Things people say when you lose weight
Replies
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elisa123gal wrote: »I think the takeaway from this thread.. is "don't mention someones weight loss". You just never know what will irritate a person. Then another thread will pop up on; "Why is no one is mentioning my weight loss?"
I came here to say this exact thing, LOL.5 -
I think it's about reading the room, being supportive and happy for someone else's success without being an *kitten* hat! Kinda goes for life in general, but don't make assumptions and consider your your relationship with the person before you get all up in their business! 😅
People have said things to me that came out of their own sense of self. I may be surprised, but don't get offended. That's their baggage and I have plenty of my own. Its not going to stop me because I'm not doing it for them anyway!12 -
elisa123gal wrote: »I think the takeaway from this thread.. is "don't mention someones weight loss". You just never know what will irritate a person. Then another thread will pop up on; "Why is no one is mentioning my weight loss?"
I don't get that.
There's plenty of positive posts about how ecstatic some people are if others are paying attention and give them some happy feedback about taking control of an aspect of their life that they decided to change.
I think the takeaway is two-fold. First, be kind in how you talk to others. Don't be ambiguous. Communicate in a way that they understand where you're coming from. Don't say rude things for sure; there's plenty examples of that. Second, don't take it so personally. When someone says something, the way we hear it is flavored by our past experiences and how we see ourselves. Put yourself in their place and give them some credit that maybe it's coming from a place of love and accept that they care.
Of course some things that people say are just mean. Some people are asswipes. No getting around that. Try to avoid those people. Even when you experience them, consider what awful things had to happen in their life to make them behave that way. You can even find a way to have sympathy for them.
In all our lives, it's really a healthy thing to realize it's probably not about "you." A wise person once told me, "If you actually knew how little other people thought about you, you wouldn't be worried about it at all." In that case "little" means "infrequently." Give that some thought. Accept compliments humbly. Let the other stuff roll off like water off a duck's back. Set difficult and achievable goals. Chase them down and try to succeed. If you have a failure, you're human so get back at it today. Not tomorrow. Not after new year. TODAY.17 -
The only time I have gotten UPSET as opposed to just kind of over the drawn out 'reveal' (covid, I had a lot of people I was seeing the first time over a 6 month period) is the person who told me I lost too much weight and was prettier 20 pounds heavier.
I am very sorry I am failing to be decorative enough for your purposes, and also screw off.19 -
I'm with @mtaratoot.
It's a gift we can give ourselves, to work at getting over being reactive to others' negative comments. Our unhappy reaction doesn't improve our quality of life, does it? Nothing some peer says has any reason to affect my self image, unless I choose to let it.
It's a grace we can give ourselves and others, to assume good intentions, whenever there's the slightest possibility of interpreting a remark as being well meant, if perhaps awkwardly expressed.
Intentional insults? It's a thing pathetic people do. Avoid them. If obliged to reply, I want to stay high road, because how I behave does affect my self image. Doing things for spite or revenge is still letting that negative person affect me, compromise my integrity. Not worth it.16 -
I'm with @mtaratoot.
It's a gift we can give ourselves, to work at getting over being reactive to others' negative comments. Our unhappy reaction doesn't improve our quality of life, does it? Nothing some peer says has any reason to affect my self image, unless I choose to let it.
It's a grace we can give ourselves and others, to assume good intentions, whenever there's the slightest possibility of interpreting a remark as being well meant, if perhaps awkwardly expressed.
Intentional insults? It's a thing pathetic people do. Avoid them. If obliged to reply, I want to stay high road, because how I behave does affect my self image. Doing things for spite or revenge is still letting that negative person affect me, compromise my integrity. Not worth it.
Two more things.
First, it's an honor to have you echo my suggestions. Seriously. I find your approach to so many issues and challenges are balanced and well reasoned. You are a good example for all of us.
Second, and very importantly, if you have any inkling that I am even 80% able to do what I wrote, you overestimate my ability. This is something I'm working on. It's not easy. I have been working on compassion for several years. It's starting to take, but I have a long way to travel along that road. It's very hard in the moment to step back and take a healthy approach.
