Do we end up like our parents?
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This thread took a very interesting turn.
I will confess something I don't love about myself. Mental illness, in pretty much every form, scares me to no small amount.
I am highly (over) sensitive to other people's emotions..and tend to feed off them to some extent. I am pretty terrified of being pulled down into that spiral of other people's depression /other challenges. I don't have it or understand it, at all.
And yet..the funny thing is.. I can be attracted to people that deal with this. I haven't yet figured out whether I want to save them, identify a little with them, or just see the potential too greatly. Inevitably, I push for more emotional connection and vulnerability than they are ever comfortable to give..and am blunt about my own issues, which tends to not allow them to forget their own.
Perhaps if I was already in love with someone and the issue developed it would be different. But currently, as I am single.. I absolutely maintain the right to decide on whether or not I enter a relationship where I would have to deal with this. I have always joked with friends that I needed to be the most "messed up one" in my relationship (not trying to be derogatory here at all)..and that is still probably true.
Sure.. love is important.. but equally so is emotional/mental self-preservation, knowing your limits and loving yourself first and foremost.0 -
rantragesnip
I have at no point said anything other than:
snip
We are all fighting the same fight here, with different methodologies, of trying to find an optimal partner.
So, no, I don't accept to be told I'm "shallow".
Not much a surprise, but I wasn't really directing that whole tirade to you. Rather, the bandwagoners that thought to hop aboard your message for whatever reason.
I don't have a problem with deal breakers. I get it, I have my own. But breaking up with someone and judging them entirely based on their parentage is shallow, limited and silly. I'm certainly not saying that people should completely disregard family - but judge a person based on how her mom looks is different than worrying about health issues or not wanting to be around dysfunctional family members.
So yeah, we agree.0 -
With that slight modification we agree completely.I'm certainly not saying that people should completely disregard family - but for me to judge a person based on how her mom looks is different (for me) than worrying about health issues or not wanting to be around dysfunctional family members (for me).
Give to other people the possibility of choosing THEIR own deal breakers.
Look isn't one for you? Good.
Look is a deal breaker for this person over here? Good for him.
To add: not all deal breakers are born equal and will lead to the same number of relationships, admittedly.0 -
With that slight modification we agree completely.I'm certainly not saying that people should completely disregard family - but for me to judge a person based on how her mom looks is different (for me) than worrying about health issues or not wanting to be around dysfunctional family members (for me).
Give to other people the possibility of choosing THEIR own deal breakers.
Look isn't one for you? Good.
Look is a deal breaker for this person over here? Good for him.
SO CLOSE.
People can choose their own deal breakers. Some deal breakers are more shallow than others. Large amounts of primarily shallow deal breakers = shallow person. While I agree that anyone has the right to choose what they desire in another person, we all should understand that it also helps define who we are as a person. Them's the breaks.0 -
There is a big difference in breaking things off because of the way someone's parents look (how the thread started) vs. health issues.
Even so, I'm a bit shocked by some of the comments made on the health side as well.
Just because someone's parent or grandparent had cancer is not a reason to dismiss them. That person may never have cancer in their life and you could be missing out on a great person.
The same with other health issues....my father has heart disease and is bipolar. My 4 brothers and I are tested regularly for both, yet none of us have ever been diagnosed.
But, again. I suppose to each their own.0 -
Where did anyone say they wouldn't date someone with a history of cancer?0
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There is a big difference in breaking things off because of the way someone's parents look (how the thread started) vs. health issues.
Even so, I'm a bit shocked by some of the comments made on the health side as well.
Just because someone's parent or grandparent had cancer is not a reason to dismiss them. That person may never have cancer in their life and you could be missing out on a great person.
The same with other health issues....my father has heart disease and is bipolar. My 4 brothers and I are tested regularly for both, yet none of us have ever been diagnosed.
But, again. I suppose to each their own.
I must have missed the post that said that people should be dismissed because of issues like cancer. I remember someone saying it's something to be aware of and to consider, but not more than that?
I think the same is true for people who have family history of mental illness, the only one I saw is a couple people agreed that they don't have the desire or strength to be with someone that does have bipolar disorder (and similar). But that's unfair to expect everyone to be able to do that, isn't it?0 -
There is a big difference in breaking things off because of the way someone's parents look (how the thread started) vs. health issues.
Even so, I'm a bit shocked by some of the comments made on the health side as well.
Just because someone's parent or grandparent had cancer is not a reason to dismiss them. That person may never have cancer in their life and you could be missing out on a great person.
The same with other health issues....my father has heart disease and is bipolar. My 4 brothers and I are tested regularly for both, yet none of us have ever been diagnosed.
But, again. I suppose to each their own.
I must have missed the post that said that people should be dismissed because of issues like cancer. I remember someone saying it's something to be aware of and to consider, but not more than that?
I think the same is true for people who have family history of mental illness, the only one I saw is a couple people agreed that they don't have the desire or strength to be with someone that does have bipolar disorder (and similar). But that's unfair to expect everyone to be able to do that, isn't it?
Mental and physical health issues can be herditary. So saying you won't get involved with someone because their mother/father has a mental health issue because it would be too hard that to cope with hasn't dealt with people that have physical health issues. Both are long term issues that might or might not show up in someone just because they are related.0 -
There is a big difference in breaking things off because of the way someone's parents look (how the thread started) vs. health issues.
