Asking for money instead of gifts

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  • nwhitley
    nwhitley Posts: 619
    OK here's a random question just cause I'm curious. Do you usually spend the same amount of $ for every wedding you have been to? Or do you spend accordingly to the person and how close you are to them, or maybe if they are having a super fancy wedding compared to lets say a court house wedding (where you only went to a small reception for, or something)

    I am attending a wedding next week, its a back yard wedding, no DJ, no flowers but the bride and groom, homemade cake, so it won't be super fancy. The couple lives together and is asking for money then stuff. I really don't like giving money, I don't even have checks ordered right now and don't want to just put cash in a card. Maybe a gift card, hopefully they think that is ok.

    Anyways I don't want people freaking out, I am just curious what some people spend for a wedding gift. I have only been to like two weddings other then mine.

    Thanks!

    Typically, I spend according to how well I know the person. If it's a co worker or a friend that I'm not really close with, then I will find something on the registry between $25-50 dollars, assuming that I already chipped in for a gift for the shower. If its a close friend, then I pick the item on the registry that I would think they would want the most. Then, there are also shower gifts to buy so between the 2 gifts between $100-200 dollars. I don't spend according to what type of wedding, but how close I am to the person.
  • RaeN81
    RaeN81 Posts: 534 Member
    I got invited to a wedding shower with a similar message in the invite (oh, and also asked to bring food to it). Though I understand the rationale, it still felt rude---they even suggested the amount. Personally, I am glad that I won't be attending because I have a race that morning instead.
  • Anthonydaman
    Anthonydaman Posts: 854 Member
    I would much rather cut a check than chase down a gift
  • stargazer008
    stargazer008 Posts: 531
    I feel it's rude to ask for money, just be happy with what you get!
  • sleibo87
    sleibo87 Posts: 403 Member
    I got invited to a wedding shower with a similar message in the invite (oh, and also asked to bring food to it). Though I understand the rationale, it still felt rude---they even suggested the amount. Personally, I am glad that I won't be attending because I have a race that morning instead.
    .




    Are you freakin serious!! Wow idk about a potluck for a wedding, and you cant tell someone how much to spend. wow wow
  • Rockin_Robyn
    Rockin_Robyn Posts: 40 Member
    I don't see anything wrong with it... saves time having to return 3 of the same gift because people can never seem to remember to scan the registry at check out...
    A better idea yet....
    There are some vacation agents/vacation resort websites that offer your guests the chance to pay for an experience during your honeymoon - example: your aunt paid for you to enjoy a 30 min couples massage or your neighbor got you and yours a bottle of wine and strawberries they can choose for it to be a surprise or not and they can even include a personal card to be presented to you when you arrive... this idea I think is a little more personal than just asking for cash and gift cards..
  • jus_in_bello
    jus_in_bello Posts: 326 Member
    I think it's a little tacky, I second the whole "just don't register" theory.

    My favorite wedding tradition is that in some Mennonite churches the groom's men would push the groom into the bathroom, steal his pants, and refuse to give them back until the guests had given stuffed a certain amount of money into the now groom-less pants.
  • rhonniema
    rhonniema Posts: 522 Member
    I would much rather cut a check than chase down a gift
  • montana_girl
    montana_girl Posts: 1,403 Member
    Okay, this is just MY opnion, but I think it's crass and rude to assume that someone plans on buying you a gift or giving you money for any event (wedding, baby shower, etc). But that's just me...

    I have actually known people who skip going to events because at the time they had no money in their budget for the "right" gift or what they felt was needed to reciprocate for the event. I feel the event is share the moment, not about money or gifts. But again, that just me...

    And as for the comments that "weddings are expensive," yes, they are. But if the couple can't afford it, then don't have a big, fancy, eleborate wedding. They should have a wedding they can afford.

    Just my .02 cents..... From someone who had a very nice, low-key, what-we-could-afford wedding last fall. :smile:
  • dayone987
    dayone987 Posts: 645 Member
    I'm going to my cousins wedding in a couple of weeks, and got a card with the exact same message on!

