Spousal abuse from a male perspective

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  • usernameMAMA
    usernameMAMA Posts: 681 Member
    I have a friend who was in a physically abusive relationship. He is one of the most level headed and calm guys I have ever known and the woman he was with turned him into a completely different person. He got caught up in the crazy and admitted to me that he shoved her back a few times. I couldn't offer much help to him because he was 1000 miles away but I always encouraged him to get out of the relationship. He was NEVER the type of guy to yell at a woman let alone raise a hand to her. It took him awhile to end it with her but he finally did. He's a little more cynical about women now, it messed with his head for a couple of years. He recently started dating a lovely woman and is incredibly happy. I'm very proud of him, he is one of the most resilient people I have ever met.
  • RobynLB83
    RobynLB83 Posts: 626 Member
    I worked in a DV clinic interviewing victims to help them write up their declarations to the judge for restraining orders. I think there is a lot more DV against men than is reported. A few things I noticed. Men in physically abusive relationships tended to stay, downplay the violence, and put up with it because they were big strong guys and figured they could "just take it." They also tended to feel a lot of compassion for the abusive women-- feel sorry for them because they had "problems," or came from abusive families, "didn't know better," etc. For some reason, a lot of these guys were stabbed by their wives or girlfriends. That seemed to be a pattern with female abusers.

    They were all really nice guys; they thought they were helping by staying in an abusive relationship. I don't know how they fared afterwards, but anyone who has been in an abusive relationship needs plenty of time to process what happened, figure out why they were in that situation, and heal. There should be local resources for DV victims, and your friend should really seek out some support. People end up with PTSD from DV. It's not something to ignore just because the victim is a man. The psychological trauma DV does is serious, and victims really should get some kind of therapy to help them sort it out.

    I know... I'm actually a DV victim myself. I fled to a domestic violence shelter so therapy was provided for me, and like you said, it's different for men. Most men are already reluctant to get therapy when they need it, but its like admitting that being abused by a woman is a blow to their ego so they avoid therapy.

    It sounds like you're being a supportive friend, and he's at least opening up to you about it, which is great. Just keep talking to him, maybe by bringing up more about your story to him... see what advice and support he gives you, and maybe it'll click with him... I wish there were more resources out there geared towards men.
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
    I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.

    Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...

    Something will eventually click but let him talk if he's so inclined. It's a pretty humiliating thing to go through as it flies in the face of everything most men are taught about relationships with women. He may have some deeply rooted issues from growing up, or he may simply be a guy in love with his wife who is very confused by what is happening. Just let him talk and he may eventually realize that she isn't going to change. Or she'll continue to get worse and then he'll leave.

    Well... he physically left her years ago, but emotionally... he still holds on. They do have children together so I know that is part of it.

    He'll have to deal with it in his own way. I'm a big one for avoiding the male/female stereotypes but men are wired a bit differently when it comes to our emotions. Therapy may or may not be how he chooses to deal with it. I've been avoiding posting on these topics for a while, but I learned to deal with my own childhood trauma by running, lifting, hiking, etc. I'd rather know that a close friend knows what is going on but understands that I don't really want to "talk" about it much. Just let me vent over a heavy bag and a beer occasionally. Let him take the lead and just be there.
  • laserturkey
    laserturkey Posts: 1,680 Member
    I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.

    Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...

    Something will eventually click but let him talk if he's so inclined. It's a pretty humiliating thing to go through as it flies in the face of everything most men are taught about relationships with women. He may have some deeply rooted issues from growing up, or he may simply be a guy in love with his wife who is very confused by what is happening. Just let him talk and he may eventually realize that she isn't going to change. Or she'll continue to get worse and then he'll leave.

    Well... he physically left her years ago, but emotionally... he still holds on. They do have children together so I know that is part of it.

