When others sabotage your efforts

sijomial · March 2019

Ask them why they start to push food if they know you are trying to cut down?
Just a simple unemotional question. Not a confrontation as it appears you find that difficult.

Ask them why they suggest a bacon double cheeseburger when you say you want something else.

If they say it's about moderation then ask why they think it's a problem for you.
If they say they think a simple meal choice is a step on the path to anorexia - ask them why they think that.

Just keep asking why. It may lead them to think about their behaviour, it might not. But if they do it would make it clear whether it's deliberate or just an habitual behaviour they repeat without thought.

sugaraddict4321 · March 2019

I've never tried to deliberately sabotage anyone, but I have been that person who said "just one bite" or "just try it" or "don't be so strict" etc.

I'll share with you what someone said to me that finally stuck in my head. I have to paraphrase because it was years ago.

I'd made cake for a party, and she was doing low-carb. I used the phrases above to try to get her to have some. I wasn't trying to sabotage her. I knew she liked cake. I was trying to encourage her to enjoy herself, not to throw off her whole diet.

She said, "That cake looks amazing and I'm sure a lot of work went into it. I know you think you're being helpful and friendly by offering me cake, but it's actually the opposite. It's okay to offer me cake once, because you're trying to be polite and offer some to everyone. But if I decline, please accept that and don't drag me into a back-and-forth. The choice is mine to make. I'd appreciate your full support as my friend."

Since then, I've tried very hard to be more supportive of friends and colleagues and not push them to consume something they don't want. I still offer just in case, but if they decline I say okay and move on.

kshama2001 · March 2019

MrsBradyBunch wrote: »

Asking if I want some is not forcing food on me. Continuing to ask after I have already said no is a problem, one that we have been working on. My husband is a loving man.

Yes, I have boundary issues. Growing up in an abusive, alcoholic family will do that to a person. I could set boundaries all I wanted to, and they'd be bulldozed right over.

Sure, it can be healthy and self-affirming to cut ties with toxic family members. I've done it myself.

It may be pointless to speculate why they behave like that other than to just realize that they are behaving badly because they are not in a healthy place. (And it is not your place to fix them.)

I'm curious as to why this is coming up for you now? Are they pressuring you to come home for April holidays?

My Kindle just offered me this and I've read the sample. Although it does not apply to any current relationships, it does apply to past relationships: Dodging Energy Vampires: An Empath's Guide to Evading Relationships That Drain You and Restoring Your Health and Power

Dr Northrup can be a bit out there in some aspects, but I found her very helpful when dealing with other issues in the past, and just take what I like and leave the rest.

Have you gone to Al Anon?

NovusDies · March 2019

I do have family try and push food on me but I find that they don't do it as much if I am eating a small portion of whatever is fixed. I draw the line at dessert but I almost never ate dessert before so that is not a change. The one thing I don't want to do is make others feel uncomfortable so that is why I choose to participate in a small manageable way. This only applies to food though obviously not cigarettes and alcohol.

You mentioned that your husband doesn't always bring home 'the healthiest' of food choices. It is not that helpful to make food judgments. Almost all food has nutrients that you need. If he is bringing home choices that you absolutely cannot make fit in your day/week or do not wish to make work at that time that is different.

I am not trying say you have been wrong in your journey but you shouldn't let past incidences control how you are in the future. Moderation really is the key as long as it is not being used as a weapon to force feed you.

I am only really posting this because I have seen too many people come through here with overly restricted diets and as someone who used to do that in the past I know it is a recipe for failure. You do not have to eat "diet" food to lose weight.

JohnBarth · March 2019

It's not intentional sabotage, but co-workers often walk around with a box of Krispy Kreme's or something else I rarely eat. "Oh come on, just one won't hurt you" or "We're down to the last one--you should just take it." Often, these responses are after I've already said "no thanks." The last time, I gave in to their pressure, and as soon as they'd cleared the space from my doorway, the doughnut hit the trash can (after I searched the calorie count and made a conscious decision that it wasn't worth it).

wjeter40 · March 2019

JohnBarth wrote: »

It's not intentional sabotage, but co-workers often walk around with a box of Krispy Kreme's or something else I rarely eat. "Oh come on, just one won't hurt you" or "We're down to the last one--you should just take it." Often, these responses are after I've already said "no thanks." The last time, I gave in to their pressure, and as soon as they'd cleared the space from my doorway, the doughnut hit the trash can (after I searched the calorie count and made a conscious decision that it wasn't worth it).

