Concerned about fiancé...
wilsonunc
Posts: 45 Member
Hi! So for a little background, I'm a long time user of MFP! I was 210 lbs at 5'4", now I'm 135. I quit MFP but monitored my weight and continued to exercise for about a year because I was getting obsessed with calorie counting and was getting very worn out about the whole thing.
I recently got engaged! My fiancé and I have been together for 2 and a half years, and he is my best friend. His relationship with food has been poor ever since I met him. His ex had a complicated relationship with food as well due to being diagnosed with chronic illness and she forced her issues with food on him. When things turned sour, he stress ate like crazy.
Flash forward to now, and he's just under 6 feet and weighs probably close to 300 pounds. I love him to pieces, and I am just very worried about him. He complains of headaches very regularly (like almost every day ...), never sleeps well and feels tired all the time, and has back pain. I have told him again and again to see a doctor, but he won't because he thinks the only solution they will tell him is to eat better and be more active. Whenever I tell him to see a doctor, he always shuts down. I do think how he feels is related to how he is treating his body, but I also think that seeing a doctor would be good to eliminate other health concerns.
I think he has high blood pressure (I work in healthcare and I've taken his BP before and it was pretty bad at the time) and I think he is going to experience other obesity/sedentary related health consequences before too long if he doesn't change.
I try to get healthy foods at the store and have reduced the amount of sweets at the house (his biggest issue by far) to one pint of ice cream (it's Ben and jerry's now). He used to eat ice cream every night, sometimes multiple times and now he is being forced to ration it a little bit because I am the shopper of the house and I only go once a week. I also cook for him as much as I can and I don't eat red
meat so his meals have veggies and lean proteins and whatnot in it. I also offer to go on walks with him or go swimming or go hiking.
I want to help him but I don't want to control him. I know that he wants to eat healthy and exercise (swimming was his idea, he tells me how he wants to incorporate healthier options into his diet). But he can't commit. He has lost a little weight calorie counting and walking regularly but he fell off of the wagon.
He also thwarts my attempts to get him eating better. He comes home with cookout milkshakes and will go out to eat instead of packing a lunch. He tells me he doesn't want to go walking or anything else because he is tired or has a headache, etc.
I post this looking for suggestions as to how to help him and encourage him. I know he is unhappy and his health has a negative impact on our relationship. I know the longer he treats himself this way, the more likely he is to develop more serious, irreversable health problems and I want to help him before that happens.
I recently got engaged! My fiancé and I have been together for 2 and a half years, and he is my best friend. His relationship with food has been poor ever since I met him. His ex had a complicated relationship with food as well due to being diagnosed with chronic illness and she forced her issues with food on him. When things turned sour, he stress ate like crazy.
Flash forward to now, and he's just under 6 feet and weighs probably close to 300 pounds. I love him to pieces, and I am just very worried about him. He complains of headaches very regularly (like almost every day ...), never sleeps well and feels tired all the time, and has back pain. I have told him again and again to see a doctor, but he won't because he thinks the only solution they will tell him is to eat better and be more active. Whenever I tell him to see a doctor, he always shuts down. I do think how he feels is related to how he is treating his body, but I also think that seeing a doctor would be good to eliminate other health concerns.
I think he has high blood pressure (I work in healthcare and I've taken his BP before and it was pretty bad at the time) and I think he is going to experience other obesity/sedentary related health consequences before too long if he doesn't change.
I try to get healthy foods at the store and have reduced the amount of sweets at the house (his biggest issue by far) to one pint of ice cream (it's Ben and jerry's now). He used to eat ice cream every night, sometimes multiple times and now he is being forced to ration it a little bit because I am the shopper of the house and I only go once a week. I also cook for him as much as I can and I don't eat red
meat so his meals have veggies and lean proteins and whatnot in it. I also offer to go on walks with him or go swimming or go hiking.
I want to help him but I don't want to control him. I know that he wants to eat healthy and exercise (swimming was his idea, he tells me how he wants to incorporate healthier options into his diet). But he can't commit. He has lost a little weight calorie counting and walking regularly but he fell off of the wagon.
He also thwarts my attempts to get him eating better. He comes home with cookout milkshakes and will go out to eat instead of packing a lunch. He tells me he doesn't want to go walking or anything else because he is tired or has a headache, etc.
I post this looking for suggestions as to how to help him and encourage him. I know he is unhappy and his health has a negative impact on our relationship. I know the longer he treats himself this way, the more likely he is to develop more serious, irreversable health problems and I want to help him before that happens.
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Replies
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Unfortunately you can't do it for him or make him do it.People do not change unless they want and choose to, and this goes for all kinds of habits and personality quirks and attitudes and behaviours. As someone who's been with her husband for 17 years I can tell you my experience is you find a way to live with the things you can't change. That's the compromise people always talk about when they say marriage and relationships are "work." It's not compromising on carpet or wood floor, it's literally learning to cope with things that make you crazy because you're melding two lives. So health and weight are a pretty big deal, but he has to have his own moment of truth when it comes to what he's doing to himself and you'll be there to help when he does, but if you push you may get poor results. I also think it's worth mentioning that although your proposals are generally positive, it's still a partner coming at him with food issues.22
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You can't do anything to change him, he has to want to change for himself.
