The 'mom guilt' therapy thread.
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leut_underpants wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »leut_underpants wrote: »More seriously, moms, the ones of you doing things right (and tight...thanks again autocorrect) matter so, so much. My wife suffers from the mom guilt. I spend some part of my time trying to help her realize how good she is, to point her to the fantastic things she does. That would be the thing I'd give you all if I could, just the appreciation that I feel for that job when well done. :smooched:
I refuse to believe you are perfect, but you make it hard some days
:blushing:
Did a mod just offer me a compliment? :noway:
To answer your other question, the guilt has grown with ours, without a doubt. I think it has to do with ours being very free thinkers (something we taught them) but with that comes the dumbs of their ages. They think themselves right into the wrong life choices. Some of them are doing it better than others, of course. Watching them screw up is hard.
Our oldest ran away a couple of years ago. It hurts like he died, over and over again - I'd elaborate, but frankly I'm not in the mood to cry. That's what real guilt fells like, when your kid rejects everything you ever taught him and cuts off all communication. My point isn't to tell a sad story, it's to reinforce that mom guilt, as most of you experience it, is a thing to be fought against, to be told no. There's enough real guilt that may come. The thing in your head needs a kick in the teeth until it shuts up, cause you're likely doing a bang up job. Even in the things you aren't, you can choose to change and grow, and your kid will be okay while you do. Perfection isn't a job requirement for any job, including mom.
thanks for sharing. Love you 0 -
For me, it was thankfully the other way around: when mine was a kitten (a baby cat, not the censor-filter kind), the guilt that I couldn’t help raise him was definitely there, but his rescuer explained that cats have independent spirits. They just do whatever they will and can be left alone/un-pestered as long as basic needs are met and there’s no way to hurt themselves or others.4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Question for the moms:
Did you feel much guilt when they were babies. Or did the guilt grow with them, as they do/know more and have more experiences under their little belts?2 -
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Ah yes-I remember reading about that study. Sadly, he barely clings to me anymore, but it’s pretty special when he does. Thinking about our relationship in terms of that experiment helps, though.XenomorphXX121 wrote: »I feel tons of guilt for existing with a birth defect that eventually made my gyno order me not to ever even THINK about ”doing the ditty,” let alone procreation, of course. I follow doctor orders, including/especially the unreasonable/unhealthy ones, religiously, so there probably never will be a “Señor Zcb94.” I did fill the resulting hole in my heart with a fur-son since the likelihood of adopting a newborn fresh from the womb/who will appreciate Mothers’ Milk is unknown to me/seems next to nothing. That’s all good and dandy, but I can’t even care for the cat/fur-son without help. The only comfort, I guess, is that he (seems to) loves me, so that helps (though I can’t help but think that he’s confused about who his real guardian(s) is/are since I need help with my own survival, let alone his)!
Your concern reminds me of a study they did with baby monkeys a long time ago.
Basically they gave the baby a warm cuddly fake mother that provides nothing, and a cold metal fake mother that supplied milk. Of course the baby would get its sustenance from the mechanical mother, but if the scientists introduced something scary to the baby he'd run and cling to the soft mother.
Anyway, whether or not you're the one to always feed him or whatever, he knows you're his fur-mom.
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leut_underpants wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »leut_underpants wrote: »More seriously, moms, the ones of you doing things right (and tight...thanks again autocorrect) matter so, so much. My wife suffers from the mom guilt. I spend some part of my time trying to help her realize how good she is, to point her to the fantastic things she does. That would be the thing I'd give you all if I could, just the appreciation that I feel for that job when well done. :smooched:
I refuse to believe you are perfect, but you make it hard some days
:blushing:
Did a mod just offer me a compliment? :noway:
To answer your other question, the guilt has grown with ours, without a doubt. I think it has to do with ours being very free thinkers (something we taught them) but with that comes the dumbs of their ages. They think themselves right into the wrong life choices. Some of them are doing it better than others, of course. Watching them screw up is hard.
Our oldest ran away a couple of years ago. It hurts like he died, over and over again - I'd elaborate, but frankly I'm not in the mood to cry. That's what real guilt fells like, when your kid rejects everything you ever taught him and cuts off all communication. My point isn't to tell a sad story, it's to reinforce that mom guilt, as most of you experience it, is a thing to be fought against, to be told no. There's enough real guilt that may come. The thing in your head needs a kick in the teeth until it shuts up, cause you're likely doing a bang up job. Even in the things you aren't, you can choose to change and grow, and your kid will be okay while you do. Perfection isn't a job requirement for any job, including mom.
Yup, sure did. I think I have said nice things to you before. And you always pick on me
And to echo Caco, thanks for sharing0 -
4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Question for the moms:
Did you feel much guilt when they were babies. Or did the guilt grow with them, as they do/know more and have more experiences under their little belts?
