Serious/heavy/deep/real stuff

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  • CacoEther
    CacoEther Posts: 2,465 Member
    KosmosKitten wrote: »
    CacoEther wrote: »
    Probably the biggest reason my husband and I are such a great match is because we are so emotionally distant from each other. We are both extremely reserved and private people who spend precious little time examining our feelings about things. I run from commitment. I avoid having expectations of any kind placed upon me. I laugh off serious matters and dodge anything too engaging or real. I do feel very real things for other people; love, affection, interest, happiness for them, etc, but I run when others feel things for me. I hate feeling responsible for it.

    I feel like all of that means I should feel more lonely, but I don’t at all. I do, however, wonder if others can relate to what I’m describing. I also wonder if I’ll be a crabby old goat later on in life

    Uhm, are you me? I feel like you wrote this about me instead of yourself. :grimace:

    I really was beginning to think I was alone in feeling or being like this, so thank you.

    Did we just become minimally intrusive best friends?
  • CacoEther
    CacoEther Posts: 2,465 Member
    Miss_Chiev0us wrote: »
    I've always been a confident person in the past. I'm really struggling lately. I hate my new hair, it's better than being bald but I only feel confident when I wear a wig. I hate all the scars on my body, I hate my new breasts, the new ones are not mine. This was NOTHING like getting a boob job. I want my old body back. I've only stopped crying a few weeks ago while I take my showers because I didn't want to look at myself. My boyfriend tells me everyday that he thinks I'm beautiful but it's like I don't believe him. I feel like I'm selfish to feel like this because life has given me a second chance. I try my best to see positive in every situation but some days it's just really hard to do. I'm alive but I have no quality of life, im in pain almost every day. I'm tired.

    I can’t imagine all the changes simultaneously that you’ve had to go through. First and foremost I hope something can be done about the pain.. is the body confidence something that may come with time? Like as the scars fade?
  • AlexandraFindsHerself1971
    AlexandraFindsHerself1971 Posts: 3,106 Member
    Boyfriend and I are going to have to sleep separately for a while, while he deals with the PTSD. I have fibromyalgia, and last night was a painful night due to the weather, so I moved a lot. He has hyperarousal from the PTSD, so he jumped awake every time I twitched. (Sigh)

    I think it will not be forever, and it may not be every night, but it still makes me sad.
  • Miss_Chiev0us
    Miss_Chiev0us Posts: 1,592 Member
    edited October 2020
    .
  • brustmannzwei
    brustmannzwei Posts: 1,124 Member
    I will fess up to the accidental grouchy face. I did not realize I clicked it. It was an accident.

    If I had intentionally clicked it I would have happily told you why I grouchy faced you.

    My bad.
  • Miss_Chiev0us
    Miss_Chiev0us Posts: 1,592 Member
    brustmannzwei wrote: »
    I will fess up to the accidental grouchy face. I did not realize I clicked it. It was an accident.

    If I had intentionally clicked it I would have happily told you why I grouchy faced you.

    My bad.

    😂 it's ok 🤗 I was sure it was someone else.
  • AlexandraFindsHerself1971
    AlexandraFindsHerself1971 Posts: 3,106 Member
    FourWindsWalker wrote: »
    I have been in an off and on relationship with a narcissistic person for almost 11 years. He lived with me for a year. I couldnt take it any more and he moved back to Indianapolis. He worked in Maui for one year. We had broken up before then. I didnt call nor text for a year. He sent a Good Morning/Goodnight text every day. (Now I know he was making sure our etheric cord was attached.) He has a temper. Superiority complex. Rarely apologizes, if ever. Told me my intelligence is inferior to his.. I bared my soul to him... The darkest fears, my hopes, my dreams, and things of my past. When we argue, I now make a point to use "I statements": I FEEL. I THINK. I KNOW. I NEED. I WANT. vs pointing fingers... He turns it around and blames me or tries to guilt me. I get the silent treatment after he goes for my jugular. Thinking I did something wrong... We butted heads in April: He was telling me how to live my life when he doesnt have his own poop together. Called him out on that. He didnt text me for 3 days and I left him alone. We have not said 'I love you' since.

    He told me our relationship is "In Limbo". He cannot drive here to see me. (Hes not working. Stage 4 Colon cancer but doing well.) I cannot leave my mom alone to drive 9 hours one way to see him.

    I have tried dating other people. (What a joke.) My options arent that favorable in this area. Never have been. It conflicts with my free-spirited self. My open selfless heart.

    What it boils down to is I want/need therapy with someone who has experience with narcissistic abuse. I KNOW I deserve better... Tis my heart that tells me Id never find someone, whom for the most part, click with on every level. Or maybe Im brainwashed? Does that make sense? ( I am a brave chicken poop. I know what I should be doing. Scared to take the step which honors myself.)

