I am tired of family members telling me to stop losing weight

2

Replies

  • RoxieDawn
    RoxieDawn Posts: 15,488 Member
    edited May 2018
    crazyravr wrote: »
    tyrindor wrote: »
    I am a bit frustrated right now, so apologies for the mini-rant.

    It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to see certain family members anymore. "You need to stop losing weight". "We're going to get you help if you don't stop dieting". It's always the first thing out of certain family member's mouth, and always from someone who has been obese their entire life. I have told them the comments hurt my motivation, but the response is typically "Good, you need to stop". I get their heart is in the right place, at least I hope, they've not once complimented me on my weight loss.

    About me: I have lost a total of 75 pounds so far. My BMI is 23.3 and nothing alarmingly low. I've always had very little muscle mass which throws my BMI off a bit. My waist measurements shows I should ideally lose another 2-3 inches given my height of 6'1". I have also gotten second opinions from friends I trust, and a family doctor, which all agreed another 10-15 pounds is ideal.

    I am very close to not going to family gathering anymore because it hurts my motivation. I am now the only person in my family that isn't morbidly obese, and they can't seem to accept what "healthy" is suppose to look like.

    Anyone else have this problem?

    What do you weight at 6'1" ??? How about some pics? Because maybe just maybe they are right.

    This thread says started at 252. With a 75 loss now around 177.

    https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/comment/41039553#Comment_41039553

    OP your friends/family has seen a farily rapid weight loss happen before their eyes. I don't think dropping another 10 pounds is going to give you the results you want. 15 pounds puts you under weight. You have ideally lost muscle along side your weight unless you have been conducting muscle sparing during your weight loss, but the average loss per week you have been losing weight, you have ideally lost muscle as well.

    eta: if your waist and other body measurements are still showing that you have a higher body fat (especially around the mid section) you should consider recomp, which will help you lose the remaining body fat and help you rebuild muscle.
  • jesguinn
    jesguinn Posts: 94 Member
    Many people in my family are overweight or obese, as well as some of my close friends. When I proudly told my mom back in March that I had lost 18 pounds since the first of the year she looked at me like I was crazy and said, "But you don't need to lose 18 pounds." I told her I didn't need to lose 18 pounds anymore because I had already done that, but I did need to lose it after the holidays. Everyone carries their weight differently, and I'm tall so that makes it a little easier to carry some extra without anyone noticing (or lose a good bit without anyone really noticing), but I think part of it is also that when people see someone they consider to be in good shape or the size they would like to be, it pushes them to admit the fact that they are not at a healthy weight. i.e. if she/he (this person who seems to be at an ideal weight in my view) needs to lose weight to be healthier, I must really be in bad shape! Just let it go and listen to your own medical professionals.
  • COGypsy
    COGypsy Posts: 1,145 Member
    tyrindor wrote: »
    HeyJudii wrote: »
    Yes, sadly I do have this problem also. For me, it's because I lose weight from the top down, just as I gain from the bottom up. So, my face, neck and collar bones first show the weight loss, and I get told I need to stop losing weight because I look "gaunt".

    Short of stripping down and showing them where I am still carrying excess pounds, or start discussing Type 2 diabetes concerns, I just tell them I don't plan on losing anymore weight when they ask, and continue doing as my medical professionals advise.

    I can relate...

    I am bald and extremely pale. I lost most my weight during the winter, and work a desk job so I didn't get outside much. I've had at least 4 people ask me if I have cancer. I've gotten a mild tan over the few good weeks of good weather, so hopefully those comments stop.. :p

    I feel ya....my sister frequently calls me Skeletor! She always says she can tell when I've cut calories or changed my work outs because my eyes get dark and sunken. I can't say I've noticed that myself...
  • amgreenwell
    amgreenwell Posts: 1,268 Member
    You'll learn to just let their comments slide off your back. That's the only thing you can do. My immediate family seems to comment constantly on my "skinny" body. I NEVER, repeat NEVER comment on their obese bodies unless they've lost weight then I tell them I notice and to keep it up. I would never ask them why they are gaining so much or what motivates them to eat three plates at lunch and dinner.
    So, with that said, you've got to know that this journey is for your health and no one else's. if avoiding them is the only way you can make it work then fine. But my advice is to just smile, nod and say thanks but I'm doing okay just how I am. Don't even give their comments the time of day.
    Family can be the toughest but you got this!
  • jseams1234
    jseams1234 Posts: 1,216 Member
    RGv2 wrote: »
    I think a lot of people in the US (assuming you are American here) are not used to seeing people at a normal weight. There is so much obesity here...I think people see overweight as the norm. When I tell people I am trying to lose 30 pounds, they are like, 'Why? You look great." and I'm like, "Okay, but I can step on a scale for you and show you the numbers. I'm considered overweight according to my BMI."

