Not sure where I fit in anymore.

youcantflexcardio wrote: »

I've made a TON of life changes over the course of the last year - part of it was getting my fitness back, to a level I'm happy with, part of it has been going a step further and caring about my physical/mental/emotional health.

Pretty much everything has changed. I have a good idea of the direction I want my career to go in terms of job satisfaction. I have active hobbies and can actually do them without struggle. I care about and know about my mental health. 3 years ago I was an alcoholic, now I am an honest to god moderate drinker who could care less about booze except the truly occasional glass of scotch or beer. I've lost the vast majority of the weight I put on through discipline and changing my relationship with food. I've quit smoking by my own choice for the first time in about 6 years. The backbone of all of this was getting back to lifting weights and re-igniting my love for fitness. I'm really happy with all these changes and a better person for them.

That said - I'm not truly sure where I fit in anymore. A lot of my friends and family are alcoholics or alcohol abusers. The vast majority of my them aren't interested in being active, exercise, eating right, drinking less etc. The ones that are, I've strengthened those relationships. The other ones, they're becoming weak - and it's due to me and my changes. Most of these people are either family, or friends I've had long enough to consider family - I don't want to lose these relationships, but it's almost inevitable at this point - I'm lost as what to do and could use some input. How do I keep these friendships alive. Barring saying *kitten* it and buying a pint of whiskey, a pack of marlboros, ordering takeout for everyone like I used to.

You fit in right here like the rest of us. As for the offline world, F' em, be your own trend.

If the extent of your friendship is supplying all the food and favors then you need new "friends" anyway.

You are not alone in this cry of social isolation. Most people in advanced industrial societies have wandered from hearth and home in search of riches and pleasures, only to find loneliness and loathing. If you can measure a problem, you can solve it, so measure the size of your friendship and family circle. If it's too small, enlarge it. The puzzle is in figuring out how that is done.

This is a pretty typical thing in life - people grow apart. True life-long friends are a rarity. You’re growing and changing as a person and it sounds like in a very good way! You don’t have to say *kitten* them and cut them out completely but maintaining a relationship as close as you always had just may not be a possibility.

Also, you say you invite them to things but they always say no. It sounds like you are putting in the majority of the effort. For any relationship to work there has to be a balance of effort - not 50/50 all the time but generally over a long stretch of time it should even out. But you can’t force them to make that effort. It sounds like to some extent they are choosing to let the relationship fade and if that’s true then you can’t save it on your own.

youcantflexcardio wrote: »

george5911 wrote: »

youcantflexcardio wrote: »

I've made a TON of life changes over the course of the last year - part of it was getting my fitness back, to a level I'm happy with, part of it has been going a step further and caring about my physical/mental/emotional health.

Pretty much everything has changed. I have a good idea of the direction I want my career to go in terms of job satisfaction. I have active hobbies and can actually do them without struggle. I care about and know about my mental health. 3 years ago I was an alcoholic, now I am an honest to god moderate drinker who could care less about booze except the truly occasional glass of scotch or beer. I've lost the vast majority of the weight I put on through discipline and changing my relationship with food. I've quit smoking by my own choice for the first time in about 6 years. The backbone of all of this was getting back to lifting weights and re-igniting my love for fitness. I'm really happy with all these changes and a better person for them.

That said - I'm not truly sure where I fit in anymore. A lot of my friends and family are alcoholics or alcohol abusers. The vast majority of my them aren't interested in being active, exercise, eating right, drinking less etc. The ones that are, I've strengthened those relationships. The other ones, they're becoming weak - and it's due to me and my changes. Most of these people are either family, or friends I've had long enough to consider family - I don't want to lose these relationships, but it's almost inevitable at this point - I'm lost as what to do and could use some input. How do I keep these friendships alive. Barring saying *kitten* it and buying a pint of whiskey, a pack of marlboros, ordering takeout for everyone like I used to.

You fit in right here like the rest of us. As for the offline world, F' em, be your own trend.

If the extent of your friendship is supplying all the food and favors then you need new "friends" anyway.

I wasn't saying that supplying food or favors was the basis of my friendships, it was just an example of what used to happen.

I can't just say *kitten* em, and don't want to - these people are either family, or friends that have been in my life 10+ years at least. I don't want to just ditch them because my life has changed and gone in a different direction.

Relationships of any kind should be a 2 way street. It sounds like you're the only one driving. You don't have to act like they dont exist anymore or anything like that, just realign the way you prioritize your time. If they are a true friend, relative or not, they will understand and either A) be good with the change and accept it for what it is hopefully realize the value of your friendship and put in a little more effort on their own end to maintain it.

Based on just the context here, you're coming from a good place and it is clear you care about others. Betting you've been called"loyal to a fault" a time or two.

