My journey journal

Evamutt

I ask Him every day to have mercy on me. I hate the sin in me & I feel so apologetic for myself & for the human race. He created us out of his love & we rejected him & wanted to follow our own ways because we thought we knew better than him. My heart would break if one of my children who I love with all my heart would turn against me without anything I've done. I'm so grateful for His mercy & long suffering toward us & look forward to spending eternity with him & being rid of the sin in me

Lrlong82

These past couple of days have been pretty hectic emotionally. I've felt anxious and an overwhelming sense of dread at work. I know its because I'm responsible for making multitude of decisions each day that impact lives. Not just the lives of the clients but as a manager that includes the the lives of the staff as well.
But through it all I continued to stay focused. And through the use of non judgemental awareness (a.k.a mindfulness) I have come to understand that I am an "emotional" eater. I like to eat foods that evoke good feelings. I like to eat foods that get my dopamine receptors firing because then I feel all good inside!
Challenge: most of my feel good foods are high in calories, high in sugar and/or high in fat. Also, that desire to feel good drives much of decision making. Such as carbs and not vegetables. Desert even when I'm stuffed. Not turning down a second breakfast of Chic Fila biscuits at work even though I already ate at home. I do it because it feels good. And if I say no I feel anxious about missing a moment to feel good.
Overcoming Challenge: Continue mindful eating to find other feel good foods. Don't judge what I find. But rather use that information as a tool in my meal planning. And as always, keep logging.
God bless and feel good about what you do.

Lrlong82

When I first started this journey I must say that I didn't have a destination. It was a "might as well" thing. Yes I wanted some things to change but I didn't have a real long term goal. I knew losing weight was not a good goal for me because I am a yo yo dieter. So I said I would do this just because I wanted to. But as I've continued on this journey, I feel like I have outgrown my previous beliefs about dieting and subsequently my previous goals. So my goal now is to "fix my fork" as my cousin would say. I am now working towards developing eating habits in which I am eating less than 1900 calories per day, even less on my better days. I know if I persevere I will change my behaviors. And those behaviors will develop into habits. And those habits will grow into a lifestyle.
As I look at my current situation I feel as though I am in a canoe in the middle of a river. I have pushed myself further than I have ever gone before. There is water on all sides and the only way I am going to reach my destination is to forge ahead.
So God bless and row row row your boat.

Lrlong82

Testimony: Through mindfulness eating I have come to accept that raw vegetables do not feel good to me. That would have previously put a halt to my efforts of eating vegetables for breakfast. But through further observation of myself, I discovered that warm foods feel good to me. So this morning I warmed up my vegetable and actually enjoyed it.
God bless and let this food be nourishment to my body.

Lrlong82

Challenge: Why can't I have a donut? Why can't I just eat what I want when I want? What is the big freakin deal!
Overcoming Challenge; I don't have a strategy for that. Right now I allow myself to indulge in my urges. I rationalize my behavior with the thought that I am doing myself a favor. I give myself permission to indulge now so that I don't feel deprived and binge eat later.
One of biggest frustration is that I'm having these internal battles at all. In the beginning my focus was on finding strategies to avoid eating high calorie, high fat, high sugar foods. You know the kind that taste the most delicious. But now my struggle is with the struggle. Even though in my head I know its for a healthier purpose, in the moment of deciding whether to eat a donut or to not eat the donut I'm feeling defeated. Like something is wrong with me for struggling like this. That I'm less than because I can't even eat a donut. And that none of this is going to get better because there will always be "delicious" foods out there. So why bother? And in that moment I can honestly say that I don't have a heart felt answer to combat those feelings. Even my knowledgeable answers of eating healthy, fixing my fork, counting calories, watching my sugar intake, etc aren't good enough. And so I ate the donut today. Matter of fact I ate two.
God bless because the struggle is real.

AustinRuadhain

Lrlong82 wrote: »

"you can have what you want. You just have to change your mind about what you want". Of course my client didn't want to hear that. All she wanted to hear was yes to all her demands, which none were healthy or wise decisions.

Wow, thanks for sharing this. I, too, have been in the process of adjusting my wants!

