Boyfriends standards of weight?
Replies
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »have you tried defending yourself?
if so what happens
the only person who ever told me to lose weight was my nurse and that was annoying, but to be fair i was obese back then and blood pressure was high.
If I try to defend myself with anything else he tells me to stop debating and that he has more experience than what I do (because he is 3 years older than me). This is what he says with every single criticism and if I fight back he ignores me or tells me to *kitten* off. Beautiful, I know. The thing is that I recently found out that he has a couple of personality disorders which really explain everything to me but I feel bad about not understanding them.
This is controlling behavior. He is trying to make you accept his low assessment of you, so that you will feel like this is the way you deserve to be treated.
If you can't bring yourself to leave him, make every effort to maintain relationships with more supportive friends and family, so that you can see your true worth reflected in their eyes.
And if you still can't bring yourself to leave him, you need to learn to either (1) leave the room/house/whatever place you are when he says thing like this to you or (2) completely ignore and not respond to abusive comments about your weight, your intelligence, or anything else. Maybe use the time to silently recite a mantra like "What he's saying is not true. A person who loved me wouldn't treat me this way."3 -
OP: I'm coming in at the end of a very intense discussion. I think you know what you need to do: break up. This man isn't good for you; he's tearing you down in every way, probably to make you feel like you don't deserve anyone better than him. It's a classic pattern. You might want to look at Gavin De Becker's book The Gift of Fear for more insight into the pattern.
I know it's hard to leave him, and I know you said that you don't want to do that. But it's the right thing. Some decisions in your life will be incredibly hard. Eight years ago I had to tell an emergency room doctor over the phone whether to put a breathing tube into my father--thereby saving his life but also prolonging his agony from terminal jaw cancer--or let him die of pneumonia. I chose the latter. It was the right thing, and in accordance with his wishes, even though it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make.
You're young, you're resilient, and you have your whole life ahead of you. You should make the tough decision to jettison this guy who does not have your best interests at heart, and then look for someone who does. And to be honest, it's better to have a happy single life than a miserable life with a partner who doesn't have your back.10 -
Calliope610 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP, I'm genuinely curious, when you posted this, what sort of advice were you looking for? Because stating up front that you aren't interested in leaving him, you had to have known that was going to be the majority of the advice you would get. And if you knew that was the advice you'd get, then you must have at least considered this already, and decided you weren't willing to do that (whatever your reasons are). So what sort of advice did you hope for? Ways to humiliate him and make him feel as bad as he makes you? Ways to drop the weight quickly so you can achieve the perfect girlfriend body that he is hoping for? Because people aren't going to give you any of that sort of advice - so I'm failing to see what can happen here, other than just validation and sympathy? I not really big on that sort of thing, so I'm just going to suggest that you seek counseling and a backbone.
I am not exact sure what I'm looking for if I'm completely honest with you, I realise what the real solution is yet I am still not capable of coming to terms with it, I agree with you about growing a backbone, it is something I used to have but now I have become weak I guess. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am being desperate and trying to look for a solution that I'm beginning to think doesn't exist just to keep my relationship afloat, I don't want to give up on a person that I love so dearly. I'm sorry for annoying you all so much.
what is it that you love so dearly about him?
How he sometimes is and how he used to be. I swore to myself that I would never leave the person I grew to love no matter what but the thing is that now he is nearly a completely different person. I don't know why, perhaps it's because when I met him he didn't have a job and then he got a job, found out he was great at his job and got lots of confidence from that because he is only 21. But perhaps it's my fault, I'm quite immature so I guess that that would bring a person down.
No, no, no. I can't think of anything you could do or be that would excuse his behavior as you've described it, and your being immature doesn't even remotely come close. Controlling, abusive people want their victims to believe it's their fault. If you take nothing else away from this thread, please take that: His being a controlling, abusive *kitten* is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault.
One other thing: If there are financial reasons why you feel like you can't leave him, please start working on an escape plan.7 -
I know how you could get rid of 70 kilos over night.
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I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
Do you plan on having children yourself ever? If you can't bring yourself to leave this guy, think about what kind of father he would be. Do you want to subject your child to being treated the way your parent treated you? You say you would never treat anyone the way your partner treats you, but if you stick with this guy and have kids with him, you will be responsible for causing an innocent child with no way to escape to be treated that way.
