Overbearing mother causing obesity
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I understand.
You need to cut off contact with her for now and get yourself into therapy.
She is not going to change. You have to change her power over you.
:drinker: TOXIC relationship! Just because you share genes, doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with an abusive person. I believe that you should surround yourself with positive, supportive people and avoid miserable people who bring you down.
My husband cut his mother off several years ago. He has never regretted it. It's kind of amazing to me how relieved he was to finally do it. It's not something I would do, because my mom is cool, but it was the right choice for my husband. Every person is different though, and not everyone can bring themselves to sever ties with a parent, so before you make any big decisions, you might want to consult a therapist to discuss your options for dealing (or not dealing) with her. Good luck!
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Wow do we have the same mom? Because that explains mine 100%. The only thing you can do is ignore her... and its a sad reality but its either that or be severely depressed to the point of suicide.0
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lol she sounds so much like my mom. Except I think my mom is the greatest in the world. Still can't get her to sit down and talk to me though.
probably goes along the lines of what the OP said:I'd like to hear the mother's side of things. Probably very interesting...
I love her, I try to help her, make her eat healthy things like vegetables, I try to do the dishes and help her get rid of garbage and get her help when she needs it. And she gets mad.
You know, without all the pages of hate talk. I remember being young. My pages of rants could be summed up by my mom in a sentence lol.
She comes to my place with a huge teenage girl *****y attitude. she goes around my house arranging my furniture and things as SHE SEEMS FIT. she does my dishes, takes me garbage away, then makes an excuse to leave. she wants NOTHING to do with spending quality time with me. This is why i hate it when she makes my dishes. I want to spend time with her, sit down with a coffee but she acts like a maid i paid to clean my house!!! Its not love when you refuse to spend 5 minutes of your time to talk with your child. she makes me feel like im a dirty unclean person.
You know if you went in and helped her with the dishes you could talk to her and spend quality time. You don't have to be sitting down drinking coffee to spend time together. My Mum comes to my house and cleans too. I help her, and sometimes I distract her with a two person chore that needs doing, and in the process of doing that chore we talk and spend time together.0 -
I have family members that sound very similar to your mom, so I can feel your pain. Trust me I know it is like being on a crazy train and not knowing how to get off. You are stuck in this place and you are sick and tired. There is a book called "Codependency no more", I think the author is Melody Beattie. I think codependent relationships were first recognized in the partners of alcoholics, but anyone with compulsive behaviors can be in a codependent relationship. Check it out from the library or buy an inexpensive copy on amazon. I think it would be eye opening for you. Seriously, almost life changing.0
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- Get therapy. Check out church groups or sliding scale groups. Try different counselors. We are all human and sometimes we may not connect right away with a particular counselor, so try a few different ones until you find one you feel you can connect with.
*** I will.
- Check out some great books that have helped others! There are books available online through sites such as Amazon, or even for free at your library. The topics include Setting Boundaries and Co-Dependency and Narcissism.
** I will.
- Set boundaries. Treat your mother like a parent treats a child: Set a rule. Set a consequence if such rule isn't followed. Follow through with set rule.
Example: Mom calls at work for non-emergency.
Rule: Tell mom that you cannot take personal calls at work and doing so will jeopardize your job. Do not call you at
work unless it's emergency.
Consequence: You will hang up on mom if she calls at work for a non-emergency related issue. You will return call
after work hours.
*** SHE DOESNT LISTEN. IVE BEEN SETTING BOUNDARIES FOR YEARS AND SHE DOESNT GIVE A *kitten*
- Lock your doors. Do not allow her in unless you have invited her over. If she throws a fit outside your door, sneak out the back, turn on TV, put headphones on. Locking doors does not mean living like a hermit. I lock ours all the time out of habit whether or not we are home. I lock them when I am outside in the garden. I lock them when I am outside playing with my kids. I lock them when I am walking the dogs. I keep a key in my pocket so I don't have to carry my whole set of keys with me all the time. Or, I toss it on a string around my neck if I don't happen to have pockets.
*** I dont lock my back door when im bbqing or gardening because i walk in and out of the house often and i dont want to unlock the door everytime because this is my house and im free to come in and out of my house without locking everything. Ive been nice so far, but if she comes in again without calling first, im physically removing her from my house and calling the damn cops if she wont leave my damn property.
