Help! hurtful comment from partner

rogerOb1

This would make me very nervous. I'd feel pressured, always, to maintain a good weight if it meant he would leave me otherwise. What happens if I become injured, or sick, and gain weight as a result? What happens if I'm one of those women that puts on a TON of baby weight? Is he going to go find a skinny woman and say 'Well it's your own fault'? I guess I just don't like the idea of someone having that power over me.

I still say that you should ask yourself if you want to marry him, and sign up for a life of this attitude, of being the one in a relationship feeling threatened and unsure that HE might leave YOU. I couldn't live under that stress and fear. I don't really think that could ever create a healthy living environment.

Also, 15KG is not that much weight in the grand scheme of things. If you were fluctuating between 130LBS and 230LBS I could see the issue, but through the course of your life you will gain and lose 15KG. I think the people on here saying 'Well he's being honest and he's right and he has a right to not be attracted to you' are imagining that you're bloating up quite a bit, when the truth is you just aren't. If the difference in your marriage is 15KG, that's a very fine line to spend a lifetime teetering on.

While those are valid questions, from what the OP said, he hasnt been making her feel insecure about the relationship in other ways - he has shown a willingness to sacrifice for her betterment.

The issue might genuinely be that she isnt taking care of herself and he is concerned (but he should wait until its 100lbs to be concerned, huh ;o). Expressing it the way he did was clumsy, but doesnt automatically mean its an unhealthy living environment.

MegE_N

This would make me very nervous. I'd feel pressured, always, to maintain a good weight if it meant he would leave me otherwise. What happens if I become injured, or sick, and gain weight as a result? What happens if I'm one of those women that puts on a TON of baby weight? Is he going to go find a skinny woman and say 'Well it's your own fault'? I guess I just don't like the idea of someone having that power over me.

I still say that you should ask yourself if you want to marry him, and sign up for a life of this attitude, of being the one in a relationship feeling threatened and unsure that HE might leave YOU. I couldn't live under that stress and fear. I don't really think that could ever create a healthy living environment.

Also, 15KG is not that much weight in the grand scheme of things. If you were fluctuating between 130LBS and 230LBS I could see the issue, but through the course of your life you will gain and lose 15KG. I think the people on here saying 'Well he's being honest and he's right and he has a right to not be attracted to you' are imagining that you're bloating up quite a bit, when the truth is you just aren't. If the difference in your marriage is 15KG, that's a very fine line to spend a lifetime teetering on.

While those are valid questions, from what the OP said, he hasnt been making her feel insecure about the relationship in other ways - he has shown a willingness to sacrifice for her betterment.

The issue might genuinely be that she isnt taking care of herself and he is concerned (but he should wait until its 100lbs to be concerned, huh ;o). Expressing it the way he did was clumsy, but doesnt automatically mean its an unhealthy living environment.

I agree that it doesn't automatically mean this would turn out to be an unhealthy living situation. But anyone who ever put a stipulation on me like that for such a HUGE decision would, I think, deserve a bit of scrutiny. It's not that he mistakenly called her fat in a poor attempt to indicate his concern - he is holding back on marriage over 15Kgs. Marriage is a huge step, a big commitment, and the fact that marriage is dependent on something as small as 15Kgs would concern me for the future. It means that if she ever slips, he can lord that over her. And she can fight and struggle to earn the right to be his bride and the object of his affection, but it's 15Kgs.

Let's turn it around. Someone in the above likened this to a sand in the line over alcoholism. If she went to him and said 'Honey, we can't get married because I think the 2 beers a night you have every night is excessive and I can't marry someone like that' would everyone's response here be to say 'Well you know, it is excessive, and she's just being honest' or would there be a lot of people calling her 'controlling' a 'nag' etc.? There's a difference between being an alcoholic and having drinks, just as there is a difference between being 15Kgs overweight and 'so fat I can't be married to you'.

I just don't like the idea of marriage being conditional over something so slight. Marriage is WORK, there's going to be ups and downs. And if he's not willing to take that step because of a measly 15Kgs - or worse, if he wants to use that measly 15Kgs to make sure he always has the upper hand in the relationship - I don't think that bodes well for the long term, for the sickness-and-health, for the richer-or-poorer.

My only point was to the OP - ask yourself if that kind of self punishment and that kind of stress is what you really want out of the rest of your life. I like to think that a love that builds a strong marriage is stronger than 15Kgs. It's going to have to be stronger than financial stress, screaming kids, and aging.

