Spousal abuse from a male perspective

UsedToBeHusky
UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
Heavy topic... but I'm curious. Are there any men out there that will admit to having been abused by their wife (or ex-wife)? How did it affect you? Did you get therapy? Are you still affected by it? How did it affect your future relationships if you are divorced?
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Replies

  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    I have a friend who has been in this type of relationship and is struggling years after it has ended. Just trying to get an understanding so that I can find ways to help... not sure why anyone would find judgment with this. :huh:
  • TheBeerRunner
    TheBeerRunner Posts: 2,777 Member
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  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
    I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.

    Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...
  • sars_68
    sars_68 Posts: 308 Member
    Very interesting post and I will be keen to see the other replies.

    My brother is in a relationship at the moment which I think is abusive. More emotional than physical as far as I can tell, but who knows. I am desperate for him to get out, but unfortunately I think it's a helpless cause until the person themselves say they've had enough.

    I hope you find a way to help your friend - they are lucky to have you looking out for them. :flowerforyou:
  • d2footballJRC
    d2footballJRC Posts: 2,684 Member
    Heavy topic... but I'm curious. Are there any men out there that will admit to having been abused by their wife (or ex-wife)? How did it affect you? Did you get therapy? Are you still affected by it? How did it affect your future relationships if you are divorced?

    I was verbally abused quite a bit. I put up with it for a long time, I always assumed it was just something I should take and accept. Every little thing would send her off the deep end.

    No therapy, and I kicked the person to the curb.
  • angelwings0110
    angelwings0110 Posts: 45 Member
    After living in an abusive marriage for several years, I can say the best way to deal with it is to talk about it. He has got to not blame himself for the "abuse" and remember there are good women out there that will treat him right. I had a really hard time getting over the control factor after leaving my husband. I actually moved to another state for 12 years. The guy I started dating and am now married to had to remind me that I had started controlling him and acted as though I had to tell/ask him anytime I did anything. It will get better. It just takes a very long time. And you never get over it. It made me stronger
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    Heavy topic... but I'm curious. Are there any men out there that will admit to having been abused by their wife (or ex-wife)? How did it affect you? Did you get therapy? Are you still affected by it? How did it affect your future relationships if you are divorced?

    I was verbally abused quite a bit. I put up with it for a long time, I always assumed it was just something I should take and accept. Every little thing would send her off the deep end.

    No therapy, and I kicked the person to the curb.

    Been missing you around here. :flowerforyou:
  • RobynLB83
    RobynLB83 Posts: 626 Member
    I worked in a DV clinic interviewing victims to help them write up their declarations to the judge for restraining orders. I think there is a lot more DV against men than is reported. A few things I noticed. Men in physically abusive relationships tended to stay, downplay the violence, and put up with it because they were big strong guys and figured they could "just take it." They also tended to feel a lot of compassion for the abusive women-- feel sorry for them because they had "problems," or came from abusive families, "didn't know better," etc. For some reason, a lot of these guys were stabbed by their wives or girlfriends. That seemed to be a pattern with female abusers.

    They were all really nice guys; they thought they were helping by staying in an abusive relationship. I don't know how they fared afterwards, but anyone who has been in an abusive relationship needs plenty of time to process what happened, figure out why they were in that situation, and heal. There should be local resources for DV victims, and your friend should really seek out some support. People end up with PTSD from DV. It's not something to ignore just because the victim is a man. The psychological trauma DV does is serious, and victims really should get some kind of therapy to help them sort it out.
  • nomeejerome
    nomeejerome Posts: 2,616 Member
    I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.

    Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...

    It can be extremely difficult to convince someone they need help, especially a man. (and I say that simply from the stigma of men seeking help) Overall, it is up to the person to decide that *they need help, but it *is pretty awesome if they have a support system.

    ETA* (not enough coffee :smile: )
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
    I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.

    Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...