- If mom enters, encourage her outside. "Such a great day for a walk! Let's check out the neighborhood!" "I really need to stretch my legs. Let's get outside for some fresh air!" "would you like to splurge and try the bakery down the road for a coffee and pastry?" Get her out of the house.
*** When i didnt invite her, i dotn want to spend time with her inside or outside or at the pastry shop. she needs to learn i have a life and she cant barge in whenever she feels like it. im not her property, im a person.
- Change your phone number. Contact your cell phone carrier and ask how you can block numbers. I KNOW this can be done as we have done this on our stepdaughter's phone. Do you have a phone that will allow you to set a different ring/notification for individuals? If so, set a silent alert for your mother. That way, as she blows up your phone with texts/calls, it doesn't bother you and make you crazy listening to the noise of it going off every 10 minutes.
If i change my phone number, ill have to call 15 different people about my phone change. I just block her calls.
- set boundaries (again, I know)...Mom, I work rotating shifts. This week, I work the following: (tell her shift). Therefore, please do not contact me between the hours of X-X. If you do, and it is not an emergency, I will hang up and will not answer further calls/texts from you between those hours. My sleep and health are important to me and I need this time to rest. When/if she does not follow your request, then follow the rule you set in place. Hang up. Do not respond to texts. After the time YOU set forth, then you can choose to respond or take her calls.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN OR GIVE A **** ABOUT MY BOUNDARIES. SHE DOES NOT RESPECT ME. I COULD YELL AT HER FACE TO F-OFF AND SHELL LAUGH IN MY FACE AND WONT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. SHE DOESNT UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN YOU ARE WORKING ALL NIGHT YOU STILL HAVE TO SLEEP 8 HOURS DURING THE DAY. SHE THINKS I SHOULD WAKE UP IN THE MORNING LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE EVEN IF I WORKED ALL NIGHT. WE,RE NOT TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE SMART THAT HAS COMON SENSE HERE. I MADE A CALENDAR WITH MY HOURS OF WORK ON IT AND SHE STILL IS TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN I WORK MIDNIGHT TO 7 THAT I WILL SLEEP 8 HOURS AFTER 7AM. DUMB DUMB DUMB.
When out with your family, have you every considered the possibility that she may have alienated them, too, the same way she has done you? Perhaps their coping mechanism in situations such as her harping on you to eat your vegetables is to simply tune her out and ignore it. Also, we teach others how to treat us. If you don't stand up for yourself, why do you think your family will?
*** i STOOD UP FOR MYSELF ALL THE TIME. mY FAMILLY IS A BUNCH OF HYPOCRITS ACTING LIKE SNOTTY RICH PEOPLE BUT WITHOUT THE BIG MONEY. THEY THINK THE WORLD OWES THEM EVERYTHING. HER X BF THREW ME DOWN THE STAIRS AND NONE OF MY FAMILLY STOOD UP FOR ME, NO ONE SAID **** NOT EVEN WHEN MY MOM CONTINUED TO DATE HIM. IF THEY DIDNT SAY SQUAT WHEN I WAS PHYSICALLY ABUSED, THEY WONT SAY SQUAT WHEN MISS PRISSY GIVES ME ATTITUDE AT THE RESTAURANT.0 -
Think for a second about what kind of attitude you have right now. Perhaps if you started changing she would too.
probably goes along the lines of what the OP said:I'd like to hear the mother's side of things. Probably very interesting...
I love her, I try to help her, make her eat healthy things like vegetables, I try to do the dishes and help her get rid of garbage and get her help when she needs it. And she gets mad.
You know, without all the pages of hate talk. I remember being young. My pages of rants could be summed up by my mom in a sentence lol.
She comes to my place with a huge teenage girl *****y attitude. she goes around my house arranging my furniture and things as SHE SEEMS FIT. she does my dishes, takes me garbage away, then makes an excuse to leave. she wants NOTHING to do with spending quality time with me. This is why i hate it when she makes my dishes. I want to spend time with her, sit down with a coffee but she acts like a maid i paid to clean my house!!! Its not love when you refuse to spend 5 minutes of your time to talk with your child. she makes me feel like im a dirty unclean person.
