Overbearing mother causing obesity

gypsyrose64

i scream because i have no more patience, im stressed, frustrated, and she doesnt listen or take me seriously.

It took me cutting my mother off for a YEAR before she took me seriously. She relapsed into abusive behavior when I reconnected, and I cut her off AGAIN. I had a baby, went over to visit her and she tried to hit me while I was holding my newborn (was blasted drunk). I walked out the door and said "you will not see us again if you are not sober!"

You think she took me seriously at that moment?! HELL NO! Next time she wanted to visit, I made her breath on me and I smelled booze. I picked up baby and walked out. Didn't speak to her for a week.

Finally answered phone and said "you sober? if not, don't call"

It took many times of this for her to take me seriously.

Your mother may not change, or learn to treat you differently. At some point, you have to decide what's more important... her presence in your life..... or your sanity!

OK, I'm really done now.

CeeBee88

1. Cut off all contact with her.
2. Get therapy for yourself.

Just because you're biologically related to her doesn't mean you're obligated to continue in an abusive relationship.

In such a situation this is the only solution.

I had a similar relationship with my mother. She was absent for long periods of time, a compulsive liar and a victim complex. They was always a legitmate and extraordinary reason WHY something had happened and why it couldn't possibly be her fault. Therapy is not the answer so much and you may not need it, but please see that just because you are biologically related does not mean you are under any obligation to have an adult relationship with this woman.

Cut her off, change the locks, dont invite her over. Expect phone calls explaining why you are to blame and that she has done nothing wrong, but stay strong and focus on yourself. Know that what you are doing is for the best, and the self-less maternal ideal you have in your head would be telling you the exact same thing.

Also the puppy idea sounds amazing. Post pictures

FrenchCanuck

thats real good advice but after all that torment, i have no longer patience to deal with her.
Her voice is like nails on a chalk board.
as soon as she barks an order, my stress level goes from zero to 'i need to kill someone right now redzone"

i cant "set boundaries" because she doesnt respect them
i "set boundaries" before by no contact for months and she doesnt learn from it.
She always goes back to her old ways.

I cant explain to you how b!tchy her attitude is.
Soemtimes it come sout of no where.
my mother has a mental health problem
i dotn know what it is
But froma person to be joyfully sweet one minute and a real raging rude b!tch with attitude for no reason the next minute
thats not normal

im not dealing with her anymore.
i dotn want her around me.
im not setting boundaries or locking my door
she comes ot my hous ei call the cops

i dotn need this in my life.
she needs therapy - NOT ME!

rainbowbow

thats real good advice but after all that torment, i have no longer patience to deal with her.
Her voice is like nails on a chalk board.
as soon as she barks an order, my stress level goes from zero to 'i need to kill someone right now redzone"

i cant "set boundaries" because she doesnt respect them
i "set boundaries" before by no contact for months and she doesnt learn from it.
She always goes back to her old ways.

I cant explain to you how b!tchy her attitude is.
Soemtimes it come sout of no where.
my mother has a mental health problem
i dotn know what it is
But froma person to be joyfully sweet one minute and a real raging rude b!tch with attitude for no reason the next minute
thats not normal

im not dealing with her anymore.
i dotn want her around me.
im not setting boundaries or locking my door
she comes ot my hous ei call the cops

i dotn need this in my life.
she needs therapy - NOT ME!

No. You definitely still need therapy. First world problems galore.

FrenchCanuck

Her boyfriend once pushed me down the stairs.
I could of broke my spine and become handicapped or paralysed my whole life
I called the cops that night
He was yelling like he wanted to kill me.

She said she still wnated to stay.
she didnt want anyone to know
she didnt want me to say anything
i told a school concellor
a school social worker came to my house and i moved away
she freaked
after a while, i thought she changed
at my appartment, she did the same thing
b!tchzilla bossy attitude each time she came to my house
even makign a scene at my grocery store
i left her in the aisle alone to scream at herself
no f-ing way!

We never talked about it.
each time i want to talk about it, she says "its past now"
i never got to talk about it so i still have an open wound
but she always refuses to talk about it
its easy to put it under the carpet when you werent the victim!


I learned recently that around that time she accepted his ring for engagement.
she never told me.
when i found out 15 years later,
she started lying like oh yea i told you it was around 15 years ago
then she changes her story saying she doesnt remember
she was afraid of my reaction when i knew she accepted his ring at the same time she shoved me down the stairs...


theres a lot of wounds she created
this is why i have no patience with her a scream
i dont respect her
she doesnt care about me if she did that

nz_deevaa

im not dealing with her anymore.
i dotn want her around me.
im not setting boundaries or locking my door
she comes ot my hous ei call the cops

i dotn need this in my life.
she needs therapy - NOT ME!

That's called setting boundaries (and following through).

I would still recommend that you get therapy.

