Serious/heavy/deep/real stuff

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  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,511 Member
    this isn't really chit chat, nor is it really heavy.

    I have been really struggling with self esteem issues. It's been a thing I've fought forever (it seems). In my head, I know that I am fit, strong and look pretty damn good. (not trying to be cocky). But my mind *FEELS* so differently.

    I put on weight again, not a lot, but enough to feel rolls where there werent any, to have my clothes fit tighter, so much so that I'm uncomfortable wearing them. My cellulite is on a raging party. And I sit here, at my desk, feeling horrible and hating myself. Even though, when I look in the mirror, my feelings don't match my body.

    I see guys and ladies all over this site (and the interwebs), and they are carrying extra weight and looking AHHHMAZING. If I were looking for a partner, I wouldn't expect them to hold to the body standards I am chasing. In fact, I think it's dead sexy when a guy is both strong and a bit fluffy.

    I know in my head that my body is not the problem. That my feelings about it is, and yet... it's way easier for me to log my food and change my weight than it is for me to change my mindset. I cannot seem to love myself unless those rolls are gone and I'm ripped.

    I've tried accepting the extra weight, again KNOWING that I have nothing to complain about, as normal. As desireable, as acceptable. I've tried telling myself that my worth is not tied to a sixpack, that life is more than obliterating fat. But my god, it's a battle I cannot seem to win.

    And even as I type this, I feel guilt, because I have "thin privilege". I feel guilty for feeling this way about myself because I have nothing to complain about. I *should* be happy with where I am. And yet... I'm not.

    I don't think there is a solution to this... I just needed to put it out there.
    I recognize I don't want or need a partner to look the way I do. I see others who are heavier than me and I marvel at how beautiful / handsome / sexy they are... I just cannot seem to give myself that same kind of appreciation.


    #thinkingoutloud


    p.s. this is not intended to be a humble brag, nor am I seeking compliments. (I don't tend to believe them, anyways). I'm just trying to deal with this bs in my brain that is making me MISERABLE

    I’m sorry to hear this. A while back i wanted to make a selfie thread just for sharing and celebrating human bodies in every form. Never quite figured out a way to pull it off although the mom/dad bod threads are a pretty close match to what i was hoping to accomplish so it’s probably pointless. I’ve just been so inspired lately by people who share photos of their body without fear or shame despite not looking ‘perfect’ (per society)

    I saw on an ig post once that every picture is an After pic unless you live in the past. Made me realize how infrequently I take selfies or share photos because i’m ‘not there yet’. I was going to share a picture in the selfie thread the other day but the most recent one I could find was from April, and it wasn’t a selfie.

    One time a while back a woman I greatly admire shared that she was not feeling herself at the time so she was going to share selfies every day until she got over herself. I can’t even tell you how often that comes to mind for me. There’s something therapeutic about taking an ‘as is’ photo and putting it out there without pre-judging if it’s worthy to be posted. I’d love to have a selfie thread for that purpose but I have doubts it would go the way I envision.

    Anyway, i feel ya sis ❤️

    I love seeing other people confident in their skin. I think it's beautiful and amazing. I've tried to do a few of the posed vs "normal" threads over the years, but they never really take off. As for selfies... I have really had a hard time looking at my face these days, so I tend not to take pics of it. lol
  • Eltriste73
    Eltriste73 Posts: 126 Member
    this isn't really chit chat, nor is it really heavy.

    I have been really struggling with self esteem issues. It's been a thing I've fought forever (it seems). In my head, I know that I am fit, strong and look pretty damn good. (not trying to be cocky). But my mind *FEELS* so differently.

    I put on weight again, not a lot, but enough to feel rolls where there werent any, to have my clothes fit tighter, so much so that I'm uncomfortable wearing them. My cellulite is on a raging party. And I sit here, at my desk, feeling horrible and hating myself. Even though, when I look in the mirror, my feelings don't match my body.

    I see guys and ladies all over this site (and the interwebs), and they are carrying extra weight and looking AHHHMAZING. If I were looking for a partner, I wouldn't expect them to hold to the body standards I am chasing. In fact, I think it's dead sexy when a guy is both strong and a bit fluffy.

    I know in my head that my body is not the problem. That my feelings about it is, and yet... it's way easier for me to log my food and change my weight than it is for me to change my mindset. I cannot seem to love myself unless those rolls are gone and I'm ripped.

    I've tried accepting the extra weight, again KNOWING that I have nothing to complain about, as normal. As desireable, as acceptable. I've tried telling myself that my worth is not tied to a sixpack, that life is more than obliterating fat. But my god, it's a battle I cannot seem to win.

