Lost sex drive?

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Replies

  • benmullins4
    benmullins4 Posts: 678 Member
    It's a which comes first thing. The chicken or the egg. One spouse isn't feeling a connection, so they withhold intimacy from the other. The other isn't getting the intimacy that they desire, so they withhold other things. It's an ugly vicious cycle that most people don't break because they are unwilling to make compromises.
    "If I force myself to have sex with my partner, it won't feel genuine and I won't be into it." "If I continue do all of these things for my spouse, but I'm not going to get anything in return, what's the point?"

    9 times out of 10, it's the partner that's withholding the sex that doesn't budge. Not pointing blame, as there's a certain 'connection' that some people inevitably look for when it comes to sex with their spouse. Yet in the beginning, there wasn't any intimate connections. It was all attraction and fun. So now, because you have years invested into each other, sex can't be fun and adventurous any more? And even after your needs are met, there needs to be some timeline in which you feel it's time to invest back into your relationship?

    I'm sorry, but I call BS. Because I've been there. You relationship is the longest lasting business you'll ever invest in. And if you put the bare minimum in it because sometimes there are parts that aren't performing, you won't have a flourishing successful life. The squeaky wheel gets the grease people.

    If you don't want to invest in your business, then close up shop and go somewhere else. Most spouses find that leaving a relationship due to a lack of intimacy seems petty and makes them look like a bad person. So they stick it out and hope for the best. All the while, they're unhappy and neither spouse is fulfilling the other's desires.

    Each of you has someone out there that is willing and ready to give you everything that you want and desire, and you have what they want/need.
  • rps67
    rps67 Posts: 163 Member
    I just replied to your post on the other thread. I am so sorry you are going through this. As I mentioned, marital separation is considered to date from the last time you had sex. So if you have not had sex for a year legally you have been separated for 1 year. Speak to a lawyer as life is too short to live in a marriage without intimacy. You deserve to be with someone who wants you as much as you want him.

    In our state, you have to be living separately for a year if you have minor children (which we do). There are rare instances in which a couple has gotten divorced while sharing the same house, but there were people who could corroborate that the couple were not sharing a bedroom. The difficult part in my situation is that I own the house so I won't move out. If I did, I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage plus rent, so I'd probably have to file for bankruptcy. There are fault divorces in our state and I suspect I'm going to have to file for divorce based on constructive abandonment and that will force him out of the house. I don't want it to be ugly, but I don't feel like I have many options since he's digging in his heels. Right now I'm biding my time since we have a kid in college that we're paying for, but right at this moment, my plan is to hire a lawyer next fall and get on with it.

    Thank you for your advice, though!
  • JustMissTracy
    JustMissTracy Posts: 6,339 Member
    meendriss wrote: »
    Yyyyyup! Sex drive went bye bye, and it's sad, 'cause it used to be sky-high! But! I'm confident it'll come back. I'm all jiggly and self-conscious now and just can't get over how I look to myself long enough to enjoy sex. Oh, well...

    Cute little outfits can cover/camoflauge any jiggly parts....you can choose something that covers everything, but still comes across as sensual; In doing, you may feel more sexy, your hubs will definitely feel sexy stuff looking/touching you...and your sex drive could naturally come back quickly! Someone said it earlier, and they were right on the money: The less you do it, the less you want it. The more you do it, the more you want it. Give yourself a little push...it's worth it xo
  • pdm3547
    pdm3547 Posts: 1,057 Member
    meendriss wrote: »
    Yyyyyup! Sex drive went bye bye, and it's sad, 'cause it used to be sky-high! But! I'm confident it'll come back. I'm all jiggly and self-conscious now and just can't get over how I look to myself long enough to enjoy sex. Oh, well...