You also can't really control him or manipulate him even if you tried. This usually works for a short period... and then they fall off the wagon again.
Your best bet is to sit down with him and have a coming to jesus talk about his health, your concern, and your desire to support him. Come at him with facts NOT emotions here. For example, his BMI, his high blood pressure, his likelihood for the plethora of chronic diseases associated with obesity.
Once you've got the facts out there you can come in with the home-hitter (with a super positive happy attitude) about how you're so excited to spend the rest of your lives together and that you want him here for that (or your future children, etc.).
The key here is to get the point across that you are open to helping him should he want/need it and that you're pointing out that he's currently in an unhealthy state.11 -
my brother-in-law is the same way. my sister is slim and active and eats well. She's worried about him, and models healthy lifestyle, but she knows she can't make him do anything. the motivation has to come from within. The best you can do is talk and say "i know you don't feel great, and want more energy and to feel better overall. Tell me how I can support you in getting there."2
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This post is full of contradictions. Either you love and accept him for who he is or you don't. You need to decide which one it is before you marry him.17
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ladyhusker39 wrote: »This post is full of contradictions. Either you love and accept him for who he is or you don't. You need to decide which one it is before you marry him.
So... he as a person is related to his size and health and that's it? There's nothing that can be done about his weight because that's just "who he is"?18 -
She won't be able to make him get healthy. So yeah, she needs to decide whether she's willing to marry a man who very well may always have health problems that are at least in part related to his weight.
If she can't accept him as he is now, she shouldn't marry him since there's no guarantee he'll change.
OP, this a minor derail but I think it's the only thing you have control over.12 -
She won't be able to make him get healthy. So yeah, she needs to decide whether she's willing to marry a man who very well may always have health problems that are at least in part related to his weight.
If she can't accept him as he is now, she shouldn't marry him since there's no guarantee he'll change.
OP, this a minor derail but I think it's the only thing you have control over.
I agree with this, but I disagree with what the previous poster said about it being about "loving him and accepting him like he is".
It's not like OP's fiancé is a few pounds overweight. . .we're talking obesity here and he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. He's even experiencing health issues and won't go to the doctor to see if there's something wrong besides the weight.
I agree OP can't make him change and I do think she should consider all this before marrying him.9 -
I'm sure your fiancé has many wonderful qualities, but he also sounds depressed and childlike. He sounds very overweight and his refusal to see a doctor and do something about his health problems would give me second thoughts about spending my life with him. Are you ready to be a widow when he has a midlife heart attack? Where is his concern about both you and his own health?10
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Unless he has specifically asked for your help-stay out of it. If you keep on him about it and he doesn't want to change, you could end up losing him (him break up with you). He is obviously already unhappy if he goes out to get what he wants (fast food/the milkshakes).3
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Help him address the emotional eating. He might see a therapist and work on new ways of coping with boredom, loneliness, stress, sadness, anger, whatever that are not food or drink.
I think many emotional eaters know what to do to lose weight but struggle to make lasting changes if they don't learn new tools for their emotional life.
Other than that you are already doing what you can really.0 -
I feel like I'm in the same boat with my husband right now. When we got married, we were both slim and in pretty good shape - and young! Now, 20+ years later, I'm close to my goal after 5 babies, but he is still in the obese category. Here's what I have learned, going through this same issue with him:
Keep doing the things you are doing: doing the shopping and only buying small amounts of sweets, preparing well-balanced, nutritious meals, and exercising yourself. Invite him to go with you, but don't push it when he declines. Your example may, over time, make an impact on him.
Don't scold him when he goes out to eat or has an extra treat. You don't want him to feel like he needs to hide his eating from you (which can lead to other issues, food related and not). Don't try to shame him in to exercising, but maybe find other things he might enjoy: a weekend hike, a round of golf (or mini-golf), an at-home dance party, or something else. It doesn't have to be "formal" exercise, just have fun getting up and moving.
When my husband complains about issues that I think are weight-related, like headaches, back aches, fatigue, etc, I try to be sympathetic. It's hard to not get into the "I told you so" cycle
but it's not helpful. Sometimes I will ask him if he wants to hear my advise again, because he already knows what it will be. It can be very hard for someone to make a big change like this, especially if there are emotional issues involved. (Side note - have you mentioned the possibility of depression to him? It might help for him to talk to a therapist a few times, if he is open to it) 11 -
I don't know....People always say "he/she has to do it for himself, but I think sometimes doing it for someone else at first gets the ball rolling and reminds us that it's what makes us happy anyways.
I've been married 26 years, to a completely non-controlling hubby, but he knows I am happiest (and more pleasant) at a certain size/weight, and he doesn't hide the fact that he likes me best that way, too.
I respond to honesty and tough love. I don't like it in the moment, but I always appreciate it later, as it's what gets my butt in gear when I can't seem to get going on my own.