Sorry if that seems harsh, but if you won't leave for yourself, do it for your future children.3 -
Your story brings back bad memories for me. When I was younger and married. My ex husband made me feel horrible about my weight. Never allow someone else to determine your happiness. I wish you luck. Blessing to you3
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WinoGelato wrote: »OP I do commend you for coming back and having further discussions with people. You seem to know deep down what the right thing to do is. Yes, you are young, and this is your first serious relationship - but if you've been on your own since you were 15 then you are stronger than you realize.
Do you live with the boyfriend? Are you financially dependent on him in any way? Do you have a family or friends that you can rely on for support?
No, I don't rely on my boyfriend at the moment, however, he is a big part of my future, I had made plans with him to move to a different country and to apply to a university there, there I would be nearly completely dependent on him until I manage to get a job there. That university is the one that I dreamt of going to and he wanted to make it come true. Having said this now I'm slightly sceptical about going because of how things are now.
This sounds like more manipulation on his part to me, plus an attempt to make you completely isolated from any support system, which is what controlling abusive personalities do. I hate to advise you against an educational opportunity, but this just seems like a really dangerous way to get there.
Also, I never heard of moving to a country so you can apply to a university there. You apply to the university, and if you get in and can make the finances work, you go. Although you've been on your own since 15, are you still in high school, or did you get a GED? Even if you have a GED, I think in the U.S. at 18 you're still entitled to a free public education and the resources of a school. Maybe you could call the local high school and ask to speak to a counselor/college adviser. Explain your situation--not the boyfriend necessarily, just your current educational situation and aspirations, and ask whether it makes sense to go to a country to try to attend a university before you have applied and been admitted.1 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP I do commend you for coming back and having further discussions with people. You seem to know deep down what the right thing to do is. Yes, you are young, and this is your first serious relationship - but if you've been on your own since you were 15 then you are stronger than you realize.
Do you live with the boyfriend? Are you financially dependent on him in any way? Do you have a family or friends that you can rely on for support?
No, I don't rely on my boyfriend at the moment, however, he is a big part of my future, I had made plans with him to move to a different country and to apply to a university there, there I would be nearly completely dependent on him until I manage to get a job there. That university is the one that I dreamt of going to and he wanted to make it come true. Having said this now I'm slightly sceptical about going because of how things are now.
This sounds like more manipulation on his part to me, plus an attempt to make you completely isolated from any support system, which is what controlling abusive personalities do. I hate to advise you against an educational opportunity, but this just seems like a really dangerous way to get there.
Also, I never heard of moving to a country so you can apply to a university there. You apply to the university, and if you get in and can make the finances work, you go. Although you've been on your own since 15, are you still in high school, or did you get a GED? Even if you have a GED, I think in the U.S. at 18 you're still entitled to a free public education and the resources of a school. Maybe you could call the local high school and ask to speak to a counselor/college adviser. Explain your situation--not the boyfriend necessarily, just your current educational situation and aspirations, and ask whether it makes sense to go to a country to try to attend a university before you have applied and been admitted.
she could have graduated hs already. most graduate between 17/18,I also agree about applying to a university-you apply first then go if you get in. some even sooner. but that aside,OP I didnt read all the replies but leave this guy, if he cared so much he would treat you like a human and not degrade and put you down.sounds like this guy wants to get you out of the country so you will have to rely on him because you will know no one there and it will be harder to come back home. dont go!!! you dont know what kind of situation you may be getting into. never rely on another person either. you go to school wherever you want just apply first and see if you get in then work out the details and go there yourself without the extra abusive baggage1 -
Well, I see a real easy way to lose 70kg. He is showing way too many signs of sliding fast down the slippery slope to controlling and abusive. What if you get the body you want and it's "not enough" for him? Or "too much?" It's YOUR body. If you let him control it, you let him control the rest of you. Lose weight if YOU want, get SUPPORT (not haranguing criticism) from a safe source (hint - not him).1
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Sweetie, you are in an abusive relationship with an abusive little *kitten*. There is no way to "fix" the situation except to pack up your stuff and leave. You can't fix someone like this, sorry, but there is no way. The only one who can fix his sorry *kitten* is him, and I'm going to go on a whim and say that he's not going to do that anytime soon.2
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my mother stayed with my father for reasons i'm not entirely clear on. they were blissfully happy at first, but by the time his abuse had become a constant and had started to get physical, she was a shadow of her former self part of the time. and my sister and i spent a couple years also being hit before she finally took us and left. unsurprisingly my first couple marriages were less than ideal, and in the second case i had to get out leaving my stuff behind.
