Ultimatum weight loss.

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Replies

  • acorsaut89
    acorsaut89 Posts: 1,147 Member
    edited August 2015
    As many others have said, this isn't a very nice way to be treating the woman you made a commitment to. You guys are married and I think it could be time to re-evaluate. Maybe he doesn't mean what he said, I don't know him so can't say, but maybe you guys are different and it's just not working anymore . . . but the way he wanted to communicate that didn't come out right. Maybe it's not about the weight, per se, it's just the first thing that came to mind for him to say hey, this isn't working, we aren't on the same page anymore and he doesn't know if he feels like there's anything he can do to make it work. That can happen . . . and that doesn't make anyone in particular "the bad guy" it just happens.

    Also - has he considered that you stayed faithful and loyal (assuming you did - no judgment, though) and worked while he was deployed (presumably overseas) for long periods of time. You were a married single parent - that's got to be hard.

    So yes, while he was serving his country you also played a part in that and he had a home to come home to when he was done his time overseas.

    I get that there's got to be some kind of physical attraction between you and your partner buuuuuut there should be so much more to your life than just that. Like what if he was in a horrible accident and was disfigured - would you leave him because he lost a leg or he has burn scars or whatever? I think, from personal experience (as I was in an emotionally abusive relationship myself) you both need to re-evaluate the marriage. Maybe it isn't right and it is time to go your separate ways (no blame or shame in that) but even if that is the case, you in no way shape or form deserve to be treated or talked to like that. He should definitely have more respect for you than that.

    Feel free to reach out if you ever need to chat or need some support :)
  • mallory_2014
    mallory_2014 Posts: 173 Member
    You don't need to change for anyone but yourself. If he really does love you, as a husband should, he should love you regardless of your size. If he doesn't, he does not truly love you. I personally would never put up with anyone I am with telling me that my weight is something that needs to change. Love me for me, or don't love me at all.
  • LeslieB042812
    LeslieB042812 Posts: 1,799 Member
    labgirl26 wrote: »
    Thanks, that is exactly my thought as well, including the toned backside :) We are trying to work it out, he is kind of remorseful this week. But what was said was said. He has agreed to counseling.

    I'm so glad to hear that he's agreed to counseling.....that's so important! Your comment that he recently retired from the military made a light bulb go off in my head. I don't know from personal experience, but from what I've read, that can be a very difficult and unsettling transition, for everyone in the family and especially the retiring service member. His whole world is changing (and yours too) and he might not know where his place in it is right now. I hope that you two go to a counselor with experience with military families because it certainly seems that there might some other aspects of the situation that might be the root of the problem.

    Good luck to both of you!!!!
  • Sinnister78
    Sinnister78 Posts: 134 Member
    I truly don't understand men like this. It takes a special kind of woman to raise children and tend to the household when you are not their. Regardless of why he wasn't there, its a rare breed of woman who remains in a marriage where her husband can't help shoulder the responsibility of child raring due to work.

    Every marriage is different, so all I can really offer you is moral and electronic emotional support.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
    edited August 2015
    Is he mean to you? Or just concerned? Is this the first time the issue is discussed, or has he hinted before that your weight is a concern to him? Could it be he is feeling you cannot participate in activities he would like you to because of your weight or health, is he concerned about your health? If he has in the past expressed he would hope you could lose weight, could it be he is getting the feeling you do not think his feelings matter or do not want to put the effort into this for his sake? If he has expressed in the past that he does not find extra weight attractive (and no one can control what he/she findt physically attractive) and nothing has changed over years, maybe he is feeling that physical attraction and this side of the marriage is something you have lost interest in?
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    hugheseva wrote: »
    I don't understand why so many people are saying "it's over" without knowing more than a handful of words he's said. This is a 25 year marriage, not a brand new relationship. Hell, my bf and I have had similar conversations about my weight that didn't sit well, and even after only two years of dating, I'm not really ready to throw him into the wind just because he's said what he did. Does it cause me to pause and reevaluate our position every so often? Of course, but I would like to continue to try and solve this issue first - because we love each other.

