All of my friends are getting bigger............
Replies
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HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I'm not sure if I should confess this, but I'm married to a sedentary vegetarian bloke who has a natural off-switch. He's one of those people who will never become anything over slightly overweight, however much cake you put in front of him. This isn't anything to do with a naturally high metabolism; it's his habits. He will only have cake after dinner, "because it wouldn't be enjoyable if you ate it all the time" and he always just stops after one slice because "he's full".
Any way, the upshot of all this is that since I raised my activity level to be two levels higher than his, and shrank my portion sizes to about his, I don't put on weight. Don't lose either, but I don't gain.
So that's what you need to do. Find a sedentary man with a small appetite, and exercise more than him.
Grrr... My man has a huge appetite, exercises like a pro-player, is almost a foot taller than me AND is younger! (BMI 21.6) Should I trade him in?
On the plus size he does encourage me to exercise more. I already did before I met him but he does encourage me to push harder and try new things. Rare times I cook for both of us, it will be my usual food, but he'll eat 3x as much + extras and side items for him.
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I don't owe anyone "thin" or "fit" or "pretty". I am my own human being and if I get married and gain weight then I don't "owe" it to my spouse to lose that weight. If he doesn't like it and it becomes a deal-breaker for him, then that is that - he is also his own human being and gets to determine the terms of his own life. If we have a discussion and I decide to lose weight, I'd do it for my own goddamned self, not because he wants me to.
I freakin hate the term "let herself go", like she *kitten* owed anyone anything. Because we are only talking about looks, here. And women (and men!) do not owe anyone any kind of aesthetic.
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WinoGelato wrote: »Let's see...
OP writes humble brag/judgy post about overweight friends that she thinks is OK because internet anonymity...
People chime in to offer counterpoints with reasons why said overweight friends might be struggling, might not be ready to lose the weight, etc...
A couple posters eager for any chance to Fat shame those who are overweight and struggling join in because clearly these friends are lazy and just don't give a baby sloth about their health and there should be no excuses for getting fat...
Sounds about right, did I miss anything?
Picture of said baby sloth
I actually did not find the OP to be a humble brag. I personally find it very disconcerting to see someone's appearance change dramatically from one visit to the next.
I remember when I was a kid in the 70s being really freaked out when my cousin and a family friend got rid of their hippy hair. Now, with a hair cut there is no moral judgment.
Sure, the OP's "Do they not care?" may have come across to some as being judgy, but that was preceded by "What is going on?" and followed by her friends calling her psycho when she said MFP had worked for her. So I saw it as a genuine, "What's up with this thing going on with my friends?" question.5 -
MommaGem2017 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
I just don't think it's even that intentional. I was at my lowest weight ever when I met my husband. Living alone, I didn't want to bother cooking extensive meals for myself, so I would eat a bowl of cereal, soup, frozen meal, and then go to yoga all night. After I moved in with my (soon-to-be) husband, I actually wanted to cook nice meals for this person I loved. A lazy bowl of cereal turned into yummy lasagnas with wine, and other delicious foods. Both my husband and I were eating richer, more calorie dense foods than normal and we both gained a few pounds.
"(taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course)"
But this is really the key of it all - just LIFE. After our wedding I had two babies and two knee injuries. Tired from back-to-back babies and no longer able to perform the exercise I preferred.... well, now I'm here on MFP trying to lose weight.
Did I intentionally "let myself go"? No, but life happens.
Yes, I have a very different cooking style when I'm single. Food is simpler and less caloric.
And I'm also more active. I didn't even have cable (or netflix or hulu) last few times I was single. Now, I spend a lot of time watching TV with my OH, but a lot of this is for the cuddling. Sometimes I intend to do some yoga after an hour of TV but get sucked into that cuddling vortex.0 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »MommaGem2017 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
I just don't think it's even that intentional. I was at my lowest weight ever when I met my husband. Living alone, I didn't want to bother cooking extensive meals for myself, so I would eat a bowl of cereal, soup, frozen meal, and then go to yoga all night. After I moved in with my (soon-to-be) husband, I actually wanted to cook nice meals for this person I loved. A lazy bowl of cereal turned into yummy lasagnas with wine, and other delicious foods. Both my husband and I were eating richer, more calorie dense foods than normal and we both gained a few pounds.
