Over weight and Married....... Not so happly ever after

slacker80

Pardon me for playing the man role here for a moment. I have also been living with my other for over 8 years now and have a 7 year old child with her. From the start we were both pretty much an evenly matched pair with more than a couple pounds over.

A few years ago I got tired of my lifestyle of xbox, junk food, and beer, and I decided to do something about it and get a gym membership. I tried to get my GF started as well by not being too direct and saying something like " hey why don't you get a membership too, so that we can spend some more time together outside the house" Immediately this was percieved as me calling her the "F" word.
After our child was born in 2005 she had continuosly put on weight year after year. I will be honest by admiting that this did infact concern me on many levels. Her confidence was falling, I was worried about her health and how far she was going to take it, than our love life began taking a plunge, almost dramaticlly. Part of a person being sexy, is just as much worth as feeling or acting sexy, and she wasn't liking herself too much anymore. So although I was always able to look beyond her physical attributes It was a double wammy because the sex appeal/desire was nearly completely faded with her not even trying anymore.

Later she admitted to me that she didn't feel good enough anymore because I had lost a great amount of weight and gotten into great shape, so she was left feeling even more ugly and envious. many little fights erupted durring this time a few years ago, and at times I acted like the king of all jerks because I began to come down hard on her about her weight.
She picked up on all my stupid silly little comments I would make when a model type figure would be on TV or something. She also asked me what my ideal woman looked like, and I know I failed the test

Now...fortunately within the past two years or so things have changed. Yeah I like girls with an athletic, or petite type of body, and as a guy I probably won't ever stop liking things like that. But when in public I've learned to GLANCE not Stare, as well as never making silly little comments about my ideal woman anymore. I realized that the majority of the things I have said or done in the past has affected the way she feels about herself today and it's heart breaking.

These last two years now I must remind her that I don't wan't a petite girl, or the athletic girl if it's not going to be her. I would much rather take her any way I can than to lose the only girl that gets me and has given me soo much. When I get thoes special moments I embrace her, look into her eyes, and treat her as if she's the only woman left.
She stablized her weight for over a year now, and her confidence has gone up. Things have been so great now and there is plenty of passion back in our lives. As a matter of fact we ultimately decided to have a second child. She's in her 5th month now and even though there's a bun in the oven we're still going at it like it's the end of the world.

Now she has come to me asking for support after the baby is born, and is optomistic about joing a gym for the first time in her life. My biggest regret was attacking her weight, durring little fights. it was completely the wrong way to go at it and I'll apologize a million times to her and every other woman who has ever taken this abuse. Lifes lessons always suck!

I don't know what else to say but take all thoes horrible feelings of discontent, and frustration and mustar up the courage to flip it into something positive and say enough is enough. Do what you need to do.. Tell him you want support, you need love to make it happen, and to understand or take a hike if he doesn't get it, and find someone who does. Much luck to any of you that deal with this and I wish you all happiness for 2013.

suziphene

There will always be plenty of advice on whether you should or shouldn't but we all react differently and none of us can second guess how we will feel and thus what should be said in the same circumstances, and no matter how circumstances may seem the same they are not because individuals are different. Listen to peoples views but the only thing that is important is how you feel and how you want things to turn out then try to find a way to do that. Aim to have no regrets and know that you have done everything you can to achieve your most desired outcome.

I tried and failed but and it leaves a terrible sadness in my soul but it would be worse if I had not tried my utmost for things to be different.
















I know no stone was left unturned

AliciaStaton

All i can add is

1 Lose the weight for you and to become more healthily

2 Be a good mum to your little girl

3 If you both love each other get some help

4 If he is just been a jerk get rid of him

5 Dont go looking for love, work on your Self Esteem first because if you dont you will only attract another loser

Janelle173

Pardon me for playing the man role here for a moment. I have also been living with my other for over 8 years now and have a 7 year old child with her. From the start we were both pretty much an evenly matched pair with more than a couple pounds over.

A few years ago I got tired of my lifestyle of xbox, junk food, and beer, and I decided to do something about it and get a gym membership. I tried to get my GF started as well by not being too direct and saying something like " hey why don't you get a membership too, so that we can spend some more time together outside the house" Immediately this was percieved as me calling her the "F" word.
After our child was born in 2005 she had continuosly put on weight year after year. I will be honest by admiting that this did infact concern me on many levels. Her confidence was falling, I was worried about her health and how far she was going to take it, than our love life began taking a plunge, almost dramaticlly. Part of a person being sexy, is just as much worth as feeling or acting sexy, and she wasn't liking herself too much anymore. So although I was always able to look beyond her physical attributes It was a double wammy because the sex appeal/desire was nearly completely faded with her not even trying anymore.

