WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR JANUARY 2023
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Debbie- that is no life,for you I dare say...if he wants to be a martyr and be at his moms beck and call ..Then let him move in with her permanently..
Im sorry . I just know how hard it is as I went through the same thing for 20 yrs until I finally snapped..
Best thing I ever did..
I forgave him.. but I wont forget..and i remember stashing a little bit of money away which wasn't much for when I could get away..
Please think about your own life and happiness and health my friend...5 -
Quick skim before bed.
Annie ((hugs))
Beth prayers your DH improves soon and that your son’s new company doesn’t hold Covid absence against him.
Ginny your SIL’s learning curve made me smile.
Debbie hope you can get some rest, restoration, and perspective at your mom’s.
Allie, yours to Debbie. Truth from someone who’s been there.
Finally made my daily step goal for one of the few days this month. Sun was bright but wind was chilly so didn’t pick up many sticks. Now to prep veggies for fellowship tomorrow then snooze.
Lighter, lovelies!
Barbara, the Southern Oregon Coastie AHMOD
2023: Be of good cheer.
January: Move more, fuel better, live NOW.
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dlfk202000 wrote: »dlfk202000 wrote: »Karen- thank you- a few points hit very close to home. With former husband, he told me the reason he was leaving was "because he didn't want to be married anymore" but in reality, that was the furthest thing from the truth and he still regrets it- mental issues that he didn't know how to deal with was the real problem. Partly, he thought he had inherited
bipolar from his mother(he didn't just has others that he has since gotten help for and apologizes all the time for all of it-PTSD, Aspergers and a couple other things I don't remember).
Current one, out of spite for something he THOUGHT I was doing(only wanting to be with him to get pregnant which,yes I did want a baby but that was not the only reason I was with him. He was sweet and attentive back then). He cut off all affection then and to this day the cats get a lot more attention and affection from him than I ever do. Over 26 yrs of it(for years I had no clue until I finally got the guts up to call him out on it- said he would work on it but hasn't).
Now, I focus on doing more things for me and not dwell on what I am missing. I would love for things to change in him but he has to change, I can't change him.
Thank for the meme! I have taken on that attitude, especially since seeing my therapist. It’s hard to change at any age but it can be done. I find if i call my DH out on his behavior or something he says, he changes. I was always afraid of doing that but it is so freeing!
RVRita
I really wish that would work with dh. I tried it today and just mad it so much worse.
He was pissed about son not helping a few months ago take up recycling. Yes, he should have helped but didnt. Today he just got pissed, said fine he didn't need anyones help, he could do it just fine on his own. I did do a little while he was at his mom's but was not going to be out there working on it next to him in that mood. He stayed out until dark, came in, didn't say a word to me, took a shower and went to bed. His dinner sitting there waiting for him at 6. Every little thing just sets him off and if I try and say something, he just gets so mad. Very glad I am going to my mom's next weekend. Will stay as long as I can.
Debbie
Napa Valley,CA
Can you leave ... separate? Financially, etc.
I'm not saying you should, but I wouldn't put up with tip-toeing around someone in case he/she became angry for very long. That's no way to live.
Better to be alone than to have to live like that.
Read Karen's story again ...
The way you describe your situation, it sounds to me like he's doing everything possible to make like difficult for you so that you'll leave, just like Karen's husband did. He's probably amazed at your perseverance!
M in Oz7 -
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Good morning all! I was up at 5:30 this morning.
I forgot to turn off my alarm; so no lazing in bed for me, today. It is now 7:20, I have had my coffee, emptied the dishwasher that ran last night, and folded a load of laundry that was in the dryer. My grocery list is made out. I didn't place my order for pick up. I am going to do my own shopping today and stick to my list (no impulse buying) and see if I can find better deals than the shopper does when I order online. I also have been not liking some of the fresh produce they have given me. It is almost 7:30 and still very dark out. Must be more snow in the air!
Karen VA- Bless your heart! What a story to have to tell/not tell your son. My heart hurts for you, no matter how close you are now, with your ex; there is a part of me that thinks that your son believing all of the blame of the marriage not lasting is on you. Maybe it is my own experience that clouds my judgment. My stepson was told by his mother that I was the reason she and my DH broke up (they were not married), when in truth, they broke up before she knew she was pregnant and I had just begun my year long stint in Mexico. For years he believed I was the "bad guy", until his dad and I set him straight. This explains why he was such a little turd to me when he was younger. Ah well, sending you all of the love!
...