"(taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course)" is actually a huge part of it."
But this is really the key of it all - just LIFE. After our wedding I had two babies and two knee injuries. Tired from back-to-back babies and no longer able to perform the exercise I preferred.... well, now I'm here on MFP trying to lose weight.
Did I intentionally "let myself go"? No, but life happens.
I lived with someone in my 20s, and about 6 months into it, we both had gained a fair amount of weight. While it wasn't "intentional", the lack of pressure to stay fit was the primary cause. We didn't care to impress each other with our healthy eating habits like when we first met, there was a lot of fast food. We both skipped the gym because having a decent physique to attract the opposite sex wasn't a priority anymore. There was more laying around the house and eating comfort food While this is all evident in hindsight, I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together and I had to reverse what had happened to me.
I bet If you'd led with this you wouldn't be catching nearly as much flack.
Perhaps you are now getting the sense that "let yourself go" is primarily an insult leveled against women and will be more careful about using it in the future.
21 Signs You’ve Let Yourself Go After Having A Baby6 -
It's not your business. Worry about yourself.
People do tend to put on weight when they get into a serious relationship. Comfort levels, y'know? You don't need to put forth as much effort to attract people, so you fall into the comfort trap. Doesn't matter, though. It's their business, and their life, and if anyone decides they need to lose weight, it has to be them.2 -
kshama2001 wrote: »MommaGem2017 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
I just don't think it's even that intentional. I was at my lowest weight ever when I met my husband. Living alone, I didn't want to bother cooking extensive meals for myself, so I would eat a bowl of cereal, soup, frozen meal, and then go to yoga all night. After I moved in with my (soon-to-be) husband, I actually wanted to cook nice meals for this person I loved. A lazy bowl of cereal turned into yummy lasagnas with wine, and other delicious foods. Both my husband and I were eating richer, more calorie dense foods than normal and we both gained a few pounds.
"(taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course)"
But this is really the key of it all - just LIFE. After our wedding I had two babies and two knee injuries. Tired from back-to-back babies and no longer able to perform the exercise I preferred.... well, now I'm here on MFP trying to lose weight.
Did I intentionally "let myself go"? No, but life happens.
Yes, I have a very different cooking style when I'm single. Food is simpler and less caloric.
And I'm also more active. I didn't even have cable (or netflix or hulu) last few times I was single. Now, I spend a lot of time watching TV with my OH, but a lot of this is for the cuddling. Sometimes I intend to do some yoga after an hour of TV but get sucked into that cuddling vortex.
Ohhhhhh, the cuddle vortex is super strong!!1 -
Katiebear_81 wrote: »I don't owe anyone "thin" or "fit" or "pretty". I am my own human being and if I get married and gain weight then I don't "owe" it to my spouse to lose that weight. If he doesn't like it and it becomes a deal-breaker for him, then that is that - he is also his own human being and gets to determine the terms of his own life. If we have a discussion and I decide to lose weight, I'd do it for my own goddamned self, not because he wants me to.
I freakin hate the term "let herself go", like she *kitten* owed anyone anything. Because we are only talking about looks, here. And women (and men!) do not owe anyone any kind of aesthetic.
I think you'll love this: https://www.romper.com/p/21-signs-youve-let-yourself-go-after-having-a-baby-616845 -
@WinoGelato you are a piece of work. you need to calm down.
Telling people to "calm down"...
You like to try to pull those triggers and push those buttons don't you. You're funny. Kettle:pot, guess what color you are.
