judged by your weight

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Replies

  • JocyChan
    JocyChan Posts: 59 Member
    jemhh wrote: »
    I hate how everyone downplays the importance of physical attraction in a potential mate. Physical attractiveness may be explicitly relative (eye of the beholder), but it doesn't matter how much of every other factor a person has if they're not physically attractive to you. That said, there are plenty of other factors which carry the same weight, all of which are weighted relatively as well.

    For me, what I deem as physical attractiveness is on the same level as a potential significant other's intelligence, empathy, kindness, and curiosity. I wouldn't be with someone I didn't find physically attractive even if other qualities were met. On the other hand, I wouldn't be with someone who I found extremely physically attractive, but also a boorish idiot with no imagination. I've done both of these before quite a number of times, and it was pretty awful for all parties involved.

    One caveat here is that, for me, the factors apart from physiology can boost one's physical attractiveness, but it doesn't work that way in reverse.

    If someone is not physically attracted to you, and won't consider to date you because of it, they are not automatically shallow. They are just looking for something different than you, and that's completely okay. Not everyone is going to find a person physically attractive, so what?

    By the sound of it, you wouldn't want to be with someone who won't date you regardless of your weight, so you're ahead in the situation by them coming directly out to say it instead of feigning attraction, and leading you on for no reason other than to not hurt your feelings. However, there are plenty of people who place differing levels of importance on different aspects, so just seek them out instead.

    Just remember, this is something EVERYONE has done at some point in their life when regarding strict physical attractiveness. We all live, or have at some point lived, in glass houses when it comes to this subject, so even if someone rejects us on the basis of physicality, we've all done the same exact thing before also. We are no better than the next person who has done the same.

    I think that these are all good points. I have no problem whatsoever with people admitting that they prefer X, Y, or Z as far as physical characteristics in a mate. It just seems really mean to say "you would be hotter if you lost weight" unless the person asked what it was about them that made the person not attracted to them. (If it was the latter, I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't ask questions that you don't want answers to. I mean, if I asked a person why they didn't find me attractive and said person said "your glasses make you look like a nerd" or "your hair is ridiculous" I really could only blame myself for asking at that point.)

    ^^^ This! If you did not ask for his opinion on it all it was rude and inappropriate for him to give it.

    However that does not take away from natural preferences. There have been legitimate social experiments and studies done on sexual attraction. It is not simply people being mean, although you are going to find that too, especially with online dating where you are perceived as "less as a person" I say it that way because people tend to be more mean online than in person.

    This should not discourage you from meeting people and searching, everyone has their own preferences, but it is important to recognize that natural reactions and instincts are a real thing.
  • suzeequu
    suzeequu Posts: 110 Member
    Acg67 wrote: »
    suzeequu wrote: »
    maybe i wasnt clear.........i dont anyone to settle for me or talk themselves into me. I am upfront and honest about where I am with my weight. I told him from the get go and sent full body pics. He was honest, and I was not upset..hurt me with the truth rather than deceive me with a lie is what I always want. My point is, that it was an eye opener that weight truly is a barrier in dating and I guess it is a harsh pill to swallow. Especially when someone tells you you are very pretty, eloquent in how you speak, educated, have a good moral compass..etc...but they just cant get past your physicality. I dont hate myself, nor do I let others determine my self worth. It just shocked me that he couldnt just leave it at YOU ARE TOO OVERWEIGHT..but instead said he would rather date an unattractive, unemployed, uneducated woman if she was thin because that is all that matters to him. I never even met him....and yes I was glad he was honest..but a little too brutally honest .

    Physical attractiveness plays a part in dating? Never would have guessed

    clearly you didnt read my initial post where I state there is nothing wrong with someone wanting a certain type.....
  • lemurcat12
    lemurcat12 Posts: 30,886 Member
    suzeequu wrote: »
    It just shocked me that he couldnt just leave it at YOU ARE TOO OVERWEIGHT..but instead said he would rather date an unattractive, unemployed, uneducated woman if she was thin because that is all that matters to him. I never even met him....and yes I was glad he was honest..but a little too brutally honest .

