Single because....?
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i'm single because...
1) i'm picky
i was engaged to a guy for a little over three and a half years. even moved 200 miles to be with him only for us to break up barely a month later. he literally drove me crazy; i developed severe anxiety and depression because of the unhealthy dynamics of our relationship. and then when we broke up, it all went away and i have been very successful in managing it all ever since. looking back, i realized there was a whole lot more sacrificing than compromising on my part, which of course triggered everything. so now that i'm back at square one, i'm being a lot more selective and...it's really narrowed the dating pool for me -___- like a lot.
2) i'm looking in the wrong place
i do the tinder thing and have had my fair share of dates. granted, not that i expect anything serious at all, but i am pretty open to whatever happens as there were a couple of guys i felt i really connected with. however they failed to tell me of their side jobs as magicians because suddenly after a week or so they pull their final disappearing act... it's hard at first not to blame yourself, but with the whole tinder culture of "something better is just a swipe away", it's not the place to find a guy that is looking for the potential to find a deeper connection with someone. you hear of friends of friends finding their fiances and whatnot on there and you think "maybe i could too...?" NOPE. ughhhhh it's just a completely different ballgame nowadays trying to find someone. and it's a stupid ballgame. maybe i'll try going to church.0 -
Interesting bit on "looking in the wrong place"; thanks for posting ...
Quite a few of the people that I interrogate about this stuff have stopped "looking" in bars, or online, or whatever specific place since they feel that people that they'd be interested in would most-likely NOT be in those places (or, if they are in those places, they exist in such small numbers that they just can't be located in the masses).
To follow similar thinking, if you're not already a regular church-attendee, would you really be looking for someone that attended regularly? (really, you can replace "church" in that question with "car-show", "free-concert", "baby-shower", or whatever event/venue, right ??).
To me at least, this is where that VERY old advice to "Stop looking, do your normal things, and someone will come along" comes from... it doesn't seem to work to well either, but that advice does seem to have some merit.
Anyone have any solid thoughts on the 'where' and 'how' portion of beginning a new interesting relationship?
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I'm more of a "cast a wide net and see what you drag in" sort of a person. There is no perfect place to meet someone, so why not explore all your options?0
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I'm newly single as of about a week. My ex told me I was amazing and awesome and deserved someone better. Yeah, that's BS. I then see him out with a friend of mine Thursday and she's also Nate's ex - a mutual friend between us (he worked with my ex and I went to school with him). Classy eh? Lets just say I tossed a full beer on him and exchanged words with both. Picked up my crap yesterday from his house and didn't say a word. He looked sad and defeated. He brought this on himself and to change his feelings in a matter of days after a year and a half -then to go out with that (insert any nasty word here). Hope Karma kicks them in the butt!
I went from very sad to very mad in a week. Has been the worst week of my life.
I do want to put myself back on the market and then I don't. I thought I was done with the whole single life and was going to marry this man. To think I have to do it all over again - ticks me off. I will though because like my ex said - I deserve someone better!0 -
Well, your ex-dude sounds like he wasn't right about much, but he sounds dead-on about you deserving someone better... Anger is gonna be natural sine you were in a 'different relationship' than he was.
There's a thousand things to say, but really, sometimes it's more about being strong and being relieved that you didn't enter into a marriage with someone that was somewhere else all along.
... *kitten*' sucks though; sorry this happened to you0 -
Quite frankly, I do believe I am making myself attractive to the opposite gender and don't see how I could make myself any more so than I already am.
Do you like men? I'm not trying to be flippant or anti-lgbt or anything. Most men I know are very easy: be cute and/or be confident, and they will be attracted. They may not get past a first date, but they'll at least ask your number or hit you up on the dating sites. Whether you're petite or fluffy, confidence and self care go a long way.
NOT saying the only way to get the perfect partner is to be cute and walk with your head up. What I AM saying is that when someone says "I do believe I am making myself attractive to the opposite gender" I expect to see some proof in the pudding. I expect to see lots of guys asking you out. Even if they're not right for you.
Yes, I like men. I don't know why "there's no proof in the pudding", but it certainly isn't there. It never has been - I've been asked once in my life by someone that I couldn't pick out of a line-up because I never even knew who they were and they were too afraid to ask me themselves. He had my Dad ask me for him - I was 25, I'd assume he was a similar age. Awkward.
As for the people close to me not wanting to hurt my feelings or liking me with low confidence - I wouldn't call most of them very "close". Some are family, but most are acquaintances or co-workers, that when it comes down to it, really don't know me that well. I've had at least three people now indicate disbelief that I haven't been able to even get a date - one my sister, two my mother's former co-worker whom I know somewhat but not closely, and a co-worker of mine, whom I've known for less than a year - and she says it like it is and doesn't sugar-coat anything. I'm disinclined to believe the people that said I'm not a nice person to be around because of low confidence, low self-esteem, etc, because they don't know me at all. I've never met them, they've never seen me, we've never hung out - what they know about me is a post on a message board.
