Spousal abuse from a male perspective

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  • UncleMac
    UncleMac Posts: 12,882 Member
    I've read quite a few studies that showed equal perpetration of abuse by men and women. One reason men do not report is because police will suspect he is the perpetrator and arrest him.
    ^^^This^^^ and there are substantial societal assumptions/biases that make people question the validity of emotional abuse period, let alone the idea of men being victimized by their wives. Add to this a cultural indoctrination that says big boys don't cry and real men never admit weakness.

    Family courts are openly biased toward women as there is an assumption mothers are somehow (magic?) more competent and nurturing than fathers. Most fathers are lucky if they can get shared custody in a divorce situation and it is almost unheard of for a father to be awarded full custody unless he can demonstrate gross negligence and/or abusive behaviours by the mother.

    Good luck with your friend, UsedToBeHusky... :)
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    I've read quite a few studies that showed equal perpetration of abuse by men and women. One reason men do not report is because police will suspect he is the perpetrator and arrest him.
    ^^^This^^^ and there are substantial societal assumptions/biases that make people question the validity of emotional abuse period, let alone the idea of men being victimized by their wives. Add to this a cultural indoctrination that says big boys don't cry and real men never admit weakness.

    Family courts are openly biased toward women as there is an assumption mothers are somehow (magic?) more competent and nurturing than fathers. Most fathers are lucky if they can get shared custody in a divorce situation and it is almost unheard of for a father to be awarded full custody unless he can demonstrate gross negligence and/or abusive behaviours by the mother.

    Good luck with your friend, UseToBeHusky... :)

    Thank you. I think he will be okay. It's going to take some time, but I think I can point him in the right direction.
  • CorvusCorax77
    CorvusCorax77 Posts: 2,536 Member
    Never mind. It's never worth discussing here

    PM me then....


    This thread is amazing. And it is making me cry. I know two men whom I love dearly who are in abusive relationships with women. One isn't allowed to speak to me at all...and there is nothing I can do. The other...I struggle with how to talk to him about it. I have spent the last two days trying to work up the guts to call him up and say "the stories you tell me about your girlfriend bother me. If you were a girl and she were a guy, I would be telling you to GTFO before he starts punching. I'm not sure that I should feel different just because you are a guy and she is a girl." That's all I have come up with. I know he is going to tell me that she isn't that bad. And it is forseeable that he won't be allowed to talk to me anymore (because that is what abusers do, they isolate you).

    Breaks my goddamned heart.

    :brokenheart: :cry:
  • CorvusCorax77
    CorvusCorax77 Posts: 2,536 Member
    A girl beating a man what kind of gobble dee gook is this ?

    this is a totally ignorant thing to say and exactly part of the problem.

    Get yer head out of yer bum.

    http://www.datehookup.com/content-dangerous-dating-when-men-are-abused-by-female-partners.htm
  • Becoming_A_Butterfly
    Becoming_A_Butterfly Posts: 2,536 Member
    Having to co-parent in this kind of post-divorce dynamic really complicates the #$%^ out of an already horribly complicated, painful situation. For people with PTSD, it also affords plenty of opportunities to be triggered and really interferes with healing. Having to see your abuser and be civil to them repeatedly for years means you STILL aren't "free." I am FINALLY able to see a light at the end of the tunnel, since one kid has turned 18 and the other is nearly 17. I just have to interact with "the monster" for another year or so.

    My boyfriend's ex-wife was (still is) verbally and physically abusive, and she threw things at him (like a hot pan from the stove) while he was holding one of their children. She accused him of abusing her during their divorce proceedings, and she also accused me of abusing the children once she found out he had moved on to a sane woman. You are right, divorce doesn't end the abuse, stress, or frustration.

    Now I have the joy of this woman stalking me, following me in her car when I go running, etc. It is no less disturbing just because it is a woman performing the violent and obsessive behavior.
  • CorvusCorax77
    CorvusCorax77 Posts: 2,536 Member
    I keep hoping some advice will pop up that helps. I basically feel like I can't do anything for these guys. A girl, I could take out to dinner and tell her she can stay with me if she needs to and I'm her friend no matter what.

    A guy, well, I don't even know if I can call him because well,,,, i'm a girl and that is exactly why he can't talk to me.
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
    I keep hoping some advice will pop up that helps. I basically feel like I can't do anything for these guys. A girl, I could take out to dinner and tell her she can stay with me if she needs to and I'm her friend no matter what.

    A guy, well, I don't even know if I can call him because well,,,, i'm a girl and that is exactly why he can't talk to me.

