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Height-ism?
Replies
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I have always been this way and have tried to date shorter men and am just not attracted to them and that’s not fair to them because I believe most people want a partner who finds them attractive.
I think it's the most important part, if a woman finds bald dudes unattractive, I wouldn't want to be with her simply because there is no reciprocity in physical attraction and it would feel really *kitten*.
Likewise, if I am not attractive to a man, I keep it moving and don’t get upset. Most people want their partner to find them attractive to some degree. I’m not suggesting that attraction is all about looks because it is not but most people have some physical preferences and there is nothing wrong with that.
Also, it is ridiculous to suggest that taller women are somehow a better match or more entitled to a taller man than a shorter woman is.7 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.13 -
Yeah I must be different because while "physical attraction" is of course a thing on first impressions, once I get to know someone my attraction is based on the person, not their physical attributes. The idea that you can't build a relationship with someone, and you would never be attracted to them, because they don't have certain superficial physical characteristics, just seems bizarre to me.5
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Yeah I must be different because while "physical attraction" is of course a thing on first impressions, once I get to know someone my attraction is based on the person, not their physical attributes. The idea that you can't build a relationship with someone, and you would never be attracted to them, because they don't have certain superficial physical characteristics, just seems bizarre to me.
Yeah, agree. I don't participate in any of this these days (conscientious objector), but back in the olden days when I did, physical attributes might be material in choosing flings, but for serious relationships it's not a big, important factor in what creates true longer-term connection . . . even erotic connection in the long term, if I dare use that adjective here.6 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.
That must have been very hurtful to be met with so much hostility, and I probably would feel the same wariness in your position. But hopefully I would remember that just because those opinions were widespread in that particular family, it doesn't mean that every family of that race, or of any race, would share those feelings. I think being in a relationship -- or just being around people -- always creates the possibility of being hurt in myriad ways.3 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.
I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.4 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.
I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.
One of the multiple reasons my first marriage failed is because of my in-laws. Same race, same general background, but they hated the fact that my family didn't have much money.
If that had been the only thing, we probably wouldn't have split up but when things get challenging, it's just an extra layer of difficulty when one side of the family is rooting for the relationship to fail.6 -
janejellyroll wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.
I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.
One of the multiple reasons my first marriage failed is because of my in-laws. Same race, same general background, but they hated the fact that my family didn't have much money.
If that had been the only thing, we probably wouldn't have split up but when things get challenging, it's just an extra layer of difficulty when one side of the family is rooting for the relationship to fail.
Aww I’m sorry. It is a shame when families make things so difficult on a couple. I have heard a lot of stories from friends and coworkers about problems with in laws. Most of these couples are same race couples. I know many mixed raced couples that seem really happy. I’m sure some have problems too but I wouldn’t use that as a sole reason not to date someone.0 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.
I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.
Very true! And also what Lynn said. Mixed race relationships aren't super common here (population demographics, not social censure) so I can't really speak to the success or failure of any others. My available dating pool is predominantly same-race anyway.
By the way, congratulations on your marriage. I had no idea you had married until you mentioned it in another thread.4 -
NorthCascades wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.
It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.
Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.
I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.
After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.
I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.
Very true! And also what Lynn said. Mixed race relationships aren't super common here (population demographics, not social censure) so I can't really speak to the success or failure of any others. My available dating pool is predominantly same-race anyway.
By the way, congratulations on your marriage. I had no idea you had married until you mentioned it in another thread.
Thank you very much! ❤️3 -
Yeah I must be different because while "physical attraction" is of course a thing on first impressions, once I get to know someone my attraction is based on the person, not their physical attributes. The idea that you can't build a relationship with someone, and you would never be attracted to them, because they don't have certain superficial physical characteristics, just seems bizarre to me.
Yeah, agree. I don't participate in any of this these days (conscientious objector), but back in the olden days when I did, physical attributes might be material in choosing flings, but for serious relationships it's not a big, important factor in what creates true longer-term connection . . . even erotic connection in the long term, if I dare use that adjective here.
This exactly, for me.
I cared a lot how my casual relationship partners looked. By the time I wanted something longer term and that would stick around I did not care at all. Coming up fast on 25 years. Am I attracted to him? Well, yeah, because I love him. Objectively? Dunno because I can't be objective because I love the guy and we've been married 25 years. The bias is part of the deal - and really probably should be.9 -
i tried online for a while. i was honest but tried to make sure it was polite and in good taste. i dont see the issue in stating a deal breaker as long as your not a jerk about it.0
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I have experienced insults by women about me only being 5'8. Women do not want to be judged yet they often judge men and make comments their backs.3
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I'm barely over 5' as a female. nearly everyone is tall to me.
my husband is 5'7. to me... he's TALL. I have to climb on my counters to reach crap in my cabinets. he doesn't. that means TALL.
its all about perception.