    And even as I type this, I feel guilt, because I have "thin privilege". I feel guilty for feeling this way about myself because I have nothing to complain about. I *should* be happy with where I am. And yet... I'm not.

    I don't think there is a solution to this... I just needed to put it out there.
    I recognize I don't want or need a partner to look the way I do. I see others who are heavier than me and I marvel at how beautiful / handsome / sexy they are... I just cannot seem to give myself that same kind of appreciation.


    #thinkingoutloud


    p.s. this is not intended to be a humble brag, nor am I seeking compliments. (I don't tend to believe them, anyways). I'm just trying to deal with this bs in my brain that is making me MISERABLE

    I’m sorry to hear this. A while back i wanted to make a selfie thread just for sharing and celebrating human bodies in every form. Never quite figured out a way to pull it off although the mom/dad bod threads are a pretty close match to what i was hoping to accomplish so it’s probably pointless. I’ve just been so inspired lately by people who share photos of their body without fear or shame despite not looking ‘perfect’ (per society)

    I saw on an ig post once that every picture is an After pic unless you live in the past. Made me realize how infrequently I take selfies or share photos because i’m ‘not there yet’. I was going to share a picture in the selfie thread the other day but the most recent one I could find was from April, and it wasn’t a selfie.

    One time a while back a woman I greatly admire shared that she was not feeling herself at the time so she was going to share selfies every day until she got over herself. I can’t even tell you how often that comes to mind for me. There’s something therapeutic about taking an ‘as is’ photo and putting it out there without pre-judging if it’s worthy to be posted. I’d love to have a selfie thread for that purpose but I have doubts it would go the way I envision.

    Anyway, i feel ya sis ❤️

    I love seeing other people confident in their skin. I think it's beautiful and amazing. I've tried to do a few of the posed vs "normal" threads over the years, but they never really take off. As for selfies... I have really had a hard time looking at my face these days, so I tend not to take pics of it. lol

    Yes, we love seeing confidence in pics, but really, it is the *kitten* days that count. How do we go through them? That is the only thing that counts
  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,511 Member
    ReenieHJ wrote: »
    @KickassAmazon76
    Your description could be me. Well, except the ripped part. :/ My brain never ever tells me I'm thin enough, smart enough, pretty enough, enough enough enough. It's somehow embedded in our make-up or personality or something that has us telling ourselves we're not good enough.

    I have to tell you about this former daycare mom I had. She's such a petite person, lovely personality, beautiful in every way, a great mom, everything she did was with class and caring; one of those people I joke about wanting to be when I grow up. As much beauty(inside and out) as I saw in her, she only saw ugliness, never good enough wife/mom/friend, etc. Last time I spoke with her, she was trying hard to see herself as 'good enough'.

    You(and me and probably a lot more people than you think)need to stop the negative self-image thinking and start replacing it with positive reflections, positive things about yourself. Your voice is amazing. :) You love your children with your whole heart. On and on and on. Focus on your good qualities. (I know easier said than done).

    Sending you hugs and lotsa smiles sweet lady. <3

    Negative self talk is DEFINITELY a thing I need to work on. I know that saying about the "would you talk to your friend like this" and no- I wouldn't. I wouldn't even think about my friend like that. And yet... here we are. lol

    I test software for a living. My job is to evaluate requirements, review the software, and determine whether it's functioning according to spec. If it's not, then I identify what's wrong, what needs to be changed, and log a ticket.
    Each piece of software is different, and has different specs, so it is held to a different standard of requirements. I wouldn't have a job if I looked only at the pieces that were working... there's nothing to be fixed there. :smile:

    Sadly, the requirement spec I've got for this system I call "me" is unrealistic. I know it, but I still hold it in my hand and review the defects on a regular basis - trying to identify what is wrong and how to fix it. When there is a discrepancy, I feel the need to report it, to try and get it fixed - no matter how small. My spec is multiple volumes. The spec I use for friends / family / loved ones... it's more like a brochure. LMAO

    Anyhoo... I digress, but maybe it helps me to put out how my brain works, in the thought that I can figure out a way to re-write my own spec.


  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,511 Member
    Zoomie402 wrote: »
    I had a mini break down yesterday morning. Thankfully I was able to call my bestie who reassured me that I am not alone and that simple tasks for moms tend to get shoved aside.

    For me, it was a lack of shower.