OP, please - your BF isn't going to get better, but if you stay with him, you'll become less and less yourself and more and more just the person trying not to upset him. and if you want him to get better, and work through his emotional crap, you can't keep enabling him. as long as you do, he has no reason to change.
in the meantime, i recommend a book called "facing codependence" by pia melody and after that "codependent no more" by melody beatty. they literally changed my life.
there's nothing you can do to fix your BF. you CAN change yourself.
best of luck to you...
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to the OP:
first off, your weight is not a problem, I'm slightly shorter than you and my (pre-pregnancy) healthy weight rests somewhere between 130 and 135 lbs, so I see nothing wrong with your weight.
second, looking at this scenario with an extra 10 years of experience I want to tell you that this isn't the end. First serious relationships are a big deal and are very important to us, but we have to make sure that we still put our own needs over the "need" to maintain the relationship. my first serious relationship was when I was 17, he was 18 but since he was homeschooled he was already in his second year of university. I had chosen my university based on the program that I wanted to take and he got angry that it wasn't the same school as him. He kept pressuring me to make things more physical, which I didn't want to do at that point, and started making nasty comments about my weight (seriously underweight at the time but he called me fat), my appearance, my intelligence. I didn't want to end things, but my need to study at the school I wanted was my breaking point and I dumped him. It hurt a lot at the time, but it was the best decision I could have ever made for that situation. There were other miserable relationships, serious ones too, where I wasn't allowed to wear makeup or cut my hair or wear certain clothes and he had my entire future planned out for me (because making my own plans would have meant that I was thinking and independent and he couldn't have that), or another one where I was emotionally and sexually abused and cut off from everyone else I knew and the only thing that woke me up to the fact that this was wrong was the first time he hit me. This was all over the span of about 5-6 years, but since then I've met someone wonderful who loves me for who I am and encourages my healthy eating and exercise not because he thinks I should lose weight or look a certain way but because it makes me happy to do so. My wonderful husband showed me that a real relationship is about the give and take, the partnership, and the respect that the two people have together. Respect isn't him telling you to get to a certain weight (which is pretty close to an unhealthy weight for your height), or calling you names. Those things are verbal abuse, and if he doesn't listen now when you say that it's not ok to talk like that he won't start. I know leaving him will be hard, but the smart choice for you and your own well-being isn't always going to be the easy choice. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are respected and treated like the amazing person you are, you deserve a partner that lifts you up instead of putting you down, a partner that you work together with. You might not find this partner right away, but don't stop looking, don't ever settle for "good enough" or "not too bad", and don't ever compromise your own value. You're 18, you have so much time ahead of you, this doesn't have to be the rest of your life.
sorry for the novel, but I remember how much the bad relationships I had hurt me and the time it's taken to mostly recover (there's still a lot my husband is helping me work through) and if there's a chance that I can help someone avoid the hell I went through then I'll try. just remember: you deserve so much more, so you go ahead and put yourself first.9 -
I'm 56 at least 40 lbs overweight which is why I'm here. One day as I hugged him goodbye I told him that I was changing my habits and getting healthy; that HE DESERVED an attractive wife. He was stunned, and told me I was his sexy mama and how he still could not believe he was lucky enough to be married to me... that is what someone who loves you sounds like. If he's saying this to you as a boyfriend....what do you think he'd say if you married him. Fall in love with you then let someone prove that they deserve you... You have to love yourself. Take Care.... there's better out there also it's okay to be single........ enjoy yourself.8
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Break up with him.
Now.4 -
Leaving him is the best and only solution. Sorry, can't help you anymore but your dignity and self worth should come first!
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When I met my BF I was 200lbs, and then I lost and was 121lbs....He never treated me ANY different. If your BF loves you, he would not put you down, period. My first husband belittled me and made me feel horrible (which only made me depressed and sad all the time) I stayed in that relationship for 12 years. When I finally had enough and left him, it was the BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO ME...Run girlfriend....don't look back. When you leave this situation and get a real man, one who encourages you and love you for who you are, your eyes will be open and you will finally see what a douche bag your current BF really was!!1
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littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
This better not be Lexi...0 -
Well if you won't leave a guy like that then you are gonna ha e to put up with it then !
Don't complain then stay!
He's going to ruin your confidence. I wouldn't give a man like that the time of day0 -
I haven't read any responses but I can imagine what they say. OP you need to get out of there asap. No one, especially not a significant other should just you for your weight!
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