Well, when my dd was a newborn I had trouble breastfeeding her and she cried and cried and I felt a heavy amount of guilt about not loving her right away because I was so frustrated and tired. I felt guilty for giving her formula. I don't feel guilty about it now but did for quite awhile.
I felt guilty for various things at different times.
Yes breastfeeding is tough. I never figured it out with my little dude either. I am glad I didnt feel much guilt about it though. I guess I am a bit of a "fed is best" follower.0 -
A Gt grandmother here. One can only do one's best. To the lady who said she felt gilt for staying an abusive relationship too long, its easy done when you are undermined each and every day, its what all the literature says. You did get out and the children benefited, they will respect you for it too, its simply just not that easy. I am certain boys will respect their partners more.
To those who were unable to breast feed, it does not work for us all, you tried and decided or had to face, a fed baby was best for you both, please don't feel guilty particularly with a first because you were learning as much as your baby, it takes two. A subsequent child will probably benefit from your experience were you to try to feed again. My d-i-l tried several times and it worked well with their youngest.
We can all drag ourselves over the coals of things we could/should have done better, we are human. If you answer, yes to this question, did you/have you done your best over all, you have done well. Be foregiving of yourselves. There are so many theories of why this or that issues arises and in a patriarchal society all ills, are all too often undeservedly laid at the mothers door, who with support of a good father/family/society would be the best she could be.
One thing is for sure, I'd be surprised if any one of you would ever give up and simply walk away, you will keep on being and doing the best you can. My hope will be for the majority of fathers in the near future to be as supportive of their child's mother as the one father I've read here has endeavoured to be.
Oh! Fur babies bring their own rewards, these objects of affection are majorly important too, they like children know who has their best interests at heart.
My greatest joy, this far has been to share time with my eldest granddaughter and her young son. I want to repeat similar times like these with my second granddaughter due within a month. I hope I will be allowed.
You show compassion to others please show it towards yourselves.6 -
A Gt grandmother here. One can only do one's best. To the lady who said she felt gilt for staying an abusive relationship too long, its easy done when you are undermined each and every day, its what all the literature says. You did get out and the children benefited, they will respect you for it too, its simply just not that easy. I am certain boys will respect their partners more.
To those who were unable to breast feed, it does not work for us all, you tried and decided or had to face, a fed baby was best for you both, please don't feel guilty particularly with a first because you were learning as much as your baby, it takes two. A subsequent child will probably benefit from your experience were you to try to feed again. My d-i-l tried several times and it worked well with their youngest.
We can all drag ourselves over the coals of things we could/should have done better, we are human. If you answer, yes to this question, did you/have you done your best over all, you have done well. Be foregiving of yourselves. There are so many theories of why this or that issues arises and in a patriarchal society all ills, are all too often undeservedly laid at the mothers door, who with support of a good father/family/society would be the best she could be.
One thing is for sure, I'd be surprised if any one of you would ever give up and simply walk away, you will keep on being and doing the best you can. My hope will be for the majority of fathers in the near future to be as supportive of their child's mother as the one father I've read here has endeavoured to be.
Oh! Fur babies bring their own rewards, these objects of affection are majorly important too, they like children know who has their best interests at heart.
My greatest joy, this far has been to share time with my eldest granddaughter and her young son. I want to repeat similar times like these with my second granddaughter due within a month. I hope I will be allowed.
You show compassion to others please show it towards yourselves.
Well said ☺1 -
From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for saying the bolded. You might have read my sob-story, so you would understand that side of things. I definitely agree/have a feeling that my Pyewacket (exotic literary origin) knows that we all love him, even if he does live up to the evil implications of his name at times!A Gt grandmother here. One can only do one's best. To the lady who said she felt gilt for staying an abusive relationship too long, its easy done when you are undermined each and every day, its what all the literature says. You did get out and the children benefited, they will respect you for it too, its simply just not that easy. I am certain boys will respect their partners more.
To those who were unable to breast feed, it does not work for us all, you tried and decided or had to face, a fed baby was best for you both, please don't feel guilty particularly with a first because you were learning as much as your baby, it takes two. A subsequent child will probably benefit from your experience were you to try to feed again. My d-i-l tried several times and it worked well with their youngest.
We can all drag ourselves over the coals of things we could/should have done better, we are human. If you answer, yes to this question, did you/have you done your best over all, you have done well. Be foregiving of yourselves. There are so many theories of why this or that issues arises and in a patriarchal society all ills, are all too often undeservedly laid at the mothers door, who with support of a good father/family/society would be the best she could be.