    To make things short, OP, lose weight for you. Handle your marriage as you see fit, knowing so much more context about what he said, how he said it, and how it's affected you than any of us do. Regardless of whether this problem has the potential to break your marriage, or it's something you believe might pass with time, I'd recommend counseling. After 25 years, it might help to reestablish some old lines of communication so you both know where you stand.

    This is the only intelligent comment here. On another note, I also wish MFP would be a forum that is aiming at the support of health, healthy living, and exercise and not a social chit-chat.

    Lolz.
  • EmmaFitzwilliam
    EmmaFitzwilliam Posts: 482 Member
    My husband repeatedly gave me the same ultimatum, and ultimately left me. And I'm much happier for it. I recommend that if you want to lose the weight, you lose it for yourself. If you try to lose the weight while still working on the marriage, congratulations, and I hope it all works for you. I can share some of the pitfalls I encountered while my ex was demanding that I lose the weight; send a private message if you're interested.
  • TnTWalter
    TnTWalter Posts: 345 Member
    edited August 2015
    this happened to someone close to me. But it was the woman not the man.

    She got super into fitness and nutrition about 5 years ago and he continued to not be fit or healthy. Their children were grown. He was close to 100 pounds overweight at the end of their relationship. They were married about 25 years.

    They got separated, he got his game on. Lost weight by eating well and working out. It maybe started out for her but it became for him. He is much healthier and happier.

    They got divorced. BUT....It's been about 2 years from time they first got separated. Ironically they stayed friends throughout, they now work out together, do races together and are now dating. I think it was hard for her to watch him self destruct.

    Best of luck to you.
  • mccindy72
    mccindy72 Posts: 7,001 Member
    hugheseva wrote: »
    I don't understand why so many people are saying "it's over" without knowing more than a handful of words he's said. This is a 25 year marriage, not a brand new relationship. Hell, my bf and I have had similar conversations about my weight that didn't sit well, and even after only two years of dating, I'm not really ready to throw him into the wind just because he's said what he did. Does it cause me to pause and reevaluate our position every so often? Of course, but I would like to continue to try and solve this issue first - because we love each other.

    To make things short, OP, lose weight for you. Handle your marriage as you see fit, knowing so much more context about what he said, how he said it, and how it's affected you than any of us do. Regardless of whether this problem has the potential to break your marriage, or it's something you believe might pass with time, I'd recommend counseling. After 25 years, it might help to reestablish some old lines of communication so you both know where you stand.

    This is the only intelligent comment here. On another note, I also wish MFP would be a forum that is aiming at the support of health, healthy living, and exercise and not a social chit-chat.

    So... Someone clicked on this thread for you instead of the fitness/health threads?
  • kkzmom11
    kkzmom11 Posts: 220 Member
    mccindy72 wrote: »
    Well this just breaks my heart. Your physical body is not all there is to you, and wasn't all this time. If he loves you, he needs to be by your side and work with you, not give you ultimatums. It will take you a long time to lose 85 pounds, and you both need to work through this whole thing together.

    THIS ^
    looks can change, personality can't. if he loved you then, he should love you now. if he is concerned about your weight, then he needs to support your efforts, not hurt you. IMHO, based on the brief info you gave regarding your husband, he sounds like a jerk.

  • CasperNaegle
    CasperNaegle Posts: 936 Member
    First you need to lose weight and be healthy for you. Looking good for anyone else is secondary. Second the many people saying things are over are really over the top. I don't support his ultimatum, but perhaps he just sucks at communicating. You do needs support and how awesome would it be if you could eat healthy and track things together. My girlfriend and I prepare food together, go to the gym together, it is such a great motivator having someone to do it with. I hope you are able to work though things, but be happy for you first!!
  • snowflakesav
    snowflakesav Posts: 644 Member
    This is very sad. I am sorry that your husband has not been supportive of your efforts to lose weight and has come up with an ultimatum. If you are behaving like an addict around food I hope he is supportive of you getting help with the things that are out of your control.

    This could be a real life changer for you. A time for you to get help and tools to make the life you want. Dream big.
  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,725 Member
    mccindy72 wrote: »
    hugheseva wrote: »
    I don't understand why so many people are saying "it's over" without knowing more than a handful of words he's said. This is a 25 year marriage, not a brand new relationship. Hell, my bf and I have had similar conversations about my weight that didn't sit well, and even after only two years of dating, I'm not really ready to throw him into the wind just because he's said what he did. Does it cause me to pause and reevaluate our position every so often? Of course, but I would like to continue to try and solve this issue first - because we love each other.

