JUST GIVE ME 10 DAYS - ROUND 61

Tue 12/04 - 71.4kg
This is not great, up 1 kg from yesterday, but I suppose it is the weekend showing - little water, lots of salt and snacks. And last night also turned into a little bit of a binge once again.
Plan for today: food for today weighed and logged, salad and crackers for lunch, fruit snacks. Treadmill after work, healthy dinner with lots of veg and enough to have left over tomorrow. Early night so i get up for yoga in the morning.
Wed 12/05 - 70.8kg
This looks better. Stuck to my plan, went on the treadmill (35mins run and 20mins brisk walk with an incline), had my healthy dinner minus baked potatoes as I burned them, oops. But that meant I had some cals for snacking left over.
And I got up to start today with some yoga despite a terribly hot night, healthy breakfast, lunch will be a guess as I have a meeting. But dinner is ready and waiting for me after the gym.
Thu 12/06 - 70.5kg
Right direction despite not sticking to the plan yesterday. The lunch meeting was very nice steak, the beef here is amazing, no chips. But then I was invited to a pub quiz, which meant I only managed a very short run plus my legs were sooo tired from Tuesday. At the quiz, food was provided and I had to estimate again and also couldn't say no to a couple of beers.
Today, I was too tired to get up for yoga and also won't be going to the gym as I have a lot of work to do and today really want to make it to bed by 10pm.
Fri 12/07 71.4kg
Ugh, I am an idiot. LNS got me, because 'I deserved it' doing work in the evening, being tired and missing home. I am not liking this trend, I was 2kg down from this last week. It wasn't all bad at first, did yoga last night and one American Housewife episode worth of body weight exercises. I discovered that I can use my stairs as a step and still see the TV Didn't log the exercise as I didn't know how to quantify, but I worked up a little sweat. However that surely wasn't enough for the popcorn and pretzles I had after a healthy dinner. So I stopped logging those snacks after the second trip to the kitchen. 😩
I realise that I often eat the same or more cals in fruit and snacks as I do in meals. I need to review and change that. I love my little snacks, they aren't all too unhealthy, but it means I'll never break the habit.
Today, yay, Friday! we only work until 1-2pm in the afternoon - the other days are a bit longer instead - so I will go to the gym for a longer run&walk in the afternoon. I also started this morning with yoga and cucumber water (I can't stop running to the loo). I have packed a slightly bigger portions of breakfast and lunch instead of extra snacks, only fruit for now. Hopefully, that will set me up for the gym later.
Sat 12/08 - 69.8kg I weighed myself several times this morning over the course of 2.5 hours of having a slow morning and a snooze and I got 71.4, 70.8, 70.6 and finally 69.8kg. That is some crazy fluctuation, 1.6kg or 3.5lbs. I mean toilet breaks surely can't account for that much? Anyway, this is nice to see, especially after I did 10.7km on the treadmill yesterday! I was on there for 95mins, walking and running and sweated like never before. It felt really good.
Hunger during the day was ok with my slightly bigger portions. I craved snacks a lot, but only had coffee and an apple. The shorter work day also helped. In the evening I only ate part of the pasta I had cooked and logged and didn't eat all my calories in snacks initially. But then got a bit hungry around 10pm and had some more, but still within calories. I did have a bit of a stressful evening planning another work trip and really wanted some wine, but decided to have parsley&cucumber water instead, so that was a little win. And boy, that water works. My feet looked a bit swollen the last few days and this morning, they are back to normal. Thanks for the tip, tiabirdie56!
Plan for today: started with a quick yoga session, planned healthy, filling meals, including my pasta left overs and have to do some work. My legs are tired from yesterday so no gym, but will do some exercises at home to get my butt off the sofa and away from the laptop. Tonight, people are going clubbing, not sure I'm up for that, dancing would burn calories though. But another eve at home also sounds good.
Sun 12/09 70.8kg
Calories eaten when coming home a little tipsy at night don't count, right? 😝
Didn't go clubbing, but went to some party and had fun. I didn't eat much there, but had a few drinks. But then polished off my popcorn, pretzels and some crisps from the other day. Tried to log it, but who knows. Until then, the day went well, stuck to my plan, did some exercises at home.
Totay, I'm going to a BBQ (or Braai as they call it here) where everything will be guess work. Plus I'm a little hung over and veeery hungry. Gym will have to wait until tomorrow.
Mon 12/10 70.8kg
Ok, so same as yesterday, which is fine. I didn't log yesterday as I knew it wouldn't be accurate anyway. I had a big breakfast, moderate food at the BBQ and a few snacks in the eve. I don't think it was too bad, certainly not at a deficit but also not crazy.
Today, i'm super tired, despite last night being the first cool night, but I will go to the gym tonight and run off my weekend sins I really want to get below 70 by Thu, so i have a salad for lunch and a couple of snacks. Dinner will depend on how many calories I earn on the treadmill.
Tue 12/11 - 70.0kg - now this is better
I was not in the mood for running yesterday, so I decided to just walk on the treadmill. But then I ended up running for some time anyway, even when my podcast went all funny with the sound and I had to switch it off. I really miss walking outside, but I have been discouraged from doing that in the dark here.
Food-wise it was a good day, my larger portions mean I can get by with fewer snacks. Dinner was just couple of slices of bread with avo because there was no power when I got home. That meant I had some space for pretzel snacks and dark chocolate and didn't eat back all my exercise calories.
Today, started with yoga, which was nice and I have healthy day-time food planned. I really fancy pizza for dinner, but i know it'll not help with getting below 70 this round. And if I pick up some after work, i won't even do my bodyweights. Ah decisions decisions...Have a great day everyone.
Wed 12/12 69.6kg there we go, now just gotta keep at it.
I took an unplanned but well needed rest day yesterday and compromised on the pizza craving with half a frozen pizza. During the day I ate well, larger portions of actual food are really making a difference in my snack cravings. I had some chocolate and pretzels in the eve, which made me go above my deficit, but that's ok. Today, I skipped on yoga as I was up late chasing mosquitoes and just too tired. Will be on the treadmill tonight and maybe i'll squeeze in yoga in the eve before my second half of that pizza

