Moving too fast
Replies
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Plus teasing the hell out of each is HOT!! Me and the bf would come up with CRAZY excuses and methods to just get "close". God, it was the hottest!!0
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I really think it depends on the guy and you have to gauge that personality. However two guys I know both told me that they prefer to take it slow. However if the guy chooses to indulge he shouldn't judge you because he chose the same thing.0
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Bwahahahaha..... I once dated a guy that we waited almost 2 years..... Granted it wasn't our choice. But it was the best relationship ever, annnnnddd the best sex ever when we finally did get to.
So quit ur crying!!!! LOLOLOL just kidding.0 -
I honestly think that a man who will put out for me on a first date is not husband material.
True LOL
why is it always about the man and his perception, WTF about ours !!!0 -
Bwahahahaha..... I once dated a guy that we waited almost 2 years..... Granted it wasn't our choice. But it was the best relationship ever, annnnnddd the best sex ever when we finally did get to.
So quit ur crying!!!! LOLOLOL just kidding.
Can I ask how it wasn't by choice? I'm glad you had a good experience with it. But wondering how waiting wasn't your choice?0 -
My balls would explode after two years!0
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I would like to ask the people whose perception would be impacted/would form a bad opinion why they think their perception would be impacted/why they would form a bad opinion? For what reasons?It would impact my perception. I would expect the girl to wait at least a little while...
Aside from religious people, I really can't think of many valid reasons for it as it stands. Of course, because Christian moral is the "moral foundation" of Western societies (as in: the moral on which our societies have been built for 2000 years and more), it is the default moral standard to which we all revert (even non religious people).
But it makes little sense for non religious people to do this.0 -
I would like to ask the people whose perception would be impacted/would form a bad opinion why they think their perception would be impacted/why they would form a bad opinion? For what reasons?It would impact my perception. I would expect the girl to wait at least a little while...
Aside from religious people, I really can't think of many valid reasons for it as it stands. Of course, because Christian moral is the "moral foundation" of Western societies (as in: the moral on which our societies have been built for 2000 years and more), it is the default moral standard to which we all revert (even non religious people).
But it makes little sense for non religious people to do this.
People can ascribe a lot of significance to sex for reasons other than religious ideals.
Most people say that emotionally-connected sex is better than just a physical experience. To get nude and sweaty and have fun with someone is one thing, but to then let go of all(most!) of the behavioural control one exerts in normal interactions is something quite different, and means letting someone see you at your most vulnerable, in all ways, without any of the shields and defences humans normally employ. It's an emotional minefield for many people, which requires trust to navigate, and trust takes time to build. Trust is also the foundation of a lasting relationship, in my book, so my perception of someone who rushed into sex would be that they were not being completely emotionally honest with themselves, or their partner, which (for me) would be indicative that they weren't ready (or looking for) a longer term relationship.0 -
I honestly think that a man who will put out for me on a first date is not husband material.
True LOL
why is it always about the man and his perception, WTF about ours !!!
Actually, this question came up as the result of a failed fling... (Yes, tubesocks, I'm still licking my wounds, I told you about him before, this wasn't just a crush for me... we are talking years here).
I realize now that I was well-aware that this man was very traditionalist. And no, he did not judge me for it. But I had an opportunity to finally have the relationship that I wanted with him, and things went really south after sex. He basically said that he knew I wasn't the right one even though he had been all about it at first, and the only reason that makes sense in my mind was that I had sex with him on the first date. Of course, we had known each other for years and were building on a solid friendship, so in my mind, we could skip the "getting to know each other" phase, but like I said, I knew his cultural background and spiritual beliefs. I should have known it wouldn't work. I was impatient, and doing what I always do, and it didn't work out. Just trying to figure out where to go from here and addressing the "move too fast" behavior is part of it.
I really don't want this thread to derail into being about that one relationship decision. I'd still rather focus on the motivations and consequences behind that behavior.0 -
The too fast perception is the problem--what is too fast? In an era where you can talk / text / email / IM for days/week/months you can get to "know" someone without meetjing them. Of course, when you can meet there can be no chemistry or whatever, but if you have been talking awhile, and then you meet and the chemistry is there............having sex within a couple dates maybe be different than years ago, when people "courted" each other and took months just to get to know them.........0
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The too fast perception is the problem--what is too fast? In an era where you can talk / text / email / IM for days/week/months you can get to "know" someone without meetjing them. Of course, when you can meet there can be no chemistry or whatever, but if you have been talking awhile, and then you meet and the chemistry is there............having sex within a couple dates maybe be different than years ago, when people "courted" each other and took months just to get to know them.........
That was kind of my thinking, but it would seem, as someone else pointed out, other factors are present.0 -
I honestly think that a man who will put out for me on a first date is not husband material.
True LOL
why is it always about the man and his perception, WTF about ours !!!
Actually, this question came up as the result of a failed fling... (Yes, tubesocks, I'm still licking my wounds, I told you about him before, this wasn't just a crush for me... we are talking years here).