    Is this the only demand, or is she truly abusive to him in other ways? It is not uncommon for couples to agree that there not be certain sorts of communication with the opposite sex. If she is only asking that he not communicate with girls, then it is up to him to either honor that request or try to work out some compromise with her whereby she would feel safe with the level of communication. Unfortunately you aren't in any position to do anything about it, except be there if and when he wants to talk about it or about anything.
  • 4homer
    4homer Posts: 457 Member
    I used to hit my man, who is twice my size (6' 200ish lbs) until one day he hit me back (don't worry, I survived and I deserved it) and told me that from now on every time I hit him, he'd hit me back. So, um, I stopped hitting him. I think most women do this with the assumption he won't strike back. I thought it was fair he hit me back: self defense. If the woman started it, she shouldn't be crying that he abused her. But I do see why men are afraid to retaliate especially if they're much bigger. Sympathy always goes to the woman even if she flips it on the man.
    this is my 2 cents, while you should have never had hit him, he should have never hit back. Abuse is wrong and there is no excuse for it.
  • CorvusCorax77
    CorvusCorax77 Posts: 2,536 Member
    I keep hoping some advice will pop up that helps. I basically feel like I can't do anything for these guys. A girl, I could take out to dinner and tell her she can stay with me if she needs to and I'm her friend no matter what.

    A guy, well, I don't even know if I can call him because well,,,, i'm a girl and that is exactly why he can't talk to me.

    Is this the only demand, or is she truly abusive to him in other ways? It is not uncommon for couples to agree that there not be certain sorts of communication with the opposite sex. If she is only asking that he not communicate with girls, then it is up to him to either honor that request or try to work out some compromise with her whereby she would feel safe with the level of communication. Unfortunately you aren't in any position to do anything about it, except be there if and when he wants to talk about it or about anything.

    Well.... I will tell you that one of these men is my brother and there is no logical reason to forbid my brother from talking to his sisters. I wouldn't be able to tell you more because he is not allowed to speak to me (or my sisters).... But that is some seriously weird ****.

    The other situation- I suspect it teeters on abuse- but if he isn't allowed to speak to me I guess I will have to just accept that and hope it all works out. In the end, it is his choice and I respect his choice. I just would feel a lot better if I could say to him that I am worried about him, rather than feel like I was a do nothing bystander.
  • UncleMac
    UncleMac Posts: 12,882 Member
    I keep hoping some advice will pop up that helps. I basically feel like I can't do anything for these guys. A girl, I could take out to dinner and tell her she can stay with me if she needs to and I'm her friend no matter what.

    A guy, well, I don't even know if I can call him because well,,,, i'm a girl and that is exactly why he can't talk to me.
    Just a thought but have you considered telling your brother (and possibly the other guy) something like asking their advice. IE:

    "Can I get some advice from you about something serious? I have a friend, someone who I care about deeply, who seems like she is stuck in a pretty horrid situation. I don't know if there is physical abuse but I've seen emotional abuse, social exclusive and really freaky controlling stuff. I don't know how to bring the subject up since she kinda pretends it's okay. What do you think?"

    Once the conversation gets rolling, then point out that it is HE that you are worried about... and see where it goes...

    At the end of the day (and as was mentioned earlier in the thread) you cannot help them; they must help themselves. There are none so blind as those who refuse to see and until they perceive the manipulation and abuse for what it is, they will remain trapped in the situation.

    Here comes the kicker... If they don't "get" what you're talking about, you need to disengage... otherwise you will become part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Let them know you care, mourn in your heart but back away.
  • redladywitch
    redladywitch Posts: 799 Member
    I have permission from my husband to speak about his former relationship. He was a victim of domestic violence from his former wife. She was a violent alcoholic. He went through hell. He has come a very long way in healing from that crap.

    I was also a Domestic Violence advocate for 7 1/2 years. It's difficult for men to admit this kind of abuse. The stigma is awful.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    I have permission from my husband to speak about his former relationship. He was a victim of domestic violence from his former wife. She was a violent alcoholic. He went through hell. He has come a very long way in healing from that crap.

    I was also a Domestic Violence advocate for 7 1/2 years. It's difficult for men to admit this kind of abuse. The stigma is awful.

    My friend is deeply scarred. How can I help him overcome his past because presently it dictates his future?
  • Hexahedra
    Hexahedra Posts: 894 Member
    I have permission from my husband to speak about his former relationship. He was a victim of domestic violence from his former wife. She was a violent alcoholic. He went through hell. He has come a very long way in healing from that crap.

    I was also a Domestic Violence advocate for 7 1/2 years. It's difficult for men to admit this kind of abuse. The stigma is awful.

    My friend is deeply scarred. How can I help him overcome his past because presently it dictates his future?
    My honest advice is to get professional help, but I know convincing him to go is a battle in and of itself. Maybe you can convince him that at least he needs somebody to talk to, and the best person who can listen with all ears is a counsellor.
  • anemoneprose
    anemoneprose Posts: 1,805 Member
    I think a couple of things would help him, unsure how much you as a friend could do.

    1) trust - he needs to see lots & lots of evidence of the existence of nice women, and healthy couples, because I'm pretty sure he's going to be feeling cynical for a while - everything will be filtered through his experience (like everyone). Tricky because he'll see what he wants to see in any case. which is why 2) is helpful

    2) examining the patterns that characterized this relationship, and the nature of his staying in it. Therapy, books.