We met online, though it was not a dating site. So, we were friends before anything else. Physically... not what I would have ever 'picked out of a catalog' for myself. Not similar to any body type I'd ever been with. About the same height. Same age. but thats about it. Long hair. Beard. Very slim build.
And absolutely perfect for me.
I have a friend who will ONLY date a very particular 'kind' of guy. They all look the same. Truly, from one to the next you can't hardly tell them apart. They all look like freaking lumberjacks. Thats her thing. okay. but not one of them has been right for her. but that is ALL she will even consider dating. if they dont look JUST LIKE THAT, down to the plaid shirt, she wont give them the time of day. And i always think, 'chickie, broaden that scope just a bit and you might actually find someone... '5 -
callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »I have a friend who will ONLY date a very particular 'kind' of guy. They all look the same. Truly, from one to the next you can't hardly tell them apart. They all look like freaking lumberjacks. Thats her thing. okay. but not one of them has been right for her. but that is ALL she will even consider dating. if they dont look JUST LIKE THAT, down to the plaid shirt, she wont give them the time of day. And i always think, 'chickie, broaden that scope just a bit and you might actually find someone... '
It's not their physical appearance that makes them "not right" for her, however. Otherwise that's akin to saying all big brawny men in plaid shirts make lousy mates, which is just plain silly. There are obviously some underlying character traits that make them incompatible.
I've always had a fairly narrow range of physical attributes that I find attractive (not THAT narrow though!) and attempts to date guys who weren't my type proved disastrous.6 -
callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »I have a friend who will ONLY date a very particular 'kind' of guy. They all look the same. Truly, from one to the next you can't hardly tell them apart. They all look like freaking lumberjacks. Thats her thing. okay. but not one of them has been right for her. but that is ALL she will even consider dating. if they dont look JUST LIKE THAT, down to the plaid shirt, she wont give them the time of day. And i always think, 'chickie, broaden that scope just a bit and you might actually find someone... '
It's not their physical appearance that makes them "not right" for her, however. Otherwise that's akin to saying all big brawny men in plaid shirts make lousy mates, which is just plain silly. There are obviously some underlying character traits that make them incompatible.
I've always had a fairly narrow range of physical attributes that I find attractive (not THAT narrow though!) and attempts to date guys who weren't my type proved disastrous.
no, but by ONLY focusing on their appearance- and the various sub criteria- shes ruling out guys who may be absolutely perfect for her.
does that make sense?
(personally, i think its her and not them, but thats another issue entirely
) 6 -
I met my husband video dating (VHS). Yes, I am a dinosaur. He is my height 5’5”. Lucky for me if some girls did not date him due to his height.5
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callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »I have a friend who will ONLY date a very particular 'kind' of guy. They all look the same. Truly, from one to the next you can't hardly tell them apart. They all look like freaking lumberjacks. Thats her thing. okay. but not one of them has been right for her. but that is ALL she will even consider dating. if they dont look JUST LIKE THAT, down to the plaid shirt, she wont give them the time of day. And i always think, 'chickie, broaden that scope just a bit and you might actually find someone... '
It's not their physical appearance that makes them "not right" for her, however. Otherwise that's akin to saying all big brawny men in plaid shirts make lousy mates, which is just plain silly. There are obviously some underlying character traits that make them incompatible.
I've always had a fairly narrow range of physical attributes that I find attractive (not THAT narrow though!) and attempts to date guys who weren't my type proved disastrous.
no, but by ONLY focusing on their appearance- and the various sub criteria- shes ruling out guys who may be absolutely perfect for her.
does that make sense?
(personally, i think its her and not them, but thats another issue entirely )
Oh lord, yes, choosing a partner solely on physical criteria is nuts. I've met men who I initially thought were jaw-droppingly gorgeous and then once their personality was revealed I couldn't even see them as attractive any more.
Just find a decent one and buy him the requisite plaid shirt at every gift-giving occasion and you've got your lumberjack guy,7 -
I met my husband video dating (VHS). Yes, I am a dinosaur. He is my height 5’5”. Lucky for me if some girls did not date him due to his height.
wait. hold up.
im not young. im 43. am i understanding you met and dated sending VHS tapes to each other?
ive never heard of such a thing and i remember when VHS tapes came OUT.0
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