WHY do people CHEAT?

Options
12829303133

Replies

  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,368 Member
    Options
    Believe me, I know full and well that the idea of "truly, madly deeply in love" can be a conflated notion idealized in fiction. That was the reason I married who I did: basically, I used my rational, logical brain when telling myself that I should marry him, despite a nagging inner voice telling me that I wasn't sure I could be truly happy with him (my emotional brain?). I do believe there is a difference between loving someone and being in love, and I don't know that I was ever in love with him, and know I'm not now. I also know that real love takes works and is a choice everyday to love someone fully and isn't just about chemistry and connection with someone.

    I agree 100%. However, I do think there needs to be something not quite rational (spark? chemistry? I don't even know what to call it) that keeps one there putting in the work, motivating one to choose to love the partner during the rough patches. Because every relationship has times where it's a hard slog.

    I really hope things turn out well for you. It's a difficult decision to make, but it sounds like you've put a great deal of soul searching into it.
  • Speakeasy76
    Speakeasy76 Posts: 961 Member
    Options
    ythannah wrote: »
    Believe me, I know full and well that the idea of "truly, madly deeply in love" can be a conflated notion idealized in fiction. That was the reason I married who I did: basically, I used my rational, logical brain when telling myself that I should marry him, despite a nagging inner voice telling me that I wasn't sure I could be truly happy with him (my emotional brain?). I do believe there is a difference between loving someone and being in love, and I don't know that I was ever in love with him, and know I'm not now. I also know that real love takes works and is a choice everyday to love someone fully and isn't just about chemistry and connection with someone.

    I agree 100%. However, I do think there needs to be something not quite rational (spark? chemistry? I don't even know what to call it) that keeps one there putting in the work, motivating one to choose to love the partner during the rough patches. Because every relationship has times where it's a hard slog.

    I really hope things turn out well for you. It's a difficult decision to make, but it sounds like you've put a great deal of soul searching into it.

    Thank you, I really appreciate it. I'm really struggling right now as it's getting closer to when I can tell my husband and it's not something I haven't thought through over and and over again.
  • Speakeasy76
    Speakeasy76 Posts: 961 Member
    Options
    You haven't spent any time standing alone on your own two feet. You've not given yourself time to heal. You've given us a lorra lorra details. You've made your case. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. Tearing two families apart to find happiness after a divorce will be fleeting. It will slip right through your fingers. Starting any kind of a relationship on this shaky ground is folly. You're jumping from the frying pan into the fire. You may be fearful of being alone. Maintaining these backburner romantic feelings to carry you through the years can evaporate before the ink is dry.

    I appreciate your advice, I really do. It does seem you are giving advice in my and others' best interest. I just wanted to clarify a few things.

    The other man is divorced and has no children ( a very amicable, mature divorce several years ago). Before my husband, I didn't really have any long-lasting relationships, so did stand ony own for quite some time before him. As I already said, the one with this other guy was short lived (about a month)because of other circumstances. I don't plan on jumping into any committed relationship right away after my divorce nor plan on introducing my children to a new man untill I know that it is serious. My children will come first. I am fully aware that starting a relationship with this other man on shaky ground does not bode well, hence another reason to take things slowly.

    I am truly terrified at all of this and yes, of being alone. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I am in the panic stage right now, but know if I want to be truly happy, as well as my husband, and stop giving my kids models of an unhealthy relationship, I need to do this. I know it seems like I'm leaving because there's the possibility of another relationship on the horizon. However, I've accepted that I will be alone in one way or another after this and need to do it regardless of what may or may not happen with this other man.
  • KL1887
    KL1887 Posts: 117 Member
    Options

    Thank you, I really appreciate it. I'm really struggling right now as it's getting closer to when I can tell my husband and it's not something I haven't thought through over and and over again. [/quote]

    Maybe book yourselves in for some relationship counselling as you go through the separation, it’ll hopefully allow you both to process your feelings in a neutral area allowing for a better relationship coming out of the other side of it.
  • Hiawassee88
    Hiawassee88 Posts: 35,754 Member
    Options
    I care. I wouldn't have bothered answering you if I didn't care. The end.
  • Speakeasy76
    Speakeasy76 Posts: 961 Member
    Options
    KL1887 wrote: »
    Thank you, I really appreciate it. I'm really struggling right now as it's getting closer to when I can tell my husband and it's not something I haven't thought through over and and over again.

