How to deal with sweet's in the home
Replies
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Motorsheen wrote: »"Honey, I weigh 400 pounds. I am trying to do something about that before I fall over dead - I want to be here and healthy for you. If I had the ability to resist temptation, I wouldn't be this weight, so I need your support. No more sweets in the house. Can you do that for me?"
Right?
.... and if her answer is "No." , what then ??
Really.... not wisecracking here.
How does one deal with an enabler ??
Not many people in a close relationship will flat-out refuse a heart-felt, direct appeal for help in doing something with life-or-death consequences.
A 400 lb person whose nascent efforts to lose weight are being sabotaged by a spouse needs to sit down with said spouse, lay out the problem, and insist that they work together as a team.
A "no" answer would hint at a deeper problem in the relationship than junk food, and that could be addressed in various ways, but my starting position would simply be: I need your help with this.
Dieting has many challenges, and I've learned that one of them is getting control of the situation with other people who aren't tuned in. I've dealt with more than my fair share of going to meet a friend for a meal and sitting down to a table full of fried onion rings and such. I've tried and tried to hint and get my needs across in a myriad subtle ways, to no avail. Eventually, I just got to a point where I would say, "I'm morbidly obese. I am trying to save my own life. It's a big project. Being surrounded by junk food makes it much harder. So what I need from you is to not make it even harder than it already is by putting crap food right in front of my face."
It works. In fits and starts, and not necessarily on the first rev. But by the 2nd or 3rd iteration, it sinks in.
How are you gonna go out with friends for a meal then try to dictate what they can and cannot order. Unless they ordered the food for you specifically where does that entitlement come from?
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I was dealing with situations where I was out with someone who had pre-ordered food for BOTH of us before I even got to the restaurant. As in, "I ordered us some chicken wings...." I was sitting down at tables that were already covered in food which I was (a) supposed to partake in, and (b) would end up paying half of.
I brought the hammer down on that. I had to.
What people order for themselves at a restaurant is of no concern to me. But when I go out to eat with people, there's very often shared food and a shared check, and that I'm not gonna be part of unless there's some shared understandings about what's OK to order and what isn't.
Being shy about one's needs doesn't always work with dieting.
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I was dealing with situations where I was out with someone who had pre-ordered food for BOTH of us before I even got to the restaurant. As in, "I ordered us some chicken wings...." I was sitting down at tables that were already covered in food which I was (a) supposed to partake in, and (b) would end up paying half of.
I brought the hammer down on that. I had to. No choice.
What people order for themselves at a restaurant is of no concern to me. But when I go out to eat with people, there's very often shared food and a shared check, and that I'm not gonna be part of unless there's some shared understandings about what's OK to order and what isn't.
Being shy about one's needs doesn't always work with dieting.
Ok I thought you were telling peeps what to order for themselves I was like 😳😳😳.
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Motorsheen wrote: »"Honey, I weigh 400 pounds. I am trying to do something about that before I fall over dead - I want to be here and healthy for you. If I had the ability to resist temptation, I wouldn't be this weight, so I need your support. No more sweets in the house. Can you do that for me?"
Right?
.... and if her answer is "No." , what then ??
Really.... not wisecracking here.
How does one deal with an enabler ??
Not many people in a close relationship will flat-out refuse a heart-felt, direct appeal for help in doing something with life-or-death consequences.
A 400 lb person whose nascent efforts to lose weight are being sabotaged by a spouse needs to sit down with said spouse, lay out the problem, and insist that they work together as a team.
A "no" answer would hint at a deeper problem in the relationship than junk food, and that could be addressed in various ways, but my starting position would simply be: I need your help with this.
Dieting has many challenges, and I've learned that one of them is getting control of the situation with other people who aren't tuned in. I've dealt with more than my fair share of going to meet a friend for a meal and sitting down to a table full of fried onion rings and such. I've tried and tried to hint and get my needs across in a myriad subtle ways, to no avail. Eventually, I just got to a point where I would say, "I'm morbidly obese. I am trying to save my own life. It's a big project. Being surrounded by junk food makes it much harder. So what I need from you is to not make it even harder than it already is by putting crap food right in front of my face."
It works. In fits and starts, and not necessarily on the first rev. But by the 2nd or 3rd iteration, it sinks in.
Agreed. I think it would help if OP would share more of what the conversations have been between him and his wife and who else in the family is eating the sweets (sounds like it might just be the wife, in laws, and him). It's difficult for me to understand why, given the situation, the wife would not help, and makes me think counseling may be needed and that something else is going on (fear of change, feeling judged for being overweight herself, anger at OP for gaining weight, who knows).2 -
I’m so sorry . 😔 What we do is allow it on a weekend and it better be gone by Monday or it’s in the trash . My father in law handed over a bucket of candy to the kids for Halloween - he knows we don’t celebrate it . I have high anxiety over sweets. They kept a few pieces and the rest went into the nearest trash ! I don’t like being wasteful but if you keep throwing the bad food on the trash , maybe they’ll have an attempt to hide it from you ?1
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You are trying to change yourself, right? Not your wife or anyone else? No one is obligated to change anything because you are.6
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Motorsheen wrote: »airforceman1978 wrote: »I have a huge problem with this. And no matter what I say wife brings the crap in. Last night she brought 3 dozen cookies and a pie home. And tells me I just need self control. If I had a abundance of that I would not be 400 pounds. And it's not like I am the only one in the house with a high bmi wife motherland fathering law all gave over 40. I just having a hard time not eating them because if I have 1 I'll eat a 4 our 5
Had I already made myself clear on the subject, and she still brought that into the home without any other special occasion in mind, I would have put most (or all) of it down the garbage disposal.