Later she admitted to me that she didn't feel good enough anymore because I had lost a great amount of weight and gotten into great shape, so she was left feeling even more ugly and envious. many little fights erupted durring this time a few years ago, and at times I acted like the king of all jerks because I began to come down hard on her about her weight.
She picked up on all my stupid silly little comments I would make when a model type figure would be on TV or something. She also asked me what my ideal woman looked like, and I know I failed the test

Now...fortunately within the past two years or so things have changed. Yeah I like girls with an athletic, or petite type of body, and as a guy I probably won't ever stop liking things like that. But when in public I've learned to GLANCE not Stare, as well as never making silly little comments about my ideal woman anymore. I realized that the majority of the things I have said or done in the past has affected the way she feels about herself today and it's heart breaking.

These last two years now I must remind her that I don't wan't a petite girl, or the athletic girl if it's not going to be her. I would much rather take her any way I can than to lose the only girl that gets me and has given me soo much. When I get thoes special moments I embrace her, look into her eyes, and treat her as if she's the only woman left.
She stablized her weight for over a year now, and her confidence has gone up. Things have been so great now and there is plenty of passion back in our lives. As a matter of fact we ultimately decided to have a second child. She's in her 5th month now and even though there's a bun in the oven we're still going at it like it's the end of the world.

Now she has come to me asking for support after the baby is born, and is optomistic about joing a gym for the first time in her life. My biggest regret was attacking her weight, durring little fights. it was completely the wrong way to go at it and I'll apologize a million times to her and every other woman who has ever taken this abuse. Lifes lessons always suck!

I don't know what else to say but take all thoes horrible feelings of discontent, and frustration and mustar up the courage to flip it into something positive and say enough is enough. Do what you need to do.. Tell him you want support, you need love to make it happen, and to understand or take a hike if he doesn't get it, and find someone who does. Much luck to any of you that deal with this and I wish you all happiness for 2013.

This was a very honest and touching response. I really appreciate the journey you have gone through in realizing how to be supportive and loving. Thank you for sharing

RekindledRose

Don't give up on your marriage!

This could be a good thing ~ now there's a rather minor crisis and you can both get through it and get stronger. Once people settle into marriage they do tend to forget who they are as individuals, especially once kids come around. You can both work on yourselves and continue to grow closer to each other by making time to do physically fun things together.

Walk, ride bikes, work out together. Pretend like you're dating again! Spend time falling back in love. Marriage is not easy; I've been married for 19 years, and it's hard work and conscious effort, but remember that you married for better and for worse. Your marriage is what you both make of it.

Many people won't work on their health until the divorce is over or someone has an affair (or both). This can be a good time for you to reassess who YOU want to be, and make plans to be that woman.

Prayers and best wishes for you and your man!!

jmm774

It's easy for someone to say "move on, leave him" when they're not in your situation. It's not so easy to leave a 7 year marriage and break up your child's home.

I do however agree that his lack of support could be causing your weight issues.

Figure out a way to lose weight for you, get healthy, not skinny, get some support. Weight Watchers worked for me after I gained almost 100 lbs after having my daughter.

You ~may~, once you are feeling more confident again, realize you shouldn't have to put up with such a jerk (sorry).

Graelwyn75

This thread is kinda making me sick. You have an 8 1/2 year marriage that everyone is telling you to just give up on seemingly just for a weight issue. You said yourself that you have let yourself go. I am willing to bet that the reason that he doesnt find you sexy anymore is because you no longer feel sexy yourself. There is also a difference between marrying someone that is a plus size girl and then having her turn into obese or morbidly obese. You shouldnt be losing weight for him you should be doing it for you however it will benefit you both. Not just in how you look but your confidence will grow and trust me so will your sex life.

I married a plus size girl and she gained a lot of weight after we got married and I felt myself kinda drifting from her not because she was getting bigger. But because she wasnt taking care of herself and being the person that I married. No matter how hard I tried to convey to her that her weight was not the issue she still took it as that. I hope you can see that if you want your marriage to work you need to work on yourself you cant change him. However you may see more benefits coming from you changing in that department.

PS all guys fantasize about women of all shapes and especially the hot ones. I would imagine women do the same. It is more about your insecurities with yourself that youre not able to deal with this. Just because he fantasizes does not mean that he doesnt completely love you for who you are

This was a good reply!!!

I agree.
I am sure he still very much loves the person inside, but physical attraction is a somewhat separate thing, imo.

