Unhelpful comments
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stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
Exactly. I had to do the same thing with my mother.0 -
sunnybeaches105 wrote: »My wife called me fat about 8 years ago. I did something about it. It's hard for someone to watch a loved one slowly kill themselves.
That assumes of course the "love" in "loved one" actually means something and your dad isn't a psycho. Just to be clear.
I agree with this.
Some people just don't know how to encourage you to try to lose weight. I'm sure your dad doesn't mean it the way it sounds. I was the thin one in my family growing up and my sisters struggled with weight and my dad used to say all the women in my mom's side of the family had the (enter her last name) "spread" meaning they were all wide and big.
I never knew how it felt to hear such a thing until I got overweight. Not a nice thing but he knew no other way to say it I guess. 0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Sorry, but I just can't understand how comments by dad trying to get the OP moving at 18 are "hurtfull" and "dangerous". What have we come to as a world? He's paying for her education--she'll have no debts. Does that sound like a mean parent that doesn't care? OP--I read you as being too sensitive, "woe is me", "any comment hurts my feelings". Buck up and get yourself where you need to be.
For five years? Since she was 13? Incessantly, since that always works? Maybe his heart is in the right place but I suspect he may be going about it the wrong way. Raising a girl, I would think you would create an environment for her to eat well and get some fun or challenging activity (the kind that builds character, etc), not keep making comments and draw self consciousness to her appearance. But I'm honestly just guessing, here. Not a parent
I'll tell you a secret Janei---18 yr olds exaggerate (alot), especially if they want you to agree with them. How can her father be saying hurtful things "incessantly" everyday, if she's away at the university and is just home on vacation? Does he call her on the phone and say "Hey, get up and move your***"? I don't think so. I remember when I was 18 and went to school in hot pants (short shorts). My dad hated it, and when I ran off to catch the bus he would tell me that my thighs would get huge because it was cold and my legs would grow to compensate. I was hurt and insulted--I thought I looked great, but was insecure at the same time, so any comment rocked my confidence. So at that age I thought he was just awful, too strict, etc. I was a typical teenager. I have 3 sons in their 20's. I was strict with them and they told me how awful I was. My jaw dropped recently when they were commenting among themselves about someone in the family screwing up their life. They were saying "Well what do you expect, they grew up doing whatever they wanted-- with no discipline".
I'll read more closely later and respond fully. The statements are consistent (I can't say true, false, overstated or not) because she's 18. Prior to that, she would have lived with him for years and did mention he started on this years ago. At that point she likely wouldn't have been a visitor - which even now may be assuming she doesn't go to school from home. Sometimes when you've created an environment that's finally free of this stuff, it can hit you harder when you suddenly have to deal with it again.
So let me ask you a question. If a parent mostly does right by their kid, are you of the opinion they can do no wrong?
I think a parent can only do their best and are bound to make mistakes--you just hope they're not serious ones. I think a parent is not there to be a "friend" to their child, you are the parent, make the rules and watch to see that they are followed. As a parent you love your children and show them and tell them that as best you can. If you screw up as a parent, you say "I'm sorry, I made a mistake", so your children learn that no one is perfect, and how to remedy that. I think every parent should take dog, or other animal training courses---it's the same basic principal.0 -
Perhaps your father missed the classes on bedside manner in med school. Do this for no one but yourself, if that is what you truly want. You are a valuable person, your weight is a part of who your are, there is so much more. Stand up for yourself and let your father know how much this is hurting you.
As a person that was exposed to an unthinking parents comments, I can relate to how much it can hurt. I have lived for a long time and it still hurts 45 years later.
Seriously people, this can be devastating and psychologically damaging to your children. So many say, treat people the way you want to be treated, that goes for your children as well. There are ways to help your children with out demeaning them.0 -
would you say to your child after failing their exams that they are thick/stupid and need to study more/harder? after all that statement is true so it is fine yes? after all if they were clever they would not have failed their exams
it isn't what they say, it is how they are saying it
it can and probably will affect them psychologically for the rest of their life, especially females, and could potentially be fatal0 -
stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
Adults take care of themselves. Perhaps this respect needs to be earned through action.0 -
stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are
So you are encouraging an 18 year old to leave her/his home and break a relationship with the family because the parent (in that age old parental stupid way they all have of trying to help) is annoying???