I had a stalker years ago. A co-worker. It was a bad situation. They are gone now, but I see them in town from time to time. During and after the incident, I had mental challenges with dealing with the thoughts that surrounded my experience. I took advantage of our employee assistance program. The person I worked with offered some good advice that I also am still working on. "Don't let this person take up space in your head rent-free." I was mostly able, eventually, to evict them from my noggin. Still get weird vibes when I see them around. A teammate in our Ultimate league was a neighbor and thought I must be nuts because the things I mentioned had happened were kind of unrealistic. Well, my ex even thought maybe I was nuts. I began to think it myself. What was happening could NOT have been happening. Yet it was. Eventually my teammate was able to observe first hand this person's bullschidt. They told me about it. All of it was real. I still struggle to have compassion for that individual, but I also recognize that there's certainly mental illness that isn't their fault. I feel sad for them. I wish there was a cure. If there was, I would also wish for an apology. I don't do forgive and forget; I do forgive and remember. Yeah; I guess I have not totally evicted this person from my head. I'll keep working on that. And I'll keep working on being compassionate for people who I frankly despise. Wish me luck.
I guess that was three things. I can't count.15 -
I'm with @mtaratoot.
It's a gift we can give ourselves, to work at getting over being reactive to others' negative comments. Our unhappy reaction doesn't improve our quality of life, does it? Nothing some peer says has any reason to affect my self image, unless I choose to let it.
It's a grace we can give ourselves and others, to assume good intentions, whenever there's the slightest possibility of interpreting a remark as being well meant, if perhaps awkwardly expressed.
Intentional insults? It's a thing pathetic people do. Avoid them. If obliged to reply, I want to stay high road, because how I behave does affect my self image. Doing things for spite or revenge is still letting that negative person affect me, compromise my integrity. Not worth it.
Two more things.
First, it's an honor to have you echo my suggestions. Seriously. I find your approach to so many issues and challenges are balanced and well reasoned. You are a good example for all of us.
Second, and very importantly, if you have any inkling that I am even 80% able to do what I wrote, you overestimate my ability. This is something I'm working on. It's not easy. I have been working on compassion for several years. It's starting to take, but I have a long way to travel along that road. It's very hard in the moment to step back and take a healthy approach.
I had a stalker years ago. A co-worker. It was a bad situation. They are gone now, but I see them in town from time to time. During and after the incident, I had mental challenges with dealing with the thoughts that surrounded my experience. I took advantage of our employee assistance program. The person I worked with offered some good advice that I also am still working on. "Don't let this person take up space in your head rent-free." I was mostly able, eventually, to evict them from my noggin. Still get weird vibes when I see them around. A teammate in our Ultimate league was a neighbor and thought I must be nuts because the things I mentioned had happened were kind of unrealistic. Well, my ex even thought maybe I was nuts. I began to think it myself. What was happening could NOT have been happening. Yet it was. Eventually my teammate was able to observe first hand this person's bullschidt. They told me about it. All of it was real. I still struggle to have compassion for that individual, but I also recognize that there's certainly mental illness that isn't their fault. I feel sad for them. I wish there was a cure. If there was, I would also wish for an apology. I don't do forgive and forget; I do forgive and remember. Yeah; I guess I have not totally evicted this person from my head. I'll keep working on that. And I'll keep working on being compassionate for people who I frankly despise. Wish me luck.
I guess that was three things. I can't count.
Very often, what I say (or type) is a striving, a stake in the ground. Most things are a work in progress, most of the time, realistically.
Working on my own attitudes and behavior has a 99.73% better payoff in contentment than trying to change other people. Personality or behavior transplants on others are a non-starter: That's my experience.7 -
you're both awesome and inspirational and aspirational, so there.
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Although it's certainly nice to be validated by other people noticing my weight loss favourably, I've figured out that I don't need anyone's approval or validation. My 30-pound loss was only visible to most people after not seeing me after an 8-month lockdown.