Im the oldest in my familly. You think i like my mother at the restaurant telling me at 29 years old to eat my vegetables and keep repeating it in front of everyone as a form of manipulation to make me do what she wants me to do? My younger cousins all laugh at me. The yougest is 19, his mom doesnt treat him like a baby who cant eat damn vegatables! THIS IS EMBARRASSING!0 -
Your mom sounds like a classic narcissist. Get yourself some therapy and some distance.0
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Yup, sounds like a pretty normal mom to me. Many of my friends and myself have dealt with the same problem. Your attitude is very different then all of them. I can understand being overwhelmed and feeling trapped and everything else, but calm your tits, she loves you, and she's herself, and doing her thing, you have no idea what's happened in her past that makes her this way, that's no need to call her horrible things and blame her for every single problem you've mentioned so far. The way I see it all of these obesity and anger problems are your own ill doing, not anybody elses like you keep stating. I've seen people with terrible lives who are beautiful people, even while they're in the tuff spots. I know someone whose in a similar but much worse story then you that really isn't any business of mine to share, but I guarantee you, he does not have the same problems you do, so you can't really claim wolf here.I think your mother sounds rather normal and you are the one with anger issues. Maybe she does your dishes not because she thinks you are unclean but she just might be the type of person that can't sit still for long.
Okay...
She comes inside my home, sits down two minutes and says with a snotty tone: " Im not gonna sit here all day. I have to move. If you wont let me do the dishes, im going to leave. Im not sitting here doing nothing all day!". I tell her she can leave if she doesnt want to stay. So she does my dishes without asking me as if the place belongs to her.
SHE was the one bugging me for weeks to come to my house to see me - now that she's here, she wants to f-off because sitting down 5 minutes to talk with her daughter is too unbearable!. is that normal to you? if she didnt want to sit and talk, then leave me alone and go rollerblade outside! My appartment is small what kinds of "moving" was she expecting to do??
i have anger issues because each time my mom comes to my place she doesnt want to sit and talk and rather touch my stuff and f-off when shes done rearranging my stuff around? ****ing right i have anger issues! would you like a stranger to come to your house and move your stuff around as they please and f-off?
- comes in the door
- sits down for 2 minutes
- complains she doesnt want to sit down
- does my dishes
- tries to re arrange my place as she sees fit but gives me attitude when i dotn let her
- makes excuse to f-off because she cant have her way
this is NOT a mother-daughter time.
sounds like i paid a maid to clean my house and f-off when shes done!!!!
I know when these situations pop up it seems like nobody understands, but you'd be surprise how well some of these people understand. Some of them have been through the same thing or worse.0 -
I COULD YELL AT HER FACE TO F-OFF AND SHELL LAUGH IN MY FACE AND WONT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
Yelling in your Mum's face isn't exactly mature behaviour.
I wouldn't take you seriously either.0 -
Does anyone here find it frustrating that a mother refuses to sit down to talk mother-daughter and actually finds sitting down two minutes is a chore but rather do her dishes and leave when she's done?
She sits down for her boyfriend to talk...
She sits down for strangers to talk...
But not for her daughter.
She thinks im boring?
She complains i dont call her often enough and when i do i have nothing to talk about,.
When its time to talk, she rather turn her back at me, do my dishes and leave!
wtf?0 -
She doesn't listen because she knows you won't follow through. She does it because you let her. As plenty of people have told you there needs to be clear consequences for her actions. She does what she does because that's what she has always done.
People change only when there is pressure (either internal or external) to do so. Why would she change if you haven't given her the motivation to do so. People have given you fantastic ideas and tools to achieve this.0 -
I COULD YELL AT HER FACE TO F-OFF AND SHELL LAUGH IN MY FACE AND WONT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
Yelling in your Mum's face isn't exactly mature behaviour.
I wouldn't take you seriously either.
Treating your 29 year old daughter as a 3 year old child as if she's mentally and physically handicapped cant survive without her constant attention and disrespects her constantly and chooses her boyfriends over her daughter when they abuse her daughter and beg her daughter for money to buy crap at ikea when she capable to work to buy thos ethings ISNT MATURE EITHER.0 -
Does anyone here find it frustrating that a mother refuses to sit down to talk mother-daughter and actually finds sitting down two minutes is a chore but rather do her dishes and leave when she's done?
