Dad Jokes/Bad Jokes...

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Replies

  • slimgirljo15
    slimgirljo15 Posts: 269,440 Member
    In college, I used to boat sit, and started dating the girl next door. But eventually we drifted apart.

    You are wayyyy too good at these :D
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    I haven't spoken to my wife in years.

    I didn't want to interrupt her.

    - Rodney Dangerfield
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

    - Rodney D.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.

    He told me to wear a brown tie.

    - Rodney D.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    It's tough to stay married.

    My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

    - R.D.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out.

    I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

    - R.D.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.

    Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

    - Steven Wright
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.

    They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

    - Steven Wright
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    edited November 2020
    I went to San Francisco.

    I found someone's heart.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6DUwMnDxEs
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    edited November 2020
    I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".

    So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.



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    - S.W.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.

    The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

    - S.W.
  • hawkeye45_
    hawkeye45_ Posts: 812 Member
    I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a lady who would be really upset if she heard me say that.
  • drmwc
    drmwc Posts: 972 Member
    Albert Einstein had a brother called Frank.

    He was a monster.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,600 Member
    My aunt is a smoker and loves David Bowie. We call her Ciggy Stardust.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,493 Member
    hawkeye45_ wrote: »
    I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a lady who would be really upset if she heard me say that.

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  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,600 Member
    I've got this weird fetish for figuring things out. Matter of fact, I just came to that conclusion.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,600 Member
    What do you get when you cross an angry sheep with a mad cow?

    Two animals in a baaaaad moooood.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,600 Member
    My ex tried to humiliate me in front of her friends by saying I was bad in bed. You should've seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,600 Member
    I'm pissed at my neighbor. He keeps playing Lionel Richie at max volume. Normally I wouldn't mind but it's been All Night Long.