    Um....wut?

    In the best shape of my life I was considered "overweight" by the BMI scale and my BF% was around 10-12%. I tried to get into a normal BMI, I got about 7-10lbs away and just looked imaciated. I ended up recomping and adding about 7-9 to get back to an "overweight" BMI. I looked (and felt) so much better.

    I'm in the same boat. I just ended my cut and I'm still a few pounds over the high normal range for BMI. I'm 6'1 and I've been both underweight by BMI and smack in the middle of "normal". I looked like Ichabod Crane at normal ranges and Pumpkin Head from that cheesy 90's horror flick when under. I've noticed that short guys look better in the normal range than tall guys.
  • sauronseye
    sauronseye Posts: 40 Member
    Their hearts are not in the 'right place', they are being rude and insulting. I know you don't want to, but you might want to suggest to them that losing a few would not hurt them next time they start telling you how 'skinny' you are.
  • lemurcat12
    lemurcat12 Posts: 30,886 Member
    100_PROOF_ wrote: »
    I think a lot of people in the US (assuming you are American here) are not used to seeing people at a normal weight. There is so much obesity here...I think people see overweight as the norm. When I tell people I am trying to lose 30 pounds, they are like, 'Why? You look great." and I'm like, "Okay, but I can step on a scale for you and show you the numbers. I'm considered overweight according to my BMI."

    A lot of people are also just trying to be nice when they say things like " you look fine, you don't need to lose weight!"

    I am American and can definitely spot an over weight person but I also don't feel the need to tell them that they are obese . I usually say nothing at all when the conversation comes up. There are many people who operate differently though. They feel the need to comment and tell people that they look fine when In reality they do not. (Some will even turn around and laugh when the person in question walks away)

    Take what others say with a grain of salt and try not to make sweeping generalizations.

    Yeah, totally this.

    It also depends on where you live and your social circle or family. Being overweight is not the norm in my social circle -- even at a normal weight (5'3, 120) I am not particularly thin, and no one would tell me I was too thin (I'm heavier than lots of people in my normal social circle, even here in the -- gasp! -- US).

    However, since I'd lost lots of weight, I got lots of comments about "wow, you look great, so thin" at first, and since my loss was fast (or seemed fast to people who don't see me that often), I'd get comments that reflected that.

    But then people got used to it.

    I don't really tell people I'm trying to lose when I am, anyway -- why would I?
  • JKolb17
    JKolb17 Posts: 11 Member
    You could also let them know you are not "dieting" but on a path of healthy eating and you goal is to be a healthier version of you. If that doesn't work, tell them it's none of their damn business, it's your body! :-)
  • steveko89
    steveko89 Posts: 2,216 Member
    jseams1234 wrote: »
    RGv2 wrote: »
    I think a lot of people in the US (assuming you are American here) are not used to seeing people at a normal weight. There is so much obesity here...I think people see overweight as the norm. When I tell people I am trying to lose 30 pounds, they are like, 'Why? You look great." and I'm like, "Okay, but I can step on a scale for you and show you the numbers. I'm considered overweight according to my BMI."

    Um....wut?

    In the best shape of my life I was considered "overweight" by the BMI scale and my BF% was around 10-12%. I tried to get into a normal BMI, I got about 7-10lbs away and just looked imaciated. I ended up recomping and adding about 7-9 to get back to an "overweight" BMI. I looked (and felt) so much better.

    I'm in the same boat. I just ended my cut and I'm still a few pounds over the high normal range for BMI. I'm 6'1 and I've been both underweight by BMI and smack in the middle of "normal". I looked like Ichabod Crane at normal ranges and Pumpkin Head from that cheesy 90's horror flick when under. I've noticed that short guys look better in the normal range than tall guys.

    This is symptomatic of limitations of the BMI system. It's not really designed to take into account an even above-average degree of muscle mass; it's purpose is provide a suggested range of what's "healthy" for the widest range of population possible. Many elite athletes would be considered "overweight" or even "obese" by BMI standards as a result. On the flip side, I've seen a number of posts over the years by users looking to lose a significant amount of weight who use the top end of the healthy BMI to set their "Ultimate Goal Weight" only to be disappointed looking in the mirror when they get there. Personally, I know what I look like at 189lbs (top end of "healthy) and it's unequivocally FAT. Everyone is so different I put very very little stock in BMI and I think it's a shame it's still such a widely used metric.

