I'm struggling...with everything.

3greyhorses · August 2020

After years and years of yoyo-ing on everything in life, I'm wondering if I even care anymore. Yearly, monthly, weekly, daily I go from super motivated to lose weight and reach other life goals, only to fail to follow through. The time is flying by and I'm no better off than I was a few years ago. I'm exhausted and honestly, am not even sure if any of it even matters anymore. Why keep trying if I'm only going to let myself down once again? What exactly is it I want, anyway? My husband and I are in a complete rut after 25 years of marriage. We're deeply in debt, we're just drudging along day by day, not really healthy, not really motivated to change. We drink beer and eat "bowl snacks" in front of the tv every night. I'm active during the day, working on our horse farm, walking and swimming. No matter how active I am, I never lose any of the 30+ extra pounds I'm holding onto. I know it has to come from diet, but I just can't seem to maintain the dedication to eating healthy. I'm starting a new job this week and am an anxious mess. It's a part-time gig that shouldn't be stressful, but since I'm feeling so *kitten*, weak and have no confidence, it's making my anxiety skyrocket. I'm coming off an injury and haven't been able to swim, walk or ride my horses for 2 weeks so I know I'm depressed. I keep reminding myself that those things will be back to normal soon and the job will be fine once I get started, but deep down I just keep wondering what is it I want and why? I feel like I'm tired of just letting time go by as if I'm counting down the days to death, but am not sure I have it in me to strive for more given my past failings. I feel like I'm at the point where I just can't organize my thoughts to make a plan that I can stick to.
Any advice on how to pull myself together?
I'm very much a checklist kind of person so I'd love to hear from those who have daily/weekly/monthly/yearly checklists.

quiksylver296 · August 2020

Hugs! You sound so defeated.

It sounds to me like you need to change your habits. That's hard to do. One approach is to add something positive, rather than worrying about stopping the negative things. What is one positive thing you can add to your day? Maybe a 30 minute walk, or adding a veggie to dinner, or...whatever. Do that. Keep doing it until it feels normal to you. Then add another positive thing. Rinse and repeat. Eventually those positive things will edge out the negative things.

Dave Ramsey's program for paying down debt is an option, if you haven't looked into it before.

One other idea - schedule out your day. Every hour (or half-hour) has a task. Schedule in your job and chores. Then schedule purposeful things in the free time. An hour for watching TV. A half hour for each meal, eaten while sitting at the table. A half-hour for doing dishes. Etc, etc.

Half Size Me is a podcast that has lots of good ideas and help.

SERmom3 · August 2020

Sorry things are so difficult right now. One thing that worked when I was getting started was to take baby steps. Previously, I would try to make large lifestyle changes, but would eventually fail. Once I started making one small change at a time, I was able to stick with it.

Since you like checklists, you might benefit from the “Daily Commitment Thread for 2020” on the Motivation and Support page. Every day you log on and post your goals for the day. The next day you indicate how you did. New people are joining all the time, so feel free to jump right in!

Best of luck to you!

JBanx256 · August 2020

"Atomic Habits" by James Clear

Good luck with the new job too!

SnifterPug · August 2020

That's tough. "What exactly is it I want, anyway?". Well, that's the problem. And it was for me for years. I got fat, lost a bit, got fatter, lost a bit and the trend was upwards. Every new diet plan and resolution ultimately failed. For me, the answer came out of the blue. I decided I ought to take up some weight training. Not because I wanted to do weight training; because I had read about the risks of osteoporosis as women get older and thought perhaps I should do something about staving it off. Taking the actual action was triggered by a new personal trainer in our gym offering an introductory rate. I had no clue about weights so knew I needed some tuition. I was the useless kid at school sports and I totally dreaded this training. Well, to my utter astonishment, I found I enjoyed it. That motivated me to sign up for more sessions, and without really trying I found some of my weight came off. I realised that to get more out of the exercise, and be able to do more stuff, I needed to lose more fat. A lot more fat. But I finally had the "why". Five years later I am the fittest and healthiest I have ever been. And I am a healthy weight.

This may not be all that helpful to you, since you are still looking for the "why", but you are right to be looking for it. I think you need to be open to it and wait for the answer to appear. Try not to crowd it out by just sticking in the rut and deciding all is lost. Because then you have made your own self-fulfilling prophecy. But the new job may spark new thoughts, new interests, new anything. Who knows? Something new is really positive and although it is scary, it could somehow kick start something great for you. If it doesn't, start keeping your eyes open for other opportunities. Check the local town notice boards for new cheap or free activities you might join in. Even if they don't sound appealing, if it's something you've never tried before, just do it. You never know.

