Mom is bringing me down

13567

Replies

  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,692 Member
    its ok my mom calls me fat too. i think im just right but my mom calls me a fat a** :cry:
    If It helps I think your skinny!:smile:
    aww your so sweet .. add me as a friend lets chat , since my mom dont talk to me cause im fat
    What the hell? NO!! Creep!:indifferent: :noway: :grumble: :angry: :huh: :huh: :huh:

    Troll status = amateur

    LOL
  • nilbogger
    nilbogger Posts: 870 Member
    You can usually exchange clothes without a receipt (as long as the tags are on).
  • Flab2fitfi
    Flab2fitfi Posts: 1,349 Member
    22.
    I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
    I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
    We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
    but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?

    People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. And they only change if they want to.

    This is a case of telling your mother straight up: Knock your crap off. If you don't, I'm walking out. And then actually do it.

    You can still have something of a relationship with her, just call her on her behavior and hold her to it. Anytime she starts her crap, walk out. Consistency. Eventually she'll get the message or she won't. But if you're putting up with it, that's on you.

    Absolutely this. My relationship with my Mom is much, much better since I called her out on talking about my weight about 6 years ago. I said it straight, that if she mentioned my weight once I was out of the door and would not talk to her. I paid for her and my Dad to have a long weekend with me while I was on a business trip to Europe, and I warned her that I was perfectly willing to pay to send her straight back home early. We get along just fine now and she doesn't share her comments with me. It's possible she has little venomous discussions with my sister, but I couldn't care less.

    I had to do the same with my mum. i live 250 miles away from her as i can't stand her toxicity. she is much better now as she has leant that the minute she starts with her barbs i'll put the phone down/walk away. It did take my sister kicking her out of OUR house after she decided to try and start an argument (and she was only visiting for 2 days) and telling her that her behavior is not acceptable. We have come to realise that she does have some mental issues and sometimes does not realise what she is saying but other times I'm sure she spends weeks thinking of nasty barbs - luckily I see her once every few years and talk a couple of times a month.
  • chadya07
    chadya07 Posts: 627 Member
    does your mom see herself as fat too? if you fit a medium and she sees you as an xxl she might have some issues.... like the kind people with eating disorders have...

    not making excuses but it just red flags me...

    i dont know how to make moms stop fat shaming, my mom has been doing it to a lesser degree since junior high school.
  • wibutterflymagic
    wibutterflymagic Posts: 788 Member
    This is obviously and abusive relationship on your mother's part so you have 2 options. Keep her in your life or distance yourself. If you want to try to keep her in your life then you need to basically go off on her and tell her how her comments are rude, insensitive and not something someone that is supposed to love you would do. Some people do not stop doing what they are doing until they, metphorically, get slapped in the face. If you have truly spoken to her in an agressive, dominant manner and she is doing this after such conversations then I'd say she has some major physiological issues that she needs help on and your best option is to cut ties with her. If she sends you stuff, don't open it and send it right back. Perhaps when you show her that you don't want anything to do with her because of her behavior she'll begin to realize what she is doing and change. Or maybe not. If not, then you have to continue making the decision whether you want her in your life.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,878 Member
    Just curious, are all your interactions with you mom like this, or only when weight comes up? Do you have any good times with her?
  • She is rude. It's her, not you. I understand your struggle very well.
  • lhmertz
    lhmertz Posts: 5 Member
    First and foremost, BIG HUGS to you and your amazing weight loss achievement.

    Now, as everyone else has said, you need to set boundaries with your mom. For some reason she is putting you down in order to make herself feel better - as a mom of a 16 yo daughter, I couldn't imagine making her feel like your mom makes you feel. Has your mom always been the 'perfect" weight? Has she never had a bad hair day? Your mom is the one with the problem, not you.

