Spousal abuse from a male perspective

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Replies

  • Juliejustsaying
    Juliejustsaying Posts: 2,332 Member
    I dated a guy last year that told me about the abuse he suffered with his ex. He never really talked about how it effected him emotionally, but I could see it. We are still friends, I like him a lot, and he still talks about the struggles he has about wanting to go back for his kids, but not wanting to go back. He doesn't have very good self esteem. :ohwell: And yes, it was physical abuse, he refused to hit her back in anyway.
  • MorganLeighRN
    MorganLeighRN Posts: 411 Member
    My father was in one (not my mom) and it is one of the reasons that we don't talk. Everyone around him could see what kind of person she was and he refused to acknowledge it. They are (finally) getting divorced and hopefully him and I can repair our relationship.

    Most women use verbal abuse but there are some that do use physical abuse. Abuse is abuse no matter what the gender receiving it is.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    They also tended to feel a lot of compassion for the abusive women-- feel sorry for them because they had "problems," or came from abusive families, "didn't know better," etc. For some reason, a lot of these guys were stabbed by their wives or girlfriends. That seemed to be a pattern with female abusers.

    Once again of course! Don't women in abusive relationships also do this, "well his parents were abusive and he never learned how to handle his anger?" Whether man or woman it's better to believe your partner is somehow not culpable for the abuse because of the past. I bet it goes through the whole cycle of abuse too where you have the Honey moon phase and she promises to get help.

    I've always wondered why some men are continual drawn to these crazy psychopath women, and it makes total sense to me now. If you could get these men to share you would probably see a pattern of abuse in their lives.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    I'm really going to open myself up to criticism here but I think saying this out loud could give others who are suffering hope...

    Hi everyone, I'm Pinkle and I'm a recovering abusive wife. I've struggled with intense feelings of rage for many years due to a personality disorder. I was physically and emotionally abusive towards my first husband and was also abusive towards my 2nd husband until a little over a year ago. We sought couples' counseling and I saw an individual counselor to help deal with this abuse in our relationship. After 2 years in couples' counseling (and 10+ years of individual therapy), I was finally able to learn to control my anger to the point of not allowing it to become physical anymore. My husband despised this physically abusive side of me and our relationship became more important to me than anything else when I saw that it had changed how he felt about talking to me, holding me and being intimate. Now we are working towards repairing the damage done by that abuse and we are slowly recovering the love that we shared in the beginning of our relationship. I am sure that I have changed my husband's life forever but I am also sure that he loves me unconditionally because he stuck with me when I felt like I had no control and he gave me hope that he'd still be there when I did find a way to control my abusive personality. I can't speak for him but I know that because we approached the problem together we came out of it together and face a new and better tomorrow every day.

    Be gentle, it's not an easy thing to admit to... especially not in these forums! :laugh:

    Thank you for sharing. I know that was really difficult. I'm so glad that you could get help and begin to repair your relationship. Truly, I'm not interested in helping her in the least. I've never been formally introduced to her. But I do hope she can find some healing on her own for the sake of their children. Even after the divorce, the abuse continued as he tried to move on. She accused him of abusing the kids and attempted to block his contact with them. Personally, "hate" is a strong word, but I do hate the damage she's caused to him and his relationship with his children.
  • kookanddra
    kookanddra Posts: 92
    2..:noway: <~~~ THIS was my way of saying that this tread was possibly a bad decision.

    Why? Would you rather have another thread about dating the person above you?? :grumble:
  • MrsSausage58
    MrsSausage58 Posts: 143 Member
    2..:noway: <~~~ THIS was my way of saying that this tread was possibly a bad decision.

    I'm sorry... exactly why would you feel this way? And perhaps if you had made that statement initially, people would not have misunderstood you.

    People on here are hilarious. Always looking for a fight. Seemed like a touchy subject that could turn into a fight. How is my emoticon any different than this gif that people post all the time?
    tumblr_ljh0puClWT1qfkt17.gif

    It just goes to show the crazy attitudes of people. :noway: <~~ posting NO WORDS... just this and people get all bent. Amazed. Truly.

    I don't normally respond to posts like this as it's a massive waste of time so you must have really hit a nerve....

    Your "comment" is what people post when someone has asked a question which we know has opened them up to all kinds of abuse from all kinds of people. This post however, is not one of those. It was a serious post asking serious questions about a serious subject. Maybe you just need to spend some time working out when it's appropriate to be "funny".
  • Big_Bad
    Big_Bad Posts: 57
    I'm really going to open myself up to criticism here but I think saying this out loud could give others who are suffering hope...

