when platonic friendships get ~awkward~

missbethea

wtf, MFP, why did you post this before I was done writing?

ANYWAY ....

So I have a lot of male friends that I am just friends with. It's been that way for a long time. I get along better with guys. I grew up with my brother and my dad- he had custody- so I just genuinely prefer the company of males. Women seem to be super competitive with one another and it annoys me.

But what do you do when those friendships just get... kind of awkward?

I have a friend that I've known for about three years now, maybe four. We met at one of my old jobs. He's a great guy, we're great friends- but from the very beginning we kind of friend zoned each other. Made it very clear neither of us were the other's type, that kind of thing.

Well, recently the dynamic has shifted. He came with me to a birthday dinner for one of my friends last month. Everyone else had their SO along, so I asked him to come with me so I wouldn't be the odd one out. Well, after he left, my friends were all like HE IS SO PERFECT FOR YOU WHY ARE YOU NOT TOGETHER? etc. I explained politely it's just not like that between us. For the last three years we've gone out to lunch/dinner, hung out, etc. and romance has just never been an issue.

So I was telling him about this on the phone about three weeks ago, and I said "They just don't understand what we have isn't at all romantic."

Cue awkward stuttering and the phone call abruptly ending a few minutes later. Ouch.

Well, after that we did meet up for dinner- about a week later. We had a great time. We always do. We were going to go to a movie, but nothing good was playing so we called it an early night and we both went our separate ways. After that dinner, we literally didn't talk for two or three weeks. (Not entirely abnormal, but kind of a bummer because I love hanging out with him.)

Well, last night I get the text message and we're chatting and then he tells me he's going to see a friend. I asked "Anyone I know?" and he said "nope". And I went "ooooh, is it a lady?" and he replied with: "A gentleman never tells, darlin." So basically I get the impression he just wanted to tell me he was going to meet up with a woman. I don't really care if he does- he's a great guy, he deserves a great woman, and I hope he finds that.

But... what do you do once that platonic relationship gets... awkward? How on earth do I move on from here? I dont' want to be the one to bring it up. I feel like if I say "So... did your feelings change or something?" that it will make the situation worse- the constant worry of "What if I am imagining this?" Suggestions, advice, ideas? Anyone else had this happen?

odusgolp

How are you sure he hasn't liked you this whole time?? If you have no interest in dating him, here's what I'd do...

Stay his friend. Be GENUINELY happy for him when he has a date and tells you about it. Perhaps give him more space (ie. don't pursue get togethers) and let him initiate contact. If he has feelings for you - you essentially just shut him down. He'll be hurt and not want to see you.

If you do have interest in dating hims (and... why not?), have a conversation. Give it a whirl!

AnnaPixie

But... what do you do once that platonic relationship gets... awkward? How on earth do I move on from here? I dont' want to be the one to bring it up. I feel like if I say "So... did your feelings change or something?" that it will make the situation worse- the constant worry of "What if I am imagining this?" Suggestions, advice, ideas? Anyone else had this happen?

I think you just move on from it. I think its very natural for this come up in platonic relationships. Somewhere along the line we realise that we are men and women too!! And yeah, if you like someone as a friend, then why not as a lover? When this happened to me, I just asked him. I dont think it needs to be awkward, you just accept what the other person says and carry on with what you were doing before. But I know it throws it off balance for a bit. No big deal, the awkwardness will pass, just a case of clearing the air. Friendships are bigger and people are adult enough to cope with this kind of curve ball :flowerforyou:

La_Amazona

I agree with Anna.

I had a guy friend before I got married and we met because we wanted to date.. but we got lost in translation somehow and never ended up dating. Then we saw each other again months later and became best friends. We were always platonic. There was 1 weekend when we went away with other friends and I suddenly saw him in another light. I was getting butterflies in my tummy around him- strangest thing!
After the weekend was done butterflies died lol. I still laugh about it because it came out of nowhere and went right back to nowhere.

If only that could happen with FL... :grumble:

missbethea

How are you sure he hasn't liked you this whole time?

I just always assumed from the way he treated me. He always told me about other women in his life, tried to encourage me to pursue guys he knew I was interested in, etc. He's never really made a move or anything. He told me when we first started hanging out that I wasn't his type. It was an awkward conversation to be sure, but it was almost like he wanted to let me know right off the bat not to "get my hopes up" so to speak about anything romantic. I suppose I just assumed had that changed that he would have made a move or done something about it. He's always been the sort of guy to go right after exactly what he wants.

When this happened to me, I just asked him. I dont think it needs to be awkward, you just accept what the other person says and carry on with what you were doing before. But I know it throws it off balance for a bit. No big deal, the awkwardness will pass, just a case of clearing the air.

I guess I just don't have the guts to just flat out ask! LOL. I think I'll wait and see if things improve, and if the awkward doesn't... go away, try to deal with it then. I worry a lot, and always imagine worst case scenarios for everything. So I'm kind of freaking out about how he would react if I just brought up- even though I feel like he has opened the door for the discussion, I'd rather he be the one to lead that conversation. I also dont' want to embarrass him further- after flat out stating "They don't get it!" to have him feel awkward and stuttery, and then bring it up yet again just to deny him again seems cruel to me.

After the weekend was done butterflies died lol. I still laugh about it because it came out of nowhere and went right back to nowhere.