    (It's tough, because, at least in terms of funded organizations, the kind of DV that's emphasized is the "male = stalker/jealous obsessive". It's slanted that way for good reasons (lots of women have ended up dead because of men like that). But it ignores the subtler dynamics. I think DV is much more prevalent than people imagine. Lots of times, especially with young couples, it's just a bad match of immature individuals with poor emotional regulation, and poor coping methods [sometimes alcohol, drugs] who press each other's buttons, and get locked into a pattern of escalation. Can be more or less mutual/one-sided. I don't see a lot about that in popular culture, or in the support available to people who've been abused. And, there are a lot of terrible counsellors out there, who either unwittingly perpetuate abuse, by missing signs of manipulation, or just miss whole strands of things altogether, or stir the pot and fail to give couples the tools to settle it down again.)

    That said, if he suffers from too much compassion, and a desire to be helpful, as someone noted above, books on codependency (may be dated but still useful) and attachment theory could offer something for him.

    And, just, lots of TLC from friends and family, and distracting activities too. Follow his cues if poss, vs imposing your view of what should happen now
  • pcastagner
    pcastagner Posts: 1,606 Member
    I have a rule now. The first time she damages an inanimate object while verbally abusing me, it's too late and it's OVER.
  • pudadough
    pudadough Posts: 1,271 Member
    Abuse is abuse. It's unacceptable to direct it at either gender. Punch a wall if you have to.
  • UncleMac
    UncleMac Posts: 12,882 Member
    Abuse is abuse. It's unacceptable to direct it at either gender. Punch a wall if you have to.

    Agreed, to a point. In my opinion, it would be better to learn nonviolent methods of defusing situations and communicating to mitigate such negative emotions from becoming overwhelming.
  • coolraul07
    coolraul07 Posts: 1,606 Member
    First a question, and then an anecdote.

    1) What advice do you all have for a male victim of emotional/verbal abuse that hasn't (yet) turned physical? She's probably (undiagnosed) bi-polar and he essentially only stays out of a sense of duty (young kids and he's been the sole earner for more than a decade).

    2) One of my nephews was a victim of a verbally and physically abusive wife. It came to a head when was holding their toddler and she tried to stab him with a knife. She missed him and slashed the baby's leg. He bust a gasket, grabbed her wielding hand and stabbed her. It was a mild flesh wound but bled profusely. When the police showed up, they saw the baby's leg was cut and that she (now ex-wife) was still holding the knife. Care to guess who was arrested? Yup, him! Even though she acknowledged that she had the knife the whole time AND that she "accidentally" cut the baby, HE was the one to be arrested because he didn't have any wounds! He story of self-defense should've been bolstered by the fact that her fingerprints were the only ones found on the knife, but HE ended up with the felony record and had to serve a couple of years total. When he got out, he was granted SOLE AND COMPLETE custody of their child in the divorce! She was NEVER arrested for cutting the baby and never served a day in jail. <extreme sarcasm alert> Gee, could this be a reason why guys rarely report such abuse?!
  • redladywitch
    redladywitch Posts: 799 Member
    My friend is deeply scarred. How can I help him overcome his past because presently it dictates his future?


    You can always contact the Domestic Violence hotline or local Domestic Vioence non-profit agency and ask for advice. It's free. I'm sorry for your friends and for you. My heart goes out to you both. They can give you advice on how to support your friend. Your friend needs to get his power back.....self-esteem...ya know? There is no excuse for Domestic Violence....ever.
  • RobynLB83
    RobynLB83 Posts: 626 Member
    First a question, and then an anecdote.

    1) What advice do you all have for a male victim of emotional/verbal abuse that hasn't (yet) turned physical? She's probably (undiagnosed) bi-polar and he essentially only stays out of a sense of duty (young kids and he's been the sole earner for more than a decade).

    2) One of my nephews was a victim of a verbally and physically abusive wife. It came to a head when was holding their toddler and she tried to stab him with a knife. She missed him and slashed the baby's leg. He bust a gasket, grabbed her wielding hand and stabbed her. It was a mild flesh wound but bled profusely. When the police showed up, they saw the baby's leg was cut and that she (now ex-wife) was still holding the knife. Care to guess who was arrested? Yup, him! Even though she acknowledged that she had the knife the whole time AND that she "accidentally" cut the baby, HE was the one to be arrested because he didn't have any wounds! He story of self-defense should've been bolstered by the fact that her fingerprints were the only ones found on the knife, but HE ended up with the felony record and had to serve a couple of years total. When he got out, he was granted SOLE AND COMPLETE custody of their child in the divorce! She was NEVER arrested for cutting the baby and never served a day in jail. <extreme sarcasm alert> Gee, could this be a reason why guys rarely report such abuse?!

    Wait. He stabbed her with a knife right? Even if she's holding the knife, and it was an accident, still, he stabbed her with a knife.

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