    Hi everyone, I'm Pinkle and I'm a recovering abusive wife. I've struggled with intense feelings of rage for many years due to a personality disorder. I was physically and emotionally abusive towards my first husband and was also abusive towards my 2nd husband until a little over a year ago. We sought couples' counseling and I saw an individual counselor to help deal with this abuse in our relationship. After 2 years in couples' counseling (and 10+ years of individual therapy), I was finally able to learn to control my anger to the point of not allowing it to become physical anymore. My husband despised this physically abusive side of me and our relationship became more important to me than anything else when I saw that it had changed how he felt about talking to me, holding me and being intimate. Now we are working towards repairing the damage done by that abuse and we are slowly recovering the love that we shared in the beginning of our relationship. I am sure that I have changed my husband's life forever but I am also sure that he loves me unconditionally because he stuck with me when I felt like I had no control and he gave me hope that he'd still be there when I did find a way to control my abusive personality. I can't speak for him but I know that because we approached the problem together we came out of it together and face a new and better tomorrow every day.

    Be gentle, it's not an easy thing to admit to... especially not in these forums! :laugh:

    <3 Thank you for sharing that. It takes a strong person to admit something so personal and open to criticism.

    It was a really hard for me to finally admit that I'd been emotionally abusive in a few of my past relationships. And when I did and finally went to therapy, it was even harder realizing that a couple of my ex's didn't even want my apologies and couldn't emotionally handle even talking to me again. You are lucky to have a husband that loves you so. It's easy to blame the other person for pissing you off even though you know it's your own bull**** that's upsetting you. Relationships are complicated, especially for people with emotional issues. Good for you for seeking and accepting help!
  • IMO, women physically abusing their husbands are going to be more inclined to physically abusing kids too. That's just from my personal experience and don't know for sure if it's consistent with actual physical abuse therapists.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    Yeah, I tried to tell him that. :grumble:

    He feels that the kids need her.

    The kids don't need her they need positive influences in their lives.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    IMO, women physically abusing their husbands are going to be more inclined to physically abusing kids too. That's just from my personal experience and don't know for sure if it's consistent with actual physical abuse therapists.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    Yeah, I tried to tell him that. :grumble:

    He feels that the kids need her.

    The kids don't need her they need positive influences in their lives.

    Oh I agree. Sadly, I worry for his kids. The oldest doesn't want to live with her. He says its because he is getting older and 'wants' his dad. But for a kid to openly admit that he doesn't want to live with his mother is a tip off to me.

    My kids live with me and visit their father a few times a year... they are aware of his temper and assured me that he has never raised his hand to them, but they don't really want to spend time with him either.
  • pinkledoodledoo
    pinkledoodledoo Posts: 290 Member
    I'm really going to open myself up to criticism here but I think saying this out loud could give others who are suffering hope...

    Hi everyone, I'm Pinkle and I'm a recovering abusive wife. I've struggled with intense feelings of rage for many years due to a personality disorder. I was physically and emotionally abusive towards my first husband and was also abusive towards my 2nd husband until a little over a year ago. We sought couples' counseling and I saw an individual counselor to help deal with this abuse in our relationship. After 2 years in couples' counseling (and 10+ years of individual therapy), I was finally able to learn to control my anger to the point of not allowing it to become physical anymore. My husband despised this physically abusive side of me and our relationship became more important to me than anything else when I saw that it had changed how he felt about talking to me, holding me and being intimate. Now we are working towards repairing the damage done by that abuse and we are slowly recovering the love that we shared in the beginning of our relationship. I am sure that I have changed my husband's life forever but I am also sure that he loves me unconditionally because he stuck with me when I felt like I had no control and he gave me hope that he'd still be there when I did find a way to control my abusive personality. I can't speak for him but I know that because we approached the problem together we came out of it together and face a new and better tomorrow every day.

    Be gentle, it's not an easy thing to admit to... especially not in these forums! :laugh:

    Thank you for sharing. I know that was really difficult. I'm so glad that you could get help and begin to repair your relationship. Truly, I'm not interested in helping her in the least. I've never been formally introduced to her. But I do hope she can find some healing on her own for the sake of their children. Even after the divorce, the abuse continued as he tried to move on. She accused him of abusing the kids and attempted to block his contact with them. Personally, "hate" is a strong word, but I do hate the damage she's caused to him and his relationship with his children.

    Some people are unable to receive the help they need before it goes too far... it sounds that way for your friend and I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully his kids will realize that he is not only what she says he is.
  • Mainebikerchick
    Mainebikerchick Posts: 1,573 Member
    I don't know much about the male abuse, so I can't say anything constructive about that.