Even so, I'm a bit shocked by some of the comments made on the health side as well.
Just because someone's parent or grandparent had cancer is not a reason to dismiss them. That person may never have cancer in their life and you could be missing out on a great person.
The same with other health issues....my father has heart disease and is bipolar. My 4 brothers and I are tested regularly for both, yet none of us have ever been diagnosed.
But, again. I suppose to each their own.
I must have missed the post that said that people should be dismissed because of issues like cancer. I remember someone saying it's something to be aware of and to consider, but not more than that?
I think the same is true for people who have family history of mental illness, the only one I saw is a couple people agreed that they don't have the desire or strength to be with someone that does have bipolar disorder (and similar). But that's unfair to expect everyone to be able to do that, isn't it?
Mental and physical health issues can be herditary. So saying you won't get involved with someone because their mother/father has a mental health issue because it would be too hard that to cope with hasn't dealt with people that have physical health issues. Both are long term issues that might or might not show up in someone just because they are related.
To be fair though mental issues are more potentially dangerous the physical health issues...... Pscizophrenics in a psychotic break are much more likely to do there SO harm then say someone with a family history of HTN (hypertension)....
Personally after dealing with 1 chronically depressive BF I don't ever have the urge to do it again0 -
Just forget it, I'm pissed off today.0
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There is a big difference in breaking things off because of the way someone's parents look (how the thread started) vs. health issues.
Even so, I'm a bit shocked by some of the comments made on the health side as well.
Just because someone's parent or grandparent had cancer is not a reason to dismiss them. That person may never have cancer in their life and you could be missing out on a great person.
The same with other health issues....my father has heart disease and is bipolar. My 4 brothers and I are tested regularly for both, yet none of us have ever been diagnosed.
But, again. I suppose to each their own.
I must have missed the post that said that people should be dismissed because of issues like cancer. I remember someone saying it's something to be aware of and to consider, but not more than that?
I think the same is true for people who have family history of mental illness, the only one I saw is a couple people agreed that they don't have the desire or strength to be with someone that does have bipolar disorder (and similar). But that's unfair to expect everyone to be able to do that, isn't it?
Mental and physical health issues can be herditary. So saying you won't get involved with someone because their mother/father has a mental health issue because it would be too hard that to cope with hasn't dealt with people that have physical health issues. Both are long term issues that might or might not show up in someone just because they are related.
I didn't say that. I would date someone if they didn't have mental health issues even if their parents did, and I would also not eliminate someone if they had been diagnosed but had it managed and were receiving treatment. As I've said before I have anxiety and manage it - but if someone couldn't handle it when I have a panic attack because someone parked their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store, I wouldn't exactly be upset about that. Just means they need someone more even tempered to complement their own life preferences.0 -
Ruth, I was the one who originally posed the question for the same reason, but noted that no one really answered the physical issue...all the guys, however, jumped on the mental health side because it was easier to answer that someone was 'crazy' and might be wielding a knife...Mental and physical health issues can be herditary. So saying you won't get involved with someone because their mother/father has a mental health issue because it would be too hard that to cope with hasn't dealt with people that have physical health issues. Both are long term issues that might or might not show up in someone just because they are related.
Flim, I quite agree with you that many people use lesser red flags than the parents. And often I roll my eyes and think those are shallow too because I have been through enough to know the difference.In the real world, when we are not simply typing "thoughts" but our @ss is actually on the line, I have seen people mentioning "red flags" which are far more insignificant than "the parents" (people have often reported minor red flags on here).
This is a fair and reasonable statement.Overall, if i am in, I wouldn't leave because of the what ifs. If I am just getting to know someone and it looks like it will develop beyond someone to go out have fun with, then I would seriously consider long term health implications. Whether they be hereditary or from lifestyle.
But, my follow up question to it is: How far in would you most likely be before you learned some of the history? Or, if you had anything concerning in your family history, when would you feel it appropriate to mention?0 -
The beauty of it all is we each get to choose for ourselves. I dont care if anyone thinks I am a champion of the people or a shallow monster, still my choice.0
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Can I add to this that as a person who has been passed by due at least in part because of parent health issues (yeah,I know
) I can`t honestly blame any lady for that.
It is something to consider if a person is going to be committed to the everyday care of a person and I don`t see that as shallow at all.0 -
This is a fair and reasonable statement.Overall, if i am in, I wouldn't leave because of the what ifs. If I am just getting to know someone and it looks like it will develop beyond someone to go out have fun with, then I would seriously consider long term health implications. Whether they be hereditary or from lifestyle.
But, my follow up question to it is: How far in would you most likely be before you learned some of the history? Or, if you had anything concerning in your family history, when would you feel it appropriate to mention?
I think it depends on the relationship. There are phases in a relationship between the time of being a monogamous couple to thinking about getting married to actually proposing and eventually getting married. I would suspect conversations about long term implications to come about before proposing.0 -
I always heard that a guy will look more like his mother, and a girl looks more like her father. I don't think tihat's true though. It's completely random imo.0
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I always heard that a guy will look more like his mother, and a girl looks more like her father. I don't think tihat's true though. It's completely random imo.
It is completely random. Based on genes and which/how many manifest from each parent. My sister looks more like my mother, and I look more like my father... but I also have very Spanish traits which comes from my mothers side of the family... so I look like a Spanish version of my father. My sister and I both have my dads eyes.0
