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Height-ism?

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  • lynn_glenmont
    lynn_glenmont Posts: 9,961 Member
    ythannah wrote: »
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

    This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

    I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

    In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

    And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.

    When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.

    It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.

    Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.

    I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.

    After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.

    That must have been very hurtful to be met with so much hostility, and I probably would feel the same wariness in your position. But hopefully I would remember that just because those opinions were widespread in that particular family, it doesn't mean that every family of that race, or of any race, would share those feelings. I think being in a relationship -- or just being around people -- always creates the possibility of being hurt in myriad ways.
  • nooshi713
    nooshi713 Posts: 4,877 Member
    ythannah wrote: »
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

    This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

    I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

    In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

    And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.

    When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.

    It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.

    Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.

    I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.

    After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.

    I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.
  • nooshi713
    nooshi713 Posts: 4,877 Member
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

    This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

    I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

    In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

    And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.

    When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.

    It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.

    Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.

    I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.

    After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.

    I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.

    One of the multiple reasons my first marriage failed is because of my in-laws. Same race, same general background, but they hated the fact that my family didn't have much money.

    If that had been the only thing, we probably wouldn't have split up but when things get challenging, it's just an extra layer of difficulty when one side of the family is rooting for the relationship to fail.

    Aww I’m sorry. It is a shame when families make things so difficult on a couple. I have heard a lot of stories from friends and coworkers about problems with in laws. Most of these couples are same race couples. I know many mixed raced couples that seem really happy. I’m sure some have problems too but I wouldn’t use that as a sole reason not to date someone.
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,365 Member
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

    This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

    I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

    In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

    And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.

    When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.

    It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.

    Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.

    I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.

    After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.

    I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.

    Very true! And also what Lynn said. Mixed race relationships aren't super common here (population demographics, not social censure) so I can't really speak to the success or failure of any others. My available dating pool is predominantly same-race anyway.

    By the way, congratulations on your marriage. I had no idea you had married until you mentioned it in another thread.
  • nooshi713
    nooshi713 Posts: 4,877 Member
    ythannah wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

    This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

    I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

    In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

    And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.

    When you get right down to it, dating is a unique thing in terms of discrimination. Think about what that means. It means somebody is being unfairly denied something they have a right to. We all have a human right to equality, dignity, to be safe in public places, and things like that. There are a lot of discriminatory things people do to each other and it's a very sad aspect of human nature. But contrast that with dating; nobody has a right to be with you. If you only like tall and skinny people, that might be unfair and it might be self limiting, but you aren't harming other kinds of people by preventing them from using their natural right to sleep with you, because they don't have one to begin with.

    It's an interesting question and a gray zone. That's how I see the answer to your question, hope these random thoughts wind up being worth the time it takes to read them.

    Yes, but what happens when you talk about not wanting to date people of certain ethnicity or race? I bet a bunch of people in this forum, mostly progressive, would say that it's immoral or not a "correct" thing to. Even though you are choosing who you are intimate with.

    I had a relationship of around two years' duration with a man not of my own race [I'm white] and the hostility from the women in his extended family was incredible. Apparently I was a slap in the face to all the women of their race because he hadn't chosen one of them.

    After that experience I'd honestly be very wary of mixed race dating because it's very hard to maintain a relationship without acceptance and support.

    I’m sorry you went through that but not everyone is the same. There are families of the same race that don’t accept the other person for one reason or another too.

    Very true! And also what Lynn said. Mixed race relationships aren't super common here (population demographics, not social censure) so I can't really speak to the success or failure of any others. My available dating pool is predominantly same-race anyway.

    By the way, congratulations on your marriage. I had no idea you had married until you mentioned it in another thread.

    Thank you very much! ❤️
  • evilokc
    evilokc Posts: 260 Member
    i tried online for a while. i was honest but tried to make sure it was polite and in good taste. i dont see the issue in stating a deal breaker as long as your not a jerk about it.
  • Bocch
    Bocch Posts: 191 Member
    I have experienced insults by women about me only being 5'8. Women do not want to be judged yet they often judge men and make comments their backs.
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,627 Member
    edited August 2021
    lorib642 wrote: »
    I met my husband video dating (VHS). Yes, I am a dinosaur. He is my height 5’5”. Lucky for me if some girls did not date him due to his height.

    wait. hold up.

    im not young. im 43. am i understanding you met and dated sending VHS tapes to each other?

    ive never heard of such a thing and i remember when VHS tapes came OUT.