    I was, however, in an abusive relationship myself for 4 1/2 AWFUL years. He drank all the time, for days on end and beat me whenever and however he wanted. He held all the power because I lived with him, everything was in his name, he kicked me out constantly and at one point, I lived in my car with my cat at 20 yrs old.

    We planned to move back home and had a big party and the next morning, he was still up and drinking. When he came into the bedroom and wanted some, he punched me awake then proceeded to smash my head against the wall when I refused. I tried to get away, he sat on me and began choking me....my last thought before I blacked out was that I should have left long ago because he was killing me....

    A few mins later, I came to and he was in the corner of the room, knees drawn up to his chest as he rocked back and forth frantically...I'm pretty sure he thought he HAD killed me and was freaking out because he had finally gone too far. He stared at me in shock as I got up, left the room and locked myself in the bathroom until he left. I went to work, my co-workers nursed my wounds and the next day, I moved home and left his *kitten*, never to look back.

    It was the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life and I do have PTSD from it. But with a little counseling and a LOT of love from my friends and family, I have moved on, have an AMAZING husband and son and I am better now.

    Have I forgotten it? No. Will I ever get over it? No. I still have nightmares at least once a week, but it used to be 5 nights a week, so I take it for what it is now.

    It DOES get better and I hope your friend can get over the mental aspect of what he went thru. It's hard and that's what still gets me, but I am ALIVE and I almost wasn't after that horrific morning....
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    Thank you everyone. Except for the couple of trolls, this thread has helped tremendously. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this sensitive subject. Peace and blessings for you all! :flowerforyou:
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
    I know... I'm actually a DV victim myself. I fled to a domestic violence shelter so therapy was provided for me, and like you said, it's different for men. Most men are already reluctant to get therapy when they need it, but its like admitting that being abused by a woman is a blow to their ego so they avoid therapy.

    It's less ego, but more knowing that nobody will believe you or help out. All it takes for the woman to lie, and suddenly you're the abuser.

    Let's say your wife does something like... throw a hammer at you. What do you? Call the cops? Hit back? Either way, you're in jail for the night. So you do nothing.
  • StheK
    StheK Posts: 443 Member
    i like being abused any takers LOL if a guy told me his wife abuses him id kick his *kitten*

    And this is what being part of the problem looks like, ladies and gentlemen.
  • Big_Bad
    Big_Bad Posts: 57
    I know... I'm actually a DV victim myself. I fled to a domestic violence shelter so therapy was provided for me, and like you said, it's different for men. Most men are already reluctant to get therapy when they need it, but its like admitting that being abused by a woman is a blow to their ego so they avoid therapy.

    It's less ego, but more knowing that nobody will believe you or help out. All it takes for the woman to lie, and suddenly you're the abuser.

    Let's say your wife does something like... throw a hammer at you. What do you? Call the cops? Hit back? Either way, you're in jail for the night. So you do nothing.

    I'd like to believe that our society is not quite so narrow-minded at this point. Theoretically the cops should arrest her. Violence is violence.
  • cmcollins001
    cmcollins001 Posts: 3,472 Member
    Many years ago, my ex-wife, who is bi-polar, was what many would consider abusive. At that point in my life I tried to be the "perfect" husband. I was the one who bought flowers and gifts for no reason, brought breakfast to her in bed, told her that when I got home from work, it was my job to take care of our infant son, change him, bath him, feed him, even get up in the middle of the night with him. It never was enough. I was constantly berated, cussed at, yelled at, etc. One time I was sent to the store after a can of corn, which she specifically asked for, and when I got home with it she yelled at me, told me she wanted green beans and threw the can at my head. I put up with it probably because my brother is bi-polar and I was "used to it."

    After we divorced, because, apparently, our marriage interfered with her dating life, I thought that I would get back with her at a moments notice if she "would let me." It didn't take long for me to realize that it was better that we tried to be friends and nothing more. We had one son together and I ended up getting him because she kept moving in with one boyfriend or another, changing my sons school districts, so I've had him full time since he was 7 ...he is now graduated.

    The main thing that happened to me was that I woke up and realized that I was worth more than a door mat and I don't let anyone walk all over me for any reason anymore. While I can be the best friend you'll ever have and I will help you bury a body no questions asked, if you try to cross me or walk all over me, we are done. While this is good for me in many ways, I will admit that the whole experience with my first wife has made me a little more cynical and to be honest, a little more selfish than I once was.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
    i like being abused any takers LOL if a guy told me his wife abuses him id kick his *kitten*

    And this is what being part of the problem looks like, ladies and gentlemen.

    exactly....

    i have a friend that is being abused. two weeks ago she got angry enough to throw a skillet at his head.

    luckily he ducked, cause she threw it hard enough that the handle broke off when it hit the door. It also put a huge hole in the door.

