Unsupportive Husband
pcbossack31
Posts: 20 Member
Hello everybody! I hope everybody is doing well, especially during these unprecidented times. I have been totally changing the way that I eat and exercise and my husband isn't being very supportive. I want to switch to being a vegetarian and he doesn't like it at all. He won't let me cook what I want to cook and he just comes up with all these excuses why I shouldn't make what I want to make. He is being very controlling. Can someone give me some advice? Is anybody going through anything similar?
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Replies
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the book "boundries in marriage" was very helpful in general by Dr's Henry Cloud & John Townsend6
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You say he is being very controlling, but is it possible that he feels that you are the one being controlling? You want to totally change the way you eat, but he may not want to totally change the way he eats. It seems like the two of you need to come to a compromise. I eat a lot of vegetables, and I don't mind an occasional vegetarian meal, but I like to eat meat and I like cheese and dairy and eggs. If my husband suddenly decided that we could never eat that stuff again I would not be happy. You need to find some ways to prepare meals that include things that both of you like and you eat the things that you want and let him eat the things that he wants.32
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If you're not trying to also change his diet and habits, it'll probably help just to rub along for the time being making what you each want to eat and dealing with the extra labour. If you are trying to change up his business when he was happy before, there's your problem.4
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If you make what you make for you, does that leave him out or are you still planning on making food he likes?
My OH and I like very different foods, but since I always make something he likes (and he's reasonable), it works.
For example, tonight we are having spaghetti, sausage, and meatballs. I am also having kale and am not offering it to him. I will have more protein and less carbs than he will.
Other nights we have pizza - he has more plus a small salad, I have less plus a large salad.
Sometimes we have steak - he grills himself ribeye and me skirt. I make potato salad and green salad for him, and turn my steak into Thai beef salad.7 -
Are you making him eat what you want to eat? If you made his dinner without issue will he be supportive? Vegetarian is a big change if he likes meat6
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It can be hard to make changes, especially if you've assumed a role where you make all the meals and he does not contribute by also preparing food. BUT assuming he is an able bodied adult, he can make his own food. He can buy his own food. Yes?pcbossack31 wrote: »Hello everybody! I hope everybody is doing well, especially during these unprecidented times. I have been totally changing the way that I eat and exercise and my husband isn't being very supportive. I want to switch to being a vegetarian and he doesn't like it at all. He won't let me cook what I want to cook and he just comes up with all these excuses why I shouldn't make what I want to make. He is being very controlling. Can someone give me some advice? Is anybody going through anything similar?
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ps - I have a friend who has been a vegetarian since she was 13 and ethical vegan since her early 20s. I would never expect her to cook meat for someone else. But it sounds like you are making the switch for health reasons. So I suggest you continue to cook standard meals for him. You can also offer him some of your food.
Last week I made Brazilian Black Beans and Kale Ricotta Pie. (This was the original "Moosewood Cookbook" Spinach Ricotta Pie that I adapted to accommodate the excess of kale from my garden. I'm not a vegetarian, but I do make a lot of recipes from that vegetarian cookbook.)
Neither of us expected him to like either, and we had hot dogs as a back up. But he ended up liking both and went back for seconds.3 -
It's unclear from your post - are you asking him to change the way that he eats? Or he is attempting to tell you that you must eat what he wants you to eat? The first is kinda understandable (most of us don't want to radically overhaul our diets!), the second is . . . well, uncool.12
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Make what you want, but don't be upset when he decides to not eat it.
Adding, for most of the time my husband and I have been together I was a vegetarian, and he wasn't. I still cooked meat, and we made meals together that we could both enjoy. I never expected him to become a vegetarian, and he never expected me to become a meat eater.6 -
As others said, your post is not clear on what exactly he is protesting.
Speaking from experience, it is possible to change someone else’s eating habits with them resisting, but it takes time. In my case, like three years. My husband is (was) very much a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy, but we started small. We always make our weekly meal plan and grocery shopping together, and cook together as well. First, it was just meatless Monday, and not even every week. We usually tried a new recipe every time, so eventually we had some good ones we both liked and started replacing some red meat regulars with those. Now, my husband observes meatless Monday independently even if I’m not home, and is known to cook tofu for a Friday night dinner with his guy friends. We still eat red meat occasionally, but it’s slowly been replaced by vegetarian options, chicken and fish. When we do have red meat, it’s usually in smaller quantities than before.
For the last 6 months we’ve been working on adding more veggies into meals to make them lighter and more nutritious. This process has been much faster than the shift from red meat towards vegetarianism, mostly because I found my secret weapon: agreeing to pretty much any recipe he suggests with ”ok, how do we add more veggies into that?”. He’s getting pretty good at it already, and it doesn’t feel like he’s being denied the foods he wants.