    Yeah, agreed, that's over the top and unnecessary. It would make me a lot less sad about him not being interested, though, so look on the bright side.
  • suzeequu
    suzeequu Posts: 110 Member
    _dracarys_ wrote: »
    You're making a blanket statement based on ONE guy's opinion?

    i did not make a blanket statement..I was citing an example just to see if anyone else had experienced this kind of thing... maybe you have never been on the receiving end of someone saying something like that to you....no different than someone saying..gee I find you great in every way, except the color of your skin as mentioned in one of the other comments...
    I was raised with manners...I had a man show up once to meet me and he was about 100 lbs heavier than a pic he had posted...did I feel the need to insult him? NO...I left him his dignity. Thats not lying, that being compassionate to someone.
  • peachyfuzzle
    peachyfuzzle Posts: 1,122 Member
    At that point, a person being uncouth affecting your mood is more on you than it is them, in my mind. You cannot control what a person says/does, but you can most certainly control your own personal reactions to what they say/do.
  • suzeequu
    suzeequu Posts: 110 Member
    joejward95 wrote: »
    No, its not ingrained to go after a partner with the same skin tone (im not a biologist, maybe there is some preference. Ill have to look into it later). I personally am more attracted to someone who is Caucasian, maybe its a coincidence that I am Caucasian as well? I don't know enough to tell you for sure. But this is not what I was discussing. Dont bring up race to try and then imply I am a bigot of some form. The fact is that being overweight = greater risk at childbirth , greater risk of illness, implies they have a lack of discipline and care for themselves. Would you want to date someone like that? Because the for the huge huge majority of overweight people this is the case.

    My sister is a size 2...skinny isnt always healthier..her cholesterol, triglycerides and sugar are all elevated and I run circles around her at the gym..of course, being overweight increases your risk factors which is why we are all trying to get healthier.. but dont assume that skinny= healthy..not always the case
  • suzeequu
    suzeequu Posts: 110 Member
    yopeeps025 wrote: »
    suzeequu wrote: »
    Right ... but to say weight trumps education ...employment....etc....adds insult to injury ...just say I don't like plus size woman...especially when I'm honest enough to say that's who I am...and he was a very out of shape man himself...

    Did you really like this person?
    no..it didnt get that far...he started the conversation with...GEE YOU ARE REALLY PRETTY BLAH BLAH BLAH..but here is a hint..MEN WOULD RATHER DATE AN UGLY, STUPID, UNEMPLOYED GIRL IF HER BODY IS GOOD.... than someone overweight.... it was quite a perspective to hear, and while some may think it, he was the first one to say it so directly. I have no problem dating men who liked me 74 lbs ago and today as well...I have learned a lot on this journey of weight loss..and most of all is that anyone who is trying to better themselves is already a winner . its all about the love :)

  • GymnasticsMommy
    GymnasticsMommy Posts: 80 Member
    Well.. With that man at least he was honest with you.. And now you honestly know how shallow he is :)
  • suzeequu
    suzeequu Posts: 110 Member
    At that point, a person being uncouth affecting your mood is more on you than it is them, in my mind. You cannot control what a person says/does, but you can most certainly control your own personal reactions to what they say/do.

    i didnt react..there were no tears shed, I actually laughed out loud because yes, we can all be a little more brazen behind the computer. Its all about the delivery is my point... I prefer bald, some facial hair , tattoos..so I wouldnt message a man if I was still online that I did not find attractive based on his pics!! let alone, message him knowing how he looks ( as this jerk did because I had a full body pic posted) only to hurl an insult. again..manners are a lost art in some. I can like someone so very much and sometimes they can fit the pic on all levels of what I want, and for reasons unknown, it doesnt click. it is either there or it isnt. we all want what we want, and I am 100% guilty of that myself. loving everyones perspectives
  • suzeequu
    suzeequu Posts: 110 Member
    Well.. With that man at least he was honest with you.. And now you honestly know how shallow he is :)

    see..YOU get it...lol... .... he just needed to pass me by without the need to tell me how I need to better myself so men would like me. I have no probs in that area. I just wanted to start a thread..and oh boy have I <3

  • suzeequu
    suzeequu Posts: 110 Member
    mkakids wrote: »
    suzeequu wrote: »
    I've been there. Had guys tell me things about my weight. One said id be hotter if I lost weight.