    Regarding the opinions of others, I have to echo what everyone has been saying; everyone seems to have an opinion about what weight others should be and how others should look and those opinions are often incredibly biased by their own weight and perceptions. I was not insignificantly overweight growing up, until about age 17, therefore my mother has always been sensitive to me trying to lose too much weight (in her eyes). I'm to the point now where my fluctuations are pretty mild bulk/cut cycles within the confines of about a 10lb range that isn't terribly noticeable when clothed so as long as I don't talk about it around her I usually don't get any comments. my lightest and leanest was likely still at the end of freshman year in college. I'd lost around 30 lbs before senior year of high school and maintained through that year that I wasn't about to let the expected Freshman-15 undo that progress. I had a relatively light first year course load so I was able to increase my exercise at the on-campus rec center and be fully in control of my meals for the first time being away from home. I'm not sure/don't remember what I weighed but I'd guess somewhere in the mid-150s at 6'1", lacking any significant muscle, estimating about 10% body fat (exercise was running or rowing machine). Going back to visit my high school teachers I had a number of them comment how thin I'd gotten and one assumed I was seriously ill. That teacher also happened to have been significantly overweight for my four years knowing him and had some form of gastric bypass surgery. Any more I get different unsolicited opinions from different people. I had a coworker notice I'd been cutting weight after Christmas (down to 170lbs, ~13% body fat) and said he was glad because he thought I had gotten 'too bulky' in the fall. At the same time a close friend asked why I was cutting, suggesting dropping any more fat would 'just make me look scrawny'. This friend happens to be currently ~25lbs overweight but at the lowest weight I've known for the duration of our seven year friendship.

  • 100_PROOF_
    100_PROOF_ Posts: 1,168 Member
    lemurcat12 wrote: »
    100_PROOF_ wrote: »
    I think a lot of people in the US (assuming you are American here) are not used to seeing people at a normal weight. There is so much obesity here...I think people see overweight as the norm. When I tell people I am trying to lose 30 pounds, they are like, 'Why? You look great." and I'm like, "Okay, but I can step on a scale for you and show you the numbers. I'm considered overweight according to my BMI."

    A lot of people are also just trying to be nice when they say things like " you look fine, you don't need to lose weight!"

    I am American and can definitely spot an over weight person but I also don't feel the need to tell them that they are obese . I usually say nothing at all when the conversation comes up. There are many people who operate differently though. They feel the need to comment and tell people that they look fine when In reality they do not. (Some will even turn around and laugh when the person in question walks away)

    Take what others say with a grain of salt and try not to make sweeping generalizations.

    Yeah, totally this.

    It also depends on where you live and your social circle or family. Being overweight is not the norm in my social circle -- even at a normal weight (5'3, 120) I am not particularly thin, and no one would tell me I was too thin (I'm heavier than lots of people in my normal social circle, even here in the -- gasp! -- US).

    However, since I'd lost lots of weight, I got lots of comments about "wow, you look great, so thin" at first, and since my loss was fast (or seemed fast to people who don't see me that often), I'd get comments that reflected that.

    But then people got used to it.

    I don't really tell people I'm trying to lose when I am, anyway -- why would I?

    Same here.
    It is definitely not the norm in my social circle to be over weight or obese. Most of my circle is the exact opposite of that.
    I do know plenty of co-workers who 100% tell people how great they look ( even though they do not) just because they think it's polite and nice. Some even turn around and laugh after the person walks away . They feel like it's the right thing to do. I'm not the morality police so I stay out of it but I know it's common. People want something to say, they like having something to talk about and mostly they want to come across as likeable and friendly. Many of them would tell someone they looked great even if they showed up wearing a clown suit and a Batman cape.

    I take others opinions with a grain of salt because I know that most people aren't bold enough to tell the truth or say how they really feel anyway. Some have been programmed since kids to always give compliments and be kind and friendly even when they feel differently.

    To say that Americans are blind to what normal weight looks like is just as ignorant because it doesn't take many things into consideration including that most people don't say how they really feel when it comes to others appearances.


  • 1BlueAurora
    1BlueAurora Posts: 439 Member
    "Well, it's my body and I'll do what I want with it. My doctor said I should do this. So, what have you been doing for fun lately?" That's one possible approach. My sister, on two separate visits, felt she had to say, "You really need to stop losing weight, you're looking way too skinny." The first time I let it slide. The second time, I said, "It's my body, I'll do what I want to do, and I have way more energy to do stuff." She actually apologized!
  • Oma827
    Oma827 Posts: 114 Member
    For all the times we have confided to each other that “sometimes I still see that fat girl in the mirror,” I think we can understand people thinking our body shape is nice as is, when we’re not at goal. They’re not analyzing our shapes nekkid.
    Sometimes they’re playfully complimenting, sometimes being bossy. This is OUR health decision. We must not let anyone be more influential than ourselves and our health care team.
    I am just starting to hear this. I have said, “gosh, I wish you were my doctor but I’m gonna stick with his plan.” No one has pressed me yet, so I have no advice for more bossy comments.
    You are doing great OP!