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Talking to a Loved One About Weight Loss
TynaBaby17
Posts: 56 Member
in Debate Club
Have you ever had a discussion with a overweight/obese family member or someone you loved about their weight because you were genuinely concerned for them?
Did you make a plan to talk about it? Did you bring it up randomly? Did anything you said help/hinder them? Would you change how you did it if you could?
I have an immediate family member who is overweight and has been for sometime. Fortunately they are young so there are not too many weight related issues that they have encountered yet.
But how do you help bring up a sensitive topic like this in a way that might actually spark change?
I try to drop subtly hints/invitations for them to come exercise with me or we could go grocery shopping together or take a exercise class together or something but it always gets blown off.
I don't want this person to wait until something extreme happens for them to realize they have to make a change. It is hard to just sit back and watch when you really care about someone struggling with being over weight/obese.
Did you make a plan to talk about it? Did you bring it up randomly? Did anything you said help/hinder them? Would you change how you did it if you could?
I have an immediate family member who is overweight and has been for sometime. Fortunately they are young so there are not too many weight related issues that they have encountered yet.
But how do you help bring up a sensitive topic like this in a way that might actually spark change?
I try to drop subtly hints/invitations for them to come exercise with me or we could go grocery shopping together or take a exercise class together or something but it always gets blown off.
I don't want this person to wait until something extreme happens for them to realize they have to make a change. It is hard to just sit back and watch when you really care about someone struggling with being over weight/obese.
2
Replies
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How likely is it that this person doesn't know he or she is overweight/obese or that being obese is unhealthy? When I was overweight I was extremely conscious of it -- would go out of my way to mention it sometimes just in case someone would think I was unaware -- and someone other than a doctor bringing it up would not have been helpful for me at all. (I actually avoided the doctor in a way that was unwise since I knew it was likely to come up and so I felt like I couldn't see the doctor until I lost weight.)
It's going to depend on the person, of course, as I do know there are some here who say they didn't realize until someone talked to them, but for me that's so hard to understand. Since you know the person, you are probably going to be better able to judge the approach than we will.17 -
You can't make other people change. You can't make other people prioritize their health. You can't make other people stop digging their grave with their fork.
You are already offering to help and being ignored - that is your answer even if you don't like the answer.24 -
I’ve had this conversation with my mother. I began it with “This is an uncomfortable subject but I want to discuss it with you because I’m worried that ignoring it just because it’s uncomfortable is really silly. Also, because I love you and am concerned about your health. Specifically, your doctor said ‘blah blah’ but it’s good that we can reverse this before it gets bad so let’s talk about what we can change.”4
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Unfortunately, because weight can be a really touchy subject for people, you risk damaging your relationship if you do much more than "hint".
I have a close relative who is only a bit overweight, but it is really hard on their arthritis and now the doctor is concerned about their cholesterol. I tried to get them to join MFP once and suggested some diet strategies once and they got really defensive. I could feel it was starting to cross a line, so I backed off. It is very frustrating, but unfortunately if someone doesn't want to change, you can't really convince them. If this person really wanted to change, they would probably have taken you up on one of your invitations.
IMHO, the best you can do is model positive habits and hope that as you continue to exhibit the benefits of what you are doing, they will ask you at some point. Or the opportunity will arise when maybe they confide in you that they are unhappy or limited because of their weight and that will open the door.
Sorry
Perhaps someone else has a success story they can contribute. 11 -
Like lemurcat2, I find it hard to believe the person doesn't already know. What I find works best is for me to just discuss my own journey as part of a relevant conversation. I try not to be obsessive or make it the only topic of conversation, in fact many times I don't bring it up even with people who know I am actually losing weight. But sometimes talking about my successes as well as struggles, my hopes, and how it makes me feel better will lead to other people talking openly about their own journey.
It is really hard to watch someone struggle when you really care, but only they can make the change themselves and the best you can do is offer support and advice.6 -
It's hard to tell and will take any number of strategies to get through to them. Some require a gentle touch while others respond to direct action.
In the end the only person able to correct this is that individual. Any attempt to point out bad behavior will likely hurt your relationship with them. All you can really do is lead by example and help them if they reach out.0 -
I have a friend who is morbidly obese that I've been trying for years to get him on top of his health. The conversation always migrates to weight loss (usually by him). I try to give him the best tips and advice I know of. (IE counting calories, getting a food scale, just walking, etc) He's probably sick of hearing about it from me (and my husband). Although he seems to want to lose weight, he refuses to do much other then "mentally" counting his calories. Or doing things like "just eating noodles and butter" instead of spaghetti or drinking fruit juice instead of soda. It's a little frustrating. Unfortunatly it's up to him to find his "why" and "what" for his weight loss and health. Until something major happens that hopefully scares him into changing his habits for good, all I can do is hint and offer up what I know. People won't change unless they want to.2
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Maybe a different question to ask is...those of us who were obese, how would we have reacted or what would we have wanted to hear from someone who was trying to help?22
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As has been said, it’s extremely unlikely that this person doesn’t know they are overweight and also know that being overweight isn’t healthy. He or she already knows everything you’re going to tell them.