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kshama2001 wrote: »Katiebear_81 wrote: »I don't owe anyone "thin" or "fit" or "pretty". I am my own human being and if I get married and gain weight then I don't "owe" it to my spouse to lose that weight. If he doesn't like it and it becomes a deal-breaker for him, then that is that - he is also his own human being and gets to determine the terms of his own life. If we have a discussion and I decide to lose weight, I'd do it for my own goddamned self, not because he wants me to.
I freakin hate the term "let herself go", like she *kitten* owed anyone anything. Because we are only talking about looks, here. And women (and men!) do not owe anyone any kind of aesthetic.
I think you'll love this: https://www.romper.com/p/21-signs-youve-let-yourself-go-after-having-a-baby-61684
This is amazing. Lizard person!!! Hahahahahaha. So good.1 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
Or what? Grounds for divorce?
"Hey, we are locked into a marriage contract so I don't give AF if I am in shape anymore" is probably indicative of many other troubling concepts on marriage.
Yeah, because that happens all the time.
It's more often something like this.
Her: "Gosh, my pants are getting tight, I guess I need to cut back."
Him: "What are you talking about you look awesome."
Him: "Let's get pizza."
Her: "I'd rather fix something at home. I've put on a few lbs."
Him: "Don't be silly, you look great. I love the new curves."
Her: "I'm so tired from caring for the baby. Why don't you take care of dinner tonight?"
Him: Calls and orders pizza or Chinese.
Don't forget :
"I'd like to go to the gym/ do a dvd tonight can you watch the kids?"
"No. I'm tired.
We can't afford the gym.
Take them with you.
Why are you losing weight, is it someone else?"
Just telling it like it is.
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kshama2001 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »MommaGem2017 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
I just don't think it's even that intentional. I was at my lowest weight ever when I met my husband. Living alone, I didn't want to bother cooking extensive meals for myself, so I would eat a bowl of cereal, soup, frozen meal, and then go to yoga all night. After I moved in with my (soon-to-be) husband, I actually wanted to cook nice meals for this person I loved. A lazy bowl of cereal turned into yummy lasagnas with wine, and other delicious foods. Both my husband and I were eating richer, more calorie dense foods than normal and we both gained a few pounds.
"(taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course)" is actually a huge part of it."
But this is really the key of it all - just LIFE. After our wedding I had two babies and two knee injuries. Tired from back-to-back babies and no longer able to perform the exercise I preferred.... well, now I'm here on MFP trying to lose weight.
Did I intentionally "let myself go"? No, but life happens.
I lived with someone in my 20s, and about 6 months into it, we both had gained a fair amount of weight. While it wasn't "intentional", the lack of pressure to stay fit was the primary cause. We didn't care to impress each other with our healthy eating habits like when we first met, there was a lot of fast food. We both skipped the gym because having a decent physique to attract the opposite sex wasn't a priority anymore. There was more laying around the house and eating comfort food While this is all evident in hindsight, I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together and I had to reverse what had happened to me.
I bet If you'd led with this you wouldn't be catching nearly as much flack.
Perhaps you are now getting the sense that "let yourself go" is primarily an insult leveled against women and will be more careful about using it in the future.
21 Signs You’ve Let Yourself Go After Having A Baby
I specifically excluded having babies from the "letting yourself go" narrative multiple times, it is all in the record above if people keep bringing it back to baby weight, that is shedding light on their own viewpoint, not mine.4 -
kshama2001 wrote: »Katiebear_81 wrote: »I don't owe anyone "thin" or "fit" or "pretty". I am my own human being and if I get married and gain weight then I don't "owe" it to my spouse to lose that weight. If he doesn't like it and it becomes a deal-breaker for him, then that is that - he is also his own human being and gets to determine the terms of his own life. If we have a discussion and I decide to lose weight, I'd do it for my own goddamned self, not because he wants me to.
I freakin hate the term "let herself go", like she *kitten* owed anyone anything. Because we are only talking about looks, here. And women (and men!) do not owe anyone any kind of aesthetic.
