Struggling 43yo Widow

pinuplove

@mgobluetx When I was in a very stressful situation earlier this year that lasted several weeks, I forgot my online banking password that I use literally every day. I also forgot my phone number. There was no remotely physical reason for it. You've been under a lot more stress, for a much longer period, so I'm not surprised you're experiencing somewhat impaired cognitive function. I'm sorry you're struggling. Your heart is broken, and it's understandable. Please don't give up on brighter days ahead. Grief like that is overwhelming and never fully goes away, but it does get better. Would your husband want you mourning yourself to death, or would he want to see you taking care of yourself?

GreenMantle

I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. I can't say that grief ever stops, but it will dull over time. That's hard to hear and hard to believe, but just know that it won't always hurt quite this bad. I can tell you I started exercising (15 minutes of moderate to vigorous cardio and 10,000 steps, nothing insane) to lose weight, and then I kept it up because I felt so much better. Physically and mentally. Maybe you can try working up to that.

I don't usually have many friends on here because it's all kind of personal, but if you want please send me a friend request! Even if you just need to talk.

stevephi01

Xerogs wrote: »

rekindle some old interest and channel your energy.

A very good point made. Until reading this post I hadn't realised that is exactly what I did.

I'm mad about motorbikes, as you can probably gather from my avatar, got my first when I was old enough to get a license.
However that stopped when I got married, the usual spousal pressure and thought I'd grown out of that phase.
Been in the UK a year and decided I'd give it a try. Thought it would be a whim and not last long, after all the weather isn't great.
11 years and 150,000+ miles later it has become the centre of my life. Just about all my friends were made through it.

I do hope you are able to find ways for your pathways to join up again. Do you have photographs prior to meeting your husband? Possibly looking at them and trying to remember may help get the process started. Maybe your friends can help fill in the blanks.

AnnPT77

mgobluetx wrote: »

Thank you to everyone who replied. I’ve had an MRI and a CAT scan and both came up negative - there’s nothing physically wrong with me. I recently learned it’s called ‘widow brain,’ basically grief-induced amnesia. It’s been explained to me as all the pathways in my brain led to my husband because he was my whole world. Now that he’s gone, those pathways are completely broken and lead to a black hole. There’s just nowhere left for those roads to go, so I keep coming up blank when I think. I’d never heard of this and most times cannot believe it happened to me. I’m seeing two different therapists...one man who also lost his spouse and another psychiatrist who specializes in grief and loss. All I want to do is be done with everything. Most days I don’t want to live anymore. Why am I even here? I don’t have children or a job or anything fulfilling in my life. My dogs would be just as happy with someone else.

I was widowed at age 43, when my husband was 45. We were also childless. Most of our friends were other couples, and most of them dropped out of my life - I think not out of unkindness, but more out of not knowing what to do with or for me. So, much of what you're saying sounds very familiar to me.

What worked for me was basically making myself go through the motions of normality as much as possible, even though I wasn't really feeling it at all. I couldn't control how I felt, but I could control what I did. Over time (long time!), that helped change how I felt, too. I did have a job, so I re-focused on just doing that, and started making myself create opportunities to stay busy and appear engaged in life, even though I was kind of floating over the surface of life on the inside. I was taking anti-anxiety drugs for physical symptoms, too.

Specific things I did wouldn't necessarily work for you, because you would want to pursue interests that you had and that were important to you before you were married, or before your husband died. For example, because I enjoyed gardening, I took a master gardener class, then did lots of related volunteering (docent in gardens, helping teach people how to grow veggies at a community garden, etc.).

My husband was the "warm and fuzzy" social secretary kind of person in our relationship, creating most of the social connections for both of us. I realized that I needed to find a way to do that for myself, because isolation would be bad and destructive for me. I was very awkward, shy and self-conscious at first, but I kept making myself try, and gradually got better at acting outgoing and friendly, and began making friends on my own. Clubs, classes, lectures, concerts, and meet-ups can be helpful. Staying busy, even if it's superficial, can be helpful. Even now - almost 20 years after being widowed - I still do many things solo, because I became comfortable with that as a way to stage distracted/engaged, even though I do have friends now and do things with them too.

Personally, I found exercise classes or clubs especially helpful: The physical activity helps dispel some of the bad biochemistry that comes with this kind of stress, and the continuity of the activities helped me engage with and get to know others. I don't know whether that would help you in a similar way, but it's one thing to consider.

Another thing I've suggested to other widows who are feeling hopeless and purposeless is to think about what your late spouse valued in life, causes that he really supported or worried about, and consider dedicating your energy to helping advance those causes through volunteerism. For example, if he was concerned about the environment, seek out organizations that work on environmental issues and volunteer there. If he liked children, consider volunteering with learn-to-read or child nutrition support programs, or something like that. The concept it to honor your late spouse by how you spend your time and energy. I'm sure he would want you to be fulfilled and happy, difficult as that may be right now. Perhaps dedicating yourself to something he valued would be a good legacy for him, and helpful to you in moving forward.

I know that none of this is easy, but the first year is the hardest, and pushing yourself through it is a good strategy IMO. Once you get the ball rolling in a more affirmative direction, it will improve faster. You can do it - you can get it started. The grieving never completely goes away, but some new things can grow up alongside it, so that grief is no longer the full focus of your life.

Sympathies and hugs!

Fursian

mgobluetx wrote: »

My 47 year old husband died unexpectedly last July and I’m still a wreck. I’m seeing two therapists, but I’ve been having terrible memory problems since he died. I lost 17lbs in one month in February, but then I stopped weighing and logging my food for some reason. We don’t have any kids and I had to move from our home, so I live alone in a new city with my two dogs and only know my sister here.

Eating is the only thing I enjoy these days, so I overdo it almost every day. I don’t have my best friend anymore and I can’t get a job because of my memory problems. It’s been almost a year and I still feel like I’m in shock. I’m not looking for sympathy, but hoping someone reads this and can offer some suggestions about how to get back on track and stay there. Part of me doesn’t even care if I’m fat. I know it will become problematic as I get older, but the depth of my grief and despair is so vast right now, I feel like just trying to keep myself and my dogs alive is all I can handle right now. But, my clothes are all too tight and it’s very uncomfortable. I just can’t seem to stay on track because the motivation just isn’t there. Thank you in advance for any advice.

Hi mgobluetx, you are still grieving, and I'm so sorry. Allow yourself to grieve. Lights will appear dim, they can be for some time. This always sound so cold, but time does heal, and some day in the future you are going to start caring about your health. We cannot do this all in one day, we take this one step at a time.

It is great that you are seeing therapists. Outside influences and different perspectives can do incredible things for us. Much strength to you and your dogs!