ROUND 51 End Weight:228.0lbs +1.8lbs
ROUND 52 End Weight:225.8lbs -2.2lbs
ROUND 53 End Weight:230.6lbs +4.8lbs
ROUND 54 End Weight:227.8lbs -2.8lbs
ROUND 55 End Weight:230.8lbs +3.0lbs
ROUND 56 End Weight:229.2lbs -0.4lbs
ROUND 57 End Weight:227.6lbs -1.6lbs
ROUND 58 End Weight:232.0lbs +4.4lbs
ROUND 59 End Weight:226.4lbs -5.6lbs
ROUND 60 End Weight:228.0lbs +1.6lbs
ROUND 61 End Weight:225.0lbs -3.0lbs

GOALS
Keto on!
Explore a couple of vegan keto recipes
Complete Stage 1 of Shed & Shred 4+ days/ week
Take my hormone/ bc pills like it's my religion lol

During Round 1, went from 245-240ish. I use an analogue scale, so exact numbers aren't available. I have suffered with eating disorders so pulling my hair out over less than 2 lbs difference isn't healthy for me. As such, as with last round, I'm only posting my weight on days 1, 5, and 10.

Weight Notes of Interest

Highest Weight: 275 (years ago, culinary school, eating constantly)
Highest Weight Past 5 Years: 265
Highest Weight This Year: 255
Lowest Weight Past 10 Years: 235

Current Weight: 240ish
Soft Goal Weight: 175 (out of obese bmi with wiggle room)
Hopeful Goal Weight: 150

Day/Comment

12/04
Weight is 241 today. BUT... I took some pants out of the closet. We're talking pants I've never worn because they've never fit. But I could button them and zip them and didn't have to INHALE AND SUCK IN. They weren't comfy yet, but I anticipate by the end of this round, I'll be wearing them. These are pants I bought last time I was doing lots of cardio because they were just a hair too small then, I loved them, and they were the last pair the store had. I anticipated getting into them, but never did. I will, though!

12/05
I bought a new Jillian Michaels video on amazon today (Banish Fat, something something, it's the top result on Amazon if you punch in her name), because I just could not even touch Shed & Shred this morning. I thought, maybe it's because my legs don't wanna do these EXACT moves again so soon. And I was right to a degree, but I stopped after 20 minutes. I needed some recovery today. But I think I'm getting a little addicted to getting my heart rate up, hah. I just FEEL better when I do some hard cardio and didn't wanna skip getting SOME, at least. So, I watched through the rest of the video and totally worth the very cheap $7. I can do all of those moves from my room... unlike Shed & Shred, the second half of which would require me to do moves that I just don't have the space to do.