Lrlong82

Eerrrggghh!!! :-(
Challenge: This thing called life. Ok so not all of it :-) But changing a lifestyle is a big big deal. I'm challenging all of my long long long life time habits and that is a struggle. I literally have shortness of breath, tightness in my chest, anxiety, anger and sadness all at the same time when faced with the option of changing. (not anything severe or of clinical concern). I am torn between being insane (doing the same thing and expecting a different result), being okay with not changing or doing something different.
Overcoming challenge. Keep logging. It keeps me accountable. It also gives me data to examine so I can approach this from a practical evidence based approach. Stay mindful so I can be aware of trends, effective versus ineffective techniques and barriers to implementing skills. Being mindful also helps me be aware of how I am feeling and how I feel about the food I eat. Lastly, give myself a break. Changing a lifestyle is like changing the world. It doesnt come easy. It doesnt come over night. I'm not perfect. I will miss the mark. So giving myself a break decreases that internal condemnation, shame, guilt, feelings of worthlessness, helplessness and hopelessness that usually leads to me quitting. I tell myself that if I keep going at it then I will eventually get there.
God bless and keep going

Kfrase83

I have taken the time to read your journey beginning to end. I think a change in perspective is what will change the situation for you, because you have the knowledge, and the skills with the CBT and mindfulness training you have

AustinRuadhain sharing the quote from your client resonates with your post directly above it: your client always wanted to hear yes, and you always want to hear yes, specifically in the post about the donuts.

I really like analogies: if you look at eating a donut and putting it in your body, it's like you're putting a cheap, fast-food version of gasoline in your car, and your car will not run well without regular, or even supreme gasoline in it. Give yourself the fuel you need: don't overflow it with the gas you don't need (excess calories in junk food).

Evamutt

I have a veggie tip: after I cook mine, I put some butter(yes I weigh it), Parmesan cheese & garlic powder, so tasty

Evamutt

thank you for sharing more. I know the donut is not what this is about, I do understand that, it's about changing your mind, attitude, view , as I am/did, but I do want to share that I am totally happy with substitutes for some of the things I loved, so i don't feel deprived, My downfall were sausages, now I eat them but have the turkey or chicken ones & don't miss the beef/pork. I say this because my husband just grilled a pack of brats & I truly don't want any. I'm full from my brunch of tater tots, jalapeno & ham omelette with cream cheese & english muffin - all low cal versions

Lrlong82

I switched my plan and ate my wheat bread pb&j sandwich for breakfast and my veggies for lunch. Seems to have worked better for me. God bless and that it is all.

Lrlong82

I am feeling bumbed out.
Challenge: I didn't even try yesterday. I knew it was going to be that kind of day. I felt a "forget it" attitude kick in around 9am. So then i told myself... "Lets see how many calories I eat when I don't try". I didn't use my gum to combat my snack attacks. I ate the office goodies that I avoided yesterday. I ate the catered lunch, to include 6 cookies, instead of my lunch I made at home. My grand total was 5055. Probably would have been more if I had my morning coffee and after dinner dessert.
Overcoming challenge: 1) keep logging. the habit of logging enforced some restraint. I eat a salad at lunch first. I ate half the sandwich and saved the other half for dinner. 2) buy healthy foods for the house. I ate better at home for breakfast and dinner because there wasn't temptations and/or distractions. 3) take it easy. This road is rough enough. Give myself credit for what I did do because those habits took a long time to acquire! 4) keep working at it. If i learned those habits I can learn some more. 5) Be thankful. Today is a new day. It is a blessing to be alive. There is no calorie count that gives more joy peace and happiness than the love of God. I am thankful for all of His blessings and pray I can use them to help others. This thing isn't all ABOUT me. Its just FOR me so He can grow me for His Glory.
God bless and move on.