    Her abuse is becoming more and more public. So people know.

    But he won't leave, because years of being told by HER that he's one big giant p@ssy has convinced him that if he even tries to admit he's abused then he really IS a *****....

    funny though, I think he's one of the strongest men I know...the pure *kitten* he takes from her is amazing...you have to be made of steel to take all of that and still project a happy, successful man to your friends, your kids and everyone else.

    I hope he finds the strength to leave someday.

    The other problem with men who are abused, is that when children are involved they know that if they leave, (and the wives won't leave they just won't) then the odds of the courts awarding custody to the mom (even with documented abuse) is a higher probability than it SHOULD be...and they would rather stay and protect, than leave and risk the mom having alone time with the kids. At all.

    it's a troubling problem.
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
    Never mind. It's never worth discussing here
  • pinkledoodledoo
    pinkledoodledoo Posts: 290 Member
    I know... I'm actually a DV victim myself. I fled to a domestic violence shelter so therapy was provided for me, and like you said, it's different for men. Most men are already reluctant to get therapy when they need it, but its like admitting that being abused by a woman is a blow to their ego so they avoid therapy.

    It's less ego, but more knowing that nobody will believe you or help out. All it takes for the woman to lie, and suddenly you're the abuser.

    Let's say your wife does something like... throw a hammer at you. What do you? Call the cops? Hit back? Either way, you're in jail for the night. So you do nothing.

    My husband called the cops on me twice, it's a huge wakeup call. I was never arrested, neither was he. Everything was settled peacefully in the end. This isn't how it would work for everyone though. My turnaround moment in my abuse was when my husband accidentally really hurt me trying defend himself. Up until that point I didn't realize how out of control I had become. I can remember exactly what happened and it's never happened again since that day.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    I know... I'm actually a DV victim myself. I fled to a domestic violence shelter so therapy was provided for me, and like you said, it's different for men. Most men are already reluctant to get therapy when they need it, but its like admitting that being abused by a woman is a blow to their ego so they avoid therapy.

    It's less ego, but more knowing that nobody will believe you or help out. All it takes for the woman to lie, and suddenly you're the abuser.

    Let's say your wife does something like... throw a hammer at you. What do you? Call the cops? Hit back? Either way, you're in jail for the night. So you do nothing.

    I'd like to believe that our society is not quite so narrow-minded at this point. Theoretically the cops should arrest her. Violence is violence.

    Guess what? It is, in fact, that narrow minded.

    So much anger and hate is directed at male abusers but the female version gets a lot of sympathy, and they're often coming from a similar backgrounds - being abused. Look at the reactions to the abusive women in here. Quite often, all a woman has to do is mention abuse and the courts will side with her. That is slowly changing though and hopefully at some point the courts will recognize "parents" as "parents" and not "mom" or "dad" and judge accordingly.

    Background: Verbally and physically abusive mother. She was abused by her father and first husband so she turned to what so many women turn to, "man hating." Two brothers dead from suicide and the other two of us barely talk to each other. One of my other brothers lost his son in a custody fight early on. His ex was smart enough to move back home to a small town and scream "abuse" where the judge would side with her. The abuse I witnessed was very much the other way around. The first time I saw my nephew after that was at my brother's funeral, twenty long ****ing years later. More talk, please. Because as you see the world is so very supportive on this issue . . . Therapy? LMAO! My therapy? Again, running, weights and a heavy bag. For all the reasons you see in this thread.

    We avoid gender debates in our house. I'm raising daughters and I will not be doing what my mother did to me.

    No. I have no sympathy for abusers, male or female.

    I see where you are coming from. Often the lines get blurred because some women fight back against their abusers. My ex-husband had me on the floor, in a headlock and was repeatedly punching me in the face and head. I had to scratch at his eyes and throat to get him to stop. In reality, I was defending myself... but I was inflicting pain as well.

    I've also broken two of his fingers to keep him from grabbing the steering wheel and forcing me to veer into oncoming traffic. Granted, I wasn't instigating the abuse, but I wasn't taking it either. If I had not fought back, I'm sure his attacks would have came much more often, but more frequent violence may have motivated me to leave sooner.

    I think for the most part, a toxic relationship is just toxic... for everyone. It takes at least one person in the relationship to stand up and say this is not normal or healthy and walk away.