    I don't have a problem with it myself, I'd rather get a gift,

    And that's my issue with it. Right there. You'd rather buy them a gift, but their request (demand) has guilted you into giving something you'd prefer not to give. Even if in the end it works out fine, and you are glad that they are able to buy something they need/want, you have acted contrary to what you wanted to do because they have inappropriately told you what to get them, when a gift is a gesture on the part of the giver, not an entitlement on the part of the receiver.

    Further - the request for cash puts people on a limited budget in a really poor position. If Aunt Mildred wants to get the couple a really nice gift she can shop around for a great price, use coupons, find a sale, use a store gift card that she has and get a $50 item for half price. But I (sadly) know many couples that would turn their noses up at and belittle a $25 cash gift. Afterall, they *gasp* paid $150 a plate for Mildred to eat - what a cheapskate! It's kind of pathetic that so many people think that getting married means they get to rake in the dough. And so many people spend beyond their means to foster that idea and give couples money or gifts outside of what they are comfortable with just to save face. It's wonderful when one's family and friends are generous (and can afford to be) in their gifting in celebration of marriage, but seems like some couples just have weddings for the loot. God forbid a guest just show up and celebrate and give a card, or a small amount of money - well, let the trash talking begin.

    Are you joking about the "rake in the dough" comment?

    You do know on average, couples spend 20K on a wedding, right?

    Most likely, they aren't "raking in the dough", they just feel lucky if they pay off even half of what they paid for you to be there.

    If someone is going to a REALLY nice wedding, with great food and all inclusive drinks all night, if the couple wants cash instead of gifts, the person shouldn't sit there and claim that it's going straight into the couples bank account... because its not.

    No, I'm not joking. I'm well aware what the average couple pays for a wedding. I wasn't insinuating that anyone ever breaks even based on monetary gifts or even comes close, but the mindset is there. The mindset that monetary gifts are to offset the cost of hosting. You host an event to provide hospitatlity. It is not the job of the guests to offset those costs. It is the job of the host to provide within their means. There are too many people that have been convinced that proper etiquette demands that you give an amount that would cover the cost of your meal. Many guests believe this, and many couples believe this. Forget the fact that you couldn't possibly know what the hosts have spent on a meal so it's impossible, it's also a totally wrong. When hosts expect to recoup even part of their costs, the end result is both diminished hospitality as well as diminished appreciation of gift giving and receiving. The price of a wedding and the value of gifts need to be forever unlinked in people's minds.

    Agree, that's why we call the invited people "guests" .
  • bakz4
    bakz4 Posts: 64 Member
    I think coming right out and ASKing for cash is pretty tacky. However, where I live, cash wedding gifts are pretty common. And can be pretty pricy at that...your gift is "supposed' to cover the cost of your plate at the reception! In my parts, it's downright expensive!!
  • swthrtsmrf
    swthrtsmrf Posts: 384
    While this may be the normal thing now a days, I find it to be rude and tacky. I am more of a traditionalist and believe a couple should be appreciative of their gift whether it be a real gift, a gift card, or money. But to ask people to give money or contribute to the honeymoon fund and list their travel agent is rude and tacky. I think now a days the idea of etiquette and manners have gone completly away. I recently went to a wedding where the couple asked for people to donate to the honeymoon fund and listed their travel agent, that I have yet to give them a gift. Which myself I know is rude on my part, but in leau of a gift, I am giving them a gift card for them to purchase an item for their boat instead. Something not asked for, but something I know they would use. And while we are talking about money giving, the dollar dance is tacky also. The only neat thing about it is the bride and groom get a moment to dance with their guests, but the guests should not have to pay to do this.
  • jgondor
    jgondor Posts: 145 Member
    i had never heard of wishing wells until i started planning my own wedding. we used a short wishing well poem on my shower invites that explained we were saving for a house, but we also had a small registry for people who preferred to buy gifts.
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
    Okay, this is just MY opnion, but I think it's crass and rude to assume that someone plans on buying you a gift or giving you money for any event (wedding, baby shower, etc). But that's just me...

