Seeking advice then arguing with the answer

In general, people don’t want to hear what they are not ready to accept. Sad truth and applies to way more than this site and weight loss.

SteamPug wrote: »

I agree that some people are like that but I don’t think that the blame always lies with the asker. There are a lot of people here who are notoriously *kitten* at knowing how to give advice. The things they’re saying might be true but their attitudes are confrontational and accusational - meaning that most people don’t really hear the advice, they just get immediately defensive and start arguing back because you’ve just insulted them. It’s those people with a know-it-all kind of attitude to giving advice that really struggle to understand that if you want people to take your advice you need to tailor the way you give it to each individual, instead of just spewing the same stuff to different people and expecting them all to react with overwhelming praise for you and your genius.

Tdlr: it doesn’t matter if your facts are correct, if your attitude sucks no one cares what you have to say.

It's very rare I've come across advice given in such a way that it's confrontational or accusational, culturally different sometimes yeah, I think more often it's people assuming there's a tone in a reply that there is not and is more to do with the reader than the writer. Not everyone is great at getting their point across in a straight-forward way but I don't think that means they have an attitude problem. Nor do I think any of the regular posters are here looking for praise, just trying to pass on the benefit of their own experiences.

In fact the only time I see it getting confrontational is when someone is a repeat poster is given great advice, ignores it and then comes back with the same question a few months later expecting different answers or when someone is trying to argue that magic pills and potions work.

tinkerbellang83 wrote: »

SteamPug wrote: »

I agree that some people are like that but I don’t think that the blame always lies with the asker. There are a lot of people here who are notoriously *kitten* at knowing how to give advice. The things they’re saying might be true but their attitudes are confrontational and accusational - meaning that most people don’t really hear the advice, they just get immediately defensive and start arguing back because you’ve just insulted them. It’s those people with a know-it-all kind of attitude to giving advice that really struggle to understand that if you want people to take your advice you need to tailor the way you give it to each individual, instead of just spewing the same stuff to different people and expecting them all to react with overwhelming praise for you and your genius.

Tdlr: it doesn’t matter if your facts are correct, if your attitude sucks no one cares what you have to say.

It's very rare I've come across advice given in such a way that it's confrontational or accusational, culturally different sometimes yeah, I think more often it's people assuming there's a tone in a reply that there is not and is more to do with the reader than the writer. Not everyone is great at getting their point across in a straight-forward way but I don't think that means they have an attitude problem. Nor do I think any of the regular posters are here looking for praise, just trying to pass on the benefit of their own experiences.

In fact the only time I see it getting confrontational is when someone is a repeat poster is given great advice, ignores it and then comes back with the same question a few months later expecting different answers or when someone is trying to argue that magic pills and potions work.

If someone posts asking about diet advice for their under active thyroid a person can say
“Well actually science finds hypothyroidism’s effect on your TDEE to actually not be that significant so it may just be that you’re eating to much”

Or they can say
“Actually thyroid doesn’t affect metabolism that much so stop using that as an excuse when you’re clearly eating too much.”

The latter is clearly confrontational and nothing to do with tone - you’ve outright accused that person of looking for excuses.
That’s obviously an example I just created, but I don’t believe that all fault lies within how the person chooses to imply tone. There are many genuine threads with people who have, through no fault of their own, been misinformed about something to do with weightloss - and more often than not I witness people go into those threads and begin their posts with accusations and criticism instead of understanding and re-education. It frustrates me no end and I hate that people leave the forums feeling like they’ve been attacked for making steps towards bettering themselves.

It’s okay if you disagree, but from my experiences this is what I’ve noticed.

Edit: that is to say I’m not accusing everyone of this - and I’m not accusing ‘the regulars’ of looking for praise. I’m saying I’ve seen SOME do this. I acknowledge that the majority of the community are genuinely kind and helpful.

I started here two years ago and just want to second OP's original post to say thank you to all of the people on these forums who have helped me along the way and put up with my questions (especially the ones that have been on here a million times). Thank you Forum regulars! I'm a normal weight because of you.

SteamPug wrote: »

I agree that some people are like that but I don’t think that the blame always lies with the asker. There are a lot of people here who are notoriously *kitten* at knowing how to give advice. The things they’re saying might be true but their attitudes are confrontational and accusational - meaning that most people don’t really hear the advice, they just get immediately defensive and start arguing back because you’ve just insulted them. It’s those people with a know-it-all kind of attitude to giving advice that really struggle to understand that if you want people to take your advice you need to tailor the way you give it to each individual, instead of just spewing the same stuff to different people and expecting them all to react with overwhelming praise for you and your genius.

Tdlr: it doesn’t matter if your facts are correct, if your attitude sucks no one cares what you have to say.

Seriously I think a lot of people project their own negative feelings into what is actually a benign comment.

It is impossible to read tone in post on a message board.

I would bet 99 times out of 100, the so-called hostility is perceived rather than actual.

I couldn’t have lost 96# without the solid advice of the great folks in these forums. But I agree, the questions can sometimes test your patience.

Francl27 wrote: »

A lot of people don't like the answers. There's also an emotional part too about not being emotionally ready to do the work.

It's a bit ironic though, I've made some threads on these boards (mostly to vent really), and I got a lot of advice too, that I didn't necessarily ask for.... I'm sure I got people frustrated too because I turned down most of the advice... mostly things I tried and didn't work for me... although typically in my case it's really when I get frustrated that I end up venting on the boards, and I look for people who get it, not necessarily for advice...

So it kinda goes both way... empathy goes a long way. You don't know where people are mentally. Sometimes just acknowledging that it's a hard first step or something can be frustrating goes a long way.

I think most of us assume (mistakenly sometimes, I'm sure) that if someone starts a thread here, they are looking for advice unless they specifically say they are just venting. And the inclination is to offer advice when you see what appears to be an opportunity to help the OP.