Samerah12

I've DATED men who weren't very attracted to me and that was absolutely shredding to my self esteem, I cannot even imagine being married to a guy like that for as long as you have. Get out of there.

sarahg148

I've DATED men who weren't very attracted to me and that was absolutely shredding to my self esteem, I cannot even imagine being married to a guy like that for as long as you have. Get out of there.

I don't understand why you would date somebody who wasn't attracted to you and vice versa. Overall this thread just makes me sad.

dmpizza

Sorry for your issues.

I know a navy wife with a very very similar story. Her marriage ended when she was 65 and well over 300 pounds.

I recommend you do whatever is needed for you to lose weight to a size YOU like, and go from there.

s0devi0us

i was married to a guy like that once. i dieted for the wrong reasons. i got down to a size 6 and still didnt feel skinny because of these negative things he would put in my head. im now remarried to a guy who doesnt care about size, and finally i feel like im dieting for all the right reasons. health! good luck, and never settle with something that makes you feel bad. (:

heygirl1000

I have read your story and I have read some of the comments and cant believe in what some people are saying. Everyone has an opinion but you have to do what is right for you and your kids.

You have to put you first - if he joins your ride then fine but if he doesnt you need to take the convertible and run! Always remember to take care of you and your kids first.

Do you feel good about yourself? Do you like yourself? What do you see when you truly look in the mirror? Only you can answer those questions and only you can make choices for you.

If you are not happy then make the lifestyle change and do something to make yourself happy. If you think changing your lifestyle is what you want then do it!! Not for him but for you! If he is a looker now he will always been looking.

Love yourself first! (then dump the dirt bag and lets go dirt biking! LOL)

clarkeje1

Sounds like a complicated situation. I would say you should go to couples counseling first thing. Second I would decide if you want to lose the weight for yourself. If you like your body how it is, then I would say you should find someone who can appreciate you for you. If not, then lose the weight but don't just do it to please him. Do it to please yourself.

chubbygirl253

Ah yes forgot to add that... I asked him why he married me if he was not into bigger girls. I said did you secretly hope I would loss the weight and become something you liked better? He said Yes.......

He sounds like a douchecanoe. Move on. Living in a loveless, sexless marriage ? No way. Never again. My ex was like that. And he cheated. Whatever. I'm so much happier without him. You should move on. Don't let any man make u feel like you aren't good enough. You deserve better.

KrazyAsianNic

It's always hard when you have people against you, especially your love/spouse.

When losing weight, you really have to want to lose it for yourself adn no one else. If he doesn't love you know for who/what you are, will you ever be perfect to him?

Maybe it's time to reevaluate your life and maybe try some time apart from him. It does seem like some people will go with you as you are now. Finding someone who will support and love you no matter what should be more important. Although, things can get rough if there's a little girl also in the picture.

Best of luck to you. If you need a friend for motivation, or just someone to talk to, add me.

Simone_King

Tell your husband that if he wants you to lose weight he has to suport you and love you for the way you are. There is no way, (maybe but what do I know about your body type? ) that you would ever be a size four.

Honestly, he's just being the worlds biggest jack *kitten* in my view. Yes, you have a weight issue but who doesn't. At lest you ARE TRYING! to lose the weight. If he thinks a 100 pounds will just melt off in no time that he needs a wake up call.

I can't say what's right for you or the kids considering you do have them to consider but frankly, I think you need to sit down and have a very honest talk with this man.

If he isn't going to suport you than he needs to back off. It isn't fair that he is causing you to feel this way.

My parents (yes I still live with them.) got on my case for x number of years because I let my weight get out of hand. However, it was my choice, not theirs, to lose this weight.

So, you're next step is to soul search, find the reason why you really want to lose, and just do it. Now, if you find that reason go and do it. Get back at him and prove to this guy that you can be dam sexy...

WHAT EVER SIZE YOU ARE!

Frankly, I want to take a frying pan to his head. How dear he do that to you. HOW DEAR HE!