    To make things short, OP, lose weight for you. Handle your marriage as you see fit, knowing so much more context about what he said, how he said it, and how it's affected you than any of us do. Regardless of whether this problem has the potential to break your marriage, or it's something you believe might pass with time, I'd recommend counseling. After 25 years, it might help to reestablish some old lines of communication so you both know where you stand.

    This is the only intelligent comment here. On another note, I also wish MFP would be a forum that is aiming at the support of health, healthy living, and exercise and not a social chit-chat.

    So... Someone clicked on this thread for you instead of the fitness/health threads?

    :)
  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,725 Member
    I still can't help wondering if this was an actual loss weight ultimatum (lose weight or we're through), or a weight loss request (I really need you to lose the weight). Is there any difference with a topic that sensitive?
  • NCGOALIEMOM
    NCGOALIEMOM Posts: 74 Member
    I haven't read the 90 some responses, so I apologize if I'm repeating anyone. But... can you get counseling through your church or through a therapist? I think it's really needed. What I found is that 9 times out of 10, what they say is the issue, isn't the issue. There is something deeper there. And I'm sorry, but he's being a HORRIBLE husband. He is to love you NO MATTER what... not conditionally. You are not a barbie doll, you are the woman that gave birth to his children, who reared them alone, in his absence.

    If you are christian, please see a pastor at your church. The first thing they will tell him is that he's being an unworthy husband. He should wake up each day asking what can HE do to make your life better, and belittling you ISN'T how that gets accomplished.
  • labgirl26
    labgirl26 Posts: 13 Member
    Jeanmk56 wrote: »
    tomnev1 wrote: »
    labgirl26 wrote: »
    I am trying to save my marriage. I have 85 lbs to lose, I pretty much need to lose it or lose my husband. I have been overweight for 15 years of our 25 year marriage and he of course looks great. He was in the military and always worked out and stayed fit, even when deployed several times. I stayed home, worried, raised the kids and ate. Now he is telling me that it's an obstacle to our relationship, that he loves me but.....I am heartbroken but determined. Who knows. Maybe when I am done, I'll look too good for him.

    Read it and re-read it. Everybody will have sympathy with you, but here, as far as I can see, are the facts.
    1. Your husband loves you.
    2. Your husband is insecure that you don't love him and your kids enough to want to get healthy.
    3. Your husband has not reacted in a way that many would consider appropriate, helpful or supportive and this can be very upsetting.
    4. Your husband sounds kinda like a d!ck, but if he's been married to you for 25 years, he's probably a good guy.
    5. Your husband loves you - sorry but it needs to be said again - but he doesn't express it well.

    So here you go.
    1. Yes, that ultimatum was a God awful thing to do. It was nasty, but it's not his one defining thing. Don't use it as an excuse not to get healthy. Start a plan in spite of your husband's meanness, not because of it.
    2. Tell your husband how you feel. All men, myself included, hate it when our wives tell us how they feel. However after they genuinely say what is on their minds, we do actually listen.
    3. Ask your husband to be supportive and to help you with weight loss. If he was in the military, he's probably used to acting on orders of his CO, he might not be a great communicator. But he may be a good motivator.
    4. Watch shows like The Biggest Loser. I watch both the US and Australian versions. We have our own equivalent here in Ireland - Operation Transformation.
    5. Read the success stories here. Don't just read the people who lost 200 punds, but also read the ones who lost 20 pounds.

    Tell your husband that the ultimatum was very hurtful but that you do want to get healthy and with his help.

    ^^^^ I read all of the comments prior to responding and I like what he said ^^^^

  • labgirl26
    labgirl26 Posts: 13 Member
    me too
  • alsgal87
    alsgal87 Posts: 16 Member
    I am sorry he is acting like such a jerk to you! My first husband was looking for a excuse as well. I couldn't please him to save my soul. My second husband was also in the Army and is just a sweetheart! We have been married for 27.5 years and we have been through it all it seems. You for sure need to be doing this for you. I know it must seem like your world is going off kilter as it is. Be strong and I will be glad to pray for your success !