My hairdresser hasn't said a word to me although she's certainly noticed. The only person who has said anything is my manicurist, who came up to me excitedly and said, "You've lost a lot of weight!" I said, "Yes, 25 pounds. [Hairdresser's name] hasn't said anything about it." (I've since lost 5 more).
My hairdresser is my friend and means well. But I think she's learned to be super cautious about commenting about weight loss because people can get so offended and take what is meant to be a compliment the wrong way.
Anyway, I know that I've lost weight, my husband knows, my scale knows, my body knows, my wardrobe knows. I don't need compliments. I'm now a healthy weight, at the mid-point of the normal BMI chart and I've never felt better.13 -
Today, someone who hasn't seen me for at least 6 months said, "Wow! Your a whole new person! I'm so happy for you!" And I got a sweater from one and she bought me a medium! Which should be perfect, right now.11
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So as I was heading out of my gym's locker room to go try some walking a couple of weeks ago, a lady passed me and told me that she lost 110 pounds, so if she could do it, I could too... about made me want to leave the gym and not even try, honestly.
I get that it was almost assuredly meant as encouragement, but she didn't know me at all and there was no context to build the comment on. I guess if nothing else I learned how not to talk to people if/when I'm successful (at least not without some sort of foundation/context to build upon).15 -
The last time I lost a lot of weight, NOBODY said anything. Not a single peep. It was really discouraging and made me question if I actually looked any better, or if it was all in my head. I started getting lax because it seemed like apparently there was no difference in my appearance anyway. I take the blame for gaining the weight back, but the fact that nobody noticed was definitely a contributing factor! Now at least I know going into it that's likely to happen (maybe people are just too afraid to make any comments, even positive ones, now) and that I can't expect compliments as fuel.
I started in January of 2020. I remember being super miffed that my pants finally fit in March of 2020, and then I had nowhere to wear them b/c of lockdowns. Unlike most people, I found weight loss easier during covid lockdowns. I had much less stress, and my two biggest stumbling blocks are a) social situations and b) getting stressed at work and picking up something I shouldn't be eating on the way home. With lockdowns, neither of those were happening, and I had nothing to do but focus on weight loss.
By June, I'd gone from a super tight/barely fitting 18 to a loose 16. Finally got out into some social situations. Nobody said anything. By the end of summer, I literally had to go buy a new wardrobe because nothing fit. I found I was a size 12-14 then. I was finally going back to work in person and assumed everyone would be complimenting how much better I looked. Nope. Literally not one single peep, from anyone in my life. Needless to say those size 12-14 pants didn't last long at all. At least I won't be surprised this time.10 -
I love it; am 67 years old and most people make me pull out my driver license to prove my age. What I do know I don't have the healthy problems most of my family have today and I am the oldest of all my brothers and sisters.10
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The best comments are about what I do at the gym and about my fashion style.
I hate everything else. I hate "you must have so much more energy", I hate "omg you look so good" (never got those comments at this weight when I was gaining), I hate "I see you lost weight, wow". I like my body, I liked it when I was at my heaviest and I'll like it when I lose more. I never had any weight-related health issues. With the exception of the pandemic and healing from a traffic accident, I've always been active and sporty. My weightloss is a side effect from exercising the way I want to be and being unable to keep up food-wise. I wouldn't mind not losing any further, but I can't eat that amount so unless my exercise goes way down this is my new reality and that's okay. I just don't want people to let me know they notice.
I get that some people need others to notice but I don't want to hear anything from anyone. There are a few comments from a few (types of) people I will tolerate but it kills my self-esteem to hear any of these and I really don't have much self-esteem to begin with.5 -
I feel you! That's totally inappropriate from a complete stranger.MelodiousMermaid wrote: »So as I was heading out of my gym's locker room to go try some walking a couple of weeks ago, a lady passed me and told me that she lost 110 pounds, so if she could do it, I could too... about made me want to leave the gym and not even try, honestly.