FlaxMilk

i dotn need this in my life.
she needs therapy - NOT ME!

Therapy isn't just for people who are mentally ill. Therapy is also for people who want support or are suffering or who would like to learn new ways of dealing with difficult people/situations. You can't make her go to therapy, and she isn't here asking for help, so that's why people are focusing on what you can do. If she were here, describing herself as you do, I'm sure people would tell her to go to therapy.

You mentioned wanting individualized support. If I had read this earlier, I would have told you to leave this thread and don't look back. A forum of people who don't know you personally will almost certainly not be the right people to talk to about something that has you so raw and sensitive. A good therapist, regardless of her own life history, will tailor her support and feedback to what you can take and what you can't.

You described a push-pull pattern in a recent post. You cut off contact for a month, she freaks and harasses you. She freaks and harasses you, you cut off contact. She freaks and harasses you. In relationships, often the more one person pulls away, the more the other pushes for more, and vice versa. If someone is being too pushy, the more the other draws away. Go on the offensive--contact her more often. Text her, call her, ask her about herself. She may find herself reassured about your relationship or wanting a little breathing room of her own.

Please know that people suggesting counseling are not blaming you, just hoping for support for you. I know you said you can't afford it, so hopefully you find some options that are workable. I'd look at the library for self-help books if there are no affordable options involving individualized support.

tehboxingkitteh

Sounds like my mom.

Best thing I ever did? Cut her out of my life, got professional help, and became selfish and only worried about me. I've never been happier.

Side note, finding a male therapist helped me. Might help you with more because of your issues with women.

you dotn miss her?
you feel happier?

Not one bit. She was (and still is) a horrible person.

I never felt happiness before. I'm happy now.

Mine continues to try to push her way back into my life. I refuse to let her back in. I know she'll only cause me more pain, anxiety, anger, sadness, etc. I changed phone numbers. Moved. Switched jobs. All she has is a P.O. Box address for me that she sends hate mail to. I never looked back.

She had over 30 years to change her ways and how she treated me with multiple warnings from me about being gone. She figured it was an empty threat. I was dead serious.

If I ever had to go back and do it all over, I would've made that decision at 17 when I moved out.

foleyshirley

Her boyfriend once pushed me down the stairs.
I could of broke my spine and become handicapped or paralysed my whole life
I called the cops that night
He was yelling like he wanted to kill me.

She said she still wnated to stay.
she didnt want anyone to know
she didnt want me to say anything
i told a school concellor
a school social worker came to my house and i moved away
she freaked
after a while, i thought she changed
at my appartment, she did the same thing
b!tchzilla bossy attitude each time she came to my house
even makign a scene at my grocery store
i left her in the aisle alone to scream at herself
no f-ing way!

We never talked about it.
each time i want to talk about it, she says "its past now"
i never got to talk about it so i still have an open wound
but she always refuses to talk about it
its easy to put it under the carpet when you werent the victim!


I learned recently that around that time she accepted his ring for engagement.
she never told me.
when i found out 15 years later,
she started lying like oh yea i told you it was around 15 years ago
then she changes her story saying she doesnt remember
she was afraid of my reaction when i knew she accepted his ring at the same time she shoved me down the stairs...


theres a lot of wounds she created
this is why i have no patience with her a scream
i dont respect her
she doesnt care about me if she did that

It's not helping you to keep reliving this. We might feel sorry for you, but that does you no good. The past is the past. You need therapy to help you deal with it; not this.

You say you have set boundaries. But if she continues to do this, they are not real boundaries. Lock your door. Change your number, no matter how much a pain it is.

You are an adult now. This is on you. You can't keep blaming others. Sorry, but that is the truth.

MyOwnSunshine

I hope you've gotten pages of compassionate, sound advice. I didn't read everything, but I read enough.

Move far away.

Get counseling so you can live a positive, healthy life and create a loving, stable family of your own in the future.

smantha32

Honestly I would go far far away from her and don't tell her where you go.

I know it's your mom, but she seems very narcissistic. You'll probably never have the relationship with her you would like. I don't think she's capable of it.

eylia

Maybe you don't want it to change, you don't seem to want anyone's advice (most of which has been pretty much on point). She isn't causing your obesity, but maybe it's easier to have her around to blame for it. Complaining to a forum of strangers isn't a sign of maturity, nor is it going to fix anything. Especially not if you don't want to hear the truth at all. Read through your own posts and see if you think your own reactions are any better than what she's doing. Mum's do dishes, they nag, some call too often, they do laundry, they can be nosy, overbearing. If it's honestly destructive, cease the relationship. But otherwise, be an adult and deal with it like one. Screaming that you are doesn't make it so, neither do birthdays.

