my duty to actively look for a new job right away. She suggested I do not work, or look for work, for 3 months. I was surprised, because I was thinking I would get more like one month or a few weeks, but she suggested 3. I will be reassessed every month and if I am feeling better or up to looking for a new job, that's fine. It can be changed.
Tomorrow, after my AA meeting, I am meeting my (old) boss at the scene of the crime - the same restaurant she took me out for lunch to let me go. I believe it will be an administrative meeting (i.e., talking about the files so she knows where to start from where I left off, signing letters to clients indicating the retainers have changed lawyers, etc.). But, I still wonder, when am I going to be let in the office to get all my stuff? When she let me go last Friday she took away my keys...
So, not looking forward to that. But I AM looking forward to hot yoga again tomorrow, and spending more time on MFP with all you lovely people!!
Thanks again for helping me through this. You have all made such an impact on me xoxo
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I'm really sorry to hear how low you are, hugs, I can't advise you because only you know what's best for you. I ended my marriage which had been physically abusive until I left him and then emotionally abusive for over 20 years, a part of me still loved him but ending our marriage was the best thing I've ever done, yes it was hard, for me, for him, for our children etc. but now 17 years later I am happy and my life is happy. I hope you can stop drinking and take your anti depressants regularly, it will take time for your depression to turn round but at the moment your thinking is being skewered by this illness which on its own is difficult enough, trust your friends and family because it's now you need them and they need to know to be able to fully support you and this is about you and not him! Good luck xxx0
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Glad to hear things are going better. At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself, 'do I want to live like this for the rest of my life?' It sounds like you're making some good decisions, and I wish you all the best. Stay strong
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I am so sorry for your struggles....I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but if you need a friend on MFP, I'll be there.0
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I'm so glad you're taking time to get mentally healthy (and physically too...I'm intrigued by "hot yoga"). I was in an abusive situation with my son's father...more emotionally abusive than anything else but at the time, I couldn't see it. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns and giving yourself time to heal. ::gentle hugs::0
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ManagingIntake wrote: »I will stay with my parents for a while. One thing about leaving that frightens me is telling my friends and extended family. They all love him and they do not know how he treats me. I would feel so ashamed for covering it up for so long. All the gifts they gave us as a married couple. All the cards, the conversations... all a lie. (?). It's too scary for me to think about such a big change.
Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my post and reply with such thoughtful comments.
It's good you're sticking with the paychologist and AA. They can help you work through a lot of your issues. I hope you can reach the point where you regain enough confidence and respect for your worth, that you realize what other people think about this doesn't matter. You deserve better. You deserve respect and support, and you will need to stand up for that. And walk away from him. I think you'll be surprised at the support you receive.0 -
All supportive women & men: Great job extending support to OP!
OP: You will get through this a day at a time.
:flowerforyou:
Just thinking out loud that, even if you are in a bad relationship, you don't have to throw your partner under the bus or tell people why you left him/her. You can be truthful without providing details. It's your life, and you can choose to share or not share any part of it. Some relationships just do not work out and are mutually destructive.
So, don't let the reaction of friends worry you. I am guessing they may have seen this coming, but if they are not supportive of you, they are not your friends. Find new friends!0 -
I don't know what province you're in (I do know you said you were Canadian), or even if you got out government loans for school, but for Ontario Student Loans there's a repayment assistance program where you can apply to have your repayments reduced or even deferred (with them paying the interest) for six months at a time. Might be worth looking into while you're taking time for your health.
You're still doing awesome. Like that you said 'Haven't filed for divorce yet'. Yet is a very good word.
Hot Yoga sounds perfect for you. I always loved going to yoga classes, especially the guided meditation and the feeling of really connecting with my body.0 -
Wow, the problem here is not your weight it's abusive husband. I know you love him, but you should be losing for your well being, not his benefit. was in a similar situation almost 3 years. Im lucky I got out, thought I was on death row. think he needs to see someone as well, seems like has issues work on. That will hopefully help you. I hate that when you don't agree with him, he gets mad. This aftermath can cause such horrible mental state. Last 4 years I've been super bitter, non trusting quiet. Even though I've been away from him he still had hold on me. Until met very special who breathed life back into me.. Living with your parents is great now, use that to your advantage. Why don't you start by looking mirror and finding all beautiful things about yourself. If you don't see it on the outside at first, look inside. Believe in your self and repeat these words : I'm Am A Strong Woman, I Am A Beautiful Woman, I Am Free. I Am A Talented Woman. I Deserve Better. ( im here if you need an ear)0
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nannersp61 wrote: »Stay with your parents. Get a court ordered restraining order and begin divorce preceedings immediately. You can easily get a divorce considering the way you've been abused over the years. He sounds like he has a massive personality disorder, this is a very toxic relationship.
err no to the court order or beginning divorce proceedings.
1. Its for the OP to make her own mind up and reach a decision that she can see thats the best way forward for her. theres a lot to untangle herself from. Starting divorce proceedings when she is still in recovery and not at the stage where she can make decisions would be premature and alter him.
2. Why seek a restraining order when she has not been threatened and he has done nothing to intimate he would harass her? it only pits him on alert and he is an unknown factor and unpredictable.
She can make up her mind to use a restraining order or divorce him if need be. Personally I think they're legitimate suggestions
"Alter him"? Who gives a *kitten* about this douche bag? And I certainly think bashing somebody's face in or almost making them lose an eye qualifies as intimidating. I only read the story and hell I'm intimidated
Alter was a typo it was alert.
If you look at my post im saying exacly that, its for the OP to decide to do so when she feels ready to. For the moment shes in a safe place and is slowly getting into a better place.
Its a question of timing and when she feels ready to make the decision. When she does then his response is unpredictable and she has to be ready for that. He could be very volatile so theres no point setting him off prematurely until she is ready to deal with him because at the moment he is leaving her alone.
Of course they are legitimate suggestions/ aspirations, its more a question of timing, am surprised you couldnt see that. Ive been involved in these situations a number of times with friends and family, which brings to light the limitations of the law in these situations. just because you have a restraining order doesnt mean it works. At the moment the OP is best served imo getting to a better place and can make those decisions when she feel up to it and ready. Its hard in her head to let go no matter how much the rest of us may feel he's toxic and should be ditched.
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Yeah it's still showing "No requests".0 -
Yeah it's still showing "No requests".
Sending FR. we'll get it worked out. Tell me if you don't see that either.0 -
Keep staying strong! You're beautiful and can accomplish all that you work hard for. We're all here for support. Fall in love with the life you're living everyday-good and bad days. Good luck with all your progress to come!0
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Yeah it's still showing "No requests".
Sending FR. we'll get it worked out. Tell me if you don't see that either.
I also didn't recieve a request. Guessing MFP is having some kinks with groups again.
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Kida_Adeylne wrote: »
Yeah it's still showing "No requests".
Sending FR. we'll get it worked out. Tell me if you don't see that either.
I also didn't recieve a request. Guessing MFP is having some kinks with groups again.
I can actually go to the group too and request to join but the request never goes through. It just hangs there. I'm going to try a different browser too.
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In Canada, you don't have to get divorced right away (or ever). You can be separate and apart and maintain that for as long as you like. The only reason you "have" to get divorced is if you have a pension that requires a divorce certificate to remove him as a beneficiary, or you want to get remarried.
You're doing wonderful. Amazing, even. I'm so glad you're getting the support you need from your medical team, your family and friends, and from AA. You're making the right decisions *for you*, for right *now*. And that's all you can do.0 -
I can't seem to locate the group but I would love an invite. Very invested in how OP is getting along!0
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