I get that it was almost assuredly meant as encouragement, but she didn't know me at all and there was no context to build the comment on. I guess if nothing else I learned how not to talk to people if/when I'm successful (at least not without some sort of foundation/context to build upon).
I remember the first time I went to my gym, I met a friend of a friend in the locker room before class. I don't remember the exact conversation but I made a comment about hopefully losing some weight and she informed me that I would also need to eat better. (Oh, really? I had NO idea. 🙄) I still see her all the time, and I still don't care for her.9 -
Unsolicited advice is more about the needs of the giver than the receiver. I don't need compliments to fill me UP. I don't need their judgments either. It's simply the way others experience us. I don't let judgments or compliments move me. I don't live or die by opinions about my weight or anything else.
If you enjoy the compliments, be prepared for when they stop. Others will get used to the way you look and won't notice the weight loss. They'll just see you.5 -
swimmchick87 wrote: »
By June, I'd gone from a super tight/barely fitting 18 to a loose 16. Finally got out into some social situations. Nobody said anything. By the end of summer, I literally had to go buy a new wardrobe because nothing fit. I found I was a size 12-14 then. I was finally going back to work in person and assumed everyone would be complimenting how much better I looked. Nope. Literally not one single peep, from anyone in my life. Needless to say those size 12-14 pants didn't last long at all. At least I won't be surprised this time.
I think you are right that some people are just afraid to say anything, positive or negative, about a person's weight. That may also vary based on their perception (whether it's accurate or not) about how easily offended the person they are talking to is.
I was another person who had an easier time losing during Covid, like you it was a lower stress environment. I didn't have to go out but was able to keep working and that was really nice. I also didn't have the constant offerings of tasty baked goods from well meaning colleagues.
With my massive weight loss (around 100 pounds and I'm small framed) I have had some people be very open about it and other people be very timid and apologetic about noticing. I'm very open about my loss and usually say "I might be a little different but I personally can talk all day about this, I don't mind" just so they know that their questions or comments didn't offend me. That way I also cover other folks who really hate talking about it, because I know not everybody likes to.
Ultimately you lose weight for yourself - would it help to think about how much better you feel and how you can do more things without getting tired? Maybe some internal motivation might help you maintain your losses in the absence of positive feedback from friends and coworkers. Hang in there!
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At a burger place the other day, a woman told me and my daughter she loved how "colorful" we looked, and how we weren't afraid to be ourselves (I was wearing a bright orange tshirt, and my kid a rainbow tie-dye dress.) I'm still 200+pounds. My kid is 300+. We both know she was commenting on our "courage" being visible while fat, but we didn't mind. I can sure see how someone might, though! We took it as kindly as it was meant, but wow. Not cool.
Vaguely related, I've taken to telling people when I want to hear nice things. Like making my kid look at my cheekbones (who knew I had those??) or announcing to appropriate people that they may tell me how good I look or compliment how hard I'm working at this. I like choosing when and who may say anything (though obviously I can't control random strangers.)5 -
sargemarcori wrote: »At a burger place the other day, a woman told me and my daughter she loved how "colorful" we looked, and how we weren't afraid to be ourselves (I was wearing a bright orange tshirt, and my kid a rainbow tie-dye dress.) I'm still 200+pounds. My kid is 300+. We both know she was commenting on our "courage" being visible while fat, but we didn't mind. I can sure see how someone might, though! We took it as kindly as it was meant, but wow. Not cool.
Vaguely related, I've taken to telling people when I want to hear nice things. Like making my kid look at my cheekbones (who knew I had those??) or announcing to appropriate people that they may tell me how good I look or compliment how hard I'm working at this. I like choosing when and who may say anything (though obviously I can't control random strangers.)
I have a very "colorful" friend. She wears super fun leggings and brightly colored shirts. I find her brave being fun and cheerful. She wears stuff that I would not wear. My pants are mostly black or jeans! She's normal body weight. Is it possible you were hearing something she wasn't saying? She never said the courage was about your weight. Something my colorful friend taught me and says frequently is, "always assume good intentions." I'd bet a dollar your weight had nothing to do with her comment.9
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