One thing is for sure, I'd be surprised if any one of you would ever give up and simply walk away, you will keep on being and doing the best you can. My hope will be for the majority of fathers in the near future to be as supportive of their child's mother as the one father I've read here has endeavoured to be.
Oh! Fur babies bring their own rewards, these objects of affection are majorly important too, they like children know who has their best interests at heart.
My greatest joy, this far has been to share time with my eldest granddaughter and her young son. I want to repeat similar times like these with my second granddaughter due within a month. I hope I will be allowed.
You show compassion to others please show it towards yourselves.1 -
_Maid_of_Mischief_ wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »now here's a great mom:
Hahaha that looks like something I would do. I'm a *kitten* like that
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_Maid_of_Mischief_ wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »now here's a great mom:
Hahaha that looks like something I would do. I'm a *kitten* like that
I did.. except it was birthday cake 😆
Although he did get me back when I was eating an ice cream cone 2 weeks later 😁2 -
slimgirljo15 wrote: »_Maid_of_Mischief_ wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »now here's a great mom:
Hahaha that looks like something I would do. I'm a *kitten* like that
I did.. except it was birthday cake 😆
Although he did get me back when I was eating an ice cream cone 2 weeks later 😁
Oh gosh! I hope you either have good dental care down under or don’t have sensitive-to-cold teeth. I do have sensitive teeth like that, so I just cringed big-time! 
I have seen/do occasionally laugh at the cake version of that gag, though! 0 -
slimgirljo15 wrote: »_Maid_of_Mischief_ wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »now here's a great mom:
Hahaha that looks like something I would do. I'm a *kitten* like that
I did.. except it was birthday cake 😆
Although he did get me back when I was eating an ice cream cone 2 weeks later 😁 Oh gosh! I hope you either have good dental care down under or don’t have sensitive-to-cold teeth. I do have sensitive teeth like that, so I just cringed big-time! I have seen/do occasionally laugh at the cake version of that gag, though!
Lol.. no it was my nose and top lip that got covered in ice cream.. he got me good.0 -
slimgirljo15 wrote: »slimgirljo15 wrote: »_Maid_of_Mischief_ wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »now here's a great mom:
Hahaha that looks like something I would do. I'm a *kitten* like that
I did.. except it was birthday cake 😆
Although he did get me back when I was eating an ice cream cone 2 weeks later 😁 Oh gosh! I hope you either have good dental care down under or don’t have sensitive-to-cold teeth. I do have sensitive teeth like that, so I just cringed big-time! I have seen/do occasionally laugh at the cake version of that gag, though!
Lol.. no it was my nose and top lip that got covered in ice cream.. he got me good.
Ohh. Eww, though! I was under the impression that you were mid-bite when...glomp! Of course, that would also be a choking problem, so that’s good. However, it could’ve gotten IN your nose and caused other predicaments...blehck!1 -
slimgirljo15 wrote: »slimgirljo15 wrote: »_Maid_of_Mischief_ wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »now here's a great mom:
Hahaha that looks like something I would do. I'm a *kitten* like that
I did.. except it was birthday cake 😆
Although he did get me back when I was eating an ice cream cone 2 weeks later 😁 Oh gosh! I hope you either have good dental care down under or don’t have sensitive-to-cold teeth. I do have sensitive teeth like that, so I just cringed big-time! I have seen/do occasionally laugh at the cake version of that gag, though!
Lol.. no it was my nose and top lip that got covered in ice cream.. he got me good.
Ohh. Eww, though! I was under the impression that you were mid-bite when...glomp! Of course, that would also be a choking problem, so that’s good. However, it could’ve gotten IN your nose and caused other predicaments...blehck!
He pretty much smooshed it in my face , Chased him for a couple of minutes to try and get him back but he runs faster than me 😆2 -
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AmberGlitterSparkles wrote: »ToniLeeAnn82 wrote: »I have a teenager and a toddler. I am trying to balance each one's needs. Some may say that having children this far apart may be nice. Truthfully, I feel guilty, because I was young with my oldest and not making much money. I couldn't provide her with the things I can now provide to my youngest. There is such a difference of how each one is raised, and sometimes it makes me feel that my oldest thinks that I give the little one more attention.
I can so relate to this. My son is 13 and my daughter is almost 2. I do feel guilty a lot that I couldn’t do the things for him that I am able to do for her now. I try to make up for it where I can. The truth is, he is a very grateful child. He never complains about it, and he adores his sister. I think as mom’s sometimes we need to remember that we do the best we can with the situation that we’re in. That money doesn’t create the love. Inspite of the differences, they were raised to the best of our abilities and end up being good kids. So, don’t beat yourself up over it!
Well said. The same with my oldest. It is more my feelings then hers. I always make sure they know they are loved.
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