Bottom line is what matters most to you should be you. Not in a selfish narcissistic way, but in a preservation and quality of life kind of way. If the relationship is causing you to have guilt over making a better choice for you, it is toxic. Just the longer version of how I would see it, again based off the above context alone.

Your choice.
They make their choices.
If these are people you care about, and value as friends and family, your decision whether you have them in your life. You can not change people, they have to do it for themselves.
Personally, I wouldn’t give up on them. Maybe, by your presence alone, you can quietly, influence them to make changes themselves.
Why would you ask if you should give up and join them, and go back to what you determine to be negative habits, if you are happy with the direction your life has taken?

Anytime you change it forces the people around you to change too. You change positively, they have to re-assess. You change negatively, they have to re-assess. It's a process that's uncomfortable and challenging for everyone. I think you're doing all the right things by maintaining contact with the "old friends" and your family and recognizing your limits. You don't engage in the behaviors or settings that don't work for you any more but you let them know what you do engage in and invite them to join you.

You're reaching out to them and should continue to do so. Meet them where they are, while respecting your own boundaries. Over time this "new" relationship you have with the"old" people might die out, some will change into new kinds of relationships, some will thrive and grow. If you can, continue to strengthen the relationships working and put some effort into cultivating new friendships as well. You'll find all kinds of like minded individuals at your gym or at AA Meetings (if you participate there) it will take time, but you'll find a new place to "fit in". Best of luck to you, sounds like you've taken charge of your life and are in a much better place.

Life changes and people grow apart and go in different directions. I have friends that I've known for ages that once upon a time I couldn't have imagined not being thick as thieves. Most of my long time friends I still see from time to time and some more than others...but all of our lives have changed over the years...my first big change was getting married...then it was having kids...then it was getting back into fitness and healthy living.

All of those things had impacts on my other relationships...I still have friends that are my age who are single and childless and they hang out and party and play video games and whatnot just like we did in our 20s...I'm just passed that being married and having kids. I see those guys maybe once or twice per year at a pool party or something. The flip to that is I've developed other relationships and have stronger relationships with older friends who are also married and have kids as our priorities are similar and our kids are growing up together.

I used to be a big football fan...I still love the game, but I used to be a fanatic and pretty much all I did on Sundays was get up and watch football all day. I would typically meet some guys at the bar or one of their houses or my house and we would start drinking at noon and go all the way through the end of the Sunday night game. That changed somewhat when I got married, but my wife also always wanted me to have my time with the guys, as long as it wasn't all the time...changed more when I had kids...changed more when I got into fitness and healthy living. Most of the time I'd rather head out for a long bike ride on Sunday than sit on the couch all day...or go and take my kids to the climbing gym or trampoline park or out for a hike or something. I rarely sit and watch a whole game anymore, let alone a whole days worth. I still get together with those guys every once in awhile during the season, but usually I'll just meet them at the bar to watch a game and not hang out all day. We all still talk and we're friends, just not as close as we used to be.

I got into the whole good livin' thing in the fall of 2012. At the time I didn't have any friends that were particularly interested in fitness and good livin'. Years later I have quite a few that I've either met through group meetup rides on the weekends and people I've met in my gym, including my trainer and his wife (who is my wife's trainer) who are very good friends of ours now with kids of roughly the same age. That was one I didn't really see coming...professional relationships budding into very close personal relationships.

You should be incredibly proud of all the changes you have made. As many people have said it's normal to outgrow friends and family when you life goals change.
But that just means you need a few more friends on your own level, you said you go to the gym but have you considered joining any sports groups where you live? It's easier to grow a bond with people and potentially become friends if you do the same class/team.

youcantflexcardio wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, gave me some perspective.

I know people change and grow, its just a damn shame when people who have been there your whole life seemingly have no interest in growing with you.

Sounds like you're grieving the "loss" of the negative relationships in your life. People grow & change at their own rate IF they choose to grow and change. Some never do because they don't want to AND you cannot make them follow your path just because you'd like them to. Like others have said here any healthy relationship is a two-way street, give & take! Interestingly, you don't mention any of these people bending over backwards to cater to you, to stop by & spend 20 mins talking with you, checking in on you!! You seem to be doing all the work and it isn't working is it? Cause if it were working we wouldn't be having this discussion.

You also say the vast "majority" of them are not interested in the things you are now interested in so what's the draw for you? It would be interesting to see what would happen to these relationships if you stopped trying so hard. I've been there, done that.

Save your energy for your positive pursuits, for your life changes that are within your control and find people who you have something in common with. IF there is any substance to your other relationships, they will make an effort...if they don't, then you're not losing as much as you fear. Hoping the best for you...don't let this stuff hold you back from the good stuff in your life.