A long struggle

mykha76
mykha76 Posts: 4 Member
in Goal: Maintaining Weight
First of all, I've been a long time user of MFP but have lost the details to my old account.

Alas, I was looking for some help.

I started using MFP in Jan 2015. From around 105kg, I went down to 70kg by December that year, so BMI 38 to precisely 25.

Since then, I've lost another 14kg, hence I'm around 56kg and I'm probably steady at the weight now. BMI around 20 perhaps?

I regularly exercise (mainly cardio but I will start strength soon), and though, admittedly, my diet isn't excellent, it still tries to comprise a 5 or 6 portions of fruit and veg a day.

Good, right? But I can't stop calorie counting. It doesn't help that my background is mathematics. And probability. Hence I like counting. And I'm acutely aware of the high probability of regaining weight after such a large loss.

I feel guilty when I eat a bit more than I would theoretically burn in a day. It eats at me (no pun intended). I see the scales tip perhaps a half kilo the next day and thus my penance is to eat significantly less that day, even though I'm well aware I don't have to. I. count. EVERYTHING. Every crumb.

How does one stop those feelings of guilt? The obsession? I can't be the only one who feels that stabbing pain, can I?

See a therapist, right? Mental healthcare is a bit of a toss-up, and so, I turn to this venerable community as a substitute.

Replies

  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 33,942 Member
    Yeah, definitely therapy or even a cognitive behavior course.

    Maybe try taking a month off from tracking and weighing yourself and really dig in to the anxiety problem, that's what this is.

    Meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, mindfulness, anything to learn how to stop those spinning obsessions.
  • mykha76
    mykha76 Posts: 4 Member
    cmriverside wrote: »
    Yeah, definitely therapy or even a cognitive behavior course.

    Maybe try taking a month off from tracking and weighing yourself and really dig in to the anxiety problem, that's what this is.

    Meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, mindfulness, anything to learn how to stop those spinning obsessions.

    Evening, thanks for the reply :)

    Another confession. I'm rather well read in the area of CBT and mental health, having attempted to assist a friend once upon a time, and whilst I do try, and can decode my behaviour, I find it difficult to surmount these feelings.

    For example, there is a mountain, and you know you are capable of getting to the top, and you know there is no pain beyond it, but those forces that appear to be beyond your control just push you back? Or rather, you hold yourself back, out of fear? The lesser of two evils.

    Yep, I sound rather unhinged, I know!
  • psychod787
    psychod787 Posts: 4,088 Member
    mykha76 wrote: »
    First of all, I've been a long time user of MFP but have lost the details to my old account.

    Alas, I was looking for some help.

    I started using MFP in Jan 2015. From around 105kg, I went down to 70kg by December that year, so BMI 38 to precisely 25.

    Since then, I've lost another 14kg, hence I'm around 56kg and I'm probably steady at the weight now. BMI around 20 perhaps?

    I regularly exercise (mainly cardio but I will start strength soon), and though, admittedly, my diet isn't excellent, it still tries to comprise a 5 or 6 portions of fruit and veg a day.

    Good, right? But I can't stop calorie counting. It doesn't help that my background is mathematics. And probability. Hence I like counting. And I'm acutely aware of the high probability of regaining weight after such a large loss.

    I feel guilty when I eat a bit more than I would theoretically burn in a day. It eats at me (no pun intended). I see the scales tip perhaps a half kilo the next day and thus my penance is to eat significantly less that day, even though I'm well aware I don't have to. I. count. EVERYTHING. Every crumb.

    How does one stop those feelings of guilt? The obsession? I can't be the only one who feels that stabbing pain, can I?

    See a therapist, right? Mental healthcare is a bit of a toss-up, and so, I turn to this venerable community as a substitute.