After that, pretty much cooked all evening. I made cauliflower pizza and quiche and ribs, for the next several days. Cauliflower crust was too many carbs and not a good enough texture for so much EFFORT, dang. It didn't even hold up as a pizza crust, just sorta mushy, and I drained the crap out of it. Maybe I'll just buy cauliflower crust from Trader Joes. Those actually work fine. But note to self: Don't basically go and process a vegetable to remove all its water and then expect the carb counts to be good/ for it to be filling. Just because you did it at home doesn't mean it isn't processed. I would have been much more satisfied with butter fried cauliflower, a soft boiled egg, all with a cream sauce and the same toppings as the pizza. And wouldn't have effectively turned a whole head of cauliflower into one cup of unfilling substance.

I also had to go and make myself a cream tea and eat a couple of fat bombs after pizza. Was NOT enough fat on there even drowned in cheese. Fat bombs filled me up, though. At 1400 calories as of writing this. I've had a 1700 calorie goal this whole time and haven't hit it the past couple days. Don't know if this is good or worrying to be having 200-300 calories less than goal.

Have a good evening everyone!

12/06
I weighed myself this morning after a lot of night time bathroom trips again. More water weight coming off. I'm not posting a new weight until day 5, though. Been a bit of an emotional day. I probably won't go on a prolonged blah blah about my food, because it's 4PM and I haven't even eaten yet. I did get 25 minutes of the Banish Fat workout, though. A few minutes more than last time. That seems to be what happens every time I go into a new workout. I do a little more every time until my body is used to the full set. This one might take more than a few rounds, though. This video is divided into circuits and I did three circuits today. Tomorrow I'll either see if I can do four, or see if my body will agree to Shed & Shred again. Banish Fat isn't as hard on my lower body, in terms of muscle strain, but DAMN, that cardio is intense.

What I do wanna write about is how weird it is to see a muscle in my neck. I don't know how to deal with this. There's something and I know people can go through it with weight changes, and it's really weird to me. Even though I'd rather be thinner and feel as good as I'm starting to feel, it still seems a little like, when I look in the mirror, there is an alien in it, doing a REALLY good impression of me. But isn't getting it quite right. The alien is a little too lean. Things have changed. I have identity issues from childhood trauma, so this is pretty big for me. But I'm not going to let it stop me this time. I do think it affected me last time, and the reason it was detrimental, wasn't that it happened, but because I never spoke of it.

Guys, I'm really happy I'm losing weight, and I feel good, but the mirror is really strange right now. Does anyone else feel like this? Can we be friends?

12/07

AaaaaaaaAAAAA.

I was doing great today, and then I was in a hurry. I grabbed, at a gas station, what I thought was a diet soda. But my hand went slightly to one side and got the wrong one. I ended up having about 8 oz of regular soda, while doing keto. Dammit.

But I did Shed & Shred today. AND I made this amazing keto porridge that has 1 net carb. So breakfast was practically nothing. 2 carb breakfast total! And if I feel hungry later, I can have some more of it and not sweat things. I have had 32 net today, with the soda. Everything else was totally in line. I might end up with 40 net carbs by the end of tonight, because I'm playing a game with friends, and will be up late. I'm disappointed, but not gonna let this little bump depress or stop me. Just want to remind myself not to be too upset if tomorrow's weight isn't good, and if the next couple of days require a few more calories, to keep food cravings manageable. But I'm hoping ketosis survives the small bump. I have hardly had 1000 calories today yet, so my body'll probably use the sugars right away. I was also annoyed to find that my keto strips was just an empty box. Where did I put the actual strips!? Hah! I wasn't using them. My smell after workouts made it pretty obvious that I was in ketosis. I'm just disappointed because I didn't do this on purpose. This wasn't me making a decision and deciding an indulgence was worth it. This was just an "in a hurry" mistake with a drink I am relatively unfamiliar with. I guess we'll see how tomorrow feels.

Grump.