I would remind her that I wasn't joking and if she brought more of the same into the house, it would suffer the same result.
Harsh? Maybe... so what?
What's the worst thing that would happen? She get's upset?
At which point she can start shredding or otherwise destroying anything of yours she doesn't like, right?9 -
First I understand I am the one that needs to change but a little support would be nice.
I have had the same conversation 100 times with the 3 adults in my house I don't care if they have them I just don't want to see them I do not think that's to much to ask for.
I honestly believe they are afraid of change. My shrink told me one time that people do not like it when you upset the balance. And if you succeed you only highlight there failures.
[edited by MFP Mods]11 -
I think it’s unreasonable to ask anyone else to eat the way you do. I am 100% responsible for what goes into my mouth. If you live in a home with others you have to respect that they will not be on the same path you are. I would also never throw away someone else’s food unless it had spoiled. I would be livid if my significant other threw away something I was looking forward to eating because he did not agree with it being in the house.
With that said, OP I do think that comprises can be made. Is there a specific cubbord or shelf your spouse and in-laws can use for these kinds of treats. When it’s there it’s hands off for you. Is it possible for your wife to buy things in smaller portions, so there are fewer left overs?
The fact is that you will be faced with temptation every day. I personally think it’s much healthier and more likely of long term success if you can find strategies to moderate those feeling when they occur rahbtwf then relying on others to ensure you are not faced with them.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been with others wishing I could eat like I think they do. But the fact is that I am not them. My choices are my own, and I the one who has to live in my body.
I also am always surprised at how often the sabatoge is thrown around. It is more likely your wife and in-laws are just doing what they are used to. It’s actually very rare that other people actively try to sabatoge. My best friend brought me a hot chocolate the other day. He knows I don’t drink coffee and it was snowing outside. He even got me a small knowing I count calories. What he did not know was that one small hot chocolate was more then my average meal allotment. It was not sabatoge. He doesn’t count calories he assumed it was less then it was, that’s all.
For the record the hot chocolate was amazing!! The best I’ve ever had! I ate a little less the rest of the day and was still under maintenance for the day.7 -
airforceman1978 wrote: »First I understand I am the one that needs to change but a little suport would be nice.
I have had the same conversation 100 times with the 3 adults in my house I don't care if they have them I just don't want to see them I do not think that's to much to ask for.
I honestly believe they are afraid of change. My shrink told me one time that people do not like it when you upset the balance. And if you sucide you only highlight there failures.
Of course they are, quite possibly without even being fully conscious of it. It's good that you have that insight. It may help you figure out how to communicate with them about this.
Spouses and partners worry that we'll change and abandon them, that we'll come to find them "not good enough".
Others subconciously are unsettled because they've convinced themselves that everything is perfectly normal and OK and that weight loss and improved fitness are impossible for them or really anyone (after a certain age, or after a certain weight, or because of certain circumstances, or whatever). Other people, people similar to them, accomplishing things they believe they can't is very unsettling.
I think that's all pretty natural, normal, human. (Not everyone who feels that way acts it out; not everyone who acts out on account of it realizes that that's what they're doing.)
You're doing the hard work of breaking a new path through a jungle that's currently facing all of you. With time, if you can hang in, reassure them a little, make it work without dramatics, they may choose to follow you down that path, maybe, someday, just possibly. No way to know.
What you're doing is hard, takes strength. Possible, though. Hang in there. :flowerforyou:7 -
airforceman1978 wrote: »First I understand I am the one that needs to change but a little suport would be nice.
I have had the same conversation 100 times with the 3 adults in my house I don't care if they have them I just don't want to see them I do not think that's to much to ask for.
I honestly believe they are afraid of change. My shrink told me one time that people do not like it when you upset the balance. And if you sucide you only highlight there failures.
I mean sure, it would be nice, but at the end of the day the only one who can do this is you. No one else is responsible for your success or failure.
Also, not to be mean, but I doubt you're making anyone change by telling them over and over again that they need to. In fact, that's probably the best way to keep them from changing. If they didn't listen the 1st 100 times, they're not gonna listen 101st or the 201st. Yeah, it sucks, but it is what it is.4 -
jennifer_417 wrote: »You are trying to change yourself, right? Not your wife or anyone else? No one is obligated to change anything because you are.