I hope the cutie on your picture never does that to you....
And since when did anything a parent ever said that the precious young adult don't agree with, became "emotional abuse"?? Do you even know what emotional abuse look like??stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
that's a very adult way to deal with the matter!
People need to read entire threads before they comment. I didn't say cut the man off forever, I said to stop going home for a while. It's always okay to take a break from a relationship to work on yourself. Op has said she suffers from depression and anxiety. I also suggested she get some therapy to figure out why she is so triggered by him. She's asked the man to stop commenting on her weight and he gets defensive and continues. At that point it becomes abusive. And no, I would never continue to say things to my adult child that upsets him then defend saying those things. I'd apologize like a normal person and not do it again. I would completely expect for my son to avoid me if I continuously said things to upset him. If you think that it's okay to do that to someone because you're an "annoying parent" then I suggest you also seek some therapy.
"The man" is her dad....her father, the guy who did his utmost to keep his little girl healthy and happy... Without instructions, a textbook, a YouTube video on "how to be the perfect parent"..... Sorry, but an 18 year old still trying to blame her weight problem on someone else, is clearly not an adult ....Manipulating your loved ones to get your own way might be the preferred way for the "me generation" to deal with their problems, but it is nothing but mean and loathsome.... And above all, weak..... Good luck with your son..... And good luck growing up eventually!0 -
One thing I understood as a obese woman, most people in our society think that it is okay to hurt people when they are obese. As its all for their own good. You have to be steady in your goal and show all the negative minded people what you really are. You have to ignore most people in your life. This is sad but truth.0
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sparklydragons wrote: »So I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember (I'm 18 now) and I've always had comments from people about my weight.
The main person to comment is my dad. He's constantly saying things like "do your knees hurt" and "you need to get up and move before you can't anymore". He knows that saying these things hurt me and actually discourage me. I've asked him to stop but he insists that he's not doing anything wrong.
If any of you guys have someone like this in your life how do you deal with it? Everytime I come back from uni I'm greeted with this and I don't know how to block it out anymore...
On the discouragement side, I'd talk to him and tell him how he can encourage you. If he's a doctor, maybe he can help you come up with an action plan to lose weight.
On the hurting side - the truth hurts sometimes, and sometimes a painful truth is better for us to hear than an easy lie, or worse, the silence of everyone ignoring the elephant in the room. I think there are far too few people in the world willing to speak the painful truths.0 -
jofjltncb6 wrote: »CassidyScaglione wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »He is worried and not everyone knows the best way to encourage others. Have you told him it annoys you? Tell him. Then just ignore, walk away. If there's one thing I've learned about parents, it's that I can't change them. All I can do is remove myself from the conversation (after I've mentioned that I'm tired of hearing it.)
Men are especially bad at how to say this... If a woman said it that way, she is being catty, if a man says it that way... He's pretty much just being a dude. Tell him "I am trying to lose weight, but i need you to be encouraging and you are being discouraging."
Well, that's sexist.
And incorrect. Excusing bad behavior because he's a "dude" sets women up for lifetimes of trouble. Men can be civilized, even older men but no one changes unless they want to no matter what we do.
OP, I had some toxic family relationships in my past (not my parents Blessed Be.) It's hard to, as one poster put it, take a break from the relationship, but I noticed that once I did I was able to deal with the issues leading to my eating disorder/weight control. In my case it lead to ending the relationship entirely, but once you've dealt with your issues you can pick up where you left off and be stronger for the time away.0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »Let me get the facts straight. Your father is a doctor. Your mother is dead. You are going to the university--all paid for by your father. When you come home from the university he makes a comment saying you need to move more and this is insulting to you. I read your profile that says you've always been fat as a kid, and you hate it. Now you're 18. All correct? As a parent, I'll tell you what I think. First of all your father lost his wife and probably doesn't want to lose you too. He's trying to nuge you in the right direction, but you (literally) aren't budging. How about responding "Sure dad, I was getting tired of sitting--lets go for a long walk together". If you really want to change your life, as you say in your profile, then get to it. Stick close to your father, and build a relationship since it's only the two of you. Get smart before it's too late.
A lot of wisdom in there.
Maybe you'll have to "grow up" a bit faster than the average kid, since you lost your mom early, and that isn't fair. But now, both literally and figuratively, you must get up, and move on.
