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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

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Replies

  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
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    pinuplove wrote: »
    And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.

    There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.

    Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,874 Member
    edited April 2017
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    aggelikik wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.

    There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.

    Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"

    I disagree, but not surprise there.

    I do have a friend this thread made me think of - beautiful, blonde, petite, and could have had her pick of men. She married a morbidly obese man. Not normal or slightly heavy and then gained 'happy weight' but morbidly obese from the beginning. I admit to having passing thoughts of how that happens, but by all appearances they are happy and functional and have 4 kids together so something is obviously working for them :wink: But that's an outlier. It seems like in general people tend to pair up with other people of relatively equal attractiveness.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
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    This is an interesting review of scientific studies related to the matter: http://www.academia.edu/23879906/Attraction_in_Marriage_The_Role_of_Physical_Attraction_in_Long-Term_Relationships
    It has some interesting points, in both how relationships start and how they evolve and is focused a lot on weight related issues
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
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    aggelikik wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.

    There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.

    Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"

    This is an accurate observation.
  • GottaBurnEmAll
    GottaBurnEmAll Posts: 7,722 Member
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    aggelikik wrote: »
    aggelikik wrote: »
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    a95e5c72a49b793e2252181e9b52a911.jpg

    ^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.

    The quote actually says "Not bad. They are Ok". It does not say "They look disgusting (to me, depending on who I am)". No offense, but I think that believing you can feel attracted to someone despite the physical aspect, it is something only happens in young adult novels, or romances targeted to older women who would like to think that them no longer looking good does not matter (yes, this is me, I am not judging older women).
    It is not all about the looks, someone who just is ok can be very attractive based on personality. But someone who looks (again, based on each individual's personal standards) repulsive? Not likely.

    Exactly.

    Personality can't override it if someone is physically unattractive to me. If looking at them is a turnoff, that's not a thing I can just ignore or override because they're nice of funny or smart. I can be friends with someone I'm not attracted to. Might even love them. But it will be platonic, not romantic, unless the physical attraction is there. It precludes a monogamous commitment to them.

    It's funny that these examples of fictional stories have been brought up to show that looks don't matter, but in every single one of them it's a normal weight man talking to a normal weight woman. None of them are overweight or obese. The author of Fifty Shades is an obese middle aged woman who wrote a fantasy story about an abusive relationship she calls BDSM, but she made the female main character young and thin. It's not a story about a young, fit, physically healthy billionaire falling in love with an obese woman. Why not? Probably because that wouldn't sell millions of books and become a movie that anyone would pay to see.

    Physical attraction matters. To what degree it does varies between individuals, but evolution wired us to get turned on by markers of good health and turned off by markers that indicate poor health. Being overweight or obese is not a signifier of good health. It isn't unreasonable to have physical sexual attraction be a deal breaker in a monogamous relationship. It's logical to not promise sexual fidelity to someone who doesn't meet your sexual needs, and regardless of what anyone has said in this thread, I think it's fair to actually discuss that with your partner even if it comes to ending the relationship.

    Regardless of what's been said in this thread?

    People have shared stories of relationships that haven't ended over these issues.

    You might think it's fair, obviously other people don't.

    And I'll go you one better. You evolution argument? It's pants. My husband was very overweight when I met him. I fell for the man he was. He's about 50 pounds thinner now, 30 years later, than he was when I first met him.

    Bottom line? Keep speaking just for yourself. You do you. That's your prerogative. My Nan used to say every pot had a lid. I'm sure someone out there will meet your stringent standards one of these days.

    So, you are saying that you are attracted to overweight people or that weight is not important to you. Great, this is the same for many people. But why should it be the same for everyone?

    I'm not saying it should be the same for everyone. I'm saying that her argument didn't hold up universally.
  • GottaBurnEmAll
    GottaBurnEmAll Posts: 7,722 Member
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    aggelikik wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.

    There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.

    Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"

    No. You are misunderstanding what's happening in this thread, I think.

    We're arguing about the sudden dumping after time.

    The physical attraction at first blush thing came later. I didn't, in fact, think my husband was all that attractive when I first met him.

    However, what you're reading into this, or inferring here, is the bit "and you should do the same thing".

    What's being said is "we don't grok this ish" - that "ish" being dumping a partner after two months of not making an effort to lose weight in a long standing relationship.
  • GottaBurnEmAll
    GottaBurnEmAll Posts: 7,722 Member
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    aggelikik wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.

    There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.

    Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"

    This is an accurate observation.

    No, no it's not. You're inferring that.

    We're attempting to understand you're thinking because it's hard to wrap our minds around it.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
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    newmeadow wrote: »
    It might be worth mentioning that most adults in the U.S. and in many other western countries are overweight or obese. And the vast majority of them are married and have made babies.

    As a matter of fact, most adults in the whole world are not attractive at all. They're mostly rather ugly, physically speaking - even if they're not fat. Again, the vast majority of them are married with offspring.

    Yes, yes. I know there are some exceptions. I'm just talking about the 85% majority. Through it all, people choose to tolerate each others' grossness and get together anyway - over the long term even!

    Physical attraction is not the same as being beautiful from an artistic point of view. Someone can look beautiful and yet not be attractive and of course the opposite. I have no idea where the 85% of people being ugly comes from, and this is how you feel and you need to compromise in sexual partners and tolerate what you perceive as their grossness, I am very sorry for you. To me, very few people are ugly, most people, and especially young people, are beautiful to me eyes or at least have some beautiful features.
    By the way, this is not a site frequented by Americans only. I have no idea if it truly is as hard as you say to find a normal weight partner in US, and in this case, I would expect that obesity is somehow normalised if this is true?
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
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    aggelikik wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.

    There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.

    Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"

    No. You are misunderstanding what's happening in this thread, I think.

    We're arguing about the sudden dumping after time.

    The physical attraction at first blush thing came later. I didn't, in fact, think my husband was all that attractive when I first met him.

    However, what you're reading into this, or inferring here, is the bit "and you should do the same thing".

    What's being said is "we don't grok this ish" - that "ish" being dumping a partner after two months of not making an effort to lose weight in a long standing relationship.

    This was not my impression. The question was whether someone should comment on a romantic partner's weight gain or loss. One poster said that he/she would comment, explain that he/she is not attracted by the body changes, would expect these remarks to be heard and if nothing changed, he/she would eventually leave. The timeline, the sudden leaving a partner etc, I think these were mostly random assumptions.
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
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    aggelikik wrote: »
    aggelikik wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.

    There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.

    Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"

    No. You are misunderstanding what's happening in this thread, I think.

    We're arguing about the sudden dumping after time.

    The physical attraction at first blush thing came later. I didn't, in fact, think my husband was all that attractive when I first met him.

    However, what you're reading into this, or inferring here, is the bit "and you should do the same thing".

    What's being said is "we don't grok this ish" - that "ish" being dumping a partner after two months of not making an effort to lose weight in a long standing relationship.

    This was not my impression. The question was whether someone should comment on a romantic partner's weight gain or loss. One poster said that he/she would comment, explain that he/she is not attracted by the body changes, would expect these remarks to be heard and if nothing changed, he/she would eventually leave. The timeline, the sudden leaving a partner etc, I think these were mostly random assumptions.

    There would be nothing sudden about it. Especially not since fitness and activities are a big part of sharing a common lifestyle in the first place, so those expectations are part of the conversation and relationship from day one. It's built into the things we do together. It's who we are, and why we're compatible in the first place.