    I have actually known people who skip going to events because at the time they had no money in their budget for the "right" gift or what they felt was needed to reciprocate for the event. I feel the event is share the moment, not about money or gifts. But again, that just me...

    And as for the comments that "weddings are expensive," yes, they are. But if the couple can't afford it, then don't have a big, fancy, eleborate wedding. They should have a wedding they can afford.

    Just my .02 cents..... From someone who had a very nice, low-key, what-we-could-afford wedding last fall. :smile:

    THIS!!! ^^. Thank you! Anything other than this you may as well sell tickets for admittance. Either they are your GUESTS (do i need to define?) or paying customers. If they are paying customers just sell tickets so you can recoup the cost of your wedding. I am not sure how it became the guests responsibilty to pay for a wedding they did not plan though, but ok.
  • Kany
    Kany Posts: 336
    Same here.

    I am Russian and in our culture everyone leaves at least $50-100 in cash/check in the card. I think its rude just to give 20 bucks for a wedding considering most weddings now days are at least $100 per person.

    Its practical and people don't end up in debt for weddings. You don't really ask for it either, it's just implied in my culture.

    I haven't registered anywhere for my wedding (in August), I figured that would give a hint, but I am not going to straight up ask for it unless someone keeps pestering me about what I want.

    Our culture is the same. We don't put it on our invitations but it's implied.
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    Oh goodness, I was gonna ask people for money instead of gifts for my wedding...considering the responses I've seen in this thread I guess I'll just have to do a registry and have to hope I don't get duplicates of anything or that they at least put in the gift receipt in the box. I didn't realize so many people have such strong feelings about this. Why should it matter? You were gonna spend money on the couple anyway right? I think it saves time to just ask for money instead. That's all we give graduates from college and high school. Why is this any different? >.<
  • txlissa62
    txlissa62 Posts: 128
    There's a difference between a guest giving cash and the bridge and groom asking for it.

    Giving cash for a wedding gift? Perfectly fine, a lovely thing to do.

    A bride and groom asking for it? Extremely tacky, rude, vulgar - I could go on. A wedding is not a fundraiser, and there should not be a cover charge. It's a celebration of your union. You're asking people to share your special day. If your wedding is so expensive that you need your guests to help pay for it, you should have a smaller wedding. Gifts should never, ever even be mentioned, unless it's in a shower invitation or the couple is asked directly. (And the shower should not be given by family members.)

    The key here is that couples are never supposed to ASK for gifts - whether it's money or material things. Registries are fine - but only mentioned in shower invitations or when the couple is asked.

    Just because more people are doing it, doesn't make it acceptable etiquette.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,902 Member
    Oh goodness, I was gonna ask people for money instead of gifts for my wedding...considering the responses I've seen in this thread I guess I'll just have to do a registry and have to hope I don't get duplicates of anything or that they at least put in the gift receipt in the box. I didn't realize so many people have such strong feelings about this. Why should it matter? You were gonna spend money on the couple anyway right? I think it saves time to just ask for money instead. That's all we give graduates from college and high school. Why is this any different? >.<
    Pretend you're not American and you'll get a pass.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,902 Member
    And as for the comments that "weddings are expensive," yes, they are. But if the couple can't afford it, then don't have a big, fancy, eleborate wedding. They should have a wedding they can afford.
    I lol'd at this because EVERY groom I know will say at one time or another during the prep "do we really need to do/pay for that?"


    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    Oh goodness, I was gonna ask people for money instead of gifts for my wedding...considering the responses I've seen in this thread I guess I'll just have to do a registry and have to hope I don't get duplicates of anything or that they at least put in the gift receipt in the box. I didn't realize so many people have such strong feelings about this. Why should it matter? You were gonna spend money on the couple anyway right? I think it saves time to just ask for money instead. That's all we give graduates from college and high school. Why is this any different? >.<
    Pretend you're not American and you'll get a pass.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    Good luck with that. :laugh:

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