    Set the boundaries - I did this with my grandma, who used to think her comments were funny, yet they hurt so bad. I didn't say anything for years because she was my grandmother and I wanted her love and acceptance. One day I just had it, I stopped talking to her, even ignored her when I walked into a room! It caused an issue with my mom, who told me to sit and talk to her and explain what she's doing. So I did - i told her that I was in control of who made me feel like *kitten* and I chose to not let her make me feel that way any more. I told her how her comments made me feel and how insensitive she was and that I wasn't going to put up with it any more. She felt really bad, said she was only joking with me and claims she didn't realize it hurt. I didn't buy it but i felt so much better speaking my peace and letting her have it. I didn't yell, I didn't use bad words, i was respectful but honest.

    Your mom is your mom, will always be your mom. But you need to tell her exactly what her words are doing to you and set those boundaries. if she cannot show you the respect you so deserve, tell her you love her and then WALK OUT. Try again another day, but always be consistent. LOVE and RESPECT yourself - you deserve it. And demand that you get this in return from those in your life.

    God Bless and again, you have done an amazing job with your journey so far!
  • arrrrjt
    arrrrjt Posts: 245 Member
    I have had a TON of rocky times with my mom. It sounds like a break from her is definitely in order. I'm not TOO much older than you, but only now since I've moved to a different province, has she really become supportive. I am someone who has -always- struggled with diet, but love working out. I would be doing great with workouts, and really trying to eat better, and would still get tons of flack from her about my diet, and how she would go to Weight Watchers with me, blah blah blah. Now that I'm finally on the right track, she makes a point to always mention how great I'm looking - and I really do appreciate it.

    Just to say, it's (very) unhealthy now, don't give up on her forever.
  • Josalinn
    Josalinn Posts: 1,066 Member
    You can usually exchange clothes without a receipt (as long as the tags are on).

    And if you know which store it came from. Some of the "store brands" are tricky to figure out.

    Rather than donate, sell them at a consignment shop. Never been worn? The shops will love it, and if it really is cute stuff then it should sell. Then you can use the money to buy what you want.

    I hate to say it, but you need to GTFO. If visiting her is unavoidable and she tries to give you stuff, just leave it there when you leave. When she starts to talk about your weight, tell her to stop or you will leave/hang up/whatever, then do it.
  • uconnwinsnc1
    uconnwinsnc1 Posts: 903 Member
    She is jelly.
  • postrockandcats
    postrockandcats Posts: 1,151 Member
    It sounds as though your mom is an abusive jerk who will say whatever she needs to say to bring you down. Which speaks more of her than you. If she keeps it up, there's no shame in not having her in your life, regardless of blood ties.
  • I think that you don't talk to your mum for a while, in this time give 110% of what you got to be even better than before, then once this is accomplished you go to your mum and say look at me now! you can keep your stupid 'fat clothes'then really show it off to her. Then if even after that she calls you fats then that means something is wrong and you should get a new mum because if your best isn't good enough for her then you can definitely say I'm pleased with who 'I' am and I don't care what my mum says to me!
  • GothyFaery
    GothyFaery Posts: 762 Member
    There's no law that says you have to like your mother. Harsh, I know but it's true. I say cut all ties for a while (months or even a year). If she calls, don't answer. If she sends you stuff, reject it and have it returned to sender. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you.

    My mother and I have had a very rocky relationship for a long time now. There was a time where I cut all ties for 4 or 5 months. When I finally did reach out again, she treated me better and we have some kind of a relationship again. My sister cut all ties from her mother and hasn't spoken to her in years even though they live in a small town about 10 minutes away from eachother.

    You have to do what is best for you and it sounds like what is best for you is to take a break from your mom for a while. Stay tuff!
  • futuresize8
    futuresize8 Posts: 476 Member
    I have found that in relationships where I consistantly find myself feeling bad that it's perfectly acceptable to put some distance between myself and the person inflicting discomfort.

    You are young - so young! - and so you are still surprised and hurt when people aren't careful with your feelings. But I'll tell you something that took me many years to learn - We give people the power to hurt us. If you don't give that power to someone, you get to keep it.

    So, when your Mom buys you things that are too big for you, or offers you her "fat clothes," you're allowed to take back the power of her actions by saying, "I appreciate that you thought of me, but I don't care for these. Thank you, but no thank you."