    Just feel *kitten* up.

    Thanks for letting me share...

    I guarantee that if you google for it you will find therapists in your area who deal with people recovering from narcissistic abuse. There are too many of them around. You have virtual hugs if you want them, and I believe in you and your ability to be the person you are, not the person he made you into.

  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
    FourWindsWalker wrote: »
    I have been in an off and on relationship with a narcissistic person for almost 11 years. He lived with me for a year. I couldnt take it any more and he moved back to Indianapolis. He worked in Maui for one year. We had broken up before then. I didnt call nor text for a year. He sent a Good Morning/Goodnight text every day. (Now I know he was making sure our etheric cord was attached.) He has a temper. Superiority complex. Rarely apologizes, if ever. Told me my intelligence is inferior to his.. I bared my soul to him... The darkest fears, my hopes, my dreams, and things of my past. When we argue, I now make a point to use "I statements": I FEEL. I THINK. I KNOW. I NEED. I WANT. vs pointing fingers... He turns it around and blames me or tries to guilt me. I get the silent treatment after he goes for my jugular. Thinking I did something wrong... We butted heads in April: He was telling me how to live my life when he doesnt have his own poop together. Called him out on that. He didnt text me for 3 days and I left him alone. We have not said 'I love you' since.

    He told me our relationship is "In Limbo". He cannot drive here to see me. (Hes not working. Stage 4 Colon cancer but doing well.) I cannot leave my mom alone to drive 9 hours one way to see him.

    I have tried dating other people. (What a joke.) My options arent that favorable in this area. Never have been. It conflicts with my free-spirited self. My open selfless heart.

    What it boils down to is I want/need therapy with someone who has experience with narcissistic abuse. I KNOW I deserve better... Tis my heart that tells me Id never find someone, whom for the most part, click with on every level. Or maybe Im brainwashed? Does that make sense? ( I am a brave chicken poop. I know what I should be doing. Scared to take the step which honors myself.)

    Just feel *kitten* up.

    Thanks for letting me share...

    I'm not a therapist, but you have my sympathy as a fellow person who went through a close relationship with a pure Grade A narcissist. He was a lot like you describe (minus accusing me of having a sub-par intelligence as it annoyed him that I could keep up with and call him on all his *kitten* and him having cancer). I ended that relationship back in February after I realized why I cut him off the first time: I ghosted him without a trace and never looked back, although I do miss and think about him often. He and I were erm.. very spiritually and emotionally connected (he was never violent toward me, but had a temper and I had to witness more than one tantrum that involved shattering dishes and throwing things across the room).

    I just could not reconcile the extreme anxiety I felt in his presence, the constant need to "walk on eggshells" for fear that he would either gaslight me or otherwise turn any statement I made against me, instigating an unnecessary argument. I couldn't handle the intensity of his emotions, either, the smug superiority, the subtle (and not so subtle) racism and his obsession with women who were barely adults (20-21) when he was over 50. It did not help that when he wasn't puffing himself full of hot air, he was making constantly debasing comments about himself, expecting me to pick up the slack and lavish him with compliments. It became EXHAUSTING simply to be in his presence no matter how much I cared about him. So I left. He wrote me once (an actual letter in the mail). I read it and trashed it, never to respond.

    I don't think you're crazy and I think you're 100% allowed to feel the way you do as it's normal. And like you, I don't think I will ever meet another person I connect with on that level. Not in the small lifetime I have, anyway.
  • Miss_Chiev0us
    Miss_Chiev0us Posts: 1,592 Member
    CacoEther wrote: »
    FourWindsWalker wrote: »
    I have been in an off and on relationship with a narcissistic person for almost 11 years. He lived with me for a year. I couldnt take it any more and he moved back to Indianapolis. He worked in Maui for one year. We had broken up before then. I didnt call nor text for a year. He sent a Good Morning/Goodnight text every day. (Now I know he was making sure our etheric cord was attached.) He has a temper. Superiority complex. Rarely apologizes, if ever. Told me my intelligence is inferior to his.. I bared my soul to him... The darkest fears, my hopes, my dreams, and things of my past. When we argue, I now make a point to use "I statements": I FEEL. I THINK. I KNOW. I NEED. I WANT. vs pointing fingers... He turns it around and blames me or tries to guilt me. I get the silent treatment after he goes for my jugular. Thinking I did something wrong... We butted heads in April: He was telling me how to live my life when he doesnt have his own poop together. Called him out on that. He didnt text me for 3 days and I left him alone. We have not said 'I love you' since.

    He told me our relationship is "In Limbo". He cannot drive here to see me. (Hes not working. Stage 4 Colon cancer but doing well.) I cannot leave my mom alone to drive 9 hours one way to see him.