I realize now that I was well-aware that this man was very traditionalist. And no, he did not judge me for it. But I had an opportunity to finally have the relationship that I wanted with him, and things went really south after sex. He basically said that he knew I wasn't the right one even though he had been all about it at first, and the only reason that makes sense in my mind was that I had sex with him on the first date. Of course, we had known each other for years and were building on a solid friendship, so in my mind, we could skip the "getting to know each other" phase, but like I said, I knew his cultural background and spiritual beliefs. I should have known it wouldn't work. I was impatient, and doing what I always do, and it didn't work out. Just trying to figure out where to go from here and addressing the "move too fast" behavior is part of it.
I really don't want this thread to derail into being about that one relationship decision. I'd still rather focus on the motivations and consequences behind that behavior.
Or after the sex he didn't feel any chemistry there...I'm going to assume, that it has nothing to do with the timing of sex.0 -
I honestly think that a man who will put out for me on a first date is not husband material.
True LOL
why is it always about the man and his perception, WTF about ours !!!
Actually, this question came up as the result of a failed fling... (Yes, tubesocks, I'm still licking my wounds, I told you about him before, this wasn't just a crush for me... we are talking years here).
I realize now that I was well-aware that this man was very traditionalist. And no, he did not judge me for it. But I had an opportunity to finally have the relationship that I wanted with him, and things went really south after sex. He basically said that he knew I wasn't the right one even though he had been all about it at first, and the only reason that makes sense in my mind was that I had sex with him on the first date. Of course, we had known each other for years and were building on a solid friendship, so in my mind, we could skip the "getting to know each other" phase, but like I said, I knew his cultural background and spiritual beliefs. I should have known it wouldn't work. I was impatient, and doing what I always do, and it didn't work out. Just trying to figure out where to go from here and addressing the "move too fast" behavior is part of it.
I really don't want this thread to derail into being about that one relationship decision. I'd still rather focus on the motivations and consequences behind that behavior.
Or after the sex he didn't feel any chemistry there...I'm going to assume, that it has nothing to do with the timing of sex.
No, I doubt that. We had sex at least twice more after the first time, and he was still talking about "next time" right before he told me that he always felt guilty after having sex with me. From there the conversation went to, "should we really be doing this?" And then, it just sort of fell off a cliff. I really just think it was more about his moral values than anything. He has some emotional discord he's dealing with too... lots of baggage. The sex was super-hot.0 -
We had sex at least twice more after the first time, and he was still talking about "next time" right before he told me that he always felt guilty after having sex with me. From there the conversation went to, "should we really be doing this?" And then, it just sort of fell off a cliff. I really just think it was more about his moral values than anything. He has some emotional discord he's dealing with too... lots of baggage. The sex was super-hot.
Seems in this specific case, the guy has issues (perhaps intimacy, religious guilt about sex or maybe he's just not over an ex, who knows?) and something probably would have come to light regardless of the timing of sex.0 -
We had sex at least twice more after the first time, and he was still talking about "next time" right before he told me that he always felt guilty after having sex with me. From there the conversation went to, "should we really be doing this?" And then, it just sort of fell off a cliff. I really just think it was more about his moral values than anything. He has some emotional discord he's dealing with too... lots of baggage. The sex was super-hot.
Seems in this specific case, the guy has issues (perhaps intimacy, religious guilt about sex or maybe he's just not over an ex, who knows?) and something probably would have come to light regardless of the timing of sex.
Yes, I realize that (it's likely all of the above, honestly). Or at least, I'm trying to accept that. Just trying to decide if I need to change my behavior.
Like I said, rushing into sex hasn't really worked out for me in the past. I feel like I may have sabotaged this relationship in my own way.
I think part of what keeps me befuddled on this is, in spite of his issues that I'm well aware of, he continues to date and look for a potential mate. And I know that it is his head that is screwed up, and no I don't need a head case in my life, but I'm just wondering if I have issues that I too need to address.0 -
I honestly think that a man who will put out for me on a first date is not husband material.
True LOL
why is it always about the man and his perception, WTF about ours !!!
Actually, this question came up as the result of a failed fling... (Yes, tubesocks, I'm still licking my wounds, I told you about him before, this wasn't just a crush for me... we are talking years here).
I realize now that I was well-aware that this man was very traditionalist. And no, he did not judge me for it. But I had an opportunity to finally have the relationship that I wanted with him, and things went really south after sex. He basically said that he knew I wasn't the right one even though he had been all about it at first, and the only reason that makes sense in my mind was that I had sex with him on the first date. Of course, we had known each other for years and were building on a solid friendship, so in my mind, we could skip the "getting to know each other" phase, but like I said, I knew his cultural background and spiritual beliefs. I should have known it wouldn't work. I was impatient, and doing what I always do, and it didn't work out. Just trying to figure out where to go from here and addressing the "move too fast" behavior is part of it.
I really don't want this thread to derail into being about that one relationship decision. I'd still rather focus on the motivations and consequences behind that behavior.
Or after the sex he didn't feel any chemistry there...I'm going to assume, that it has nothing to do with the timing of sex.