    Having to co-parent in this kind of post-divorce dynamic really complicates the #$%^ out of an already horribly complicated, painful situation. For people with PTSD, it also affords plenty of opportunities to be triggered and really interferes with healing. Having to see your abuser and be civil to them repeatedly for years means you STILL aren't "free." I am FINALLY able to see a light at the end of the tunnel, since one kid has turned 18 and the other is nearly 17. I just have to interact with "the monster" for another year or so.
  • MyseriMapleleaf
    MyseriMapleleaf Posts: 81 Member
    My soon to be ex husband claims he was abused mentally (by me of course) and while I admit I'm no walk in the park- the worst I ever 'lit into him' was when he did things to endanger our children or was a complete slack *kitten* on purpose. Family get together at noon with HIS family? He wakes up at 11 and takes a 30 minute poop, showers and plays on his iPad until we are sufficiently late. Yes, I nagged his *kitten* the entire way.

    I believe mental and emotional abuse is a REAL thing- but in some cases the man OR woman is just being a selfish *kitten* and has a very closed perspective. Some people aren't ready for a commited relationship.. there are real struggles involved with living with someone. Don't commit until you KNOW and then stick with it.

    All that being said.. as he continues to claim emotional abuse, I was the one sporting the bruises.. which proves how unclear some people really are.

    I hope your friend gets help for his issues and the ones brought on by his relationship. I heavily advise Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's been a huge eye opener for me.

    Hugs to him!
  • RobynLB83
    RobynLB83 Posts: 626 Member
    My soon to be ex husband claims he was abused mentally (by me of course) and while I admit I'm no walk in the park- the worst I ever 'lit into him' was when he did things to endanger our children or was a complete slack *kitten* on purpose. Family get together at noon with HIS family? He wakes up at 11 and takes a 30 minute poop, showers and plays on his iPad until we are sufficiently late. Yes, I nagged his *kitten* the entire way.

    I believe mental and emotional abuse is a REAL thing- but in some cases the man OR woman is just being a selfish *kitten* and has a very closed perspective. Some people aren't ready for a commited relationship.. there are real struggles involved with living with someone. Don't commit until you KNOW and then stick with it.

    All that being said.. as he continues to claim emotional abuse, I was the one sporting the bruises.. which proves how unclear some people really are.

    I hope your friend gets help for his issues and the ones brought on by his relationship. I heavily advise Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's been a huge eye opener for me.

    Hugs to him!

    Wow! You seem really angry, and not abusive AT ALL. Hope that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works out for you. They use that on borderlines, right?
  • Cindy311
    Cindy311 Posts: 780 Member
    It's sad when people sweep male abuse under the rug. Your friend has a lot of emotional turmoil he needs to start working through, and maybe a counselor or therapist is the best route. A person who has no ties to the situation can sometimes be the best alternative.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,026 Member
    My soon to be ex husband claims he was abused mentally (by me of course) and while I admit I'm no walk in the park- the worst I ever 'lit into him' was when he did things to endanger our children or was a complete slack *kitten* on purpose. Family get together at noon with HIS family? He wakes up at 11 and takes a 30 minute poop, showers and plays on his iPad until we are sufficiently late. Yes, I nagged his *kitten* the entire way.

    I believe mental and emotional abuse is a REAL thing- but in some cases the man OR woman is just being a selfish *kitten* and has a very closed perspective. Some people aren't ready for a commited relationship.. there are real struggles involved with living with someone. Don't commit until you KNOW and then stick with it.

    All that being said.. as he continues to claim emotional abuse, I was the one sporting the bruises.. which proves how unclear some people really are.

    I hope your friend gets help for his issues and the ones brought on by his relationship. I heavily advise Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's been a huge eye opener for me.

    Hugs to him!

    You...are a peach.
  • Kamikazeflutterby
    Kamikazeflutterby Posts: 775 Member
    I think it's also harder for men because women's shelters are the prevalent DV help center. One of our friends stayed with us after his girlfriend stabbed him, and none of the local resources for abuse victims were available to him.