    I have tried dating other people. (What a joke.) My options arent that favorable in this area. Never have been. It conflicts with my free-spirited self. My open selfless heart.

    What it boils down to is I want/need therapy with someone who has experience with narcissistic abuse. I KNOW I deserve better... Tis my heart that tells me Id never find someone, whom for the most part, click with on every level. Or maybe Im brainwashed? Does that make sense? ( I am a brave chicken poop. I know what I should be doing. Scared to take the step which honors myself.)

    Just feel *kitten* up.

    Thanks for letting me share...

    I feel you. Lots.

    I hope you find the help you need to get freed from that headspace.

    You ARE worth it. You DO deserve better.

    Edit: i meant to add.. you may not ever meet someone who has the same spark, the same electric chemistry that you feel like you have with this person. It took me forever to realize that what I thought was chemistry was just.. drama? Heightened emotion because I never knew what to expect? Regardless of the pain he caused, it felt exciting with him. I had to be willing for the dopamine crash when I walked away from it all. And crash it did

    I can relate to this.💗
  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,724 Member
    Miss_Chiev0us wrote: »
    CacoEther wrote: »
    Miss_Chiev0us wrote: »
    I've always been a confident person in the past. I'm really struggling lately. I hate my new hair, it's better than being bald but I only feel confident when I wear a wig. I hate all the scars on my body, I hate my new breasts, the new ones are not mine. This was NOTHING like getting a boob job. I want my old body back. I've only stopped crying a few weeks ago while I take my showers because I didn't want to look at myself. My boyfriend tells me everyday that he thinks I'm beautiful but it's like I don't believe him. I feel like I'm selfish to feel like this because life has given me a second chance. I try my best to see positive in every situation but some days it's just really hard to do. I'm alive but I have no quality of life, im in pain almost every day. I'm tired.

    I can’t imagine all the changes simultaneously that you’ve had to go through. First and foremost I hope something can be done about the pain.. is the body confidence something that may come with time? Like as the scars fade?

    I've been referred to a neurologist, hopefully something can be done. Everyone tells me to give myself a break and let myself heal. I know its what I need to do ,I was so anxious for my life to get back to "normal" but it probably never will be. As for confidence, it will probably get better with time, it's only been 6 months since surgery so I need to give myself time. It's just hard to do when my life has practically been on hold for over 1 year now.

    I'm sorry. :( I wish I had something deep and incredible to say. I hope you realize that you are an inspiration to many and a wonderful presence here. This place is great but it'd be less if you weren't here to share.
  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,724 Member
    @FourWindsWalker I hope you can find the strength and courage to leave this relationship in the past. Not sure why but it can be the hardest thing to do, while also being the best thing to do(have watched it happen to myself and many others). With social media making it more difficult, the pain and stretch of that bond seems to go on and on and on. One of you has to be the stronger person, in order for your life to get better. We cannot control what others do or think, can only be responsible for ourselves.
    Wishing you the best!!
  • AlexandraFindsHerself1971
    AlexandraFindsHerself1971 Posts: 3,106 Member
    DiscipleOfChrist29 wrote: »
    Definitely an important thread to have. I have tried to encourage people by sharing my faith and how it has helped me through dark times and it almost seemed like that is not okay according to the guidelines. So I left as well. I felt all types of way after that. Sad, angry, bewilderment, offended, cynical, and at eventually at peace. I think I hit frustration somewhere in there too. MyFitnessPal and getting fit was helping with a lot of my physical issues but now my body is starting to fall a part. My knees, back, shoulders, and other random things keep betraying me lol. My left shoulder is especially upsetting me because I cannot do any upper body workouts that doesn't make it worse. It may take 6 months to be fully healed and this is the second six months I've had to try and heal it. I've clearly been doing too many lower body exercise since my knee is killing me. Or I could just be getting old. I still have so much to be thankful about even in though I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. I live in a tropical paradise with no restrictions. I got a roof over my head and food and clothes. Plenty of family and friends as well. If I get to rant on here when I'm frustrated even better. Now I can go back to look for some good recipes. Peace out!

    It's important to not oversell your faith. Always remember that you don't know who is receiving the message. You have heard of all the abuse going on in some churches, both Catholic and Protestant; the person who is reading your message may have been deeply wounded by people who used the same phrases, and what you mean for encouragement is instead triggering and wounding. I don't proselytize; my religion doesn't believe in it. But I agree, my religion has been a great comfort to me through the stress and troubles of life. It's just that here's not the place to talk about it.

    As the phrase goes, "Getting old sucks, but the alternative is worse." I am a cook, a seamstress, a crafter, and I spend a lot of time writing. So when I feel my hands start to ache in the joints, it's scary. It's hard to love your body when it hurts and lets you down. You have my sympathy in that, because I have fibromyalgia and it's hard to want to be active but have to go take a nap four afternoons of five.



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