I've done that too. I just cut right to, "sure that looks good, but I'm going to save it for later because I'm so full right now, I can't eat another bite." Then I'll take it and either eat it later or give it to someone else that wants it. They feel like they did a good deed by feeding me a treat and I stuck to my plan!

jdhcm2006 · March 2019

Last weekend, my sister asked my dad to grab her a bag of the Easter egg peanut butter m&m's. I said "Oh great, I'll have a few of yours." My sister playfully went back and forth on how she wasn't giving me any of her m&ms. Dad saw this and decided to get us both a bag. He was just trying to be helpful and stop a sibling "argument." He knows it's something I love, but he also knows I'm trying to watch my intake. But he didn't do it to be malicious, he did it because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I ate a few each day I was there and left the rest for someone else to enjoy. I told my sister that while I really appreciated it, I really didn't need it b/c I only wanted a few. We laughed b/c that's dad and that's his love language.

This sounds like your husband. It sounds like his love language is offering you things he know you enjoy. He's not intentionally trying to sabotage you. He just wants you to be happy. Just continue to gently drive home that while you appreciate it, you don't need it.

Dreamwa1ker · March 2019

jdhcm2006 wrote: »

This sounds like your husband. It sounds like his love language is offering you things he know you enjoy. He's not intentionally trying to sabotage you. He just wants you to be happy. Just continue to gently drive home that while you appreciate it, you don't need it.

^^This. Maybe for your husband at least, you could give him some ideas of other little things he can get/do for you that you enjoy that are not food-related for when he is wanting to show you some love? E.g. flowers, bubble bath, a new book, etc?

Phirrgus · March 2019

MrsBradyBunch wrote: »

Asking if I want some is not forcing food on me. Continuing to ask after I have already said no is a problem, one that we have been working on. My husband is a loving man.

Yes, I have boundary issues. Growing up in an abusive, alcoholic family will do that to a person. I could set boundaries all I wanted to, and they'd be bulldozed right over.

This resonates with me...my wife went through years of abuse before we met. It's all been dealt with and she has come out the other side quite a strong woman, but...even though I support her and love her with all my heart and soul, I can still be obtuse and "Not quite get it" when she needs my support on something, or needs me to just "get" something she's been gently trying to get across.

What she does after patiently trying and me not getting it, is to sit down with me and have a real heart to heart talk. That almost always works. The few times it hasn't, I still support her decision and/or feelings. She's my wife, not my property - I don't always have to agree, but I will always support her right to her feelings and decisions.

You say your husband is a loving man and I believe you - maybe it's time you tried a heart to heart with him? If he is anything like me at all he's going to insert himself between you and anyone that tries to force anything on you.

MrsBradyBunch · March 2019

My husband is not trying to sabotage me. He just wants me to be happy, so he offers me things he thinks I'd enjoy. For the record, it would be OK with him if I never lost an ounce. I could be as big as a musk ox, and smell like one too, and he'd think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. The only real problem I have with him is when he continues to offer after I've said no. And he's working on that. One person advised me to ask for something else instead. "No, I don't want any of that, thank you, but could you please refill my water?" And that accomplishes the same thing. I could refill my own water, but he likes to do for me. This satisfies both needs.

My grown daughter and her boyfriend live with us while they're saving up to get their own place. The issue resurfaced because she still has contact with them, and they've been playing the same games with her. Fat-shaming in one sentence, food-pushing in the next. When she goes back to visit them and they eat together, all eyes are on her plate. Just like they used to be on mine. She was talking to her boyfriend on speaker phone during one such visit, and I was hearing it happen. Brought back really bad memories.

lynn_glenmont · March 2019

MrsBradyBunch wrote: »

One person advised me to ask for something else instead. "No, I don't want any of that, thank you, but could you please refill my water?" And that accomplishes the same thing. I could refill my own water, but he likes to do for me. This satisfies both needs.

I use this strategy with people who offer something I don't want or try to encourage seconds of something that I don't feel is worth the calories, and I know they're just trying to be a good host or show their love with food.