And so, it is that time for me to jump in the shower and set off to get the shopping done. This is the first weekend where I don't have a to do list at ALL! I might just accomplish something off my long term goals list! How exciting! ttfn xoxoxo KJ (Kelly)
ttfn xoxoxo KJ (Kelly)
Kelly,
Yep, it may well be on me...The dilemma was that in my mind, I left in large part because I was unable to forgive the affair. Thinking of your comment, I certainly agree that I didn’t set my son straight a long time ago, and perhaps should have. I can’t think how I would have gone about setting him straight, though, without it being explosive and destructive. He has had a formidable wall of defense around him for years, and the candid communications we had in prior years were usually one way and usually extremely unpleasant.
For example, one time my daughter-in-law came to me at her wit's end, crying and asking questions to see if I had any insight or advice for her. She would never have come to me if she hadn’t been completely defeated by him. I mostly commiserated and held her, and unfortunately wasn’t a lot of help except to emphasize that it wasn’t her fault and that she was really the only person he truly listened to and respected (obviously not nearly enough). I knew from her utter defeat she was thinking of leaving him.
I told her I would like to approach him and just gently remind him to cherish her and listen to her heart (he talks “at" people). She was so desperate she agreed to it but asked me not to tell him she had come to me. I knew that was going to be a problem, but I wasn’t about to betray her confidence in me, so I agreed.
My son became enraged (unspoken subtext “who the F are you to give me advice about my marriage?!”) and he fumed until he finally asked me to go to a therapist with him. (Therapist being a friend of his parents-in-law). I was told we were going to talk about it with a counselor in a safe zone to make it safe for both of us, which would give it a better chance at resolution.
However, when I got there, the counselor laid out the rules: My son was to have the floor. I was to listen and not reply except for asking clarifying questions. My perceptions of the “incident” were not allowed, and I was to remain in a neutral, active listening/open-minded role as a pupil, coming to a full understanding and appreciation of how severely my son was adversely affected by my one sentence bit of unsolicited advice (to cherish and listen to her).
He was pretty sure he already did cherish and listen to her, and was furious at me on her behalf; very protective of her all of a sudden, now that I had opened my mouth. After being thoroughly beaten up for 45 minutes at the therapy session, he seemed quite satisfied, and conveniently forgot to mention that I could have my turn to speak at a second session, to be scheduled. He and the therapist had discussed all this beforehand, but she was the one who brought it up as I was staggering out the the gladiator’s arena. I said that I would very much like an opportunity to say my piece, and would like to set the meeting up before we left.
My son "didn’t have his calendar" with him. Four weeks and 6 phone calls later, I finally accepted that my son had no intention of hearing what I had to say.
So it was on me, but I am still at a loss for how I could have/should have talked with him about it. He’s defensive and easily offended. I am hoping that has finally changed, but I am not holding my breath.
As an aside, the kerfuffle I created back then had positive ripples, in that my son and his wife got into couples’ therapy.
She has since perfected how to interact with him. She can bring him (lovingly) to his knees now, and does so whenever necessary to yank him off his high horse. It’s a lot of work, but she swears he’s worth it. He loves her and the grandchildren beyond measure, and, like his father, is very vulnerable and sentimental under the difficult exterior. My DIL is the only one he allows himself to be vulnerable with. She says sometimes he cries in her arms with frustration over himself and over his relationship with their oldest child, (my scrumptious grandson, who is on the spectrum).
I won’t be holding my breath. I will be proactive in setting up a time to talk. But I won’t hold my breath.
Karen in Virginia8 -
Beautiful day for a walk!
Machka in Oz5 -
Karen -
Love you loads. ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 ❤️ 🧡
Heather UK xxxxxx
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Good morning, It is still dark here. My husband is asleep and I don't want to wake him. I am still too tired to read. I have fed the dog. Maybe a light doze for another hour would be a good thing! Hope everyone has a good morning and a good day!
Best,
Rosemarie from Georgia10 -
Good morning ladies!
Debbie and Karen, many hugs for you both!
Annie in Delaware3 -
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Good morning!
Yesterday was a good day. Eating wasn't great- but was yummy. A couple of things I have learned recently. First I snack more if thirsty. I need to learn to drink water then decide if i am hungry. Secondly i need to eat more often or I over eat.
Terry I love your intentions vs to do lists! It just feels less demanding. I think I will implement that wording.
I have been lax on moving this week. I had planned on stepping during commercials Friday night but was so tired I couldn't motivate. So I decided that for every car that went over $100,000 on Barrett Jackson last night I would jog until it sold. Then repeat. Well.....I should have raised the dollar amount! I did get another 2500 steps but also had HR too high, so DH made me stop. I did walk a few more just to get HR back down slowly. He didn't want me to have a heart attack the day before his birthday! I bought him flowers. They are beef jerky flowers. He loves them!