    Cute little outfits can cover/camoflauge any jiggly parts....you can choose something that covers everything, but still comes across as sensual; In doing, you may feel more sexy, your hubs will definitely feel sexy stuff looking/touching you...and your sex drive could naturally come back quickly! Someone said it earlier, and they were right on the money: The less you do it, the less you want it. The more you do it, the more you want it. Give yourself a little push...it's worth it xo

    Speaking as a guy, coming home to a girl who has unexpectedly dressed up for sex is one of the best things in the world!
  • JustMissTracy
    JustMissTracy Posts: 6,339 Member
    edited August 2016
    pdm3547 wrote: »
    meendriss wrote: »
    Yyyyyup! Sex drive went bye bye, and it's sad, 'cause it used to be sky-high! But! I'm confident it'll come back. I'm all jiggly and self-conscious now and just can't get over how I look to myself long enough to enjoy sex. Oh, well...

    Cute little outfits can cover/camoflauge any jiggly parts....you can choose something that covers everything, but still comes across as sensual; In doing, you may feel more sexy, your hubs will definitely feel sexy stuff looking/touching you...and your sex drive could naturally come back quickly! Someone said it earlier, and they were right on the money: The less you do it, the less you want it. The more you do it, the more you want it. Give yourself a little push...it's worth it xo

    Speaking as a guy, coming home to a girl who has unexpectedly dressed up for sex is one of the best things in the world!

    My hubs (together 23 years!) says the exact same thing...and he could care less about jiggle, wrinkles etc....gotta keep us all happy and excited!!
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,372 Member
    edited August 2016
    Francl27 wrote: »
    Bbg340340 wrote: »
    Francl27 wrote: »
    tuckerrj wrote: »
    Francl27 wrote: »
    Been married for 13 years. We have sex maybe twice a year. I'm just not into it anymore... I know my husband isn't happy but it's just really uncomfortable for me to force myself to do it. Losing weight didn't change anything (except make it harder for him probably).

    Honestly though, it doesn't help that I'm a SAHM and with kids over me all day the last thing I want is being touched. And to be fair, I'm not really attracted by my husband anymore either.. so it doesn't really help... but I was never really into sex in the first place, truth be told.

    But if he has sex outside of your marriage, he's the bad guy, right???

    Honestly? I wouldn't care.

    Why are you two still married? Just asking

    I'm a SAHM and I don't have any money. But we get along well (usually). We bicker a lot about things but I suppose that's normal after almost 15 years together. It's just that the spark has been gone for a while for me.. and we don't connect emotionally much anymore either (too tired at night, he gets home and does his things, the only thing we do together is watching TV)... so that really doesn't make me want to have sex (oh hi honey, I haven't really talked to you in ages but can we have sex? No thank you).

    I just don't think it's that uncommon when you've been together for such a long time and have kids. But it's not like I'd be interested in having sex elsewhere either... Personally, I need those 'emotional needs' met before even thinking about sex. I need the connection. It just hasn't been there in a long time.

    The bottom line though... I'm not sure it would be different with someone else. Even if I had money to move, met someone else, who knows that it wouldn't be the same after 15 years too?

    I don't want to pry into your personal life if you don't want to discuss it, but I'm always interested in hearing from people who have been married a long time. It's OK if you don't want to answer, but if you're willing to talk about it:

    Why are your emotional needs not being met? What's keeping you two from talking and connecting? Given that you're in it together for the foreseeable future, is it worth making efforts to connect more, or are you both genuinely content as is? I agree with you that your situation is not uncommon, but is it avoidable or fixable?

    We don't have much to talk about. He's always worried about some job issue, goes home and goes straight to doing his own things. He doesn't seem interested in my weight loss or fitness and frankly my life is so dull that it's not like I have much of anything to talk about either. By the time the kids are in bed, we're just too tired anyway and all we want to do is veg out in front of the TV... When we try to connect more (breakfast or lunch date) we just basically don't have much to talk about.