    I work in an urgent care setting with crazy hours. I was supposed to work 10-6 Monday and Tuesday. I didn't know my schedule had been changed to 8-4 on Monday. I was just getting to the gym when I got called in. No time to shower, I go in, do my job, get home and check in with the kids. Help with homework, make supper, and promptly crash and burn on the couch until SO gets up for his 3rd shift job, where I make him coffee and lunch and crawl into bed.

    Tuesday- one of my coworkers goes to the ER and calls in. We are also dog sitting SIL's dogs because she had surgery and is recovering. One of these dogs bark/howls all.night.long. Starting at 4am. I'm half asleep, but I drag me rear out of bed, get my breakfast, lunch and snacks together, and get to work on time to open the center. I get home and I am sooo tired. My kids wanted to watch a show with me, and I fell asleep 15min in.

    Wednesday- Bark/Howl started at 2am this time. SO got kicked out of work early (yay supply chain issues), and comes crawling into bed right as I am falling back to sleep. Alarm goes off and I have the choice to sleep or shower. I choose sleep. I have to work a 12 today and Thursday. I get the kids up and out the door. I get my lunch, breakfast, snacks and supper all packed. I go to the room to tell him goodbye and he says "I thought you would've showered this morning" Needless to say he didn't duck fast enough as I verbally went to town raging about when was the last time anyone packed my lunch for me or let me get a full nights sleep, or hell even washed a load with my scrubs so I didn't have to worry about it? Or how he gets alone time when I'm at work and the kids are at school, and on and on.

    Well now I'm feeling exhausted AND filthy so thanks! I called my bestie and say "Let me ask you this.....how often do you get the LUXURY of a hot shower?" She says 2, maybe 3 times a week if she's lucky.

    I was finally able to get my hot shower last night, and was thinking why??? Why does basic care like showering so difficult? Why should I have to choose between sacrificing sleep or showering? I feel ashamed admitting this here, but I know I cannot be the only person on here feeling like it's B.S. that something like a shower is considered self care. That, and just that too exhausted to even stand anymore feeling.

    It seems like every single day of my life I am forced to choose which basic need / chore / task goes unmet. It is a matter of picking the topmost priorities and focusing on them and the rest falls. I am a single mom with two teens, so it all falls on my shoulders - which is honestly what sounds like is happening to you. It sounds like you have too many things and not enough time or energy - and I feel for you. You are NOT alone. Oftentimes showers suffer for me too... they're the easiest way to steal back 30 mins of time (when you add in before, during, after and dressing), and impacts the least amount of people.

    My only suggestion might be to look at something you are doing for others that they could do for themselves and consider letting that task go. It's hard (I struggle with this all the time), but it may be necessary to both give you the ability to have your time AND teach the others in your home that you are valuable and you contribute.

    It's sad that we take on so much and sacrifice so much without it being seen... but I know for myself - I need to use my voice more. I need to speak out for MY needs more - because I am important. If I break down, the whole house will crumble.

    YOU ARE IMPORTANT. You MATTER. If you fall, I am pretty sure your house will suffer too. I hope that today someone sees YOUR needs and jumps to filling them, like you do for so many - family and strangers alike.

    Many hugs to you. You are not alone.
  • slimgirljo15
    slimgirljo15 Posts: 269,440 Member
    Hi Everyone! I am so grateful to stumble across this thread. For those going through things, I may not have advice. But know that someone (me) wishes you the best. And that things will turn around sooner than later.

    I'm here to just vent and let go of what's consuming my thoughts. I am so lonely and just need to release some of this pain. Today, I received the official documents for my divorce. The hilarious part of all this is that at the same time last year, my SO originally requested the divorce! We spent countless hours in therapy and "trying" to reconnect to see if a divorce or restart was necessary. I put "trying" in quotes because to be honest...the ball was dropped plenty of times and who knows if there was even any love on their end left. Well after my birthday in August, I thought we reconciled and would start planning to have a baby. So many talks, visiting clinics and sharing the news with family members that we were looking to build our family soon. Well, today of 2021 that isn't happening. All of my prayers, time, and dedication to this person and their dreams are out the window. To make matters worse, I still miss my SO. I think I'm more hurt at the thought that I am losing a best friend too. The person I would talk to build me up is now dead to me. I would never fathom that dealing with a divorce would feel like planning a funeral. Split what? Who gets what? Who gets which fur baby? (We have/had a cat and a dog), visiting HR to remove SO from my 401K as beneficiary...something so small is extremely terrifying to think about. What if they ask questions, what do I say? Do I tell the truth...when I never know the future...we did back out last time. No longer seeing my ILs after losing so many family members etc., it's all making me SICK. My thoughts are on a constant loop. I am nauseous, I am confused, I am scared to be alone. There are so many emotions swirling through me. I barely focused in the gym yesterday and I love weight lifting! Found no joy, just almost an accident from not having my mind and body in sync. I think I should stop here because now it's word vomit everywhere. I typing like I'm thinking and right now, I'm irrational.