I helped my friend yesterday get her MFP set up. We spoke for awhile about goals and habits. I explained things I have learned from all of you! She is concentrating on exercise and water for February while learning to use MFP. I am trying not to overwhelm her. It has been a long time since I have mentored.
DH and I fixed garage door yesterday. The switch was bad. Saved a bunch of money!
Today's intentions
◇Laundry
◇Install new kitchen faucet
◇Finish up some work stuffs
◇ Walk 7000 steps
Those sound good.
((Hugs))
♡♡Love♡♡
☆☆Cheers☆☆
TTFN
Kylia in gray cold Ohio
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Debbie and Karen - adding my ((HUGS)))
Machka - is Vit. D routinely tested as part of a typical blood test for you?
Kylia - so neat that you are helping mentor your friend. Sounds like she has what she needs, just needs a "cheerleader" to put it together and go forward. You are the perfect person for that. Good job fixing the garage door and getting that heart rate up (but not too high!).
Rosemarie - so glad you checked in with us, hope you were able to get more rest. Do you have to cook any special meals for your DH or are you able to process what you normally eat for him?
Even though my DH had a diminishing appetite the last 6 months or so of his life, I still cooked and baked as if he was a hearty eater. Sometimes he'd eat it, sometimes he wouldn't. I usually ended up with plenty of meals for the freezer - good lunches for the next several days.
These days, I tend to snack too much on nuts which spoils my appetite and I don't have much desire to cook anything that will dirty a lot of dishes, lol. Plus, nuts don't really have a lot of protein compared to meat, eggs, some legumes and greek yogurt/cottage cheese. So I chase after it. I should be getting 70 to 80 gm. per day.
Yesterday, however, I clicked on a FB reel and came across Tara Woodcox. I'd say she's in her 30's, really buff, cooks high protein meals to help grow lean muscle mass and to nourish her family which includes three growing little boys. Most meals are 20 to 30 gm of protein per serving.
She puts together quick meals - many are one-dish type things that I go for with great leftovers for the freezer. If anyone is interested:
https://www.facebook.com/tara.woodcox.1/reels_tab
Have a great Sunday!
Lanette
SW WA State
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97971
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Morning ladies
I hope I wasn't to forward in what I said Debbie,but no one should have to live like that..
You have all of us in your pocket.. you have your sweet kitties ...my Alfie is my saving grace ..so glad I rescued him..
You only have one life my friend and being yelled at and knocked down at every turn is not living..
Will keep you in my prayers my friend...I would also keep a notebook and write down everything he says ans does and keep it somewhere safe..in case you need it later..7 -
Annie, I'm so sorry for you. We went through a period of time when we though that we feared we'd never hear from Anne again. She was mentally unhealthy and wasn't getting help and she had horrible people around her, telling her things that were untrue and gaslighting her, not only about us, but about her too. She was able to pull herself out of that and get the help she needed and still is, although she still has days when she has to retreat into her shell and we don't hear from her, but she comes around. We know she has a strong support system now. Like others have said, don't give up hope. Someday...
OMGOSH Machka! Totally me! Only it really took me until almost 60 to stop caring what everyone was thinking AND realizing that no one was every thinking about me in the first place!
29 Engage in a random act of kindness of your own choice... headed out today, so I'll have to let you know...
Love and Blessings, Carla, in MN
30 When was the last time you laughed so hard you almost peed?...
31 Now try to "meditate" (sit in silence) for ten minutes...4 -
Annie - I'm sorry about your daughter's estrangement. Wish I had advice to give... I do not, but I hope you find peace in your heart that you've done all you can.
Debbie - I'm REALLY trying hard to stay out of you and your husband's relationship woes, but all I have to give is my own experience... I was married for 27 years, and left for very different reasons than your issues, but I couldn't leave until I didn't love him anymore. I knew that when I looked at him sleeping in our bed, and thought "I'd rather die alone than live with you for the rest of my life." It took a long time to value myself that much.
Karen - I wish I had advice, but honestly, when people treat me like caca, I just leave, and that's not really an option for you. Your son's stunt with the therapist, added to his being too cowardly to hear your side of the story, was abuse, plain and simple. I know that's easy to say from out here. I also know how much you adore those grandkids and don't want to lose them. No easy answers... but his bid to hear more about how your marriage broke up sounds like another setup for abuse. I hope your ex-husband doesn't duck out on you for that potential powder keg situation. And your daughter-in-law sounds like an amazing human being.
Many hugs to all of you, and others who need those hugs, too.
Love,
Lisa in AR6 -
cityjaneLondon wrote: »Karen -
Love you loads. ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 ❤️ 🧡
Heather UK xxxxxx
Yes! and Yes.
Love you loads back.
Karen in Virginia4
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