    It's a which comes first thing. The chicken or the egg. One spouse isn't feeling a connection, so they withhold intimacy from the other. The other isn't getting the intimacy that they desire, so they withhold other things. It's an ugly vicious cycle that most people don't break because they are unwilling to make compromises.
    "If I force myself to have sex with my partner, it won't feel genuine and I won't be into it." "If I continue do all of these things for my spouse, but I'm not going to get anything in return, what's the point?"

    9 times out of 10, it's the partner that's withholding the sex that doesn't budge. Not pointing blame, as there's a certain 'connection' that some people inevitably look for when it comes to sex with their spouse. Yet in the beginning, there wasn't any intimate connections. It was all attraction and fun. So now, because you have years invested into each other, sex can't be fun and adventurous any more? And even after your needs are met, there needs to be some timeline in which you feel it's time to invest back into your relationship?

    I'm sorry, but I call BS. Because I've been there. You relationship is the longest lasting business you'll ever invest in. And if you put the bare minimum in it because sometimes there are parts that aren't performing, you won't have a flourishing successful life. The squeaky wheel gets the grease people.

    If you don't want to invest in your business, then close up shop and go somewhere else. Most spouses find that leaving a relationship due to a lack of intimacy seems petty and makes them look like a bad person. So they stick it out and hope for the best. All the while, they're unhappy and neither spouse is fulfilling the other's desires.

    Each of you has someone out there that is willing and ready to give you everything that you want and desire, and you have what they want/need.

    In my case though... there was never really any attraction on my part. So I know I'm probably to blame there... but we got together because I liked him, not for his looks. We met online playing video games, and played together for months before we actually met. So I guess maybe that's why when we stopped having much in common (basically when I changed my lifestyle and started losing weight), it started to be a problem.

    I really don't disagree with you, but as I said, I can't leave. I have no money. So it's pretty much a moot point.

    I'd be curious about how it is with other couples who have been married for a long time though. I talked to some friends and they seem to have a lot of common with us (we even joked about how we treat each other the same way), but I didn't exactly ask them about their sex life, lol! I'm sure we seem like a normal couple to other people though, I know my husband is still into me. I know it's my fault, but it's just hard for me to have sex with someone I'm just not attracted to anymore.


    ETA: didn't want to hijack the thread. Sorry.
  • benmullins4
    benmullins4 Posts: 678 Member
    Hate to be blunt, but yes. You are to blame...
  • Heartisalonelyhunter
    Heartisalonelyhunter Posts: 786 Member
    edited August 2016
    pdm3547 wrote: »
    meendriss wrote: »
    Yyyyyup! Sex drive went bye bye, and it's sad, 'cause it used to be sky-high! But! I'm confident it'll come back. I'm all jiggly and self-conscious now and just can't get over how I look to myself long enough to enjoy sex. Oh, well...

    Cute little outfits can cover/camoflauge any jiggly parts....you can choose something that covers everything, but still comes across as sensual; In doing, you may feel more sexy, your hubs will definitely feel sexy stuff looking/touching you...and your sex drive could naturally come back quickly! Someone said it earlier, and they were right on the money: The less you do it, the less you want it. The more you do it, the more you want it. Give yourself a little push...it's worth it xo

    Speaking as a guy, coming home to a girl who has unexpectedly dressed up for sex is one of the best things in the world!

    My husband says the same thing! I love dressing up actually. Puts me in the mood.
    On another note this thread is depressing me. If you're married to someone you don't find attractive and don't want to have sex with then divorce them and let them move on. Let them be happy with someone else.
    Plus I'm not buying the 'I have no money' excuse because 50:50 division of everything. And child support. And you can always get a job.
  • pdm3547
    pdm3547 Posts: 1,057 Member

    My husband says the same thing! I love dressing up actually. Puts me in the mood.
    On another note this thread is depressing me. If you're married to someone you don't find attractive and don't want to have sex with then divorce them and let them move on. Let them be happy with someone else.