You are asking what you can say to spark meaningful change in someone else’s behavior. You can’t.
If you want to know what does spark someone to make meaningful change in their behavior (which is what is needed and is the only thing that will work), read through any of the multitude of threads about what made you change, what was the last straw, why did you decide to lose weight, what motivated to you start (some posisble search terms)...
I haven’t read them all start to finish, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a response that said “my family/friends told me....”
The bottom line is that no one is going to change their behavior unless they want to. This person will find their why whenever they find it-and only then will they start to change their behavior in a meaningful way.
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Maybe a different question to ask is...those of us who were obese, how would we have reacted or what would we have wanted to hear from someone who was trying to help?
I agree. When I was obese (most of my life, really...age 16-36 and I'm now 42), the only stuff that worked for me was positive reinforcement. When I ate healthy foods and someone said, "Dang you eat healthy!" even if the person meant "...for someone of your weight", I took it as a compliment and it really made me want to eat even healthier. When I was at my heaviest and started going on very long walks (miles per night), my friends who said "Man, I need to do that too" made me feel good about myself and want to keep up that routine.
Anyone talking to me about specific weight loss diets went in one ear and straight out the other. I became pretty vocal about being ok with my size. I wasn't 100% ok with it of course but I basically wanted to shut down anyone who came at me with criticism or asking me to change.
I also did not want to exercise WITH other people, particularly not people who were a lot smaller/fitter than me. It took about 100 lb loss before I was comfy hiking in a big group or running a 5k with my girlfriends. I couldn't do it until I knew I was on their level fitness-wise. I know most of this is my own vanity, competitiveness, etc. And looking back I wasn't in the worst condition for a morbidly obese person. But yeah. I didn't wanna hear that I ought to try keto or going to the gym.
TL;DR Positive reinforcement works. Pressure doesn't with most people.
If people in my life (even those I cared about) made me feel like I needed to change, then I just stuck that much with what I was already doing including things that were not healthy.28 -
TynaBaby17 wrote: »Have you ever had a discussion with a overweight/obese family member or someone you loved about their weight because you were genuinely concerned for them?
Did you make a plan to talk about it? Did you bring it up randomly? Did anything you said help/hinder them? Would you change how you did it if you could?
I have an immediate family member who is overweight and has been for sometime. Fortunately they are young so there are not too many weight related issues that they have encountered yet.
But how do you help bring up a sensitive topic like this in a way that might actually spark change?
I try to drop subtly hints/invitations for them to come exercise with me or we could go grocery shopping together or take a exercise class together or something but it always gets blown off.
I don't want this person to wait until something extreme happens for them to realize they have to make a change. It is hard to just sit back and watch when you really care about someone struggling with being over weight/obese.
Honestly, I think what you're doing is the worst way you could go about it. You're not being subtle at all and you're making that person feel judged/pressured, even if that's not your intent. It's their life and it's presumptuous of you to lecture somebody about what's best for them... even if you are correct in the long run.
If you really want to help them, leave them alone. Tell them about MFP and calorie counting if you must, and then never bring the subject up again unless they bring it up with you.14 -
InsertFunnyUsernameHere wrote: »TynaBaby17 wrote: »Have you ever had a discussion with a overweight/obese family member or someone you loved about their weight because you were genuinely concerned for them?
Did you make a plan to talk about it? Did you bring it up randomly? Did anything you said help/hinder them? Would you change how you did it if you could?
I have an immediate family member who is overweight and has been for sometime. Fortunately they are young so there are not too many weight related issues that they have encountered yet.
But how do you help bring up a sensitive topic like this in a way that might actually spark change?
I try to drop subtly hints/invitations for them to come exercise with me or we could go grocery shopping together or take a exercise class together or something but it always gets blown off.
I don't want this person to wait until something extreme happens for them to realize they have to make a change. It is hard to just sit back and watch when you really care about someone struggling with being over weight/obese.
Honestly, I think what you're doing is the worst way you could go about it. You're not being subtle at all and you're making that person feel judged/pressured, even if that's not your intent. It's their life and it's presumptuous of you to lecture somebody about what's best for them... even if you are correct in the long run.