12/08 (Post Weight)
12/09

12/10 241

What the deuce? I wrote this whole big long post yesterday, and it isn't here. I'm a little upset. Also upset about teetering back at 241ish, but this is why I don't go on the stupid dramatic roller coaster of weighing every single day. It's just not healthy for my emotional state. I can't imagine constantly looking at the scale and wondering why it goes up, down, up, down, or worse, stays the same over the course of a small handful of days.

So, reminder to myself. I'm going to keep eating a low sugar diet. The calories are gonna fluctuate. Sometimes they'll be high. Sometimes they'll be low. I had an 1100 calorie day the other day for no particular reason and yesterday, had like 2500 calories. Just like my average weight over time, one day, even one WEEK, has no bearing on my overall progress, even if it seems to.

We are doing very well and moving forward! Don't let the little ups and downs cause you to backslide into hopelessness.

Did Shed & Shred today. Early parts were really hard for some reason, but I had no trouble after warming up sufficiently. That just didn't happen in the time I was doing the "warmup" portion, lol. Maybe I should start my workouts with 15 minutes of very low impact, like some older videos, before they figured out intermediate heart rate stuff wasn't actually that great in terms of exercise advice. Get a warmup for my warmup. Burn a few more calories. Heh.

12/11

My dad coded at the hospital today.

Before you guys get all, "I'm so sorry", this was an abusive man who was responsible for much of the psychological damage that drove me to twenty years of depression and a few other mental disorders (dissociative) which it has taken me into my 30's to get enough education about, to even begin getting help.

I am a little upset, though. I have intentionally avoided talking to him for ten years, at least. Not a word exchanged. But my sister's upset and sent me a message to say he loved me "no matter what happened". And I had to really fight myself not to chew her out a little. She seems to be under the impression that the rift between us had anything to do with the student loan he agreed to pay before I stopped talking to him; and then he tried to abuse and manipulate me to pay later, because I finally found the self-respect and self-love and therapy to cut him out of my life. But my mom divorced him when I was a teen, and my sister is six years younger than me.

I'm pretty sure my sister doesn't really get to remember having to live with him, day after day, as a monster. She doesn't remember him occasionally just not showing up home with no explanation, or the illegitimate kid he had with some other woman that he proceeded to shame my mother with by dragging him, as an infant, to the family Christmas of my father's side of the family, as a "godson", or the way he blamed everything that went wrong on my mother, how he never made any effort to connect to her at all, or all of the littler things that he said and did. By the time they were divorced, he was hardly around anymore, and my sister would have been, at the most, ten.

So she got a lot more of the father that pretended to be nice, because he was around other people. He always acted nice around his extended family, friends, and so on, any time out in public. But in private, me and my mom in particular were f---ing punching bags. He was a coward who only cowed and abused people who couldn't or wouldn't lash back at him. She thinks he is that exterior, but he is actually a horrible person. He won't get therapy or help, and never would, and that violence is always lurking under the facade. Anyone can act nice for a few hours. That doesn't make them good. She doesn't realize that. My father, since around the time of the divorce, moved in with one of his mistresses. They've stayed together, but at some point over the years, that mistress confided in my mother that she'd gotten the brunt end of this garbage, too, and she extended my mother an apology. That she understood now. I can't fathom why she kept him around, if she understood, but I guess battered wife syndrome is a thing.

But I think that my sister's comment was about her, and not me. I don't know why she thinks it's important that I think he loved me. I mean, I know he didn't, because love is as much an act as a feeling, and on top of that, he has never really known me, much less NOW, when we haven't talked in ten years. Perhaps she just wants someone to commiserate with and feels like she needs someone to mourn with her. I desperately wish that it could be me, but it just can't be.

I wish that my sister and whoever else has misguided affections for him didn't have to suffer. But they say one of the biggest things that people who have been abused have to learn, is that abuse and love do not co-exist. They cannot. You can't love someone and intentionally or through egregious neglect, hurt them. That is not what love is. Like I said, love isn't feelings alone, but also actions. I have learned that lesson, and I'm not going to backpedal because he's dying. Self-love comes first, and the version of me who loves herself, can not possibly love him.

Ultimately, he is a black-souled demon, and if he is on his way back to hell, then the world will be a much brighter place.

If you read all this, thank you for letting me vent. I didn't wanna let it out on my sister, who probably can't handle it right now. But it had to come out, bad.