If his issue is with you cooking for both of you and he still wants to continue eating meat, I think you could start small with a new vegetarian recipe here and there, and gradually switching from red meat to more chicken and fish, and going from there. Alternatively, especially if he eats lunch at work, could you have a discussion with him about maybe he could eat his meat on meals that are not shared with you, and have more vegetarian meals with you? It’s not really about vegetarianism, but my husband and I have a pact that we indulge in the foods the other hates when they aren’t home or when we eat at restaurants. That way, the meals we share are something we both genuinely enjoy but neither one is deprived of the other things we like.1 -
My best friend and her husband are a mix household. She has been vegetarian her whole life. He eats whatever she makes, but he will cook his own meat for meals, etc. Hasn't been a problem for them.2
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As long as it’s just for you then do it anyway. If he has a problem with that then tell him it’s your body and he married a strong woman who doesn’t need permission to be her best self.5
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janejellyroll wrote: »It's unclear from your post - are you asking him to change the way that he eats? Or he is attempting to tell you that you must eat what he wants you to eat? The first is kinda understandable (most of us don't want to radically overhaul our diets!), the second is . . . well, uncool.
Great job articulating what I was wondering!
The first is an opportunity for the OP to negotiate. Lots of suggestions above.
The second is a matter for marriage counseling or a divorce attorney. I've been in a relationship with # 2.7 -
What about including him in the meal planning and preparation. It is not 1950 and you are not a stereotypical housewife there to satisfy your husband’s every request.14
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Does he have some sort of disability that prevents him from preparing food? You prepare what you want, he prepares what he wants.12
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My boyfriend and I eat very different diets so we both cook our own seperate meals. We buy our groceries separately as well. We both work full time so there is no way I would want to be coming home and cooking 2 separate meals, from the start of our relationship it was obvious we had different tastes so this is what we have always done.8
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I'm a bit shocked at all of the "make two meals" comments. I'm assuming as he's a married man that he's an adult. If he doesn't like eating your food he doesn't have to. He knows where shops are and he knows what a kitchen is. If he can't cook YouTube has thousands and thousands of how to cook videos.
I know it can be hard standing up for yourself when you're not used to it but I would suggest clearly and calmly having a conversation and making it clear what your intentions are and that his choices are to eat what you're eating or to make his own food. Try to have the conversation away from meal times so he's got time to make changes if he needs to.18 -
I agree... Changing habits and dynamics is hard. We all have 'roles' we play in a relationship. But even if you've always handled the cooking, meal prep/planning: change and compromise is possible. If the way it was is no longer working for you - something needs to change. Communicate, look for common ground, and he could/should become more involved in the process if he wants different foods.Geneveremfp wrote: »I'm a bit shocked at all of the "make two meals" comments. I'm assuming as he's a married man that he's an adult. If he doesn't like eating your food he doesn't have to. He knows where shops are and he knows what a kitchen is. If he can't cook YouTube has thousands and thousands of how to cook videos.
I know it can be hard standing up for yourself when you're not used to it but I would suggest clearly and calmly having a conversation and making it clear what your intentions are and that his choices are to eat what you're eating or to make his own food. Try to have the conversation away from meal times so he's got time to make changes if he needs to.
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My husband was unsupportive the first time I lost a bunch of weight (65 pounds and we were dating but living together). I tried my best to ignore him but it was hard for sure. Eventually he told me it was because a previous girlfriend had lost a bunch of weight to get attention from other guys and eventually they broke up because of it. We worked through it and he eventually became more supportive (or at least didn’t try to sabotage me).
Fast forward to us getting married and he was ready to try and lose some weight. He lost about 75 pounds. Fast forward to our first baby and he was very supportive and was trying to lose weight when I was ready to lose the baby weight. He was very sweet and didn’t try until I was done nursing since I tried to do it while nursing and wasn’t being successful. I guess I’m saying all this to give you hope that he’ll come around and be supportive, even if he doesn’t decide to also lose weight.5 -
pcbossack31 wrote: »Hello everybody! I hope everybody is doing well, especially during these unprecidented times. I have been totally changing the way that I eat and exercise and my husband isn't being very supportive. I want to switch to being a vegetarian and he doesn't like it at all. He won't let me cook what I want to cook and he just comes up with all these excuses why I shouldn't make what I want to make. He is being very controlling. Can someone give me some advice? Is anybody going through anything similar?
You realize you don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight? If you have other reasons fine, but weight loss is calories in vs calories out.8
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