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The Sober Squad- Alcohol Free Living

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  • LoveyCharLoveyChar Member Posts: 2,997 Member Member Posts: 2,997 Member
    @RubyRed427

    I am an enabler, definitely! I don't support him financially. But...I only support him until the burden becomes too taxing and I know it's wrong. In our years of life together, he's said that he was going to stop smoking (not because I asked him to, because I never did)... So dozens of times I've supported him through that claim. However, it only ever lasts so long because I start coming undone. Example, one year we were out Christmas shopping with insanity everywhere, hustle and bustle of traffic, lights, shopping... He was just complaining, irritated and miserable. Knowing we'd be shopping for hours, I blurred out "You know what, you need a cigarette! Because I cannot take this..." Wrong of me? Very. Everyone has a breaking point. Sometimes I think he's happy to hit mine.

    I feel sorry for children of alcoholics, too. Husband will claim he's not one. I'd disagree. He was not always like this. This was progression triggered by a series of events, some of which are good but went to his head. Maybe I'm wrong. He's a hard worker, worked his way up from two jobs flipping burgers in his thirties through school for 6 years until he finished his Master's degree and landed a great position where he's being groomed for an even better one. He doesn't hit me, cheat, or gamble our money away...thank God.

    I wish my husband was more like his father, though. He barely ever drinks...I think in 10+ years I've seen him drink two beers. He runs Marathons, been doing that since he was young. He's God-fearing and calm. Husband is much more like his mother.
  • Elcee2020Elcee2020 Member Posts: 2,618 Member Member Posts: 2,618 Member
    RubyRed427 wrote: »
    I was talking to my sober coach (sponsor). She said a few things I could share here: This is regarding a person who does not want to quit drinking even though it is breaking the hearts and lives of those around him. She said sometimes a partner can be an enabler.

    In my cousin's wife's example, she yells, cries and makes threats but never follows through. She needs follow through- if she says to him "I'm getting a lawyer." She needs to get a lawyer. Her threats to leave him fall on deaf ears because she doesnt follow through ever. It's groundhog's day.

    Second, We cannot control the alcoholic's behavior but we can control our behavior and reaction. So we need to learn how to react and stay calm despite the chaos around us, and she highly recommends getting professional help in terms of a therapist or support group like Alanon can help us cope so we have a quality life if he doesn't want to stop drinking.

    My sponsor said the non-drinking spouse starts to mirror the alcoholic. That is very normal behavior- the spouse says and does things she would never normally do to the alcoholic (for example, throw things... because she is so hurt) You start to mirror each other.

    She said the best thing for my cousin will be when the cops arrest him for drunk driving. Then, he will have faced a consequence because right now he has had no consequences at all (just a yelling, crying wife) which isn't enough for him to make that change.



    Thankyou, in my case, this is everything that's gone before and i see it still happening, there.
    Thankfully not with me like it was but my kids that are now old enough to make their own decisions are getting sucked into the trap.
    Being on the outside now thankfully, I have the ability sometimes coax them to come away. Its gives them a break and i can care for them as much as they'll let me.
    I can understand them not wanting to leave their dad, i don't like broken families either. But when there's toxic behaviour and environment, sadly separation is necessary until healed.
    I liken this to fruit in a basket if you put a bad fruit with the good fruit they all become the same. Similar to what @RubyRed427 was saying about mirroring them. I was doing that, and i knew it. I hated it, it wasn't me. I wanted to get back to what i was before i married.
    My children are all going through the process that i went through.
    edited May 3
  • LoveyCharLoveyChar Member Posts: 2,997 Member Member Posts: 2,997 Member
    Money: I'd probably get super disgusted if I actually knew what my husband spent in one weekend on cigarettes and alcohol. He buys craft beers, pricy. Cigarettes are $7 + pack.

    Expectations: I'm glad nobody has drinking expectations of me. My parents are coming down in a month to see my daughter graduate. Never in my life have I seen my mom drink and my dad likes his beers but like George Thorogood sings "I drink alone," so does my dad plus I would feel odd drinking with him.

    Husband's mom is coming down within the next week and a half. Husband loves to get drunk with his mom. Late nights up and a box of wine and I'm happy to be in my bed. I do not have one bad word to say about my mother-in-law, not one. However I'm glad I come with no expectations. She was down last April and I was in bed by ten each night, no alcohol. No pressure, no expectations...

    Husband left for work and before walking out the door he kissed me on the cheek and said "I love you." He has alot of issues, but there are good qualities about him, too, and I Iove him.