Work on the weight, sure. I guess I'd just be wondering how I'd fare in that kind of a marriage when a real stressor comes along. But my advice would still be to talk to him about it, maybe he doesn't understand how much this upset the OP, maybe they can find their relationship really is stronger than 15Kgs. And if his commitment is that insecure, I'd ask myself if that's the life I want.

rogerOb1

I agree that it doesn't automatically mean this would turn out to be an unhealthy living situation. But anyone who ever put a stipulation on me like that for such a HUGE decision would, I think, deserve a bit of scrutiny. It's not that he mistakenly called her fat in a poor attempt to indicate his concern - he is holding back on marriage over 15Kgs. Marriage is a huge step, a big commitment, and the fact that marriage is dependent on something as small as 15Kgs would concern me for the future. It means that if she ever slips, he can lord that over her. And she can fight and struggle to earn the right to be his bride and the object of his affection, but it's 15Kgs.

Let's turn it around. Someone in the above likened this to a sand in the line over alcoholism. If she went to him and said 'Honey, we can't get married because I think the 2 beers a night you have every night is excessive and I can't marry someone like that' would everyone's response here be to say 'Well you know, it is excessive, and she's just being honest' or would there be a lot of people calling her 'controlling' a 'nag' etc.? There's a difference between being an alcoholic and having drinks, just as there is a difference between being 15Kgs overweight and 'so fat I can't be married to you'.

I just don't like the idea of marriage being conditional over something so slight. Marriage is WORK, there's going to be ups and downs. And if he's not willing to take that step because of a measly 15Kgs - or worse, if he wants to use that measly 15Kgs to make sure he always has the upper hand in the relationship - I don't think that bodes well for the long term, for the sickness-and-health, for the richer-or-poorer.

My only point was to the OP - ask yourself if that kind of self punishment and that kind of stress is what you really want out of the rest of your life. I like to think that a love that builds a strong marriage is stronger than 15Kgs. It's going to have to be stronger than financial stress, screaming kids, and aging.

Work on the weight, sure. I guess I'd just be wondering how I'd fare in that kind of a marriage when a real stressor comes along. But my advice would still be to talk to him about it, maybe he doesn't understand how much this upset the OP, maybe they can find their relationship really is stronger than 15Kgs. And if his commitment is that insecure, I'd ask myself if that's the life I want.

Yet again, I do feel you have valid points (much more rational than all the "omigosh - hes evil - dump him" style responses) and they definitely need to talk .

I dont see the difference in your example though. If you were concerned about the level of drinking - I would say you should address it - and I would definitely say address it before you got married to that person. Again, you shouldnt wait until the person is a full-on whino before letting them know that it is an issue for you.

allofme32

Lets assume you lose the weight and marry this guy. Will he complain about your stretch marks after you give birth to his children? Will he complain about your breasts after breastfeeding and gravity take a toll on them? Are you willing to go under the knife to stay perfect for this man?

How about when you get old and wrinkled? Will he leave you for a younger looking woman?

People like this are never satisfied. They take their own insecurities and reflect them onto you. Making you feel insecure and miserable.

Do you want this for your life?

Sometimes it is better to stay single then be with someone who does not accept you as you are and love you for who you are today, tomorrow and forever.

You need to LOVE yourself enough to live by your standards and not any ridiculous requirement someone has placed upon you.

If you don't love yourself, how will you love your husband? How will you love your future children? Respect yourself enough to make changes in your life.

This includes surrounding yourself with people who support you and removing yourself from the company of people who bring you down.

I pray that you find the strength and motivation within yourself to do this.

God bless you.

Wonderob

If you want to lose weight, do it for you. Don't ever do it to for a man.

Why is it so wrong to do something to please your partner?

Is it wrong for a guy to cut down on his drinking because his wife doesn't like him coming home drunk too often? Shave off his moustache because his wife isn't keen on it? Stop wearing those skin tight jeans because his wife says he looks ridiculous in them with his pot belly?

Or wrong for a wife to start shaving her legs because her husband isn't keen on the unshaven look? Or lose a few pounds because he would fancy her a bit more if she were a little slimmer? Or wear that little black dress because it's his favourite?

What's so wrong with trying to please your partner - it's listed as one of my reasons for getting in shape.

Is it seen as a sign of weakness for a woman to 'do it for a man'?

AsaThorsWoman

FWIW, there are thousands upon thousands of single women out there who would love a boyfriend that was financially and emotionally supportive, and wouldn't mind dropping 30 pounds in a heartbeat to get it.

It won't be as easy out there in the singles world with your new weight and age as it was before where you are in that picture.

You'll likely be on a mission to lose the 30 just so you can date again, and wish you'd have done it when you had the set-up.

I say drop the weight and make your man happy, but if you already don't want too, what else will you not want to do to please him in the future?