Poorgirls_Diet

I would love some support, Honest feed back and just about anything at this point LOL. I Have been with my husband for 8 1/2 years and it has been a roller coaster! I was a happy go luck plus size girl when he met me. I have however let "things" get in the way of that and have slowly gained about 100lb since then, Most in the last 6 years after having our daughter. I am a size 24. I am working on losing weight but have been resenting the fact that everyone wants this (i feel) more than I do.... Back story. About 4 months into our relationship he went out to sea for 6 months..... when he returned I ended up asking him a question one night... I asked him who he fantasized about. Ya know Pam Anderson and girls like that.... well here I am all sexy at a size 14 and he says the girl I worked with, some girl on his boat, and the waitress at our bar! All size 4.... I was Shocked, to say the least. Learned a good lesson in don't ask a question you don't really want the answer to! I cried and felt awful. I asked him if he had an issue with my weight, he said yes.... Of coarse i flipped out and was like, then why the hell are you dating me..... fast forward to now. We have a very rocky relationship and I don't want to bore you with all the details, but for the last 7 years we have been fighting about the lack of sex in our marriage (a hand full a year) and of coarse I feel its because he is not attracted to me. He has spent the last 8 years trying to convince me that he didn't mean what he said and he thinks I'm sexy. Till about a month ago. He broke down and said he has a big problem with how I look and feels like I will not lose it just to despite him. I asked him when the last time he found me sexy and he said 8 years ago.... I am crushed. I feel hurt and ugly and disgusting. I feel like, to be honest, I have to loss over a 100lbs just to get some lovin! And I am afraid that once I do I will resent his for it or possible spend the rest of my life wondering if I am good enough "yet" for him. It hurts more when people flirt with me and tell me they find me attractive but I have to go home to a man who rejects me and turns to porn for his satisfaction. I am just lost. Never in a million year would I think I would allow another person to make me feel such low self esteem. And I am upset at myself for all of it.

Thanks for letting me vent!

I so know what you mean hun as I am exactly in the same boat! My own self confidence was rock bottom and I finally asked myself, what parts of my body do I love the most. I couldn't find any, when I looked in the mirror I felt disgust. My husband didn't sleep with me for 16 months but instead went and had an affair. When I found out he said it was my fault because I was fat and ugly. He used to be a feeder as well, bringing home takeaways when he was having his affair and then criticise me in front of this other woman! He also used to compare models on the tv as well and even someone a size 12 was still too fat.

I asked him what size would be like me to be and he replied a size 0 so I held open the front door for him and told him to go. I have no intentions of losing this weight for him and if you want to lose it hunny make sure its for yourself because you are right you will regret staying with him because of the way he treats you. Not all men are dogs and there are some nice guys out there who will accept you for what you are!

Learn to love yourself and your flaws but YOU would want to need this more. Now if you want to give your husband a chance if you think he deserves it then he should support you 100% and help you. He should be there through the thick and the thin. My husband married me overweight so it was a huge shock to realize that he never felt me attractive. But maybe your fella is different and I sincerly hope that he is but he would really want to change his attitude around you as well!!

You are welcome to add me as friend hun and I will support you as much as I can in the virtual world!

Toya2xcel

I'm sorry if you are feeling down about this. Us women are emotional beings but I think its important to try to separate your emotions from this situation. But just listen to what he is saying, he said "I am not physically attracted to you anymore", he didn't say "I don't love you anymore." I can understand why this would upset you because I know it would upset me too. BUT lets just be straightforward for a second, men like to be stimulated visually.I think there are many people in this situation; they get married, get comfortable and the weight creeps up. I do believe that you should love the person you married unconditionally regardless of things like weight ,but honestly, your spouse cant force himself to be physically attracted to you. It just doesn't work that way.

You and your husband are supposed to be one flesh, I don't think there was anything wrong with what he said as he was being honest with you about his feelings. When you really love someone you tell them the truth. (please know that I am not condoning verbal abuse or being a jerk!) What I think is wrong is that he took so long to say it, 8 years is a long time to hold that in and withhold sex from your spouse. That is wrong! You are not a mind reader, so how were you to know how he was feeling?, he had no right "punishing" you in that way. If you want to lose weight then do it for you. If you don't want to lose the weight then your husband has told you how he feels about it and you cant be surprised if you have another 8 years like the last.

jkcrawford

I'm sorry he is making you feel rotten. I would kick his sorry a** to the curb. If he wanted someone that was a size 4 that is what he should have married. Don't stay with him for the kids, that never works. Here is your option...........see ya, don't let the door hit you on the way out.........then go do what is best for you.

desiv2

Lose the weight anyway, not for him, but for you. I wont tell you to divorce him, that is something that is entirely between you and your husband. I will say, however, that you guys may need some marriage counseling to really figure out what is going on. I find it hard to believe a guy would marry you just because he hopes you'll magically look like his dream girl one day.

by the way... I wouldn't freak out about him telling you about those other girls. You did ask him after all, and if he had asked you who you fantasize about.. would you not say Channing Tatum? I'm willing to be he isn't Channing Tatum. Don't take that one too hard.