FrenchCanuck

im sorry but the fact of hearing i cant have a mother anymore scares me

sorry for annoying you all and bothering you and wasting your time

ill shut up now

SnazzIT

Hi there,

I am new to the site and have only just joined about a week ago. I understand totally what you are going through because my mother is more or less the same in her attitude towards me. However I am the eldest of eight children but she picks on me becasue in our culture the oldest is the one that takes the responsibilty and must uphold the family name.

I grew up literally afraid of my parents, but especially my mother, I could never talk to her without any condescending remarks or judgement. She always claimed that her being hard on me was to show me her love (which I never saw). She shows favouritsim amongst my siblings and I (me not being one of them, because unfortunately I lacked what was according to her view her beauty and grace). I was always reminded of how ugly or fat or dumb I was compared to the others.

I did weverything she wanted so that she could leave me alone. I tried to appease her out of guilt and it made me hate her sometimes. I ran away from home and married out of her blessing to get away from her control. My first marriage failed because she didn't know the boundaries of her control. I would literally go into a panic attack the moment she would call or make a visit, I would be short breathed and hands shaking all night in apprehension of her visit the next day.

I totally understand, I became so depressed and so overweight, by the time my third child was born and by then I was no longer with my first husband. My mother had some sort of hold on me and always made me feel small.

I no longer feel that, last Christmas I was able to stand up to her bullying and told her I had enough of her crap, she kicked me and my kids out so to this day although I came out shaking, I felt free for the first time in my life at the age of forty. Today I am remarried and so happy taking control of my life, I am slowly trying to lose the weight and making small changes to heal my scars from the past. I forgave my mother the moment I left her house but also made a vow that never again will I allow her to rule my life.

I hope you will one day feel the courage to stand up to her, it won't be easy but once you do you will realise that the heavy load on your shoulders will be lighter, you on;ly have room to carry your own load. Get yourself surrounded by people who will give you emotional support and who will give positive input. I have found a spiritual family and mentors who encourage me let go of people who are just going to drag you down with them. It wasn't until I finally realised that my relationship with my mother was toxic and actually negatively impacting my life that I realised that I had to let go until she is ready to listen.

I hope that helps you can add me if you want.

Best Wishes to you!

smantha32

im sorry but the fact of hearing i cant have a mother anymore scares me

sorry for annoying you all and bothering you and wasting your time

ill shut up now

I don't understand why you aren't more scared of a lifetime with the mother you do have.
Nothing anyone here can say will suddenly make your mother a nice person.

I wish you good luck though.

Gidzmo

1. Cut off all contact with her.
2. Get therapy for yourself.

Just because you're biologically related to her doesn't mean you're obligated to continue in an abusive relationship.

Change your phone number (for now). Work needs your number to contact you. Your mother does not need it, since she does not respect you.

Perhaps you can move (if possible).

dixiewhiskey

One thing I wanted to point out right off the top, she isn't causing your obesity. You are the only person that can make decisions to improve or impede your life. Just sayin

You can escape her. I have a Mom like that and I haven't talked to her in seven years. But you have to choose what you want. You can choose to continue to "be obese" or you can change that. You can continue to talk to Mom and complain somewhere else but the advice will still be the same

anemoneprose

I agree that moving will be more effective and easier than therapy.

You won't have to get a restraining order (which would be appropriate if it were anyone else), you don't have to hurt anyone's feelings, you don't have to bang your head against a wall. You'll be able to breathe easier, just live your life, see her for as short or long a time as you want. From there, all work details etc = private.

Distance will really easily solve a lot of your immediate problems with her. You'll still have other ones (worrying about her, for example), and therapy can help with "that*. (Therapy isn't necessarily about the therapist having lived through your and every possible experience. They can't. The things in the books are valuable, though -- changing your beliefs and thinking habits and emotional responses to things, there's a lot of research on how to do all that.)

Finally, it is TIME for you to develop relationships other than this one. It's likely she'll die before you will, and what then?

Nicolee_2014

Kill her :laugh:
just kidding

julzbennett

Albert Einstein said the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Her behaviour is innappropriate and abusive, and I have EVERY sympathy for the suffering that she has inflicted upon you. BUT if you let the same thing happen over an over there will be no change...and it is crazy to think otherwise.

She is happy with her behaviours, you are not happy with the effect they have on you. That means YOU have to change your behaviours and reactions. It sounds like she DOES need therapy, but YOU cannot control her, or you're just as bad as she is, so all you can do is deal with what has been handed to you...and take it upon yourself to seek support and strategies.

It makes me very sad that there are people in the world who can inflict this level of destruction upon their own children - I try and remind myself that MOST parents try and do their best, but their best isn't always right for their children. My mum worked really hard to ensure she had the money to pay for university for me and provide for the family...I think I would have rather spent more time with my mum and had a better relationship but she did what she thought was right and all I can do is learn from those mistakes and if/when I have a family make sure I don't repeat her behaviour.