    Something will eventually click but let him talk if he's so inclined. It's a pretty humiliating thing to go through as it flies in the face of everything most men are taught about relationships with women. He may have some deeply rooted issues from growing up, or he may simply be a guy in love with his wife who is very confused by what is happening. Just let him talk and he may eventually realize that she isn't going to change. Or she'll continue to get worse and then he'll leave.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
    I know someone who was in a relationship like this, too. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for a man because it's not just that they can't hit back. They can't do ANYTHING that would leave any kind of mark on a woman. Even just trying to restrain her could put bruises on her, and good luck explaining to the cops why she has bruises and you have scratches all over your face.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,454 Member
    On a lighter note, I feel husbands are verbally abused every day...........................................we just don't hear it.:laugh:

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    I worked in a DV clinic interviewing victims to help them write up their declarations to the judge for restraining orders. I think there is a lot more DV against men than is reported. A few things I noticed. Men in physically abusive relationships tended to stay, downplay the violence, and put up with it because they were big strong guys and figured they could "just take it." They also tended to feel a lot of compassion for the abusive women-- feel sorry for them because they had "problems," or came from abusive families, "didn't know better," etc. For some reason, a lot of these guys were stabbed by their wives or girlfriends. That seemed to be a pattern with female abusers.

    They were all really nice guys; they thought they were helping by staying in an abusive relationship. I don't know how they fared afterwards, but anyone who has been in an abusive relationship needs plenty of time to process what happened, figure out why they were in that situation, and heal. There should be local resources for DV victims, and your friend should really seek out some support. People end up with PTSD from DV. It's not something to ignore just because the victim is a man. The psychological trauma DV does is serious, and victims really should get some kind of therapy to help them sort it out.

    I know... I'm actually a DV victim myself. I fled to a domestic violence shelter so therapy was provided for me, and like you said, it's different for men. Most men are already reluctant to get therapy when they need it, but its like admitting that being abused by a woman is a blow to their ego so they avoid therapy.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.

    Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...

    Something will eventually click but let him talk if he's so inclined. It's a pretty humiliating thing to go through as it flies in the face of everything most men are taught about relationships with women. He may have some deeply rooted issues from growing up, or he may simply be a guy in love with his wife who is very confused by what is happening. Just let him talk and he may eventually realize that she isn't going to change. Or she'll continue to get worse and then he'll leave.

    Well... he physically left her years ago, but emotionally... he still holds on. They do have children together so I know that is part of it.
  • laserturkey
    laserturkey Posts: 1,680 Member
    Does your friend perhaps have PTSD? My first marriage was extremely psychologically abusive. About a year after I got out of it, I ended up being diagnosed with PTSD. It's been several years now and I am managing much better but I still take medication and still have issues I have to handle from time to time. I'm in a solid, healthy marriage now with a man who has been a very good sport about helping sort out and put away my baggage.

    I hope your friend is able to get on a path toward health and happiness. It's definitely possible, but not something easily done without professional help.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,454 Member
    IMO, women physically abusing their husbands are going to be more inclined to physically abusing kids too. That's just from my personal experience and don't know for sure if it's consistent with actual physical abuse therapists.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    IMO, women physically abusing their husbands are going to be more inclined to physically abusing kids too. That's just from my personal experience and don't know for sure if it's consistent with actual physical abuse therapists.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    Yeah, I tried to tell him that. :grumble:

    He feels that the kids need her.
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
    IMO, women physically abusing their husbands are going to be more inclined to physically abusing kids too. That's just from my personal experience and don't know for sure if it's consistent with actual physical abuse therapists.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    You are right. It's true of most abusers. They move on from the spouse to the children. And even if they don't physically abuse the children, the damage is pretty bad. Watching one parent hit another parent, or seeing bruises on one parent caused by another parent, has lasting effects.

    And sadly, the subtle mockery of it among guys only makes it worse. Guys don't say anything because their friends, and online strangers, mock them for it.