    All I've found to work (kinda) for either gender is telling the person that the relationship they were in is not normal, healthy or something they deserve, and help them leave the abusive spouse however many times it takes until the separation sticks.
  • Pookylou
    Pookylou Posts: 988 Member
    Great blog I read recently (triggered by some photos in a UK national paper of Nigella Lawson - tv chef, being abused by her husband in public) http://aussiedave.livejournal.com/30916.html

    I second the abuse moves from partner to child (my mum to me) motion, he needs to protect his kids if he can.
  • tzig00
    tzig00 Posts: 875 Member
    I've been in abusive relationships my entire life from my dad to my ex husband and the list goes on and on. I did seek therapy (a condition for moving back with my parents after being kicked out of a relationship 6 months pregnant) and it didn't help one bit. All they told me was that I had been abused and they were sorry I went through that and I needed to pick myself back up and set boundaries for certain people. They say talking about it helps, I say it depends on the person. Talking about it brings a whole slew of crap up to the surface that people are trying to shove away and move past and no matter if you talk about it or not it's always going to be in the back of your mind and you're going to have trigger points which will pull you back to that moment in time. It's been 3 years and I'm getting better but there are things that still happen where I either freak out because I'm alone and he's coming to get me or I'll just start crying. Best of luck on trying to help. My advice, just be there.
  • FearAnLoathingJ
    FearAnLoathingJ Posts: 337 Member
    Ive known a couple of guys that have been in abusive relationships,and every last one of them would downplay it. A lot of people also react differently to a man being abused than a woman. it seems like they don't take it as serious
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    I know men who have been in abusive relationships in the fact that the relationship was very destructive (lots of fights loud enough cops were called, chic pulled a knife on the guy, etc...) but I don't know anyone who's sought therapy. sadly, most of the guys continue to find women that are just as psychotic instead of being attracted to someone more stable. same catch 22 as women who were abused as children who are drawn to domineering, abusive men.

    You know what that is a good thought I bet these men were abused with domineering, abusive parents. I hadn't thought of that from the male perspective of course it's a continual trap.
  • snowboardandasuitcase
    snowboardandasuitcase Posts: 217 Member
    I came across this quote in a book recently, and It stuck with me:

    "No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or emotional appeal."
    Marilyn Ferguson

    As much as you want to help him and shake his head, there's really only so much lighting you can give a man. He needs to see for himself and, unfortunately, you can't do that for him.

    The book is "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen R. Covey. You could recommend this book to him, or read it for yourself. It's not a "relationship help book" as such, but I wouldn't be surprised if it helped him understand more about why he still has feelings for her, and it may also help him let go. If you were to read it, you could probably speak with him about what you learn. Just a thought. (FYI, the book is about personal change, and is used as the base of some well-known brands' corporate philosophies (i.e. Saturn))
  • pinkledoodledoo
    pinkledoodledoo Posts: 290 Member
    I'm really going to open myself up to criticism here but I think saying this out loud could give others who are suffering hope...

    Hi everyone, I'm Pinkle and I'm a recovering abusive wife. I've struggled with intense feelings of rage for many years due to a personality disorder. I was physically and emotionally abusive towards my first husband and was also abusive towards my 2nd husband until a little over a year ago. We sought couples' counseling and I saw an individual counselor to help deal with this abuse in our relationship. After 2 years in couples' counseling (and 10+ years of individual therapy), I was finally able to learn to control my anger to the point of not allowing it to become physical anymore. My husband despised this physically abusive side of me and our relationship became more important to me than anything else when I saw that it had changed how he felt about talking to me, holding me and being intimate. Now we are working towards repairing the damage done by that abuse and we are slowly recovering the love that we shared in the beginning of our relationship. I am sure that I have changed my husband's life forever but I am also sure that he loves me unconditionally because he stuck with me when I felt like I had no control and he gave me hope that he'd still be there when I did find a way to control my abusive personality. I can't speak for him but I know that because we approached the problem together we came out of it together and face a new and better tomorrow every day.

    Be gentle, it's not an easy thing to admit to... especially not in these forums! :laugh:
  • jamiesillimandunn
    jamiesillimandunn Posts: 270 Member
    I married my husband who was In a pretty serious relationship prior to us , didn't know much about his past till we became more open about things , he never expressed the abuse he took from her more mental abuse then anything but that is just as harmful ...It took him walking out on her , taking a break from dating about three years then taking time to find a person he could connect with ( me) after marrying him I began to notice small things he must have always questioned about himself like ( was he a could father, provider etc.) so in our situation it was his confidence that was damaged more than anything ! Now that he is reassured he is not the terrible person the " other" woman made him out to be , I can see him shine ! He's confident, and carries himself proud ...now even In front of her ( they have two children)I AM SO PROUD OF HIM, AND it MUST HAVE been a REAL awakening for that lady :) hope your freind finds comfort and relief , but most of his confidence back !!
  • StheK
    StheK Posts: 443 Member
    I'm really going to open myself up to criticism here but I think saying this out loud could give others who are suffering hope...