Your partner should try to find a way to support your goals even if they are not their own. That is part of being in a relationship. I do agree that banning food from the home is not a place to start but asking her to change some of her behaviors is not asking much. We are heavily influenced by the people in our lives and our environment. For many, maybe most, eating at home is where we are most vulnerable because that is where most of it happens.7 -
airforceman1978 wrote: »First I have talked with wife and I laws many times my mom thinks the in laws try to sabotage me on purpose. I fine with them being in the house just don't make me unload the things from the truck are see them. We eat out a lot and I have no problem with the fried crap they order I just was looking for ways to keep me from having to see deal with the food
Obviously don't know you're living arrangements. However if I had relatives living with me and they didn't choose to follow rules I've established for my house, I would politely tell them this isn't working out and for the good of our relationship they need to find another place to live in 30 days.
Wife is a bit harder.6 -
It was hard to lose weight in the beginning when there was temptations. I guess you can tell them to put their food in a different cupboard to yours.0
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jennifer_417 wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »airforceman1978 wrote: »I have a huge problem with this. And no matter what I say wife brings the crap in. Last night she brought 3 dozen cookies and a pie home. And tells me I just need self control. If I had a abundance of that I would not be 400 pounds. And it's not like I am the only one in the house with a high bmi wife motherland fathering law all gave over 40. I just having a hard time not eating them because if I have 1 I'll eat a 4 our 5
Had I already made myself clear on the subject, and she still brought that into the home without any other special occasion in mind, I would have put most (or all) of it down the garbage disposal.
I would remind her that I wasn't joking and if she brought more of the same into the house, it would suffer the same result.
Harsh? Maybe... so what?
What's the worst thing that would happen? She get's upset?
At which point she can start shredding or otherwise destroying anything of yours she doesn't like, right?
If my spouse was a raging alcoholic and I placed a bottle of tequila on the kitchen counter, and left in there in plain sight, after she had repeatedly asked me not to bring it into the house and she then poured it down the sink... I would understand. Would I be upset? Maybe; but I would understand.
It's not like putting a pair of her shoes in the bin because one thinks they don't like their color.
Apples / Oranges
Maybe drastic action is okay when fighting for your life. The OP is 400 pounds.
I've seen 400 lb people.
I've seen old people.
I haven't seen any 400 lb, old people.
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jennifer_417 wrote: »You are trying to change yourself, right? Not your wife or anyone else? No one is obligated to change anything because you are.
Your partner should try to find a way to support your goals even if they are not their own. That is part of being in a relationship. I do agree that banning food from the home is not a place to start but asking her to change some of her behaviors is not asking much. We are heavily influenced by the people in our lives and our environment. For many, maybe most, eating at home is where we are most vulnerable because that is where most of it happens.
Yes, I agree, they should. But the original question had to do with how to handle sweets in the house, to which the only answer is personal responsibility.5 -
My mother in law has done this, she would bring candies, cookies and sweet things and leave for my husband on his desk. I explained that if they were not kept in a place I wasn’t aware of then they would be tossed. Plain and simple. And I have tossed. Problem was solved
I am a see food eater especially when it comes to sweets. Out of site out of mind.2 -
jennifer_417 wrote: »jennifer_417 wrote: »You are trying to change yourself, right? Not your wife or anyone else? No one is obligated to change anything because you are.
Your partner should try to find a way to support your goals even if they are not their own. That is part of being in a relationship. I do agree that banning food from the home is not a place to start but asking her to change some of her behaviors is not asking much. We are heavily influenced by the people in our lives and our environment. For many, maybe most, eating at home is where we are most vulnerable because that is where most of it happens.
Yes, I agree, they should. But the original question had to do with how to handle sweets in the house, to which the only answer is personal responsibility.
The ultimate answer is personal responsibility, yes.
The OP is asking, and it seems not getting, cooperation from his spouse.
Does one's spouse owe their partner anything? Compassion? Empathy? Support?
This scenario certainly makes the above question germane to the conversation.11 -
Motorsheen wrote: »airforceman1978 wrote: »I have a huge problem with this. And no matter what I say wife brings the crap in. Last night she brought 3 dozen cookies and a pie home. And tells me I just need self control. If I had a abundance of that I would not be 400 pounds. And it's not like I am the only one in the house with a high bmi wife motherland fathering law all gave over 40. I just having a hard time not eating them because if I have 1 I'll eat a 4 our 5
Had I already made myself clear on the subject, and she still brought that into the home without any other special occasion in mind, I would have put most (or all) of it down the garbage disposal.
I would remind her that I wasn't joking and if she brought more of the same into the house, it would suffer the same result.
Harsh? Maybe... so what?
What's the worst thing that would happen? She get's upset?
I wouldn’t get upset id get petty.
No one should tolerate their perfectly good food getting thrown out in their own home. If their paying bills too (or not) and they bought it with their hard earned money you have no right touching their *kitten*. 😁
Reality is, no one owes you anything.
So, you're comparing the sell price of a $3.00 box of cookies to the staggering cost of morbid obesity ?
and/or.... are you more concerned about the wife's feelings than her husband's health ?
Honest Question Here:
Would you feel differently if the gender roles here were reversed and it was the husband blatantly sabotaging the wife's efforts to better herself ??
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I know it is our problem not our spouse or anyone else but I am so glad my husband is nice enough to keep all those fattening foods away from me. He puts his stuff in a certain drawer and takes it to computer room at night and eats it and not in the livingroom with me, I think it is respectful.12
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