    You're not fat. You're getting healthy and you should feel really proud. I know that parents are "supposed" to do everything right, but sometimes they don't. They're human.

    My mom loves me but she's purchased diet books for me and given them to me at birthdays and Christmas, you know, when everyone in the room has their eye on the recipient of the gift being unwrapped. Humiliating...well intended or not, still hurtful. I made a point to begin not packing those items up with the rest of my things and leaving them at her house. She finally got the message. :)

    Have confidence in yourself...you're doing just fine...
  • xixshaiyaxix
    xixshaiyaxix Posts: 83 Member
    I'm also 22. I have also dealt with indirect bullying from family. You have to set boundaries and distant yourself from her. Even if she is your mother. I have a distant relationship with my parents, and I am so much more happier. I am able to build my self worth and work on me. Unfortunately sometimes its our own close family that hinder us from moving forward and that make us feel the worst about ourselves. Please take my advice. You can do without the indirect manipulation and put downs. I promise you, having a distant relationship will make loving her so much easier. Love her from a distance so she can't hurt you anymore. Good luck <3
  • augustremulous
    augustremulous Posts: 378 Member
    I have to say, a lot of folks on this thread are suggesting pretty extreme measures. Cutting people out of your life doesn't work. The issue is still there. And you're not going to resolve it 100%, either, by confronting it over and over again. Families don't work that way. The best you can do is improve the relationship and manage it without letting the problems get too extreme.

    Yes, you have a negative relationship in your life. It's with one of your closest family members. Most people have that.

    First thing you have to realize: she's dealing with her OWN issue. It has nothing to do with you. She's projecting her bull**** on you, and the sooner you really get that into your head, you'll be able to deal with her with calm and objectivity.

    Second, you're not going to win the argument of telling her how she's supposed to act. Because all she has in her mind are her own intentions - she's not seeing it from a third person, unbiased perspective. And she's clearly not seeing it from your perspective, either. You're not going to be able to convey an unbiased perspective of how she should act appropriately. BUT you can make it clear how her actions are affecting you. And honestly, that's the best you can do. She might still think she's right, but once she know that she's hurting you, she has a choice about whether to continue that behavior or discontinue it.

    It's not going to work the first time. People get stubborn as they get older. And they also have trouble seeing how people change. I'm 31, and my dad says that whenever he looks at me he sees the 12 year old version of me in sneakers and a baseball cap, and he has to readjust to see me how I look now. Parents tend to do that.

    So my advice is this: Do not threaten to cut her out. She has not reason to work on your relationship if you're not showing that you're committed to working on the relationship. It's a needless confrontation. And every time she says or does something, tell her how it affected you. Calmly. Every time. And be perfectly consistent. Use, strong, firm words. Don't sugarcoat anything. And don't attack her or insult her.

    And just accept that it's an ongoing thing, and it's going to be several conversations before she really gets it in her head.
  • PwrLftr82
    PwrLftr82 Posts: 963 Member
    I'm 32 and have a similar relationship with my mom. She tells me to stop lifting because I have "man arms" and when I bulk she comments about how I'm "getting fat." Honestly, I wish I had better advice, but just ignore her.
  • ChristineinMA
    ChristineinMA Posts: 312 Member
    22.
    I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
    I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
    We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
    but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?

    She is not actually trying. She "blows it off or says I'm over reacting" - she is disrespecting you and telling you that you cannot trust your own interpretation of things. She is belittling how you feel and ignoring all the evidence that you have lost a lot of weight.

    She may be your mom, but I am sure you can find other women in your life who are more supportive and respectful. Better to distance yourself from people that do not have your best interests at heart. Good luck - I have not seen my parents for many many years because of similar issues. It is not easy, but I prefer being an "orphan" than to deal with my abusive parents.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,999 Member
    22.
    I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
    I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
    We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
    but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?

    It sounds more like she's using you to feel good about herself by tearing you down. If you have discussed this with her and she tells you you're blowing it out of proportion, time to cut off contact for awhile (or forever).