"Would you like some more of the sweet potato casserole?" "Thanks, but what I'd really like is some more of those roasted brussels sprouts -- you really got a yummy caramelization to them! And that little piece of ham, with the browned edge? Thanks!"

"Do you want the apple pie, or the pumpkin, or a slice of each?" "Oh, I couldn't now, I'm too full. But I'd love a cup of coffee! Anybody else? Shall I make a pot, or just a cup for me?"

I'm not saying this would work with your family, as they don't sound at all like they're coming from a normal place, but in normal situations, most people are just as happy to give you something you do want (assuming it's available) rather than the thing they thought to offer.

rheddmobile · March 2019

I’m diabetic too. When I was diagnosed I had a heart to heart with my husband, and told him that I needed to get my weight and diet under control or there was a serious risk that I might die. I showed him some statistics - diabetes is no joke, and greatly increases the risk of death from cardiovascular events, the flu, strokes, not to mention direct complications of diabetes itself. And I told him that anyone who wanted me to die was my enemy and I would treat them as such. No more asking me to finish half his plate. No more expecting me to go out for junk food every day. And so on. And he has always been good about it, ever since then. I wonder if a similar talk would get through to your family members, or at least the family members your daughter has the most direct contact with. Death is bad, and morbid obesity greatly increases mortality, and nice family members don’t try to push their family along the road to death.

Then again it might not work - I think most people by now are aware that smoking kills, and trying to force someone who is quitting to smoke again is just not right behavior.

In any case, if you wanted reassurance that you are not overreacting, you can have it. You are allowed to want to be alive and to protect yourself from people who don’t value your life.

Jelly8035 · April 2019

Sounds like you need to move far far away. Worked for me, never looked back. I have a great relationship now, on the phone, 8 states away lol. Far enough that they won't spend the $to sabotage in person. Be your own person. If you move or not. Be healthy for you, not them.

Running_and_Coffee · April 2019

It's negative, rude and annoying, yes, but it's only "sabotage" if you allow it to change your behavior.

I would try to spend less time with them and more time with people who support your values and goals. Do you have friends who are also trying to either lose or manage their weight? Do you belong to a gym or other group where you can find like-minded people?

Just NOT hanging out much with the negative dysfunctional people will be a life changer!

150poundsofme · April 2019

This woman hounds me to eat the ice cream even though I said no thank you. She lost 100 lbs. Really don't know why she would push food on anyone. The other day I turned down cookies. Immediately a man said "You're on a diet!" I said no, I don't like coconut. I think people do like to see others bigger than themselves or like you said, to have you be the weaker one. Many times I do succumb to the food. Why? Sure, I want to eat it. Even though I said I wouldn't because of my plan or health. Deep down, I am still compulsive with the food. I have to remain strong and determined to my own decisions and not let anyone deter me from it.

kshama2001 · April 2019

Jelly8035 wrote: »

Sounds like you need to move far far away. Worked for me, never looked back. I have a great relationship now, on the phone, 8 states away lol. Far enough that they won't spend the $to sabotage in person. Be your own person. If you move or not. Be healthy for you, not them.

She did move

Her grown daughter still has contact with them and that was triggering her.

JohnnytotheB · April 2019

Remember this, misery loves company. That's it with your whole story. I have people in my life like this as well. They are fat or out of shape.

Also remember that "NO" is a complete sentence.

In the future if someone puts the slice or whatever in front of you (rudely), just get up and throw it away. Done. Set boundaries.

snickerscharlie · April 2019

I've dealt with similar situations with, "Thank you. I don't want any of that right now, but it was kind of you to offer."

When I'd get the inevitable pushback, I'd simply say, "Thank you. I don't want any of that right now, but it was kind of you to offer."

Rinse and repeat.

Most people got it on the second run-through.

texasredreb · April 2019

My friends who know I'm dieting are supportive because I've told them that I'm facing some health issues (which is true). To all others who inquire, I say "I"m cutting back on sweets, so no thanks but it looks delicious." Again, most have been supportive.

paperpudding · April 2019

I haven't had anyone try to sabotage me and your examples do sound really extreme.

The silly type comments you mentioned though - birthday cakes don't have calories, but it's Sunday,etc - sure, people make them and I've probably made them myself too.

But always been in light hearted way, everyone knows is not meant literally and then accepted No anyway.

When others sabotage your efforts

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