    Well, YOU have to choose the ground you walk. I recently joined a TOPS program for support. There are Carb counters, calorie counters, ect. Most of these people have kept off weight for years. Is there something wrong with them? I say no. People here have a tendency to poo poo the way others live. I think its up to the individual. If calorie counting works for you and gives you the life you enjoy, then do it. If you are not having hunger and satiety or health issues, go for it. As far as anxiety, I KNOW the feeling. I am now walking my path for good or bad. No regrets! Best of luck op.
  • psychod787
    psychod787 Posts: 4,088 Member
    edited September 2019
    70bof4ihf2is.jpg
    bigcraddock wrote: »
    This is basically where I’m at. Significant weight loss (100lbs). I know that a fairly low percentage keep it off long term. I also haven’t adjusted physically to my new weight- I still get shocked my my face in mirrors etc. I’m also slightly asd. The upshot if all of this is that I am obsessive. Everything is counted. When I eat something (which isn’t often- maybe once every two weeks) that wasn’t planned for .... I’m not talking a 3 course meal. I’m talking 1/2 a cookie or ice cream..... then I berate myself. On the scales immediately and then ‘tighten up my calories’ just in case the next day. It’s a massive control thing. When I was heavy, I felt out of control. Now I am very controlled. It’s sort of a problem. And sort of not. I don’t want to lose more weight, but I absolutely won’t gain any. Obviously, I have no answers. I suppose I think it’s a quality of life issue in the end. Does the obsessing/ counting/ restricting adversely affect your quality of life? And if it does, can you change it if you want to. If the answer is no- there’s a problem. But that’s just me!

    I feel ya.... we need to start a group. I lost 220 and went sub 10% bf. It is a control issue. The mirror issue is a *kitten* as well. My photos. Not my current leanist. I developed massive hunger issues. Still maybe in the mid teens now and gaining. Pushing back up to atleast 225, maybe up to 260 over time. Lifting of course.6bpexzt8ppfw.jpg
  • mykha76
    mykha76 Posts: 4 Member
    bigcraddock wrote: »
    This is basically where I’m at. Significant weight loss (100lbs). I know that a fairly low percentage keep it off long term. I also haven’t adjusted physically to my new weight- I still get shocked my my face in mirrors etc. I’m also slightly asd. The upshot if all of this is that I am obsessive. Everything is counted. When I eat something (which isn’t often- maybe once every two weeks) that wasn’t planned for .... I’m not talking a 3 course meal. I’m talking 1/2 a cookie or ice cream..... then I berate myself. On the scales immediately and then ‘tighten up my calories’ just in case the next day. It’s a massive control thing. When I was heavy, I felt out of control. Now I am very controlled. It’s sort of a problem. And sort of not. I don’t want to lose more weight, but I absolutely won’t gain any. Obviously, I have no answers. I suppose I think it’s a quality of life issue in the end. Does the obsessing/ counting/ restricting adversely affect your quality of life? And if it does, can you change it if you want to. If the answer is no- there’s a problem. But that’s just me!

    Hey! I empathise. Though my guilt kicks in above my maintenance calories, rather than with a snack. But yes, if does impact my life, and work. And unfortunately, I'm trying to run a small business, which I believe has potential, but without me operating at 100% capacity, it will not succeed. And I just don't know how to change, or what to change.
  • mykha76
    mykha76 Posts: 4 Member
    psychod787 wrote: »
    70bof4ihf2is.jpg
    bigcraddock wrote: »
    This is basically where I’m at. Significant weight loss (100lbs). I know that a fairly low percentage keep it off long term. I also haven’t adjusted physically to my new weight- I still get shocked my my face in mirrors etc. I’m also slightly asd. The upshot if all of this is that I am obsessive. Everything is counted. When I eat something (which isn’t often- maybe once every two weeks) that wasn’t planned for .... I’m not talking a 3 course meal. I’m talking 1/2 a cookie or ice cream..... then I berate myself. On the scales immediately and then ‘tighten up my calories’ just in case the next day. It’s a massive control thing. When I was heavy, I felt out of control. Now I am very controlled. It’s sort of a problem. And sort of not. I don’t want to lose more weight, but I absolutely won’t gain any. Obviously, I have no answers. I suppose I think it’s a quality of life issue in the end. Does the obsessing/ counting/ restricting adversely affect your quality of life? And if it does, can you change it if you want to. If the answer is no- there’s a problem. But that’s just me!

    I feel ya.... we need to start a group. I lost 220 and went sub 10% bf. It is a control issue. The mirror issue is a *kitten* as well. My photos. Not my current leanist. I developed massive hunger issues. Still maybe in the mid teens now and gaining. Pushing back up to atleast 225, maybe up to 260 over time. Lifting of course.6bpexzt8ppfw.jpg



    Wow, impressive physique. Alas, I do agree with your take, essentially, live your life as you wish, but it's the acceptance, that is difficult.

    Thanks all for your comments. It feels good to at least talk things through.

Categories