Do you hear all the singles out there saying it might be best for you to stay single?

There is an ulterior motive.

MyChocolateDiet

My friend was dating a guy who was in love with her since she was 13 and he was in his 20's and yeah he waited for her.

One day she discovered he was not proposing because on all her visits to his house (huge) she never cleaned his place. He thought she might hate cleaning.

She upped her game and had a fairy tail wedding with horse drawn carriage, tiara, and etc.

Personally that would have offended me and I would have sought out another mate. I would have wondered why this didn't come up in regular conversation or why he hadn't taken her clean place as evidence of her neatness?

Each person must make their own assessment of what they can stand and what they can't. To her it was no biggie to me it was a deal breaker and I would not have been happy.

You know in your heart how you feel. I don't judge my friend for her choice, you don't need to consider the feelings of others, you can just rely on your feelings now to inform whether the future will bring resentment you don't want to live with or whether it will bring forgiveness that is worth everything else you love about him. It's your life, you get to make your own choices. Don't complicate things by taking to heart the opinions of tons of online people with such varied perspectives, values, experiences, hangups, and histories as to make their opinion of your situation invalid.

MegE_N

I agree that it doesn't automatically mean this would turn out to be an unhealthy living situation. But anyone who ever put a stipulation on me like that for such a HUGE decision would, I think, deserve a bit of scrutiny. It's not that he mistakenly called her fat in a poor attempt to indicate his concern - he is holding back on marriage over 15Kgs. Marriage is a huge step, a big commitment, and the fact that marriage is dependent on something as small as 15Kgs would concern me for the future. It means that if she ever slips, he can lord that over her. And she can fight and struggle to earn the right to be his bride and the object of his affection, but it's 15Kgs.

Let's turn it around. Someone in the above likened this to a sand in the line over alcoholism. If she went to him and said 'Honey, we can't get married because I think the 2 beers a night you have every night is excessive and I can't marry someone like that' would everyone's response here be to say 'Well you know, it is excessive, and she's just being honest' or would there be a lot of people calling her 'controlling' a 'nag' etc.? There's a difference between being an alcoholic and having drinks, just as there is a difference between being 15Kgs overweight and 'so fat I can't be married to you'.

I just don't like the idea of marriage being conditional over something so slight. Marriage is WORK, there's going to be ups and downs. And if he's not willing to take that step because of a measly 15Kgs - or worse, if he wants to use that measly 15Kgs to make sure he always has the upper hand in the relationship - I don't think that bodes well for the long term, for the sickness-and-health, for the richer-or-poorer.

My only point was to the OP - ask yourself if that kind of self punishment and that kind of stress is what you really want out of the rest of your life. I like to think that a love that builds a strong marriage is stronger than 15Kgs. It's going to have to be stronger than financial stress, screaming kids, and aging.

Work on the weight, sure. I guess I'd just be wondering how I'd fare in that kind of a marriage when a real stressor comes along. But my advice would still be to talk to him about it, maybe he doesn't understand how much this upset the OP, maybe they can find their relationship really is stronger than 15Kgs. And if his commitment is that insecure, I'd ask myself if that's the life I want.

Yet again, I do feel you have valid points (much more rational than all the "omigosh - hes evil - dump him" style responses) and they definitely need to talk .

I dont see the difference in your example though. If you were concerned about the level of drinking - I would say you should address it - and I would definitely say address it before you got married to that person. Again, you shouldnt wait until the person is a full-on whino before letting them know that it is an issue for you.

I guess the difference to me is 'We need to work on this,' and 'Drop and give me 20 to earn my commitment'.

MegE_N

FWIW, there are thousands upon thousands of single women out there who would love a boyfriend that was financially and emotionally supportive, and wouldn't mind dropping 30 pounds in a heartbeat to get it.

It won't be as easy out there in the singles world with your new weight and age as it was before where you are in that picture.

You'll likely be on a mission to lose the 30 just so you can date again, and wish you'd have done it when you had the set-up.

I say drop the weight and make your man happy, but if you already don't want too, what else will you not want to do to please him in the future?

Do you hear all the singles out there saying it might be best for you to stay single?

There is an ulterior motive.

Based on that assessment it's a wonder I ever found a date, much less a fiance, at 240lbs.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

FWIW, there are thousands upon thousands of single women out there who would love a boyfriend that was financially and emotionally supportive, and wouldn't mind dropping 30 pounds in a heartbeat to get it.

It won't be as easy out there in the singles world with your new weight and age as it was before where you are in that picture.

You'll likely be on a mission to lose the 30 just so you can date again, and wish you'd have done it when you had the set-up.

