found my husband on an onlne dating site

hookilau

wow...all these counselors and not one certification in their background pictures. I can tell you from experience..broken trust CAN be healed. it takes complete transparency on BOTH sides..and yes..it takes Jesus (I'm certain I'll get feedback from that from those who don't want accountability in their lives). If it fails it's because BOTH parties don't want the same outcome. If it didn't work for YOU...naysayers.....it's because Both of YOU didn't want to focus on fixing the problems that led to it. Good for you to try to do your part lady..in my book, you rock! and if your hubby doesn't want to leave his phone and texts wide open for you to verify his trustworthyness..then he is not worth keeping and don't deserve you.

Let me guess.. you were the one in the wrong

:laugh:
exactly what I was thinking!

Miss_1999

We have a lot of history not all good but more good than bad and I don't want to lose my husband I think we were both too wrapped up in the kids and life in general and not giving each other enough attention and not all the bad in the past 10 years have been his fault so I will forgive and forget but not again and secretly I check the online cell phone accounts and know his every move lol until I can trust again.

Just.

Wow.

Until you've been in her shoes, it's easy to make a comment like this. The peanut gallery has all kinds of advice, and the "well I'd leave his sorry *kitten*!" or "I wouldn't do this" or "I wouldn't do that!" but the fact of the matter is, none of us know what we would or wouldn't do until we're faced with it ourselves. When trust is broken with someone you love, and you're absolutely blindsided by something, who's to say what you would do? Am I going to say this is healthy? No, but can I understand it, absolutely. If put in the same situation, I don't know that I wouldn't do the same thing.

For the OP, once trust is broken, it takes a long time to repair. I hope that you and your husband, both, put in the effort to work on your marriage, and repairing that trust. Keep the lines of communication open-- that's the biggest thing you can possibly do for yourself, and your marriage. If need be, don't be afraid to seek counseling. There's no shame in this.

As far as getting in shape and losing weight- do this for you, and your health, not because you think that's why your husband was on a dating site. If that's the only reason you're doing it, you may end up with a disaster on your hands. Love yourself, and know that you deserve the best in life, that being healthy is a gift you're giving yourself, and it's not about anyone else, it's about you, the rest will follow. Best wishes.

angie007az

It is hard situation. If he wants to try something new,there are mostly his problem. But as for you ,it is hard to change his mind. But you can try to figure out ways to improve yourself and improve your relationship. At least it is only a beginning( I hope). If you become more attractive, you have more chances to win him back! Do something, anything that can improve you! Make yourself VALUABLE! Take care of him more !

POPPYCOCK

I agree. Poppycock!

hscheuerman

Been there & done that myself. Just hang in there and, above all, trust your own instincts!!!!!! This is so important - only you will know what is really right for yourself - everyone around you will be offering advice as they did with me, I listened politely and, in the end, made my own decisions and have never regretted them.

My sister also saw her marriage slipping away so she and her husband made a hard and fast rule that they have a date night or date afternoon EVERY week without fail - 20 years later that are still married and the best of friends. One other piece of advice - DO NOT USE FOOD FOR COMFORT! Thi is so easy to do and will only make you more miserable in the end.

Good luck, best wishes and PLEASE TRUST YOURSELF!

Helen

Zee48

Hon my first question is WTH were you doing on the online dating service to begin with? There is more to this than 'my husband is on an online dating service & I’m monitoring his every move'. Is he into porn and this is his way of making it okay? Is he really cheating or thinking of it? Are you cheating or thinking of it? I suggest turning it over to Jesus ~ yes He can heal broken marriages ~ and visit a good Christian marriage counselor, preferably one of the same faith you practice as a couple, as individuals and perhaps with the children if they are old enough to know what is going on. If you need to lose weight do it for the right reasons – your health and your children. They need you and they need a healthy Mom. If you are doing it for him – it won’t work.

NEVER drag your children into your fights & distrust & infidelity. Trust can be re-earned, marriages can be healed but it takes work on both partners sides of the fence. Get up, dust yourself off and be your own person to the best of your ability. Be wary, be leary of his actions but not accusatory and don’t dog him or throw his misgivings in his face because that is not forgiveness.

I'm seriously praying for you, your husband and your children. See I've been the wife with the cheating husband and a small child at home. It isn't easy but I did the best I could. Mine didn't work because he didn't want to give up his freedom and I later met & married a wonderful man. If you both honestly want to work on making your marriage work it is going to have to be 100% ~ 100%. Blending two personalities into one is hard work but it is so worth it in the end.

My heart, thoughts & prayers are with you.

angie007az

Before this thread gets closed because of all of the Jesus-hate, I wanted to throw my opinion into the mix.