    Hi everyone, I'm Pinkle and I'm a recovering abusive wife. I've struggled with intense feelings of rage for many years due to a personality disorder. I was physically and emotionally abusive towards my first husband and was also abusive towards my 2nd husband until a little over a year ago. We sought couples' counseling and I saw an individual counselor to help deal with this abuse in our relationship. After 2 years in couples' counseling (and 10+ years of individual therapy), I was finally able to learn to control my anger to the point of not allowing it to become physical anymore. My husband despised this physically abusive side of me and our relationship became more important to me than anything else when I saw that it had changed how he felt about talking to me, holding me and being intimate. Now we are working towards repairing the damage done by that abuse and we are slowly recovering the love that we shared in the beginning of our relationship. I am sure that I have changed my husband's life forever but I am also sure that he loves me unconditionally because he stuck with me when I felt like I had no control and he gave me hope that he'd still be there when I did find a way to control my abusive personality. I can't speak for him but I know that because we approached the problem together we came out of it together and face a new and better tomorrow every day.

    Be gentle, it's not an easy thing to admit to... especially not in these forums! :laugh:

    Thank you for sharing that. I'm glad you are getting help and that you and your husband are recovering from this situation.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.

    Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...

    Something will eventually click but let him talk if he's so inclined. It's a pretty humiliating thing to go through as it flies in the face of everything most men are taught about relationships with women. He may have some deeply rooted issues from growing up, or he may simply be a guy in love with his wife who is very confused by what is happening. Just let him talk and he may eventually realize that she isn't going to change. Or she'll continue to get worse and then he'll leave.

    Well... he physically left her years ago, but emotionally... he still holds on. They do have children together so I know that is part of it.

    He'll have to deal with it in his own way. I'm a big one for avoiding the male/female stereotypes but men are wired a bit differently when it comes to our emotions. Therapy may or may not be how he chooses to deal with it. I've been avoiding posting on these topics for a while, but I learned to deal with my own childhood trauma by running, lifting, hiking, etc. I'd rather know that a close friend knows what is going on but understands that I don't really want to "talk" about it much. Just let me vent over a heavy bag and a beer occasionally. Let him take the lead and just be there.

    I think in general because society teaches men they are never supposed to be a victim of abuse that those feelings of loss of control and abuse lead men to feel more angry than women who will generally feel more depressed...in general. I could see why punching a bag could be viewed as therapy. I've never really thought of this from the male perspective. I always think of it in terms of female abuse, so I think this post is pretty enlightening.
  • shrinkingWITS
    shrinkingWITS Posts: 108
    One of my bestfriends was in a relationship for 7 years where it got to the point that she berated him and physically beat on him so bad that he legit slept in a closet. I'm not even kidding.

    He is a physically strong and good man...and he would never defend himself. Never fight back in front of his kids...it happens all the time and it is sad that this topic is laughed at sometimes.

    He is now in a good place...he spent years rebuilding his self esteem, building a support circle, and the two of them both have changed in many ways and reconciled in a way to be good parents.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    I came across this quote in a book recently, and It stuck with me:

    "No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or emotional appeal."
    Marilyn Ferguson

    As much as you want to help him and shake his head, there's really only so much lighting you can give a man. He needs to see for himself and, unfortunately, you can't do that for him.

    The book is "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen R. Covey. You could recommend this book to him, or read it for yourself. It's not a "relationship help book" as such, but I wouldn't be surprised if it helped him understand more about why he still has feelings for her, and it may also help him let go. If you were to read it, you could probably speak with him about what you learn. Just a thought. (FYI, the book is about personal change, and is used as the base of some well-known brands' corporate philosophies (i.e. Saturn))

    I have read it, thank you. I could use a refresher. I will mention it to him, but I would not be surprised if he has read it also. It's sort of a requirement for business students and managers. I do know that I can't help him if he doesn't want it. But I've mentioned it before and he didn't seem opposed to the thought. I'm just not sure if he will follow through.

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