If you really want to help them, leave them alone. Tell them about MFP and calorie counting if you must, and then never bring the subject up again unless they bring it up with you.
I think it depends. Are they depressed? Or are they addicted to food? You just leave them alone? We don’t do this when our loved ones are addicted to drugs or are suffering a mental illness.7 -
InsertFunnyUsernameHere wrote: »TynaBaby17 wrote: »Have you ever had a discussion with a overweight/obese family member or someone you loved about their weight because you were genuinely concerned for them?
Did you make a plan to talk about it? Did you bring it up randomly? Did anything you said help/hinder them? Would you change how you did it if you could?
I have an immediate family member who is overweight and has been for sometime. Fortunately they are young so there are not too many weight related issues that they have encountered yet.
But how do you help bring up a sensitive topic like this in a way that might actually spark change?
I try to drop subtly hints/invitations for them to come exercise with me or we could go grocery shopping together or take a exercise class together or something but it always gets blown off.
I don't want this person to wait until something extreme happens for them to realize they have to make a change. It is hard to just sit back and watch when you really care about someone struggling with being over weight/obese.
Honestly, I think what you're doing is the worst way you could go about it. You're not being subtle at all and you're making that person feel judged/pressured, even if that's not your intent. It's their life and it's presumptuous of you to lecture somebody about what's best for them... even if you are correct in the long run.
If you really want to help them, leave them alone. Tell them about MFP and calorie counting if you must, and then never bring the subject up again unless they bring it up with you.
I think it depends. Are they depressed? Or are they addicted to food? You just leave them alone? We don’t do this when our loved ones are addicted to drugs or are suffering a mental illness.
addicted to drugs =/= obese/overweight
mental illness =/= obese/overweight
You cannot pressure people into losing weight. That'll backfire. The obese/overweight person has to come to that decision themselves. Constantly reminding them that you'd like them to lose weight is only going to make them push you away.
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I was the person who was the object of the conversation. And I didn't like it one bit. Even though I recognized the rationale.
My father and sister have both had WLS. And, at Obesity Level III, I would have qualified. Dad suggested it to me at a point when I was dealing with lymphedema and a weeping wound that wasn't healing, both of which were obesity-related issues. (The veins in my legs had collapsed under my excess poundage and some of my lymph ducts had gotten compressed. Then I got cellulitus and my lymph system went into overdrive to fight it, which meant water blisters on my leg, medically-ordered bed rest to avoid overworking/heating up the leg, visits from home-care nurses to change the dressing, multiple courses of antibiotics... I was not having a fun time.)
The thing is, it wasn't Dad's talk that decided me. It was the vascular surgeon I saw shortly thereafter, who gave me some plain facts. My veins weren't going to 'uncollapse'. What I was going through could happen again. My condition could be controlled—not cured—with compression stockings and weight-loss.
It wasn't Dad's plea with me to have WLS or otherwise do something about my weight that motivated me. It was looking at my health issues and realizing that I didn't want them to be my life.
It's the difference between someone saying "Please stop smoking. It's dangerous and could kill you." and a doctor saying, "There's a growth on your lungs. We caught it before it could spread, but it could come back. If you stop smoking, you'll reduce that chance exponentially." The second one, from somebody who didn't have a history of trying to tell me how to run my life, hit home a lot more effectively.
I know this isn't what you're looking to hear, OP, but in my case, it DID take something drastic for me to wake up and do something.18 -
I've never been obese, but I have been overweight. Every single time my mum or my husband told me I was fat and needed to lose weight by doing x, y or z (which never included counting calories btw...), I would straight away feel like even more *kitten* than before and go and eat even more.
They didn't say it in a bad way, it wasn't "hey chubbo, lose some weight you whale", nothing like that, it was always in a concerned way etc etc (I had always been average/athletic build prior to pregnancy, so when I got "fat" it was a big difference).
So yeah, I wouldn't say anything. I hated it when people said it to me. I KNEW I was overweight, I already felt like *kitten* about it, the last thing I wanted was a reminder of how fat I was. So pass me the family sized bag of chips and block of chocolate please.12 -
I think it depends. Are they depressed? Or are they addicted to food? You just leave them alone? We don’t do this when our loved ones are addicted to drugs or are suffering a mental illness.
And most of the interventions that people try with addicted or mentally ill people don't work, or just make things worse.
When I was morbidly obese, I darn well knew I was morbidly obese. I felt bad enough about it without other people reminding me to feel bad about it on the few occasions I was able to forget for a few minutes.