Good luck.

springlering62 · August 2020

@quiksylver296 beat me to the Dave Ramsey thing. Like MFP, the meat of it is free for the listening, and it’s available via podcast, too. My husband and I did it, and it was one of the best things we ever did. Relieving financial stress, even simply having a plan and a goal to do so, is life and marriage changing.

Speaking of husbands and being “in a rut”, can I flip that in its head?

I get it. We all have those moments of boredom or vanilla life, but having many friends who’ve been through devastatingly painful and hostile divorces, I’d rather be in a rut with my best friend than be out there struggling by myself. There is a warm benefit to being more mature and relishing the companionship side as much as the lover side. Your habit of sitting together nightly tells me a lot. Maybe suggest to him that you change it up and go for a walk or something else you can share. Just take a moment to look at him with new eyes. There are a ton of men and women who would give anything to be in our comfortable shoes.

Walking itself can be a mood brightener, and it’s free to enjoy. I know you’re out there with the critters, but you’re obligated to them while you are. How about a twenty minute walk that’s just for you, or for you and your husband? My husband loves politics and war movies. I want to slice my ears off at his choice of TV. Our after dinner walks have become the time we can chat and laugh. I treasure them.

Totally random. How about volunteering your time? I used to volunteer with a group that did horse therapy for autistic and other special needs kids. With your skills, a similar group would welcome you. (No equine skills at all required for “sidewalking”, which is what I did.) It’s fulfilling to be needed, and seeing the struggles others deal with makes you appreciate what you do have.

frontdoorangel · August 2020

I'm sorry you're struggling. I know for me personally, the why had to become something along the lines of because I deserve this. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be healthy and I deserve the feeling of accomplishment that comes with achieving a goal. To stay motivated, I set small goals. Very small goals in the beginning. Not just weight goals, but exercise goals. Sometimes I just set a goal to do something nice for myself until it became a habit. This small goal setting carried through to all aspects of my life and I now no longer have credit card debt. I also love making lists and I created a spreadsheet for my debt and did the same thing I was doing for health and fitness, I created goals. Pay this down an extra $5 a month etc. This took a long time but the satisfaction of seeing something moving in my life was incredibly rewarding.

You deserve to be happy and healthy. I hope you find something that works for you.

ChickenKillerPuppy · August 2020

I am also sorry you are struggling. I would echo what others said about not worrying about just diving head long into a diet and then giving up - if you just do the same things you have always done you will get the same results. I second the idea that you should just pick one habit at a time to work on, and you can check it off your list, but just try to work on one small habit at a time. It could be drinking 8 glasses of water a day, or adding a 30 minute walk 3-4 days a week, or one or two days a week snack on veggies instead of whatever is in your snack bowl - but just one or two days a week. SLOW changes that you can maintain, and one change at a time. You have your whole life to get there.

Quiksylver mentioned the podcast Half Size Me - I listen to that podcast also and find it TREMENDOUSLY helpful. I also listen to a podcast called "We Only Look Thin" which also really helps me, and they recommended "Atomic Habits" which someone else suggested above.

If there is any way to talk to a professional about your depression I hope you can. Thinking about you lots and hope you get through this.

gothchiq · August 2020

We have a lot of debt too, and all of it is from repairs to our house and cars. Debt is the most stressful thing I can think of.

I think the beer and carby snacks are causing a cycle of food cravings for you. Such things raise your sugar and then drop it rapidly, making you feel hungry again. If you switch to a single glass of red wine and some lightly salted nuts in reasonable portions, plus raw vegetables, it could be a good first step.

I used to be on psych meds for depression and anxiety and then became allergic and had to go off them. That has been rough. If you can afford a therapist that would be good. If you cannot (and I can't either) then I would recommend meditation and gentle yoga. It doesn't work instantly but it does help over time and is the reason I haven't yeeted myself into traffic.

I would also look for inexpensive hobbies that get you away from the TV. Sketching, knitting, reading, leisurely walks, jigsaw puzzles.... TV is a big factor in people mindlessly eating and I honestly think the lack of mental "exercise" from many hours of TV watching contributes to depression. I would work on healthy daily habits right now instead of focusing on weight loss. When you are in a better place then you can start focusing more on calories and macros. One thing at a time so you don't get overwhelmed and then quit.

