Comment from my mother...what do YOU think!?
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This is my opinion...
I've lived on my own successfully since 15 years old. I know what its like to pay bills, support a child, and be mooched off of by friends. My almost 30 year old brother still lives rent free at my parents. That being said...
You did the right thing. You'll have to make a lot of decisions like this in life, you will NEVER be able to please everyone. This woman needed immediate help and you stepped in. The only thing I can say is, you took extraordinary measures to help and show this woman that you care. If you're not already, do the same, even more so, for your mom. Express your gratitude and appreciation for everything your mom does for you. Help her cook the meals. Clean the house for her. If its true, tell you you love her and couldn't do it without her. And OFFER to help financially, don't make her ask. Sometimes you may have to insist. If you're already doing all this than you're everything a mommy should hope for.
This.0 -
You worked for that money spend it how you want. As far as I am concerned you don't really owe your parents anything but respect and love. You did not ask to be born your parents chose to have you and take care of you. The support you give your parents be that physical support, monetary, or emotional should be given out of love not obligation. Your doing everything your supposed to do to grow into a responsible adult. My son will always have a home with me as long as he is on the right path trying to better himself weather he can pay rent or not. You did a good thing!0
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It sounds a bit like mom was expecting the money you spent...If it was owed to her than you should have talked with her about your intentions before you decided on your own. It would be a let down to think that you had no say in money that you were counting on, even if it were for the purchase of something like a computer. I also think as most parents might that knowing the situation of the individual that you gave the money to may not sit well if she was worried that you were being taken advantage of. No good deed goes unpunished. She may worry that you are now an easy mark for someone who will see your kindness as an easy free ride. You may want to discuss with her what her thoughts on the situation are and why she got upset.
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Well I TOLD her I was going to start giving her money to help out more and it's settled at $100 a month. I didn't give her a choice this time. lol. It's not much, but it's 1/4 of my monthly income. She refused when I mentioned it this morning.0
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At the end of the Day you are going to reap what you sow. Just know by your sacrifice to this lady, it will come back to you in another form. Family is important, I would try to calm your mother down cause you live with her. Don't argue with your mom or try to provr yourself, just let that go and try to make peace as best as possible. I have paid my friends rent before, bought, clothes, diapers, food, utilities whatever. Let people borrow money, sometimes they pay back sometimes not however God has always provided me. Be of good cheer and know you did the right thing.0
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If she wants a new computer, and refuses the $100 a month, perhaps set it aside and use it towards a laptop or desktop down the road? You can get some decent ones for under $500 now. Or tell her the $100 is to help get a new computer. If its something she really wants, she might accept it easily.delaney056 wrote: »Well I TOLD her I was going to start giving her money to help out more and it's settled at $100 a month. I didn't give her a choice this time. lol. It's not much, but it's 1/4 of my monthly income. She refused when I mentioned it this morning.
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You don' t wanna hear your mom's mouth about things? Move out. Simple.
that seems a really silly comment to me.
People living together sometimes say thoughtless things, or angry things, or things they dont mean.
Every time my husband makes a comment I dont want to hear, I dont rush into moving out.
Why should it be any different if you live with your parent?
(am not talking about people living with constant verbal abuse - but moving out on account of a one-off angry or thoughtless comment - really? )
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OP, you did a very generous thing. Good for you!
As for your mom's comment, is there an agreed arrangement as far as expenses and such while you're living at home? Or is it just assumed that since you're still living there, your parents would continue to provide for you? Either way, it might be time to have a conversation with your mom about the situation.0 -
There are a ton of reasons for why she could have reacted this way. I would just ask, she is your mom, not a scary dictator (hopefully).
It is hard for anyone to give you tailored advice or an opinion of what is going on without personal specifics of your relationship with your mother. I guarantee you that my mother's reasoning would be 100% different than your mother's reasoning.
No two relationships are the same, . Similar, yes, but not the same. In this thread alone we have guesses from mothers, daughters, sons and fathers, strict parents, parents who want their babies out, parents who can't let go, runaways, etc. And you know whose guess is accurate? MAYBE one, MAYBE.
Unless your mother is abusive or make you homeless for questioning her, go discuss it over tea and hash it out with your momma so the trauma doesn't happen again.
Neither of you are right or wrong. You both just reacted differently to a situation for different reasons.
Good luck!0 -
forkofpower wrote: »I don't know, I'm not sure if it's normal for a 19 year old college student to have to start paying rent to her family already. I mean, if she graduated and had to live at home for a while, that would make sense, but at 19, you're just getting started in life, and still dealing with education/paying student bills/etc. It would seem kind of harsh to me to ask a 19 year old to pay rent if she wants to keep living at home during uni. Also, it sounds like OP is already pretty independent -- as long as it was her money she was giving, I don't see how the mother's comment was in any way justified.
19 is an adult. This is what is wrong with society now a days.
Nowadays? People look at the past with rose-colored glasses.
Well, "back in my day" (20+ years ago) my parents let me live rent free as long as I was a full-time student. I am now an educated and financially independent adult, thanks to my parents' help during those early years. And that scenario seemed to be pretty typical of most of the college kids I knew.