Might be worth a little tough love. For both of you.4 -
Don't let him stop you. Go walking, running, swimming, to the gym without him. When he asks where you're going, tell him. Invite him to go with you, but don't beg, argue, or even discuss, just invite him, wait for his answer, and leave. Someday he may just surprise you.
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For what it's worth...
Number of times people have expressed concern about my weight and how it affects my health: I don't know. Probably a zillion.
Number of times they succeeded in getting me to take action: Zero.
I had to find my own reasons and my own way. No other person was going to change that. You can hope for change later on, and I truly hope it happens, but odds of you causing the change to happen are very slim. You have to accept that you're marrying a sick man.26 -
She won't be able to make him get healthy. So yeah, she needs to decide whether she's willing to marry a man who very well may always have health problems that are at least in part related to his weight.
If she can't accept him as he is now, she shouldn't marry him since there's no guarantee he'll change.
OP, this a minor derail but I think it's the only thing you have control over.
I agree with this, but I disagree with what the previous poster said about it being about "loving him and accepting him like he is".
It's not like OP's fiancé is a few pounds overweight. . .we're talking obesity here and he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. He's even experiencing health issues and won't go to the doctor to see if there's something wrong besides the weight.
I agree OP can't make him change and I do think she should consider all this before marrying him.
To clarify: I am not saying OP shouldn't marry her fiancé because of his weight.
I am saying if she cannot be okay with him being at any weight -- including heavier than he is now -- she shouldn't marry him. Both of them will end up resentful and miserable.
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She won't be able to make him get healthy. So yeah, she needs to decide whether she's willing to marry a man who very well may always have health problems that are at least in part related to his weight.
If she can't accept him as he is now, she shouldn't marry him since there's no guarantee he'll change.
OP, this a minor derail but I think it's the only thing you have control over.
I agree with this, but I disagree with what the previous poster said about it being about "loving him and accepting him like he is".
It's not like OP's fiancé is a few pounds overweight. . .we're talking obesity here and he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. He's even experiencing health issues and won't go to the doctor to see if there's something wrong besides the weight.
I agree OP can't make him change and I do think she should consider all this before marrying him.
To clarify: I am not saying OP shouldn't marry her fiancé because of his weight.
I am saying if she cannot be okay with him being at any weight -- including heavier than he is now -- she shouldn't marry him. Both of them will end up resentful and miserable.
As someone that has gone through this, I agree. My ex-fiancé was content with playing video games all day while I wanted to go out and be active. Needless to say, I began to resent him because we no longer had the same interests. We essentially just became roommates, which inevitably led to the break up.
OP, you're going to have to really sit down and think about what you want. As others have said, its highly unlikely you're going to change him. He needs to decide to do it on his own. One day it might happen, which would be wonderful. Or it might never happen. At the end of the day, are you okay with that? Can you live out the rest of your lives accepting this? It is clear that you care about him; however, these are questions you need to seriously consider.
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I think there's a lot of good advice here - tough, but good. I feel for you, OP, because this is a hard set of issues to deal with.
For what it's worth, here's what I think:
- First, I think it's important to do some soul-searching, as others have said, and decide if you can deal with the fact that he may never change, may have increasing health problems, and may die young. Obviously that's the worst case, and I hope it won't come to that, but if you can't face that, it might be best not to marry him. Marriage is a total commitment to a person, both as they are now, and at their worst in the future. Don't assume they will change for the better.
- Assuming you decide you can handle the outcome if he doesn't change, I would sit him down and have a serious, straight-up talk with him about your concerns, the health risks he is facing, and why you, as his friend and ally, feel deeply that he needs to face up to this issue and change his behaviour. Emphasise that you will help and support him in any way you can. Emphasise also that you are not going to nag or badger him on this. It is his deal, but you are there for him if he wants help.
- Then I would leave it, and only talk about it again if he invites your help. Revisiting the issue over and over may only make him more reluctant to tackle it. If he asks for help or advice, give it, otherwise leave it.
- Meanwhile, don't let his behaviour affect yours. Keep pursuing your own goals. I don't know if he has any tendency to sabotage, hopefully not, but don't let him if so. Your goals are your goals.
I hope this helps and I hope that you find a good balance that can work for everyone. Best of luck.0 -
I think it's okay to tell him that you need him to take care of his health so that he will be around for your future. Tell him that you need him to be here with you for a long time. After that, tell him that you will back off (and do so). There's nothing you can do to make him adopt healthier habits, and nagging him will probably push him further away from the behaviors you'd like to see. Be prepared to support him in any changes he wants to make, but he needs to take the lead now.5
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I'm sure your fiancé has many wonderful qualities, but he also sounds depressed and childlike. He sounds very overweight and his refusal to see a doctor and do something about his health problems would give me second thoughts about spending my life with him. Are you ready to be a widow when he has a midlife heart attack? Where is his concern about both you and his own health?
This ^
I'd have serious reservations about spending my life with someone with these issues. I have, in fact, broken up with someone who was admittedly depressed and refused to do anything about it.5
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