    When does this pain go away? Does the fear of being alone ever go away? How do you go on after a divorce? Any tips, insights, words of encouragement are welcome. Even if it's tough love...I'll take what I can get. Or maybe that is my problem...I keep taking what I can get? SMH the vicious cycle of heartbreak. :heartbreak::disappointed::cry:

    Biggest of hugs 🤗
    I can only say from my experience that as painful as it was at the time ( twice divorced) it turned out to be the best thing, though I couldn't see it at the time.
    Divorce is difficult emotionally even when its amicable.
    Try not to dwell on all the things you feel you are losing but think on what you'll gain. I saw it as a new start, a fresh beginning and time to focus on me and my happiness.
    Wishing you all the best 🙂
  • dawnfire72
    dawnfire72 Posts: 46 Member
    Yea so I can relate. So today I had a major plumbing issue that had to be addressed. Called dude agreed to be over in one hour. Jumped in the shower and found a lump, down on my junk. Yep freaked out a bit. Called my doc and said come on down. So relating to the above story and my current situation in life I kinda said screw it . Had to hurry the plumber which turned out to be a non issue. Then run to the doc who handled my junk this way and that. No worries he said not the big "C" word, could be a thing handled with antibiotics. Now I don't really have good health insurance and tried to get an appointment with the VA. I left a message with my group and expressed my urgency and concern using my adult voice. Still haven't heard back from them. Don't expect I will. So there's that today. Missed my morning workout as well.

    Thanks for listening.[/quote]

    Wow that sounds like a scary morning. Glad you were able to get it looked at. Hope you are able to deal with the VA and insurance in a timely fashion (I know neither one moves very fast when you need them).

    Thanks for commiserating as well, nice to know I am not alone.
  • Sofiapilla
    Sofiapilla Posts: 284 Member
    It helps (me at least) to remember that even if a person appears happy on the outside and their life and ducks all seem in order, chances are they are hiding something, not letting on how unhappy they are or otherwise not as they appear on social media or even as they appear when we meet in person.

    Over the years, I've learned that the majority of people who put on a front of happiness are just that: putting on a front. There's this weird thing (in American culture at least) where we still can't be seen as weak or vulnerable; that one must always make it appear that they are successful and happy with no ill effects to one's mental health. To not do so is seen as a weakness; to not have money or success is seen as a personal failure.. and that we (the affected) just didn't "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps" enough. No one ever acknowledges that making connections and being in the right place(s) at the right time(s) really contributes a lot more into whether or not you will get certain career opportunities.. or travel opportunities.

    I was hoping with the passing of my parents generation (Boomers) and the subsequent new generations coming up that those attitudes would diminish, but so far in my experience, they have not.

    On top of that, people still belittle my profession and see it as "a hobby", undervaluing my work to the point where I can't successfully sell anything (why would anyone want to pay several hundred dollars for a work of art.. or a hand-knit or crocheted item when they can just pop into a fast fashion storefront and buy something approximate to what I make by hand (albeit not nearly as intricate, well designed or fitted) for less than $50? Same with art: Why pay $75 to $500 for something when you can just buy knock-off wall art posters at a store for $10?

    Anyway, outside of that rant; it genuinely helps me to remember that even if a person appears happy on the outside, that may not 100% be the case inwardly. There might be a lot of things they are struggling with that remain unseen. Also, happiness is fleeting. If it were 100% a stable emotion or experience, people would become desensitized to it and require higher "hits" of dopamine releasing feel good juice to remain happy. I think it's supposed to be transient and inconsistent (and maybe even rare) so when it does happen, you value it and embrace it. Unfortunately, for people such as myself (negative childhood experience, persistent long-term clinical depression and anxiety disorders) my brain will only ever latch onto the negative experiences and reinforce them. Perhaps many of you find yourself in the same boat.

    I have to actively work to remember or reinforce any remotely positive experiences. And it's a lot of work (and years of really inconsistent therapy when I can get into an appointment or afford it, for that matter).

    :heart:

    I love when we get a peek at your stream of consciousness. You are very well-spoken, you have a way of expressing things so clearly that I just sorta flow through your posts easily, like I’m listening rather than reading. I have nothing to add but a hearty “yeah, what she said”