No, I doubt that. We had sex at least twice more after the first time, and he was still talking about "next time" right before he told me that he always felt guilty after having sex with me. From there the conversation went to, "should we really be doing this?" And then, it just sort of fell off a cliff. I really just think it was more about his moral values than anything. He has some emotional discord he's dealing with too... lots of baggage. The sex was super-hot.
I agree with Ty. In this instance, I dont think it had to do with the timing of it. Firstly, as you've known each other for years then the emotions (as per Casta's point) were already there. And secondly, because you had sex again......and again.
Having read your account of the situation, I think the problem is all his and really nothing to do with you, or the way men percieve women in general. Just that this guy was has issues with 'his' behaviour. Perhaps 'his' emotions weren't in place and he felt guilty for that??
What I'm saying is, even if you hadn't had sex for 5 dates, then he'd still be having these issues..........?
I went out with a guy once that, after we got all hot and bothered, refused to have sex with me becasue it was the second time in one day. He said it was 'sins of the flesh'.......this was some time into our relationship....... :huh:0 -
I agree with Ty. In this instance, I dont think it had to do with the timing of it. Firstly, as you've known each other for years then the emotions (as per Casta's point) were already there. And secondly, because you had sex again......and again.
Having read your account of the situation, I think the problem is all his and really nothing to do with you, or the way men percieve women in general. Just that this guy was has issues with 'his' behaviour. Perhaps 'his' emotions weren't in place and he felt guilty for that??
What I'm saying is, even if you hadn't had sex for 5 dates, then he'd still be having these issues..........?
I went out with a guy once that, after we got all hot and bothered, refused to have sex with me becasue it was the second time in one day. He said it was 'sins of the flesh'.......this was some time into our relationship....... :huh:
Yeah, I get that. Sucks for me. Anyway, should I be working on behavior modification or my feelings or something? I can't say I am entirely happy with the way I handled myself in this situation. At the moment, we aren't even on speaking terms, and it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, he just pushed me farther and farther away. I suppose he would have done that anyway. But I'm just trying to find the life lesson in this. I lost a friend, and I really have nothing to show for it, other than some great memories that only make me wish I could do it again. LOL!0 -
We had sex at least twice more after the first time, and he was still talking about "next time" right before he told me that he always felt guilty after having sex with me. From there the conversation went to, "should we really be doing this?" And then, it just sort of fell off a cliff. I really just think it was more about his moral values than anything. He has some emotional discord he's dealing with too... lots of baggage. The sex was super-hot.
Seems in this specific case, the guy has issues (perhaps intimacy, religious guilt about sex or maybe he's just not over an ex, who knows?) and something probably would have come to light regardless of the timing of sex.
Yes, I realize that (it's likely all of the above, honestly). Or at least, I'm trying to accept that. Just trying to decide if I need to change my behavior.
Like I said, rushing into sex hasn't really worked out for me in the past. I feel like I may have sabotaged this relationship in my own way.
I think part of what keeps me befuddled on this is, in spite of his issues that I'm well aware of, he continues to date and look for a potential mate. And I know that it is his head that is screwed up, and no I don't need a head case in my life, but I'm just wondering if I have issues that I too need to address.
Maybe you were not right for him. (Guessing that the case here)
Why is it an issue if he continues to date other people?0 -
We had sex at least twice more after the first time, and he was still talking about "next time" right before he told me that he always felt guilty after having sex with me. From there the conversation went to, "should we really be doing this?" And then, it just sort of fell off a cliff. I really just think it was more about his moral values than anything. He has some emotional discord he's dealing with too... lots of baggage. The sex was super-hot.
Seems in this specific case, the guy has issues (perhaps intimacy, religious guilt about sex or maybe he's just not over an ex, who knows?) and something probably would have come to light regardless of the timing of sex.
Yes, I realize that (it's likely all of the above, honestly). Or at least, I'm trying to accept that. Just trying to decide if I need to change my behavior.
Like I said, rushing into sex hasn't really worked out for me in the past. I feel like I may have sabotaged this relationship in my own way.
I think part of what keeps me befuddled on this is, in spite of his issues that I'm well aware of, he continues to date and look for a potential mate. And I know that it is his head that is screwed up, and no I don't need a head case in my life, but I'm just wondering if I have issues that I too need to address.
Maybe you were not right for him. (Guessing that the case here)
Why is it an issue if he continues to date other people?
Because his proclammation that he "can't" love another woman other than the ex... look he has issues that interfere with his relationships... but he continues to pursue relationships without addressing his issues.
I could care less at this point. He's not in my life anymore. He can do what he wants to do.0 -
As a man, depending on the connection I have no issue with it happening early. As far back as I can recall, other than my first, every woman I slept with happened on the first or 3rd dates. One of which I married and was with for 9 years. The problem you may run into are guys that only want sex, they will get it then move on.
^^^^ This.
If the right connection is there, it won't matter when you sleep with them. They will stick around and want to be with you anyway. And the guys who are out just for sex are going to bolt anyway. You wait to have sex in order to weed out the ones who just want sex. I personally think it is better to wait, regardless, because having sex so soon builds false intimacy with a person who is essentially still a stranger.0