    He's supposed to run a Marathon with his dad in less than 6 months, his first actual Marathon. He's overweight. He smokes. He can't even run one straight mile right now. I do hope he gets it together. Often he'll get it together only for one reason and then after the reason has come and gone, it's back to the old bad habits. However, we'll see... hopefully I'm wrong about this next time...
  • LoveyCharLoveyChar Member Posts: 2,997 Member Member Posts: 2,997 Member
    I hope everyone has a great day.
    edited May 3
  • JenT304JenT304 Member Posts: 850 Member Member Posts: 850 Member
    @lorrainequiche59 I was wondering where you went! I guess if you are 3 years in then you really must not think about drinking that much anymore, the way I eventually got with cigarettes when I quit smoking. I am so happy for your wonderful accomplishment. I'm sorry Ontario is locked down again....this horrible virus seems like it will never go away. Definitely keep checking in on us! We enjoy hearing from you!
  • Up_n_RunningUp_n_Running Member Posts: 242 Member Member Posts: 242 Member
    Hi @lorrainequiche59 👋 so good to hear from you again! I was wondering where you were, too. Glad to hear your doing well and it's so inspiring to hear about your journey.

    Thanks for checking back in with us 💖
  • RubyRed427RubyRed427 Member Posts: 3,217 Member Member Posts: 3,217 Member
    Hi @lorrainequiche59 Nice to hear from you!! Congrats on 3 years!! You made it through incredibly tragic times and yet you didn't drink. So proud of you!
  • RubyRed427RubyRed427 Member Posts: 3,217 Member Member Posts: 3,217 Member
    cjhuerta22 wrote: »
    Couldn't help but find this conversation. I am sober 10 years, guess if you need some advice on alcoholics or how they think, feel free too ask. But yeah, found this site cause I needed to eat better, and begin calorie counting after binge eating most of 2020. Anyways, have a good night

    When does it get better? When does it get easier to accept that I cannot drink?
    I am at 8 months sober today and feel resentful that my friends tonight all drank beautiful cocktails and i drank water.
    Congrats on 10 years!!
  • JenT304JenT304 Member Posts: 850 Member Member Posts: 850 Member
    @RubyRed427 I'd like to know the answer to that too. I resent it as well. At least when I quit smoking everyone wasn't doing it in public anymore and I got lots of pats on the back etc. With drinking people just look at me and say, "really? seltzer?"
    BUT congratulations on 8 MONTHS! That is quite an accomplishment!!
    edited May 6
  • Up_n_RunningUp_n_Running Member Posts: 242 Member Member Posts: 242 Member
    @RubyRed427 and @JenT304

    A little trick I use sometimes if my bro and partner have been drinking. Or that occasion recently when my partner drank some beer, and I had strong cravings....

    Now this does help me quite a bit!

    So I will acknowledge how I'm feeling. I then focus on the sensations in my body cos I can feel quite tense and breathing faster and I feel like I'm a bit stressed or strained. Feeling like I am missing out !!

    Then I calm myself down with breathing. I tell myself firmly "Yes. You are missing out on something!" A HANGOVER ! (Obviously being sarcastic 😉) they might be having 'fun' just now. But I know I will have the last 'laugh' with my clear well rested head. So I just focus on the positive. Although I do agree it can be hard sometimes.

    I also like playing the fast forward game I learnt of in sexy sobriety. Just remember that yeah, the first, 2nd, even 3rd glass might be 'nice'.....but will it stop there? Realistically I know it won't. Then I go and make myself a delicious coffee (maybe if really struggling, a chocolate treat). And I settle myself down and enjoy the freedom I have worked so hard for to escape the wine trap. I know that if I drank again, I would swap feeling good most of the time, for feeling crap most of the time, with big spikes now and again. But those big spikes, (when I drink) I pay for them for DAYS. And I regret them for WEEKS.

    I can then accept my fate a little easier. ☕
  • RubyRed427RubyRed427 Member Posts: 3,217 Member Member Posts: 3,217 Member
    Thank you @Up_n_Running and @JenT304 Thanks for your feedback. You are both very special to me.

    I like your tips, FooFoo! I chuckled when you said I am missing out...... A HANGOVER!
    You have helped me so much.
  • LoveyCharLoveyChar Member Posts: 2,997 Member Member Posts: 2,997 Member
    Cravings, true and crazy but honest blessing is that I don't get cravings when I have a goal because I'm too focused. I have my event in 4 weeks and 2 days from now. I'm addicted to the rush I get from it and alcohol doesn't even usually pop into my head until after and then the cravings may hit. I may have to work on setting more goals, even different ones. If I pay $95 to run a Marathon, $75 for a half, $25 for a small race then I'm still saving money in all the training months by not buying alcohol. No alcohol = more working toward goals, more races to set goals or I should try something new. It works for me. Afterwards is the rough patch of boredom where thoughts of alcohol will creep in but it's my fault for letting it happen and I own it. Maybe I'll just keep registering for races and running, less expensive than alcohol and rewarding.
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