I don't know whats wrong with me or wrong with everyone else, but anything I'm doing certainly isn't working and I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I'm on the verge of just hanging this all up and not even trying anything anymore and if love finds me it finds me, if it doesn't I'll just have to learn to be happy being my myself.
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I'm shy and apparently unapproachable so no one even talks to me when I get dressed and go out./= I can be out all night with no one saying a word to me and when I do try to start a conversation they look at me like they don't know what to do with me./=
I go between being ok being single for months to months of woe is me why doesn't anyone find me attractive that on top of me gaining 10 pounds....and it seems like everyone else has no trouble clicking but there are very few people I even find myself liking. I should just give up for good I think.
Sidenote) I live in pretty much a retirement town with two colleges in it so me being 31 I'm middle aged here. They are usually way younger or way older.
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Where you live is pretty important... If you're ready to face the extortionate rents, it's a good option to move to a bigger city.I live in pretty much a retirement town with two colleges in it so me being 31 I'm middle aged here. They are usually way younger or way older.
It's easier to find people you can relate to "better" in bigger cities.0 -
1.- I live in an area where the dating pool for my age ( early 30s) is small reducing my chances of dating.
2.- I have social anxiety which limits my ability to approach girls
3.- I am not very attractive ( there I said it). The few times I tried to approach a girl I just found a cold shoulder, and being overweight does not help either.
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Quite frankly, I do believe I am making myself attractive to the opposite gender and don't see how I could make myself any more so than I already am.
Do you like men? I'm not trying to be flippant or anti-lgbt or anything. Most men I know are very easy: be cute and/or be confident, and they will be attracted. They may not get past a first date, but they'll at least ask your number or hit you up on the dating sites. Whether you're petite or fluffy, confidence and self care go a long way.
NOT saying the only way to get the perfect partner is to be cute and walk with your head up. What I AM saying is that when someone says "I do believe I am making myself attractive to the opposite gender" I expect to see some proof in the pudding. I expect to see lots of guys asking you out. Even if they're not right for you.
Yes, I like men. I don't know why "there's no proof in the pudding", but it certainly isn't there. It never has been - I've been asked once in my life by someone that I couldn't pick out of a line-up because I never even knew who they were and they were too afraid to ask me themselves. He had my Dad ask me for him - I was 25, I'd assume he was a similar age. Awkward.
As for the people close to me not wanting to hurt my feelings or liking me with low confidence - I wouldn't call most of them very "close". Some are family, but most are acquaintances or co-workers, that when it comes down to it, really don't know me that well. I've had at least three people now indicate disbelief that I haven't been able to even get a date - one my sister, two my mother's former co-worker whom I know somewhat but not closely, and a co-worker of mine, whom I've known for less than a year - and she says it like it is and doesn't sugar-coat anything. I'm disinclined to believe the people that said I'm not a nice person to be around because of low confidence, low self-esteem, etc, because they don't know me at all. I've never met them, they've never seen me, we've never hung out - what they know about me is a post on a message board.
I don't know whats wrong with me or wrong with everyone else, but anything I'm doing certainly isn't working and I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I'm on the verge of just hanging this all up and not even trying anything anymore and if love finds me it finds me, if it doesn't I'll just have to learn to be happy being my myself.
Hi I'm Dave. I used to be a regular on this group but got met a gal about 2.5 years ago who I married about 6 months ago. I don't have much reason to be on here now so I'm not. I don't know that I have any advise or relevant criticism for you. You are in a tricky position. What you are doing obviously isn't working but at the same time, any changes that you make aren't worth doing if they make you uncomfortable in who you are or make you feel like your are betraying what you like about yourself.
I can say that no one likes a person who brings them down. We all have stress and drama in our lives and no one wants to invite people into their lives who either add more stress or whose attitude numbs their senses. I can't reiterate how much of a downer it is to have been on a date and get the "my hair isn't perfect", "this isn't right", "that isn't right" or "I don't want to do this or that because ___" my blouse, my hair, my whatever will get messed up. About the only thing less attractive is being around a girl who is openly crying "what's wrong with me?" I mean that literally. I've been around a girl who was having dating problems and started crying like that. She is a personal trainer. She is 45 and has an imaginably nice body. Almost every guy who was there that night went from wanting to bang her to wanting to throw her in front of a bus.
The point is that attitude matters. Have a sense of adventure, don't focus on what you can't do and subdue any negative thoughts. I know it's easier said than done.
A specific about guys is that we are visually oriented. That doesn't mean that you have to have a body like the personal trainer that I mentioned above. It means that you have to look vibrant and worth talking to. It takes a whole lot effort to convince me to go into a restaurant that looks crumby from the outside than it takes to get me into a restaurant that looks nice outside. If the store front is clean and looks welcoming, I don't even need a recommendation to try it out. If the restaurant doesn't look clean or safe several friends are going to have to give me positive reviews and probably even drag me in their against my will to get me to try it. Comparing women to a restaurant can be taken offensively but please don't. My point is that if a woman doesn't have a presentation that makes her look inviting or positive or presentable in some way, the chances I would have ever approached her while I was single were effectively zero. If all my friends were telling you have to talk to her, she is an incredible person, I still would have passed. My thought would be that if she was that great and you know about her, why aren't you dating her?