    There is a good man out there who will love you at any size.

    I guess I know I would never be so shallow..dont get me wrong, we all have our types and there is nothing wrong with that. But to come right out and say that ??? I guess people dont know where Ive been and how hard I have fought to get here.


    There is a difference between having a "type" and being an ***hole.

    exactly
  • 607sara
    607sara Posts: 31 Member
    suzeequu wrote: »
    maybe i wasnt clear.........i dont anyone to settle for me or talk themselves into me. I am upfront and honest about where I am with my weight. I told him from the get go and sent full body pics. He was honest, and I was not upset..hurt me with the truth rather than deceive me with a lie is what I always want. My point is, that it was an eye opener that weight truly is a barrier in dating and I guess it is a harsh pill to swallow. Especially when someone tells you you are very pretty, eloquent in how you speak, educated, have a good moral compass..etc...but they just cant get past your physicality. I dont hate myself, nor do I let others determine my self worth. It just shocked me that he couldnt just leave it at YOU ARE TOO OVERWEIGHT..but instead said he would rather date an unattractive, unemployed, uneducated woman if she was thin because that is all that matters to him. I never even met him....and yes I was glad he was honest..but a little too brutally honest .
    suzeequu wrote: »
    Acg67 wrote: »
    suzeequu wrote: »
    maybe i wasnt clear.........i dont anyone to settle for me or talk themselves into me. I am upfront and honest about where I am with my weight. I told him from the get go and sent full body pics. He was honest, and I was not upset..hurt me with the truth rather than deceive me with a lie is what I always want. My point is, that it was an eye opener that weight truly is a barrier in dating and I guess it is a harsh pill to swallow. Especially when someone tells you you are very pretty, eloquent in how you speak, educated, have a good moral compass..etc...but they just cant get past your physicality. I dont hate myself, nor do I let others determine my self worth. It just shocked me that he couldnt just leave it at YOU ARE TOO OVERWEIGHT..but instead said he would rather date an unattractive, unemployed, uneducated woman if she was thin because that is all that matters to him. I never even met him....and yes I was glad he was honest..but a little too brutally honest .

    Physical attractiveness plays a part in dating? Never would have guessed

    clearly you didnt read my initial post where I state there is nothing wrong with someone wanting a certain type.....

  • MindySaysWhaaat
    MindySaysWhaaat Posts: 401 Member
    yopeeps025 wrote: »
    Everyone has preferences. If someone asked me out and I didn't find them attractive for whatever reason (weight, appearance etc) I'd probably just be polite and say "I'm sorry, I'm just not interested in you that way." I wouldn't tell them a specific reason because even if I don't like how someone looks, I wouldn't want to make them feel self conscious.

    That being said, if a person is rude about telling someone they're not attracted to them, then that's just plain wrong. It sounds like the person you're talking about was probably in this category. Sorry you had to deal with that. Shrug it off, and move on.

    Well I do agree with you but sometimes some women want to know why they are undateable by the guy they are talking to. If it is the truth well you got the answer right.

    Yes I might sound a little odd but when you had women say your unattractive because of looks well it is what it is to them.