ALZ14 · August 2020

I’m so sorry you are struggling right now. My weight has been up and down (mostly up) my whole adult life. I lose weight, get comfortable and slowly gain it back, I lose weight, got married, had kids and weight went up again. This spring I was furloughed, I was close to my highest weight, not happy with my appearance and I was starting to have joint pain. I decided to start taking daily walks and then a few weeks later I started counting calories and now live lost 22.5 pounds and lost 2 pants sizes. Physically and emotionally I’m doing much better even though I’m still on furlough.

If an “all in” approach for you has failed in the past or is overwhelming for you now, I suggest trying baby steps to whatever your goals are. Try one small change at a time and then add another and another and before you know it you will be making good progress!

Good luck!

cmriverside · August 2020

Such a good thread with so many hopeful suggestions. I hope you find some relief here 3greyhorses.

I really agree with everything everyone has said, but mostly I wanted to encourage you to try to eliminate alcohol from the mix.

Learning to sit with my own emotions was really the only way through depression - BUT my moods and general health were severely compromised by alcohol. Of course, I had way surpassed the, "one drink in front of the TV," range and I was well into many years of daily drinking of 2-12 per day. Alcohol is a horrible drug and affects every part of body/mind/soul.

There is a way out of all of this negative loop. I gave up network TV, too. No more politics, commercials, news or weird pharmaceutical ads

I know you didn't mention this, but I feel like it was an important step for me: I also gave up facebook and that was the only social media I used other than this site's forums - so that was a huge help. I don't need to be comparing myself with other peoples' made-up princess lives.

cmriverside · August 2020

I don't know if I read this above or not, but I researched nutrition pretty heavily when I started losing weight in 2007. I started little by little eating much more balanced nutrition. Simple meals, simple whole food ingredients, trying to watch my sugar and caffeine intake, eating more vegetables and whole fruits.

Losing weight required that I get a little exercise (or be hungry!) so I did that too.

I don't know which of all those things help the most, but they are all important. Losing weight became a completely life-transforming event. When I started taking better care of ME, it had an exponential factor. The more good I did the better I felt, so the more things I was willing to try.

_____________________

HeidiCooksSupper · August 2020

I have a relatively "instant" solution for you. Stop the beer and non-nutritive/high calorie snacks at night and replace with tea and carefully weighed out nuts or measured high fat yogurt with measured honey. Then start a little extra aerobic exercise like walking, preferably with music or happy meditation tapes. Don't start worrying about losing weight with this, just work on feeling better. Cutting out the beer and starchy snacks along with some walking should start raising your mood in a few days. After a couple weeks, go back to your old habits and see how much worse you feel. You'll be chomping at the bit to get back to better evening habits and walking.

After that sinks in, then you can join the rest of us in limiting calorie consumption to lose weight slowly and healthily without feeling deprived or panicky or depressed or whatever. Yes, it's a slower way to start but rather be happy and weigh a few pounds less in a couple months than yo-yo and feel miserable.

We're here for you. There are lots of us with similar battles.

NovusDies · August 2020

I am not sure if this will help but...

The plans I developed to lose weight when I felt super motivated WERE THE WORST. They were fairy tales based on the fantasy concept that I would be "motivated ever after" (instead of "happily ever after"). They required all the favorites like healthy eating, losing weight fast, giving up "junk" food, giving up booze, and exercising until I was sweaty and exhausted.

They never worked. Real life is not day after day of sunshine. Real life has rainy days.

It is better to make a plan that you can do for days you barely feel like doing anything at all. The minimum plan. The "get through the day in some amount of calorie deficit while not being too hungry" plan. If that is too much to ask then the back-up plan is to get through the day without being in a surplus.

Ideally you would spend most of your days doing more than the minimum. From my experience getting started is always easier when there is not a huge self-depriving and self-punishing to-do list to execute. Once I get started I almost always do more.

DanaDark · August 2020

Commitment and long term goals are difficult to do. Sounds like you might benefit from some sort of eating time plane equally as much as lower calorie food choices.

For me, simply cutting 500 calories a day every day is not right for me. It is difficult to stick to and it also makes me feel pretty bad when I give in. A single fun night out can undue a week's worth of work.

You may want to try some form of intermittent fasting. The 5:2 day spread is a pretty good one for me.

Overall, you'll need to come back at this thread with a little extra motivation and some more information about what you have tried exactly, what you're willing to do, etc. and EVERYONE here would be darn excited to help out.

Deviette · August 2020

First off take a big deep breath and pause for a second.