As snowflake954 said, you are not alone. Build or rebuild that relationship with your dad on new basis, i.e. not like his "little girl" but as a young woman.
As long as there is love, there is hope. It's cheesy, but so true.
Good luck and take care.0 -
stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are
So you are encouraging an 18 year old to leave her/his home and break a relationship with the family because the parent (in that age old parental stupid way they all have of trying to help) is annoying???
I hope the cutie on your picture never does that to you....
And since when did anything a parent ever said that the precious young adult don't agree with, became "emotional abuse"?? Do you even know what emotional abuse look like??stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
that's a very adult way to deal with the matter!
People need to read entire threads before they comment. I didn't say cut the man off forever, I said to stop going home for a while. It's always okay to take a break from a relationship to work on yourself. Op has said she suffers from depression and anxiety. I also suggested she get some therapy to figure out why she is so triggered by him. She's asked the man to stop commenting on her weight and he gets defensive and continues. At that point it becomes abusive. And no, I would never continue to say things to my adult child that upsets him then defend saying those things. I'd apologize like a normal person and not do it again. I would completely expect for my son to avoid me if I continuously said things to upset him. If you think that it's okay to do that to someone because you're an "annoying parent" then I suggest you also seek some therapy.
"The man" is her dad....her father, the guy who did his utmost to keep his little girl healthy and happy... Without instructions, a textbook, a YouTube video on "how to be the perfect parent"..... Sorry, but an 18 year old still trying to blame her weight problem on someone else, is clearly not an adult ....Manipulating your loved ones to get your own way might be the preferred way for the "me generation" to deal with their problems, but it is nothing but mean and loathsome.... And above all, weak..... Good luck with your son..... And good luck growing up eventually!
Are you seriously using my son and youthful looks to directly attack me and infantile me? You are out of line and lacking in common courtesy. Op came here for help and advice and I gave it based on what she posted. Don't wish me good luck with my son or growing up. That is condescending, rude, and not helpful to the op.
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"The man" is her dad....her father, the guy who did his utmost to keep his little girl healthy and happy... Without instructions, a textbook, a YouTube video on "how to be the perfect parent"..... Sorry, but an 18 year old still trying to blame her weight problem on someone else, is clearly not an adult ....Manipulating your loved ones to get your own way might be the preferred way for the "me generation" to deal with their problems, but it is nothing but mean and loathsome.... And above all, weak..... Good luck with your son..... And good luck growing up eventually!
Hi, just to clarify, I have never blamed my father on my weight - I don't know where you got that idea from. I know that he has tried to help as much as he could when I was growing up. As for manipulating people, I don't. Plain and simple. I'm far too socially anxious (even with my immediate family) to even try to. I've been manipulated myself by a guy who I thought was my best friend so I know that it's not something an adult would so.
Also, please don't insult other people on this thread. It's not achieving anything and has nothing to do with what I originally posted about. Thanks.Char231023 wrote: »Ok, so you are overweight and you are not happy being over weight, So your dad, the Dr, asks you if your knees hurt and tell you that you need to more more. Sounds like he is trying to help you in your goal to lose weight. Not to change you as you put it. BTW I would fully expect any Dr. to suggest a workout program and to lighten their diet to their patients overweight for health reasons.
As for people saying he is verbally abusing you (from what you told us he says to you). That is not verbal abuse.
What do you do when you get home from the university? Sit on your butt on the couch or on the computer. Then yes you do need to move more.
I actually don't just sit at home and do nothing. I'm pretty active and am usually exercising for at least an hour a day, whether that's walking the dog or at the gym. If I'm not being active then I'm in my room studying so that I can graduate university with the highest grade possible - this is when he tells me to move more. I don't just sit there and stare at the TV for hours on end. Just because he hasn't seen me go out that day doesn't mean that I haven't. I know that he's trying to help but he's going about it in the wrong way. Yeah, maybe I'm too sensitive and read too much into it but that's just what I'm like.
I didn't start this thread with the intention of getting sympathy/pity or for people to insult me/my dad. I only started it to know what people who have been through the same thing did. I don't want people who have no experience of this situation to weigh in when they don't know what it's like.