Hopefully that's the case here haha. And it was just an awkward, short lived idea. XD


Thanks for the input all. I'm probably freaking out over nothing but it was just so incredibly unexpected that I didn't know how to process it, and since we've not been talking much the last few weeks I've been stewing over it- worried that I've ruined our friendship or seriously offended him.

JanieJack

what do you do once that platonic relationship gets... awkward? How on earth do I move on from here? I dont' want to be the one to bring it up. I feel like if I say "So... did your feelings change or something?" that it will make the situation worse- the constant worry of "What if I am imagining this?" Suggestions, advice, ideas? Anyone else had this happen?

I spent so much time with a particular friend that people who only kept up with us on facebook thought we were a couple, to the point that one person in our church even expressed shocked that I didn’t move out of state with him. We never even dated. I tried to help him win the attention of other girls. But we enjoyed each other’s company and spent a lot of time together, just me, him, and my son.

Well, a lot of people kept trying to put us together and it got awkward. And I began to wonder if there was a possibility (after all, he is a great guy). I finally had to just come out and ask him if he were interested , because I thought our “couple joking” was just fun and games. He told me he had no romantic interest in me. I believe it because I honestly never felt one ounce of “attraction” coming from him, though I myself was quite attracted to him.

After he moved, I got people telling me I’d hurt him by continuing to date and not giving him a chance. So I had to bring it up again. And he said he’d *never* been attracted to me, or interested in that way.

Just be careful what you ask for, though: It didn’t bother me to hear he wasn’t interested the first time, because we’d spent so much time together that I’d already realized we wouldn’t work as a couple. BUT it really hurt to later hear he’d *never* been interested, not even when we first became friends.

yoovie

Tell him about your dates, now.

dbrightwell1270

Two thoughts are: how did you say it about not having a romantic interest? I went out drinking with a female friend that I wasn't interested in dating one time. when we were leaving the bar, we ran into some of her friends that asked her if we were out on a date. She started laughing hysterically and said something like Oh God No! I felt so disrespected that I never spoke to her again. My other thought is how much weight have you lost? It's possible he wasn't attracted to you but thought you were nice and now he is attracted to you.

JanieJack

how did you say it about not having a romantic interest? I went out drinking with a female friend that I wasn't interested in dating one time. when we were leaving the bar, we ran into some of her friends that asked her if we were out on a date. She started laughing hysterically and said something like Oh God No! I felt so disrespected that I never spoke to her again.

That really stinks!! I think it speaks highly of your character that you stopped associating with someone who has such a low opinion of you.

You know, sometimes saying things like that can be a defense mechanism. My friend above is the same guy I told the story about how the cafeteria clerk insisted my friend must buy my meal and I insisted we weren't on a date. He looked so incredibly hurt and embarrassed that I quickly added "We're actually going to see the woman he REALLY likes tonight." But his hurt look haunted me, and when our mutual friends said he liked me I began to wonder if they were right. Which hindered our friendship until I finally asked him and he said he wasn’t interested.

Carl01

Being rejected when you are not even trying is not as bad as the real thing but take my word on it...still kind of makes a guy feel crappy.
I know you meant no harm and he probably really doesn`t care but no one likes to hear that an attractive lady doesn`t find them appealing.

Natx83

I would say he def had some sort of feelings for you, or was maybe hopeful of something coming to fruition.

He probably just needs to back away a bit, which is probably what he is doing. It could of been an attempt to make you jealous with the whole over the phone, gentlemen never tells scenario!

Best thing to do, is woman up, talk to him about it. Just do it!

flimflamfloz

when we were leaving the bar, we ran into some of her friends that asked her if we were out on a date. She started laughing hysterically and said something like Oh God No! I felt so disrespected that I never spoke to her again.

At this stage, you do this: smell your armpits and say "Why 'Oh god no'? It is the smell? My last shower was only a week ago!" while laughing/smiling and looking at her. Then she says "Oooh no! I didn't mean it this way X. You are a great person of course!".

missbethea

Tell him about your dates, now.

I don't go on dates I haven't been on a date in 3 years.

Two thoughts are: how did you say it about not having a romantic interest? I went out drinking with a female friend that I wasn't interested in dating one time. when we were leaving the bar, we ran into some of her friends that asked her if we were out on a date. She started laughing hysterically and said something like Oh God No! I felt so disrespected that I never spoke to her again. My other thought is how much weight have you lost? It's possible he wasn't attracted to you but thought you were nice and now he is attracted to you.

I don't think I was quite as cruel as that. I'm pretty sure my exact words were: "They just don't understand that what we have isn't romantic." I didn't make a scene or a fuss about it to the girls, either. I explained our friendship was platonic and let them harp.

At any rate- that seems pretty cruel, to say it like that- as though DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN YOU HAVE ZERO CHANCE WITH MEEEEEE.

I haven't lost that much. I've lost around 20lbs. But I don't feel it's made that big of a difference in my appearance. Most of the women he dates are bombshells. Not to say I'm not pretty- I think I am pretty, and I'm confident in myself- but I know that his usual type are thin bombshells that are super duper gorgeous.

Being rejected when you are not even trying is not as bad as the real thing but take my word on it...still kind of makes a guy feel crappy.
I know you meant no harm and he probably really doesn`t care but no one likes to hear that an attractive lady doesn`t find them appealing.

I hadn't considered that. I never was offended when he would say the same sort of things about me- because it just never crossed my mind that it was rejection. Maybe it was more of a bruise to the go than it was something else.

flamfloz ~ that's hilarious! smooth moves XD