Don't take this wrong. I don't know anything about you other than what I've read in a few posts in this thread and what I've seen your profile picture. The tendency on MFP is for people to be happy about their weight loss and to be beaming with happiness, especially if they have accomplished significant results. Your only profile picture looks like you are attending a funeral. Your top is black, your makeup is neutral, your hands appear to be clinched, your jaw is clinched and you are not smiling. You've lost 72 pounds. Why do you post a picture that looks like it was taken on the worst day of your life? If this picture is representative of your day-to-day presentation, I see much of the problem that people are telling you about. Wear more inviting colors. Put on some makeup that highlights your facial features and try to look more inviting. If nothing else, SMILE!
Take my comments for what you feel they are worth. I hope they do not offend. No malice is intended. Good luck to you in your dating endeavors.0 -
Thank you for your comments.
As far as attitude, I don't think I come across as a debbie downer - I sit right next to one of those at work. My attitude may seem more that way online here because I'm venting my frustration.
As far as my appearance, that is more or less my day to day presentation. I prefer a darker colored wardrobe - I really dislike bright colors. I'm usually in black, brown, dark blue, white, sometimes red. I have on no makeup, I don't wear any. I generally don't smile in photos because I feel the smile is fake. I don't smile what other people would consider often, I'm generally pretty serious, but I do smile when its natural, but when I force a smile I can feel its fake and I know someone else can tell its fake too. I don't smile unless its real. And yes, when I have a real reason to smile, I do smile. Maybe I have a higher "smile threshold" than others, I don't know. As for appearing clenched - I don't know...... I know this was one of several takes and this was the best one - I was probably getting tired of trying to coach someone on how to use the camera feature on my phone while the dog kept trying to get in the way. The one picture when I was laughing at the dog and probably had a natural smile came out blurry as all get out.
That being said, people have said that I look mean or that before they got to know me, they were scared of me. My pastor said when he first met me he thought I was some kind of ax murderer. When I asked about looking mean, a co-worker said its how I look at people, but I don't think I'm looking at people any differently than anyone else looks at other people, and I really don't know how else you look at someone than you just look at them. I say hello if they talk to me first, I'll talk to them if its someone I know. I smile when it feels natural. I laugh when something is funny. I'll join in a conversation if I'm being included. I don't really know why I'm so intimidating/scary to other people, but apparently I am.0 -
I'm single because I'm fat. That's the only reason I can come up with. I have a great network of friends, a career and a bubbly personality (most of the time lol). I'm not the most outgoing wild person, but I'm not the one in the corner afraid to talk either. I'm always the friend advising people about their relationships and listening to guy friends pine over women. No one's knocking down my door , never have. Guys I'm into aren't into me and the rare guy who shows interest isn't for me. I can't think of any other reason why I'm single.
Basically, MY type is the wrong type!
laurenz2501 wrote: »This..I'm a bit shy and a slight introvert. It takes a while for me to open up to new people and I know that doesn't help...
Seriously... the story of my life, all of these posts.0 -
I'm newly single. I was married for 7 years and one day she said I want you to leave. No warning...no reason just I want you to leave. I had open heart surgery in May where I had a 50/50 survival chance and I'm pretty sure that's why. I look at it like this though...if an aortic aneurysm can't kill me being single or dating should be a breeze.0
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Great attitude @painterm81, it will all work out I am sure. Congrats on surviving the surgery and being strong enough to move forward.
I am fat sure, my self confidence sucks and I am far too picky. That being said lol I do think I have a pretty good personality, a pretty face, and I am semi-intelligent. I'd like to think I am a keeper. I think I might be the last of a dying breed though in that I am also sort of old-fashioned.
I want a gentleman who opens doors, gets dressed nicely, and picks up the check on a first date. (I have been on dates recently where none of the above where met) I want the kind of guy who will someday ask my dad for permission for my hand in marriage and will get down on one knee to ask me. I am old-fashioned, I know it, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I am 29 and have had two boyfriends, and have been single for almost 2 years now. I have been on lots of dates and still suck at them lol, but I am nice to all the guys even if I don't see it going anywhere because you never know when you might make a new friend.
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Hey everybody, long time no see. I'm single again...
The girlfriend had a serious of unfortunate stressful life situations and decided to move back home to Australia. It's still unclear whether or not I'm invited, but she is gone now and the breakup is official... so unless something changes in the next few weeks, it appears I am back in the group.
Hope everyone has been well!0 -
Welcome back then. Good luck if you are searching, or whatever you choose to do otherwise.jesusHchris wrote: »Hey everybody, long time no see. I'm single again... The girlfriend had a serious of unfortunate stressful life situations and decided to move back home to Australia. It's still unclear whether or not I'm invited, but she is gone now and the breakup is official... so unless something changes in the next few weeks, it appears I am back in the group.
Hope everyone has been well!
Personally sorting some stuff out on my end before I get into anything serious.0