I don't think that providing a roof over the head of your 19 year old full-time college student is controversial at all. This kind of support gives kids the opportunity and incentive to get an education. If you kick them to the curb at 18 and tell them to go make a living, college probably won't be in the equation.
The kids I've known in that situation usually end up in low-end jobs struggling to make ends meet. I remember most parents I knew seemed to be telling their kids to either go to college OR go to the military OR get a job and pay rent OR get the heck out.
Parents can do what they want when their kid turns 18, but there's nothing wrong with those who want to provide better opportunities. Don't believe everything you see in the media. While there are many entitled, coddled kids out there, not ALL young people are spoiled brats and moochers. (High School Teacher, here.)
(Of course, letting your drugged out bum kid live in the basement, doing nothing all day is pretty screwed up. But there's no comparison with a full-time college student living rent free. A society that wants better for their kids is not screwed up.)0 -
forkofpower wrote: »I don't know, I'm not sure if it's normal for a 19 year old college student to have to start paying rent to her family already. I mean, if she graduated and had to live at home for a while, that would make sense, but at 19, you're just getting started in life, and still dealing with education/paying student bills/etc. It would seem kind of harsh to me to ask a 19 year old to pay rent if she wants to keep living at home during uni. Also, it sounds like OP is already pretty independent -- as long as it was her money she was giving, I don't see how the mother's comment was in any way justified.
19 is an adult. This is what is wrong with society now a days.
there are many things wrong with society and i am pretty sure supporting ones kids through college is not one of them.
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Holy Christ, this thread is amazing. Hats off to you, MFPers.0
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As an LEO I see the worst of the worst in people every day.......what you did was something you should be commended for. Every time I hear someone say something disparaging about the younger generation.......it's folks like you that stick in my head, and give me something to throw back at them. I only hope that my daughter has your level of care and compassion when she grows up...... We need more people like you Made me smile to read your post. ..........as my Dad use to say. "Good job kid!!"
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when i lived with my parents, its something i would have asked them about before I did it, just because i feel like they would want to have a say, and at that point, if im living in their house and its my mothers friend, i feel like she should get to have a bit of a say on it but i also know they would have said it was ok as long as it was money i had to spare. and even if they didnt, id do what i felt was right after telling her.
now if my mother said that i would just have reacted by being incredibly annoyed and pointing out when she had given people money and that its my money and she has no right to tell me what to do with it.
i think it would be a bit surprising and id want to ask my mom why she thinks that0 -
delaney056 wrote: »So, this topic isn't exactly fun and games. I'd like to get your opinion on something. I need to vent. Lol.
Yesterday, I went over to my friend's mom's house. She has been sick for awhile and hasn't been able to work. She had no money, no gas in her car, and no food. I gave her $100 so that she could get some gas, go turn in some job applications, and buy some food. Keep in mind, I'm 19 years old and thus still live with my parents. I work part-time (3 days a week, less than 20 hours) and am in college full-time for Nursing.
So I come home and (apparently this was a mistake) tell my mom what I did. She blew up at me and said, "Oh...so WE have to go without?" I am still seething after that comment. My reply was that we have food, we have gas in our cars, this woman can't eat. Only a few people will help her, including me. Most of her family is gone. You WANT a new computer...she is hungry...how are WE going without? I didn't borrow money from anyone else to give her. I gave her MY OWN money.
I just want to see how you all would have reacted and what you all think of this comment. I was surprised because I never thought she would have said something like that about me helping someone. She always taught me to help other people, yet when I get the ability to do that I get put down for it.
What you have done is commendable.
A quote I like "You should only ever look into your neighbours bowl to see if they have enough, never to see if you have as much as them"
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I think you did great helping out someone in need, and as you stated you help out in your old household when you can. I'm sorry your mom burst your bubble, but being the best person you can be in all situations is what its all about.0
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I didn't read all of the comments, so if this has been mentioned already, I agree
I think what you've done for your friend was very very nice/kindhearted and super compassionate...plus you will reap what you sow, so maybe one day you will be stuck in an unfortunate situation and someone will have mercy and compassionate with you as you've been with your friend! I have found that being a generous/compassionate person brings both tremendous personal rewards (makes me feel really good about myself) and helps others too. Being generous can also bring unscrupulous and calculating people around you, to "try" to take advantage of your generous and kindhearted nature too. That said, perhaps that's what your mother was thinking about when she snapped--maybe not, but perhaps....
Also, I wonder how often you bring your mother flowers or something of that nature, that doesn't have to do with money or food (you said you sometimes bring home food, so she doesn't have to cook. I wonder if you do little things that shows your mom how much you appreciate her (again, not by money...or by chores of taking her to the store and stuff like that), but little things like you did for your friend--to some people, things like a lovely bouquet of flowers, a card (that you've made yourself or purchased--telling her how glad you are that she's your mom and that she loves and cares and helps you--also along those lines, putting a $20.00 or so bill in the card, letting her know you know she doesn't want your money, but this is just a tiny token of how much you appreciate her--EVERY PAYDAY) and little things like that--I'm telling ya, if you were to do that, she probably wouldn't have snapped on you like that, knowing that you are not only kind, thoughtful and generous to others...but to her too.
Maybe you do these things, I just thought I'd add this in case you're not.
{{{{ Hugs }}}}}0
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