She sits down for her boyfriend to talk...
She sits down for strangers to talk...
But not for her daughter.
She thinks im boring?
She complains i dont call her often enough and when i do i have nothing to talk about,.
When its time to talk, she rather turn her back at me, do my dishes and leave!
wtf?
She is mother and probably thinks she is being 'motherly'. Someone else gave a fantastic idea, if she wants to wash up why don't you go out with her and dry and keep the conversation going that way. You can spend time with her without sitting. TBH I hate sitting and never really 'sit' with anyone...
ETA - the more you talk about this the more I see that therapy is the only viable option. YOu need to deal with the past, present and future0 -
I COULD YELL AT HER FACE TO F-OFF AND SHELL LAUGH IN MY FACE AND WONT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
Yelling in your Mum's face isn't exactly mature behaviour.
I wouldn't take you seriously either.
Treating your 29 year old daughter as a 3 year old child as if she's mentally and physically handicapped cant survive without her constant attention and disrespects her constantly and chooses her boyfriends over her daughter when they abuse her daughter and beg her daughter for money to buy crap at ikea when she capable to work to buy thos ethings ISNT MATURE EITHER.
So what would you like to change?0 -
I feel like I'm talking to my teenage daughter here... (she don't listen either).
If your mom won't play by your rules, then you either 1) deal with it and quit *****ing 2) find new and improved ways to set those boundaries she's ignoring (ie: counseling, books, support group).... or 3) walk away and mean it.
YELLING AND SCREAMING (here or at your mom) doesn't display confidence or maturity, nor does it command respect from others.
You've got pages of good advice, book suggestions, and compassionate responses. All you've done is spit at anyone that doesn't say exactly what you wanted to hear and retaliate. I'm going to take a wild guess your mother isn't the only one with a one track mind.
Good luck.0 -
She doesn't listen because she knows you won't follow through. She does it because you let her. As plenty of people have told you there needs to be clear consequences for her actions. She does what she does because that's what she has always done.
People change only when there is pressure (either internal or external) to do so. Why would she change if you haven't given her the motivation to do so. People have given you fantastic ideas and tools to achieve this.
I did.
When she does this, i cut off contact for a month.
But, she doesnt take me seriously.
She texts me a few days later (thinks i was mad and needed days to cool down)
But when she sees im not replying....
She freaks out and calls at work, bothers my boss and embarrasses me.
Or, shows up at my house banging on the door like a crazy woman as if im in danger of dying causing a rukus embarrassing me in front of my neighbours...
she's like a chihuahua with seperation anxiety.
this is very hard to deal with.
Of course i can ignore her calls and texts
Of course i can say my boss to refuse calls from her (i did)
Of course i can ignore her when she bangs on my door
But all of this harrassment is causing me anxiety and stress.
I dont need this in my life!!!0 -
i scream because i have no more patience, im stressed, frustrated, and she doesnt listen or take me seriously.0
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Then obviously you need to do it for longer than a month....doing it once doesn't mean your mother will be 'fixed'. It's like disciplining a dog or child, you need to be consistent and ALWAYS follow through0
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You are almost 30 years old.
Everything in life comes down to decisions. You have decided to let her treat you this way. If you don't need this stress in your life, TELL her what she's doing to you and tell her that you need your space. If she doesn't respect your space, tell her you will get the authorities involved. If it's bad enough, you'll do it. If it isn't, you'll find peace with it.0 -
I have a problem with my mother, please help.
- Get therapy, cut her off from your life
But i love my mother, i dont want to cut her off.
- STAY MISERABLE
great help right there..... i feel so much better!
Your mother won't change the way she deals with you until you make her do so - Why? its successful for her. You let her win. Until you establish in her eyes that you are an adult and should be treated as such, she won't do so.
The first step keeping a relationship with her may be to break the one you have now totally. She has to realize that she won't win. Maybe once you establish these boundaries you can then build a new relationship on a new basis, but for now, the choice is "as is" or "none". I know that's not what you want to hear0
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