I had tried everything they suggested and nobody seemed able to comprehend that I wasn't mistaking hunger for thirst, or that I wasn't ignoring my hunger signals and eating when I wasn't 'really hungry', I was just SO HUNGRY. ALL THE TIME. I felt despairing, I felt hopeless, I felt blamed for something beyond my control, because I had tried a million different diet plans and nothing had worked and even with the things that did work a little I just couldn't continuously override THE HUNGER.
...it turns out that I have exceedingly weak physical appetite signals, and exceedingly strong mental appetite signals. 'Real' hunger feels like I'm slightly tired; 'not-real' hunger feels like physical pain during every moment that I'm not eating. None of the standard advice was ever going to work for me; I had to find my own ways to brainwash myself out of hunger.
All of which means, your loved one is just going to have to find their own way. All you can do - and are doing - is make them feel bad about themselves. And since comfort eating is a thing, that will not help.10 -
Maybe a different question to ask is...those of us who were obese, how would we have reacted or what would we have wanted to hear from someone who was trying to help?
I wish someone would have had the courage to confront me with the very uncomfortable fact that I was blaming someone else for making me fat (a causal link anyway...) but also blaming them for keeping me fat for 20 years which was a total fallacy and a lack of responsibility on my part. As it didn't happen I'll never know how I would have reacted though but I hope it would have triggered anger with myself rather than the person delivering a caring but difficult message.
But I also know that approach would be totally wrong for my daughter and also my wife. A very, very sensitive subject for my daughter, just a hint is enough to trigger anger and defensiveness.
My wife is far less emotional about her weight and working from the aspect of health concerns worked better.5 -
There is nothing you can say or do.
At my heaviest I was 12 pounds shy of 400 lbs. I knew I wasn't healthy. But if you or anyone else for that matter brought it up, it made me mad, this is my body, and you have no right to have an opinion about it, unless you are a medical professional, I'm not going to listen unless I asked you for your opinion.
The best thing you can do is love this person. Continue to love this person, support this person, and be positive around them, leave their body out of it.
The only time someone can make a real change in their life is when they choose to, not when you think they should.
12 -
The root cause isn't weight though - it is a symptom of something deeper in nearly all cases.
With me being overweight came out of a feeling of helplessness. I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer resulting in a thyroidectomy and for years fell for the woo regarding the impact on metabolism. Finding out this is all a lie was pretty shocking, but welcomed.
I see two primary root causes:
1. Responsibility. The vast amount of information out there is focused on blame and deflection....it's your metabolism, your genetics, it's big food/big pharma/da gubberment... Getting people to realize that they alone are responsible for their weight requires a monumental psychological change.
2. Awareness. People are frustrated because for years they have likely put valuable time and energy into failed strategies. Realizing that it really is as simple as Calorie In/Calorie Out is a challenging moment where people are going to either going to take this new information and reassess, or they are going to experience cognitive dissonance. Most are going to choose the route of dissonance as they have not be trained or conditioned to think critically.
I've posted this link before and it certainly rings true:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY9DcIMGxMs&t=501s
I would venture that most of the strategies implemented in regards to substance abuse could be successfully applied to weight management.7 -
I'm just venting/sharing here, and warn that I don't have any answers, so you can stop reading now and I won't be offended.
My step son is ~half my age, and has been taking my "fat" shirts and sweaters. His waist is too large to take my old fat pants. I've moved from 38" waist pants and XLT shirts to 34-35" waist pants and LT shirts. He's already wearing 40" plus waist pants...
It bothers me because I know it would be easier for him to change course now at 26 compared to 52+
His mom was out of town this weekend, so we were together. I made pork chops, grilled asparagus and roasted potatoes with peppers and onions. He took 2/3rds of the potato dish and left 3/4s of the asparagus. Gravitating towards the carb heavy sides, eschewing the green veggie.
(Works for me as I have to avoid too many carbs due to T2D issues.)
He seems to live on a carb heavy diet and I suspect is dangerously close to 300#
Lots of Asian food, sweet sauces. Lots of pizza and bread sticks orders.
I have the additional complication of him being a step-son, so the relationship is different.
But leading by example isn't working. He's an adult and just eats and eats. No exercise.
I worry about him, but he is unwilling to take guidance.
His mom has approached him about it, and he blows off her guidance as well.
Now that he's 26, he's aged out of our insurance and YMCA membership....
And yes, if you look at my food diary for the week to 10 days prior to this weekend, it was bad because I was the on-call guy and just didn't care for the week after having close to 30 hours of OT. I tried to "be bad" away from home to not be a bad example to him and to not tempt my wife who is working her own plan.
I simply wish I could be persuasive and convince him to just keep track of what he's eating and put some reasonable limits on his consumption.12
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