    It's a hard thing to hear, but this is absolutely correct!
  • Heartisalonelyhunter
    Heartisalonelyhunter Posts: 786 Member
    rps67 wrote: »
    I just replied to your post on the other thread. I am so sorry you are going through this. As I mentioned, marital separation is considered to date from the last time you had sex. So if you have not had sex for a year legally you have been separated for 1 year. Speak to a lawyer as life is too short to live in a marriage without intimacy. You deserve to be with someone who wants you as much as you want him.

    In our state, you have to be living separately for a year if you have minor children (which we do). There are rare instances in which a couple has gotten divorced while sharing the same house, but there were people who could corroborate that the couple were not sharing a bedroom. The difficult part in my situation is that I own the house so I won't move out. If I did, I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage plus rent, so I'd probably have to file for bankruptcy. There are fault divorces in our state and I suspect I'm going to have to file for divorce based on constructive abandonment and that will force him out of the house. I don't want it to be ugly, but I don't feel like I have many options since he's digging in his heels. Right now I'm biding my time since we have a kid in college that we're paying for, but right at this moment, my plan is to hire a lawyer next fall and get on with it.

    Thank you for your advice, though!

    Ahh I get you. I know it differs by state.
    Wishing you the best of luck for the future. You deserve so much more than this.

  • LeGaCyGiAnT91
    LeGaCyGiAnT91 Posts: 405 Member
    I agree, this thread is depressing as all hell. Makes me really appreciate what I have even more than I already do B) Nothing better than being dressed up when you get home. Yesss
  • JustMissTracy
    JustMissTracy Posts: 6,339 Member
    I agree, this thread is depressing as all hell. Makes me really appreciate what I have even more than I already do B) Nothing better than being dressed up when you get home. Yesss

    +1...I'm ready to go wake my honey and remind us both how lucky we are!!! LOL..j/k! I'll let him sleep instead, and remind him how lucky HE is!
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,493 Member

    By saying: "Dressed Up" do you mean, buck bare azz nekid,

    .... except completely wrapped in clear saran wrap while wearing a Carmen Miranda hat fruit bowl hat and swim fins?



    I can dream, dang it; I can dream
  • pdm3547
    pdm3547 Posts: 1,057 Member
    Motorsheen wrote: »
    By saying: "Dressed Up" do you mean, buck bare azz nekid,

    .... except completely wrapped in clear saran wrap while wearing a Carmen Miranda hat fruit bowl hat and swim fins?



    I can dream, dang it; I can dream

    I have this on my tinder profile, but I'll be damned if I can get a girl to swipe right on me.
  • LeGaCyGiAnT91
    LeGaCyGiAnT91 Posts: 405 Member
    Motorsheen wrote: »
    By saying: "Dressed Up" do you mean, buck bare azz nekid,

    .... except completely wrapped in clear saran wrap while wearing a Carmen Miranda hat fruit bowl hat and swim fins?



    I can dream, dang it; I can dream

    No.

    I am talking full blown lingerie at 5PM on a Friday!
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,841 Member
    In for women in lingerie.
  • JustMissTracy
    JustMissTracy Posts: 6,339 Member
    Motorsheen wrote: »
    By saying: "Dressed Up" do you mean, buck bare azz nekid,

    .... except completely wrapped in clear saran wrap while wearing a Carmen Miranda hat fruit bowl hat and swim fins?



    I can dream, dang it; I can dream

    No.

    I am talking full blown lingerie at 5PM on a Friday!

    About 7:30 here, when hubs gets off! i mean, finishes work!
  • rps67
    rps67 Posts: 163 Member
    Motorsheen wrote: »
    By saying: "Dressed Up" do you mean, buck bare azz nekid,

    .... except completely wrapped in clear saran wrap while wearing a Carmen Miranda hat fruit bowl hat and swim fins?


    Well, now I know what I've been doing wrong. No swim fins.
  • chocolate_owl
    chocolate_owl Posts: 1,695 Member
    Picking my husband up from the airport tonight. Will be wearing a corset underneath my dress. Will be losing the dress as soon as we get home. ...Possibly before.