I say drop the weight and make your man happy, but if you already don't want too, what else will you not want to do to please him in the future?

Do you hear all the singles out there saying it might be best for you to stay single?

There is an ulterior motive.

LOL. So the only thing important in life is to not be single. Got it.

Wonderob

FWIW, there are thousands upon thousands of single women out there who would love a boyfriend that was financially and emotionally supportive, and wouldn't mind dropping 30 pounds in a heartbeat to get it.

It won't be as easy out there in the singles world with your new weight and age as it was before where you are in that picture.

You'll likely be on a mission to lose the 30 just so you can date again, and wish you'd have done it when you had the set-up.

I say drop the weight and make your man happy, but if you already don't want too, what else will you not want to do to please him in the future?

Do you hear all the singles out there saying it might be best for you to stay single?

There is an ulterior motive.

Based on that assessment it's a wonder I ever found a date, much less a fiance, at 240lbs.

I wonder what your fiancé would put top of the list in things he loves about you?

Caring nature?
Your body?
Face?
Sense of humour?
Fun to be with?
Nice person?

What if you started drinking a little too much and he said he still loves you but the drinking means you're no longer as much fun to be around so the marriage is on hold a little while.

Is he still a jerk? Is it wrong to value appearance over other attributes?

ValGogo

Drop him like 3rd period French.. You deserve better Nuff said

I like French. It makes me sound culturified.

MegE_N

FWIW, there are thousands upon thousands of single women out there who would love a boyfriend that was financially and emotionally supportive, and wouldn't mind dropping 30 pounds in a heartbeat to get it.

It won't be as easy out there in the singles world with your new weight and age as it was before where you are in that picture.

You'll likely be on a mission to lose the 30 just so you can date again, and wish you'd have done it when you had the set-up.

I say drop the weight and make your man happy, but if you already don't want too, what else will you not want to do to please him in the future?

Do you hear all the singles out there saying it might be best for you to stay single?

There is an ulterior motive.

Based on that assessment it's a wonder I ever found a date, much less a fiance, at 240lbs.

I wonder what your fiancé would put top of the list in things he loves about you?

Caring nature?
Your body?
Face?
Sense of humour?
Fun to be with?
Nice person?

What if you started drinking a little too much and he said he still loves you but the drinking means you're no longer as much fun to be around so the marriage is on hold a little while.

Is he still a jerk? Is it wrong to value appearance over other attributes?

He calls me his drunk Irish angel, as it happens. :drinker:

But I understand your point. However, if he came to me tomorrow and said 'I'm witholding marriage until you meet my standards' with no previous discussion, no attempt at open dialogue, nothing but an ultimatum ... I would have to seriously consider how committed he was to me and our relationship, and how he'd hold up during real periods of stress. I'd wonder if I could count on him should the going get tough.

Now, if he had said things like 'Maybe take it easy' or 'Do you need to drink so much?' or sat me down and said that he was starting to become concerned for the amount I was drinking and he wanted me to work on it, I'd be able to respect his wishes, understand his concern, and know that it came from a place of love.

From what I gather, OP's man made a declarative statement that OP is not good enough for him, and if she strives and works for him, MAYBE she'll become good enough to become family. And if they don't address that, OP will likely carry that mentality into her life as a wife - knowing that if she slips up he might once more hold back from her and view her as inferior. That's why my advice to OP is to talk to her man, to see if this was just a clumsy attempt to share his concern about her weight, be it because of her health or his need for an aesthetic. I don't judge his reasoning, he has every right to it and frankly I don't care one way or the other. It's his business.

I'm not saying drop him like a hot potato. Nor am I saying that a person shouldn't try to please their partner or spouse. I'm saying that if 15KG is enough for him to say 'Thanks, but no thanks' it might be prudent to examine the relationship and see if he'll flake out again under other stresses.

frankara

I was in a similar relationship. My husband left me two years ago because I "didn't care enough about his feeling" to lose weight. I just had twins two years before that and I struggle to lose the weight. I was crushed and my self-esteem went to the crappers. I started to starve myself and go into a deep depression.

He moved and has been in a relationship with a size 2 girl. It took a long time and counseling to realize it wasn't me. True, my ex-husband was an a**hole. However, I realize we ran our course and it wasn't meant to be. Today, I am glad that I'm not with someone that belittles or emotional abuse me. I am losing weight on my own term and loving the new and confident me. I still have a lot to lose but I know I have alot more to offer than just my weight. Letting go of such toxic is the hardest part. Once you do that, don't ever look back. I say all of this just to say get out sooner than later. Your mind and heart will thank you for this.