I really don't think that every situation is black and white. If you and your husband have come to an agreement where you are both working on the relationship, then I say go for it. The whole "once a cheater always a cheater" is a blanket statement and can be completely false in some cases. My grandpa has been married 3 different times... 1-- he cheated on her multiple times, 2-- he was faithful and she cheated on him.. 3-- they are still together-- no cheating. I think that people can change-- if they are willing... people change all the time.. we are ever-changing. Forgiveness=/= trust. You can forgive him and him still have to build up your trust again-- people do this starting out in relationships all the time.

I also think its wise to work on yourself too-- but not just because of your husband but because I think that we can all stand to look in the mirror and work on things in ourselves that could be better.

Back up the truck. Your Grandpa doesn't cheat anymore? Could age have anything to do with this?? Just asking.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Period.

bananafannah

Ok, there's a lot of Jesus talk in this thread. But why has no one considered the strength and compassion offered by the Flying Spaghetti Monster?



(I think this thread is going to roll as well...garlic roll)

R'AMEN!

Too perfect.

jennifurballs

I try not to give my opinion on things that aren't my business, but since I caught my ex with another woman, while I was 7 months pregnant with our son, I think I've earned it.

First, I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

Second, and IMO, more importantly, the fact that you said you check his phone secretly means you no longer trust him. You may love him and you may want your marriage to work, for whatever reasons, but you will never trust him again. The thing you must decide is whether or not you're willing to live with that.

If you are, stay. If you're not, move on. Since I'm on a roll with advice giving, the fact that you take partial blame for his infidelity tells me that you need to spend some time alone, working on building your own self worth. Only then will you not settle for anything less than you deserve.

angie007az

my former (deceased) husband had cheated on me also but we had no more children in the house. I was devastated however
I was a practicing Christian & knew with God all things are possible especially forgiveness. Complete trust took several years but it eventually came & last ten years of his life as my husband were worth forgiving him.

Pretty sure the bible is against adultery.

Yeah it's on God's Top 10 don't do list.

I'm pretty sure it also says something about slaves obeying their masters

It doesn't say anything about slaves and masters in the 10 Commandments. It does specifically say thou shall not commit adultry.

LOL

KristopherK1

What many have said before me -

Do the weight loss for yourself, and to be around for your kids longer and be healthier for them.

This guy isn't worth keeping around. He's just going to find another excuse to do it later. That's my opinion.

smantha32

I don't think this is as black and white as you say. You found him on a dating site, you can't view 99% of dating site members without having a membership yourself. Furthermore was his membership Standard, or Silver or Gold, because a standard account cant talk to anyone on the site anyway. Also, dating websites retain a userbase of about 70% fake profiles, including people who once registered and quit and stuff as simple as people who registered on craigslist. The job of these bots is to send messages, winks and flirts to people to make them think dating websites work, for the most part, they don't. Period.

Unless she just found him still logged into the profile on his computer.

angie007az

What many have said before me -

Do the weight loss for yourself, and to be around for your kids longer and be healthier for them.

This guy isn't worth keeping around. He's just going to find another excuse to do it later. That's my opinion.

Now there is a smart guy!

salembambi

Ok, there's a lot of Jesus talk in this thread. But why has no one considered the strength and compassion offered by the Flying Spaghetti Monster?



(I think this thread is going to roll as well...garlic roll)

R'AMEN!

I just left my body for 5 minutes

JeriAnne84

my former (deceased) husband had cheated on me also but we had no more children in the house. I was devastated however
I was a practicing Christian & knew with God all things are possible especially forgiveness. Complete trust took several years but it eventually came & last ten years of his life as my husband were worth forgiving him.

Pretty sure the bible is against adultery.

Yeah it's on God's Top 10 don't do list.

I'm pretty sure it also says something about slaves obeying their masters

It doesn't say anything about slaves and masters in the 10 Commandments. It does specifically say thou shall not commit adultry.

*takes red pen and puts a big x through everything but the 10 Commandments*

Now, let's discuss all those wars your god supported in the bible and square that with though shall not kill. I have yet to find Just War Theory in Exodus or Deuteronomy.

Okay I was just saying adultry is wrong is in the 10 commandments, not getting into a religious debate because I don't believe I said what or who I believe in anywhere. So way to put words in my mouth, or online. Whatever you know what I mean. lol

lloydrt

To the Original Poster

You said you were a bit heavy and kind of let yourself go.? Well, be honest.......just exactly what does your husband look like? Did he let himself go as well , and isn't anything to write home about?

If hes on one of those dating sites, what kind of picture did he exactly post? Him 15 years ago looking handsome, or a current photo? Most of those posted photos are fake, or dated

I just wonder if her husband could get any replies to his profile as well?