    This is one of those situations where there's no win. So, you either make her upset by telling her that you're not attracted to her in general, or you tell her you're not attracted to her because of appearance, and she'll get mad and call you a shallow jerk. Guys are the same way when you tell them you're not attracted. People in general always want to know why, but it's not always helpful to know.
  • 607sara
    607sara Posts: 31 Member
    It really comes down to acceptance. While I believe we all have a type we're attracted to, there comes a time when you start to appreciate certain attributes over more physical ones. This whole thread has actually scared me off of the whole dating thing. I'm going to keep working on myself and if I'm happy with me and if I might not measure up to someone else's ideals then that will be their prerogative and I won't let it diminish my self-esteem.
  • suzeequu
    suzeequu Posts: 110 Member
    607sara wrote: »
    It really comes down to acceptance. While I believe we all have a type we're attracted to, there comes a time when you start to appreciate certain attributes over more physical ones. This whole thread has actually scared me off of the whole dating thing. I'm going to keep working on myself and if I'm happy with me and if I might not measure up to someone else's ideals then that will be their prerogative and I won't let it diminish my self-esteem.

    well said.... a pretty face and perfect body can hide a black heart, just as easily as an overweight unattractive one can. I have never let that idiots comments stop me from being who I am or loving myself..just bummed me out for a new york minute. I lost no sleep over it lol.. life is too short :)
  • ReineJade
    ReineJade Posts: 42 Member
    I recently dated a man I met online six months earlier. I was also upfront and honest about my weight and sent plenty of recent pictures so there were no surprises when we met. The hardest part was that we fit each other so well in every way, we had a wonderful time together, but despite him knowing I was actively working to lose weight, he couldn't get past the fact that I weighed more than he did. I think he struggled with it, but it bothered him. I was really hurt when he said he'd rather we remained friends. He was as kind as could be about communicating his feelings to me, but it didn't take away the sting. I think what we all want is someone who can accept us as we are, and encourage our healthy habits and goals. I've taken motivation from our relationship. I'm not a spiteful person at all, but let me tell you- I cannot wait to send him my pictures once I've reached my goal weight! I have a feeling he will rethink the choices he made. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to meeting and dating men who are pleased with me exactly as I am.
  • suzeequu
    suzeequu Posts: 110 Member
    ReineJade wrote: »
    I recently dated a man I met online six months earlier. I was also upfront and honest about my weight and sent plenty of recent pictures so there were no surprises when we met. The hardest part was that we fit each other so well in every way, we had a wonderful time together, but despite him knowing I was actively working to lose weight, he couldn't get past the fact that I weighed more than he did. I think he struggled with it, but it bothered him. I was really hurt when he said he'd rather we remained friends. He was as kind as could be about communicating his feelings to me, but it didn't take away the sting. I think what we all want is someone who can accept us as we are, and encourage our healthy habits and goals. I've taken motivation from our relationship. I'm not a spiteful person at all, but let me tell you- I cannot wait to send him my pictures once I've reached my goal weight! I have a feeling he will rethink the choices he made. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to meeting and dating men who are pleased with me exactly as I am.

    best post of them all. I accept that I am not everyones type and I know it is from bad choices I made for a really long time. I want to look good for myself first !! you really put it very well. thank you :)
  • nopotofgold
    nopotofgold Posts: 164 Member
    Look, it horrible that he added all that stuff. I don't understand why you didn't just tell him to look in the mirror if he was over weight. Why be nice if they aren't? Passive aggressive is bad for your health.
  • alicaramik2
    alicaramik2 Posts: 71 Member
    All of this, in a nutshell, is why I have made the decision to opt out of the whole dating and romance thing. If I'm going to be on my own for the rest of my life, fine. I have no interest in setting myself up for that kind of unpleasantness.
  • pineapple_peach10
    pineapple_peach10 Posts: 239 Member
    edited March 2015
    Aine8046 wrote: »
    One said id be hotter if I lost weight.
    Well, that's true for most people - we typically look more attractive ("hotter") when we have healthy weight. Whether you want to hear the truth or not from the person you date is a different question. I prefer the truth and I did not get upset when I was told that I was getting fat recently. In fact, it motivated me quite a bit :)

    Yeah I agree. I guess I should have added that the guy who said this was a total dick all around. It wasn't really the comment, it was more about who it was from. If it was said in a nicer, motivational, somewhat sensitive way then that's fine but he was just being a total @$$ about my weight (and other things).