Dad Jokes/Bad Jokes...

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  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
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    I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums

    I need HELP

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4KvafPbauw
  • alteredsteve175
    alteredsteve175 Posts: 2,716 Member
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    How do you catch a unique rabbit?

    It's easy. Unique up on it.


    How do you catch a tame rabbit?

    Tame way. Unique up on it.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
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    Every time a bell rings my dog comes out swinging.

    He's a boxer.

  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    edited October 2020
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    "If you say to adults 'I know about it all', they'll give you anything."
    So of course a young boy goes home and says to his dad: "I know about it all". The dad hands him 100 bucks and tells him "but don't tell mommy".
    The kid, stoked, goes to his mom and says: "I know about it all". The mom hands him 200 bucks and says "Please don't tell daddy".
    Then the bell rings, and the kid opens the door to find the mailman outside. The kid tells him "I know about it all".
    The mailman happily drops the package he's holding and yells "Well say hello to daddy!

  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
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    Someone in my family smarted off to the kids. Ooo, look kids, here comes your father. It was the Schwann man. He said that man is here more than I am. The kids all started crying and bawling their heads off, then he gave them each a popsicle.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,617 Member
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    Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

    Because they taste like sheet.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
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    Too bad you can't get abs from laughing at your own jokes.

    I'd have a 10 pack.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
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    If Elon Musk has bodyguards and doesn't name them Musketeers...

    He's missing a golden opportunity.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
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    What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?

    Put it on my bill.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
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    How often do you like jokes about elements?

    Periodically.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,617 Member
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    Iamonthemoonandthereusnoplacetogetabeer.

    Thereisnospacebar.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,617 Member
    edited October 2020
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    My daughter asked if all fairy tales start with, "Once upon a time...".

    I told her, "No... there's a whole series of fairy tales that start with, 'If elected, I promise...'".
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,617 Member
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    Last night I asked, "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"

    She responded, "I'm Alexa, you moron!"
  • foster1503
    foster1503 Posts: 391 Member
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    I asked my Barbour the other day "what cut would make me look handsome"
    A power cut was not the answer I was hoping for xx
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,617 Member
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    A group of butts is walking and the smallest is struggling to keep up.

    "Sorry, I'm a little behind."
  • r4swaney
    r4swaney Posts: 749 Member
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    What’s worse than ants in your pants?


    ..... uncles in your pants!
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    edited October 2020
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    You know it's time to lose weight when:

    Your family has to stop half way to the powwow to replace the springs on your car

    * The car naturally tilts downward on the side you always ride on

    * The youngest kid with the shortest legs has to sit behind your seat, because you have to have the seat pulled all the way back to fit your beefy legs into the car

    * You eat Indian Tacos like potato chips

    * You don't even feel your mosquito bites

    * You have to "rock" a few times to get up out of your chair

    * People mistake you for a teepee when you wear a white tshirt

    * You have to "lift" your stomach to show off your new beaded belt buckle

    * You order a coke and the waitress asks, "Diet?"

    * You almost pass out in the sweathouse using only one rock

    * You get scared your belly button might come untied

    * In a powwow crowd of 1,000 people, everyone stops you to ask your advice about the best food stands AND where's the best fry bread stand

    * Other dancers use you for shade in grand entry line

    * You lose a $1,000 dance contest because your excess didn't stop in time with the drum

    * Your buckskin dress looks like you're still sitting down even if you're up walking around

    * You have to have your parade horse backed up next the car so you can climb up on the hood of the car and get on

    * Your parade horse is a "Clydesdale"

    Happy Halloween, you're a lovely bunch of coconuts.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,617 Member
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    In college, I used to boat sit, and started dating the girl next door. But eventually we drifted apart.

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