I think you'll love this: https://www.romper.com/p/21-signs-youve-let-yourself-go-after-having-a-baby-61684
this is amazing.The one exception would be if you were trying to impress a man by eating cake and saying something like, "OMG I am such a fatty, right? I mean, I love cake and I eat it all the time and I don't gain weight! How funny is that, huh? I'm not like those other girls. They're so b*tchy and they all eat bunny food. Ha! I love my burgers!"
In that moment you were prioritizing performative misogyny for male approval over watching what you eat. I'll give you a pass. After all, part of not letting yourself go is maintaining a focus on male approval.4 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.5 -
Katiebear_81 wrote: »I don't owe anyone "thin" or "fit" or "pretty". I am my own human being and if I get married and gain weight then I don't "owe" it to my spouse to lose that weight. If he doesn't like it and it becomes a deal-breaker for him, then that is that - he is also his own human being and gets to determine the terms of his own life. If we have a discussion and I decide to lose weight, I'd do it for my own goddamned self, not because he wants me to.
I freakin hate the term "let herself go", like she *kitten* owed anyone anything. Because we are only talking about looks, here. And women (and men!) do not owe anyone any kind of aesthetic.
I'm in love with you5 -
kshama2001 wrote: »Katiebear_81 wrote: »I don't owe anyone "thin" or "fit" or "pretty". I am my own human being and if I get married and gain weight then I don't "owe" it to my spouse to lose that weight. If he doesn't like it and it becomes a deal-breaker for him, then that is that - he is also his own human being and gets to determine the terms of his own life. If we have a discussion and I decide to lose weight, I'd do it for my own goddamned self, not because he wants me to.
I freakin hate the term "let herself go", like she *kitten* owed anyone anything. Because we are only talking about looks, here. And women (and men!) do not owe anyone any kind of aesthetic.
I think you'll love this: https://www.romper.com/p/21-signs-youve-let-yourself-go-after-having-a-baby-61684
Thanks for sharing that; I loved it!
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It's not your business. Worry about yourself.
People do tend to put on weight when they get into a serious relationship. Comfort levels, y'know? You don't need to put forth as much effort to attract people, so you fall into the comfort trap. Doesn't matter, though. It's their business, and their life, and if anyone decides they need to lose weight, it has to be them.
So it makes sense to be in shape to find a fling on a Friday night but not to be in shape for your soulmate?8 -
Packerjohn wrote: »It's not your business. Worry about yourself.
People do tend to put on weight when they get into a serious relationship. Comfort levels, y'know? You don't need to put forth as much effort to attract people, so you fall into the comfort trap. Doesn't matter, though. It's their business, and their life, and if anyone decides they need to lose weight, it has to be them.
So it makes sense to be in shape to find a fling on a Friday night but not to be in shape for your soulmate?
Who said "soulmate"? We're talking about marriage here.8 -
HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This isn't totally true. I've been dating the same guy for a year and lost 15 lbs. We got each other Fitbits for Valentine's. In retrospect, it's the complete opposite of the stereotypical V-day gifts. lol Keep in mind, my boyfriend is obese while I'm considered a "normal" weight.
Anyway, this statement isn't completely true but I can see where comfort factors in. If it wasn't for my boyfriend's mom, I wouldn't have the determination I have now. We're both super health conscious while he's the complete opposite.
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Thank you all for the most entertaining/most ridiculous assumptions on MFP I've ever encountered.
I was not intending to be being judgy or "humble brag" at all.
It was a question... when people I know are complaining about their weight 24/7 but roll their eyes when I tell them what I do along the lines of counting calories and exercising (BECAUSE THEY ASK), it is annoying. Sorry but it is.
also, to the few #trolls who have stalked my previous discussions posted to MFP, if you must know, I was married over a year ago and had the ceremony in March of this year. Yes, I gained a few pounds in the last year but recognized and took care of it before it became a problem.
There. Now the OP has commented... KEEP AT IT PEOPLE!
Still thankful we aren't real life friends
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