    Maybe book yourselves in for some relationship counselling as you go through the separation, it’ll hopefully allow you both to process your feelings in a neutral area allowing for a better relationship coming out of the other side of it. [/quote]

    Thank you, and that's a great idea. I was already planning on counseling for my kids and asking my son's counselor if she can do this or has recommendations. I hadn't really thought for all of us to help us process it together, but it makes a lot of sense. Thankful there are so many online options now.
  • PlentyofProtein00
    PlentyofProtein00 Posts: 3,668 Member
    Options
    I don’t know.
    But imo the worst part of being cheated on is the fact that that person could forget you exist while they do it.

    Or they don't forget you exist while cheating...and still choose to cheat...even worst type of infidelity
  • Finishiitnow
    Finishiitnow Posts: 896 Member
    Options
    Life changes and we do too.
  • joelo_1119
    joelo_1119 Posts: 118 Member
    Options
    As someone having been on the *kitten* end of cheating (eg “victim” if you will), much of what’s been said here is 100% spot on. Regarding unmet needs, regarding overall discontent, regarding effort. In retrospect, I have to say - “yea.. I shouldn’t have been surprised. It should’ve basically been over before it got to that point”.

    I don’t know how many people in relationships where they feel secure and fulfilled, cheat ‘on a whim’.
  • honey_honey_12
    honey_honey_12 Posts: 14,072 Member
    Options
    Because they can
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,368 Member
    Options
    Because they can

    That's what an ex of mine used to say.

    I know he at least attempted to cheat on me, don't know if he was actually successful though.
  • TwitchyMagee
    TwitchyMagee Posts: 4,579 Member
    Options
    ythannah wrote: »
    Because they can

    That's what an ex of mine used to say.

    I know he at least attempted to cheat on me, don't know if he was actually successful though.

    Man had no game
  • Corina1143
    Corina1143 Posts: 3,118 Member
    Options
    The worst of cheating COULD mean death.
  • honey_honey_12
    honey_honey_12 Posts: 14,072 Member
    Options
    Because they can

    I wish I would have posted:

    Because they’re humans
    Seems to me the detailed reasons are so complicated and different for every single person that there is no one answer.
  • clynn637
    clynn637 Posts: 11 Member
    Options
    People cheat because it's easier than actually working to make their relationship better.
  • annacosta32
    annacosta32 Posts: 10 Member
    Options
    I don’t understand why men cheat do you know how I know is I was in a relationship with my ex for 14 years he cheated on me and abuse me the *kitten* out of me. Sorry my language I don’t like talking about my past that much because it makes me really angry, I left my ex if I didn’t, I would be dead ..
  • ElMeroKeeQue
    ElMeroKeeQue Posts: 546 Member
    Options
    IMO its selfishness and/or poor examples of what love is to guide them in formative years. It’s also dependent on lifestyle choice. Monogamy isn’t for everyone so communication may be a big part of the problem too. People generally don’t communicate well as it is.
  • TwitchyMagee
    TwitchyMagee Posts: 4,579 Member
    edited March 2023
    Options
    IMO its selfishness and/or poor examples of what love is to guide them in formative years. It’s also dependent on lifestyle choice. Monogamy isn’t for everyone so communication may be a big part of the problem too. People generally don’t communicate well as it is.

    Cheating is not the same thing as non-monogamy

    It is possible to cheat in even not non-monogamous relationships

    Eta: I realized after I posted that I just stated my opinion without any softening words so it might sound like I’m angry or picking a fight. Sorry about that😂. Good vibes only