Thank you to those who have read this and understood what it's like for me, it's appreciated.0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »Let me get the facts straight. Your father is a doctor. Your mother is dead. You are going to the university--all paid for by your father. When you come home from the university he makes a comment saying you need to move more and this is insulting to you. I read your profile that says you've always been fat as a kid, and you hate it. Now you're 18. All correct? As a parent, I'll tell you what I think. First of all your father lost his wife and probably doesn't want to lose you too. He's trying to nuge you in the right direction, but you (literally) aren't budging. How about responding "Sure dad, I was getting tired of sitting--lets go for a long walk together". If you really want to change your life, as you say in your profile, then get to it. Stick close to your father, and build a relationship since it's only the two of you. Get smart before it's too late.
So much this.0 -
Sometimes the hardest things to hear are the ones we need to hear the most. Instead of wallowing in your bad feelings try accepting that what your dad is saying is true. No amount of feeling bad will change that it is true. Not saying it to you because you might have hurt feelings won't change that it is true.
Try changing yourself on the inside. Try accepting the positive in those comments. Your dad loves you. He cares about you enough to do something as hard as speak up to you about it. Even though he knows you could react badly and even push him away he still tries. When he says those things think to yourself. "Wow my dad really cares about me. I a so lucky so have such an amazing parent. I might not be ready to work on this problem just yet but it is good to know that he will be right there supporting me when I am."0 -
Just curious how tall are you? Do you have a goal weight in mind?0
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If he's a doctor, I'll chalk it up to most doctors I've ever met just being pretty blunt about whatever findings they observed when they examine a situation. Even if they are a parent.
And OP, you DON'T have to exercise or even move much to lose weight. You just need to eat less than you burn. Studying all the time can be correlated with "mindless" eating due to stress and just needing to do something with your hands. Clamp down on your eating habits and change them and losing weight will be more attainable.
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Lovee_Dove7 wrote: »Just curious how tall are you? Do you have a goal weight in mind?
I'm 5'2" so I'm aiming for at least 130, preferably 110 though0 -
Dad: Don't you think it's time to lose weight? Your knees must be hurting you.
sparkle: Dad! I'm studying for a final in this demanding course that you are paying for. Can we talk about this later?
...
Dad: So it's later. How did the exam go? Can we talk about your weight?
sparkle. Aced it, as you knew I would. This random hints about my weight are driving me crazy. I'd like to talk about this further, but I think it has to be staged.
Dad: staged?
sparkle: Yeah, like the two of us go on a date or something, maybe a picnic at the lake, and talk about weight, self-esteem, pressure, and listening to feelings. Stuff like that.
Dad: I suddenly remembered there's a ball bearing assembly that needs polishing in the garage. Later, k?
...
sparkle: So I was thinking, can we go out and have a father daughter dinner, just the two of us? What do you say?
Dad: Will we have to talk about our feelings?
sparkle: A little bit. But you can also order steak the way you like it. What do you say?
...
sparkle: How's the steak?
Dad: mmmm-mm
sparkle: So here's the thing. I know I'm overweight. I know it effects my health, mobility, heck, how I feel about myself. Lots of stuff. But I'm afraid if I try and tackle the weight and this demanding course load, it will be too much and I will fail. At both. Also, while your mouth is still full, you need to listen to me when I say what you are doing is too much. You have to back off. I know I need to do something about my weight but I want you to trust me that I know and I will deal with it on my own time.
Dad: mmm
sparkle: Glad we had this little talk. Next time you bring up my knees, my weight, whatever, I'll give you the gimlet eye, and that's your clue that you've over-stepped. Can you do that?
Dad: If I do that can we skip the talk about my feelings?
sparkle: Promise.1 -
@sparklydragons , some more possibilities to consider (in addition to the one where he's just being a pain in the buns and needs to stop):
Maybe he just walked to go for a walk with you? I'm not sure what your relationship is like and how much stuff you do together. It's possible he's reaching out and looking to spend time with you in one way he knows how. A lot of people don't come out and say what they want. Obviously, if that's what he's trying to do, it would be better to say, "would you like to go for a walk with me, pretty please?
". So my suggestion is to ask if what he's wanting is to go for a walk with you
Second one is to maybe over communicate your workouts, much like we do on our friends list here on MFP. Like just hollering or sending a text to say you're going for a workout or to walk the dog, or you just came back from doing so. Some people do like to micro manage a bit and this is one way to get them off your back. Watch them run when you decide to go into gruesome detail
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