You're feeling overwhelmed because you have a loads of completely valid reasons to be feeling that way. When trying to deal with everything all at once we have a tenancy to not focus on anything and spread ourselves too thin. So first off, be kind to yourself, things are a little rubbish right now, but that's completely understandable, there's no need to beat yourself up about it. With debt, a new job, the general state of the world right now, and the fact that you are not able do the activities you normally enjoy because of injury, of course things are stressful right now.

So moving on I'd take a second and try and focus on one small change at a time. Personally I wouldn't worry about your weight right now. By putting pause on your weight loss efforts, it allows you to concentrate on something else and means that you don't keep beating yourself up for "failing" at it. Yes it's hard, and you know it hard, so give yourself an easier win to begin with and allow yourself not to worry about it right now. In a couple of months, you may find that that is the time to start on that, both physically and mentally. For now press pause, and concentrate on something else.

You mentioned struggling with debt, and with your new job this sounds like the perfect thing to start with. I do not know much about dealing with debt, but there has already been suggestions for that, so I'm not going to add anything more. But focusing on dealing with this debt and managing your new income I would say comes number one on your list of priories.

Once you've got a handle on that part of your life, then it might be the moment to move your main focus onto something new. When you do, take it slow. Instead of focusing on the big stuff, focus on something little. For example. if you don't want to sit in front of the TV every night, try spending one night a week doing something else. Anything, it doesn't matter what. And remember, there isn't anything wrong with spending an evening drinking a beer and watching TV if that's what you want to do. Don't let others make you feel bad for it if it's something you enjoy doing. We cannot be productive every moment of every day and if allowing yourself some downtime take the form of siting on the sofa with your husband watching TV, then let it. You may not want to do it every night, but there isn't anything wrong with it as a concept. So don't beat yourself up for it.

Remember that with everything it's not an instant fix. There isn't a quick solution that's going to magically fix everything overnight, but by dealing with one thing at a time you might find that in a couple of weeks things are better, and in a couple of months things are even better than you ever thought they could be right now.

I felt in a very similar situation to you a few of months ago. I've been having CBT for my anxiety and it's been really helpful. If it's possible, I would recommend speaking to someone, because even after the first session I felt better. I found asking for help the hardest part. But I focused on my metal health first and after a couple of months now I'm on MFP because I feel like I'm able to take control of my weight again. My sex life is much better than it's been for a hell of a long time, and those thoughts of " What exactly is it I want, anyway?" (because yes, I had those as well) seem less important, but also are starting to have a clearer answer.

3greyhorses · August 2020

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate you taking the time to respond and share your thoughts, ideas and experiences. Yesterday was tough. My doctor said I should not start the new job until 9/8 because of the nature of the work and the injury I'm recovering from. He suggested I hold off on my regular activities for now. I usually walk 3-4 miles, swim laps for 45 minutes and ride at least one horse every day. It's been 2 weeks as of today since my injury and obviously, the lack of my normal physical activities has really impacted my mental state.

Your words have helped. I'll try to be nicer to myself and keep in mind that this is a temporary situation. I'll start listening to Atomic Habits today (I already had it on Audible, just hadn't gotten around to listening to it) and prep healthy foods/snacks to have on hand. I'll probably also hop on one of my horses bareback and walk around (I think I can do that without affecting the injury). There is nothing more soothing to me than being with my boys!

Thank you again!

NovusDies · August 2020

3greyhorses wrote: »

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate you taking the time to respond and share your thoughts, ideas and experiences. Yesterday was tough. My doctor said I should not start the new job until 9/8 because of the nature of the work and the injury I'm recovering from. He suggested I hold off on my regular activities for now. I usually walk 3-4 miles, swim laps for 45 minutes and ride at least one horse every day. It's been 2 weeks as of today since my injury and obviously, the lack of my normal physical activities has really impacted my mental state.

Your words have helped. I'll try to be nicer to myself and keep in mind that this is a temporary situation. I'll start listening to Atomic Habits today (I already had it on Audible, just hadn't gotten around to listening to it) and prep healthy foods/snacks to have on hand. I'll probably also hop on one of my horses bareback and walk around (I think I can do that without affecting the injury). There is nothing more soothing to me than being with my boys!

Thank you again!

@3greyhorses

Atomic Habits is a good read but try to overlook some of the "junk food" comments and that accountability system he described later in the book. If you have a particular type of personality that can thrive in a very strict system it is fine but I think many, if not most, do better in a very forgiving system. I have made many mistakes and had more than my share of weak moments but because most of my days were fine the "off" moments just gave up a little progress or potential progress.

I'm struggling...with everything.

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