Lrlong82

Thank God for this journal. This morning's post motivated me because I was able to recognize my progress. No 5000 calories in one day is not progress!! :-D But eating a salad before the entree is. And not gobbling down an entire entree at one time is progress. So is eating a high fiber breakfast in the morning and avoiding an after dinner high carb/high sugar dessert that night because I ate at home. Also, even though I didnt eat it, I was super proud of the lunch I packed because it was low in carbs and packed with vegetables. And like I mentioned in my post this morning, I earned those habits honestly through consistent logging, increased awareness and not giving up. It is such a blessing to have fruits from my labor. And to be able to see it. I am so excited about that! Although yesterday was a 5,000 calorie day I now count it as a win. Being able to journal my day helped me change my mindset and shift my focus off of the negative and on to the positive. I am so inspired by my progress in formulating new eating habits that I feel like I have caught my second wind. I feel really good, like I CAN do this. Thank God for insight. For a change in perspective. For encouragement.
God bless and thank God for this journey's journal.

Lrlong82

Today was a great day. I was mindful of my choices and took pride in fueling my body with mostly healthy foods. I had a protein packed breakfast that held me over for 4 solid hours. I got in some steps doing my bi-weekly grocery shopping. My fridge is full of more fresh produce than ever before. And I was under my spending budget, unlike the myth that eating healthy cost more money would suggest. I got in half a slice of cake and 2 alcoholic beverages during dinner at olive garden.
But I ate salad and broccoli to balance it out ;-) And my day's ending calories are half from yesterday. I am definitely a happy camper today.
God bless and good night.

Lrlong82

I've discovered BEANS. Wow! What a delicious way to get in some fiber.
God bless the bean.

Lrlong82

Challenge: this week I accepted my reality that I do not want junk food to end. When I'm eating something sugary/fatty/carby and delicious I tend to eat it all up, gobble it all down and stuff myself. I eat and eat and eat even if I'm not hungry or if I'm already stuffed full. I once told myself that once I started eating I had no self control to stop. I guess its called being greedy. And I can tell its different from my reality that I over eat when I am anxious about being wasteful. Although the two weigh on me differently they also can occur at the same time.
Overcoming challenge: Being aware that I have the thoughts is the first step in overcoming. In a non judgemental way I can accept how I feel when I'm feeling it. And because the Word says I overcome by my confession I can replace those thoughts with self edifying/encouraging words in those moments. I can eat mindful to allow myself time for awareness of how I'm feeling. I can tell myself that its okay for the food to end. I can tell myself that its okay to save the rest for later. I can remind myself of the concept of leftovers.
As I write that out I feel like those are basic ideas. But I'm going to give myself a break. Although they may be common knowledge and practices for someone else, I won't let that stop me from taking this opportunity to learn them for myself.
God Bless and back to the basics.

Lrlong82

OMG. I lost 3 pounds!
Challenge (because it wouldn't be me if I wasn't faced with a challenge!): I don't believe I lost three pounds. I think its a difference because I was on a different scale and I was wearing heavier clothes.
Overcoming challenge: Recognize my efforts. 1) I log consistently. 2) I'm focused on the quality of my calories versus the quantity. That's helped alleviate some of my restrictions on certain foods like beans, whole wheat/bran and nuts. So even though my calorie count is still around 2000 I feel like I'm eating a little bit better. 3) I'm identifying and replacing beliefs/thoughts that perpetuated over eating. None of that came over night. Or with a pill. Or on someone else's plan. It took work. I had to put in a lot of work for a long time to change just a few of my eating habits. So I should enjoy this victory because I earned it. But just to ease my mind about the validity of this accomplishment I will weigh myself on the previous scale with more clothes on.
God bless and good night

Lrlong82

I am excited that I continued to focus on the quality of my food. I've found that fueling up on high fiber really does cut down on snacking because I feel fuller longer. And the fiber helps things moving in my digestive system. I've also noticed a change in my mindset about somethings. Once upon a time I was excited about getting to McDonald's. But this past week I was a little flustered thinking of the low quality of the food there. Good news for me, and the sustainability of the company, McDonald's is more than fried foods and biscuits now to accommodate the health conscious consumer. So I felt pretty good about my choices.
This change in thinking also has me considering the quality of food I feed my kids. I think about their little digestive system and I want to feed them foods that won't hurt them. I don't want them hyperactive from too much sugar. Or constipated from junk. Or dehydrated on fruit punch. So I see that this change is not just for me.
God bless and thank God for a renewed mind.

Lrlong82

Praise Report: my average daily calorie intake dropped by 600 calories for the past two weeks. WON'T HE DO IT!

slimNam2016

Well done you